DH hates people and will no longer tolerate people he doesn't like including both our families

[wendall456]

My DH (possibly undiagnosed autistic) is not a people person and finds people annoying. He really hates my family and isn't overly keen on his either but I like my family - this is where the problem lies. He feels like he is going to explode when around anybody apart from the few people he likes (which is probably 5 different people ). He hates any type of socialising apart from with his 4 friends who he likes. Every christmas we end up arguing about it and he this year he has said if he knew now how annoying my family were he would have dumped me within a few months . We have been together 18 yrs. He knows that there is not much he can do about it as they are my family but he wishes I could see how annoying they are . Last year he really struggled over christmas with having to tolerate people and he made a really good effort all of this year to learn to tolerate people but he has decided he can't live a lie anymore and "pretend" so from now on he is going to only like who he likes and not pretend by tolerating people he doesn't like.

He says life is to short to fake it and he understands that I like my family and I like his family too but he is no longer able to pretend to like people. This means this coming year instead of making an effort he will completely step away as he needs to look after his own mental health and do what is best for him not other people.

My argument to this is that I would never treat people the way he does and although he doesn't actually treat them particularly badly because they aren't his type of people he doesn't want to be around them at all and he is so much happier when he doesn't have to be play happy families.

So this year he wants no contact with either side or made or forced to be social with anyone he doesn't like.

AIBU to think he is being selfish or should he do what is best for him and what keeps him sane?

Give and take; compromise; consideration for others; acceptance that the world does not always revolve around one person; community; acceptance that sometimes we can just suck it up and do something we don’t necessarily like for the sake of people we proclaim to love; not being a selfish arse?

There is healthy selfishness involving having boundaries, advocating for oneself and looking after our own well-being, and then there is toxic selfishness where there is no compromise and your needs and wants trample over and control everyone else’s. Lots of people nowadays have gone too far with their ‘I’m number one and nobody else matters’ philosophies and have tipped themselves over into toxic selfishness.

Thank you for sharing this very personal insight. I can't agree more re the male entitlement.

Give and take; compromise; consideration for others; acceptance that the world does not always revolve around one person; community; acceptance that sometimes we can just suck it up and do something we don’t necessarily like for the sake of people we proclaim to love; not being a selfish arse?

That goes both ways though. And to be honest if someone called me a selfish arse for not wanting to go into a situation which could trigger a panic attack I would not think compromise and consideration was high on their agenda.

Autism also does not justify the comment about "turning into your mother" nor does it justify gaslighting OP about the normalcy of seeing her own family. Why are half the posters on this thread apparently not seeing the coercive control elements?

Seriously. I find this concerning.

@Bitchassmosquito Yes, it absolutely does go both ways but this thread isn’t about you possibly becoming anxious in a specific situation is it? It’s about the OP and her husband. You are taking responses to the thread personally when most are geared to the OP’s situation or in general terms.

Generally, being in any kind of relationship. romantic, friend, family… requires give and take. The OP’s husband is being unreasonable in his behaviour towards her by saying hurtful things and trying to control what she does socially. He is not necessarily unreasonable to want to reduce his social circle and interactions, but the way he is doing it absolutely is. You cannot, and should not, be in a family unit with that kind of behaviour.

But its not simply him not wanting to do stuff.

It's him

• Insulting her and her family
• Complaining when she goes out

If you’re talking to me about a perception you have from my comment you’re way off the track!

@PostItInABook

Totally agree. It's utterly bonkers.

It's as if people are so militant in their desire to avoid "people" that they assume immediate, kneejerk solidarity with anyone else who shares the desire to push other people away, regardless of the criteria or the behaviours involved.

The desire to avoid people isn't even the main point of the thread really. It's a factor, but by far the biggest issue here is the spite and the coercive control from the husband. But so many people have convinced themselves that the only solution to the problem of their lives is to remove other people, that they automatically see everything with this lens.

The husband is a deeply misanthropic, controlling arse but to about half the people on this thread he's "standing up for himself".

Madness....

this thread isn’t about you possibly becoming anxious
I guess you’ve never had a panic attack huh? “becoming anxious”😂

To be fair it wasn’t about the pp who argued the OPs husband was probably being abusive like her ex either but she wasn’t told to shush.

You are taking responses to the thread personally
Well kind of because I can relate to the husband’s POV.
And YES I know he shouldn’t have been so damn rude.

A panic attack is an anxiety attack or hyperventilation syndrome so yes, becoming anxious is terminology I chose to use because you said ‘could trigger’. It wasn’t a personal attack. Nor has anyone told you to shush. You are projecting.

I can also relate to the husbands pov. I’m not a fan of social interaction at all. I spend much of my time alone because that’s what I prefer and need. I also recognise that because of that it wouldn’t be a good idea to inflict myself on a romantic/domestic relationship or live with anyone else. I do also recognise that sometimes I have to do things I don’t like or really want to do because I love the people that need me to do those things. So yes I will make myself do it and deal with the unpleasant consequences. Equally, they understand that I need alone / decompression time afterwards and give that to me. Give and take.

Sorry. I don’t quite understand what you mean. But I was talking in general terms.

Nor has anyone told you to shush.

What’s with all the “you’re pretending not to understand”, “your like a dog with a bone”, “this isn’t about you” “your taking it personally comments” then?

@PostItInABook

I can also relate to the husbands pov. I’m not a fan of social interaction at all. I spend much of my time alone because that’s what I prefer and need. I also recognise that because of that it wouldn’t be a good idea to inflict myself on a romantic/domestic relationship or live with anyone else. I do also recognise that sometimes I have to do things I don’t like or really want to do because I love the people that need me to do those things. So yes I will make myself do it and deal with the unpleasant consequences. Equally, they understand that I need alone / decompression time afterwards and give that to me.

This is the thing: a lot of people find prolonged social contact difficult. Some people find any social contact difficult. I am generally OK with it but sometimes feel the need to get away from it to recharge my batteries. I think it's totally reasonable for someone to expect their spouse to take this into account when they plan social stuff.

But it's the militant nature of some of these perspectives which I find so bizarre and over-dramatic. The idea that it's totally unreasonable to want your spouse to spend a couple of hours a year with your family: I'm sorry, I don't buy that a healthy marriage can incorporate a scenario where one partner adamantly refuses to ever have any contact with a spouse's parents.

If your dislike for your spouse's parents (barring abuse or a really serious family rift) is so severe that it triggers a panic attack you just shouldn't be married to them. It's not normal or healthy behaviour and not something which people can be expected to incorporate into their lives. If you really hate your spouse's parent that much, you separate or you get therapy for it. Or minimise contact, by all means. You don't have to see them every week. But don't expect you can simply insist on severing them from your spouse's life. That's nothing to do with being an introvert or being socially anxious or autistic, it's extreme control.

As is believing that you somehow have the right to insult your spouse's family. It's dictatorial and controlling in the extreme to believe that your primacy over your partner is such that you can badmouth their family to them. There's just no excuse for that.

@Thepeopleversuswork Thank you for the insight- it makes perfect sense and I'm sure you are right!

If your dislike for your spouse's parents (barring abuse or a really serious family rift) is so severe that it triggers a panic attack you just shouldn't be married to them. It's not normal or healthy behaviour and not something which people can be expected to incorporate into their lives. If you really hate your spouse's parent that much, you separate or you get therapy for it.

What are you on about now? I’m not married
Are you confusing me with the OP?

It’s anxiety around social events that triggers the panic attacks not dislike of anyone. Crowds and so forth.

and I would hope that any decent, compassionate person in your life would be understanding. There are 2 issues with the OP’s husband and only 1 is the social anxiety. He is making nasty comments and beginning to isolate her- this is abuse and far more concerning. If he was “only” suffering with anxiety and not coping, it would be easier to support him. It’s not easy to support someone who is highly unpleasant to you. So, there’s no point really in encouraging the OP to manage his social anxiety when his attitude is such a huge problem.

@Bitchassmosquito

What are you on about now? I’m not married
Are you confusing me with the OP

I’m not confusing you with the OP I am making a point based on your suggestion that the DH might be seeking to avoid a panic attack.

You said in response to another post that social anxiety could trigger a panic attack.

I’m saying that notionally if your anxiety being around someone’s family members is severe enough to trigger a panic attack the onus is on you to deal with it. Not your spouse to feel they have to spend their life dancing around their family to keep them away from you (which is effectively what the DH seems to want the OP to do).

If a person hates their spouse’s family so much that it triggers a panic attack it’s reasonable to ask whether they are the right marriage. I would argue they are not. Unless the parents have done something really egregious to the DH (and there’s no indication that’s the case) it’s on him to deal. Not for the OP to have to pussyfoot around this.

Or for them to separate if he can’t get past it. It’s just not on for to expect her to turn herself away from her family because he has a serious neurosis about them. It’s above and beyond.

BTW it was you who mentioned the panic attack, not the OP. No suggestion in her comments that the DH has a severe neurosis. He just doesn’t want to have anything to do with them for reasons best known to himself..

I’m not sure the panic attack is really relevant but you brought it up.

and I would hope that any decent, compassionate person in your life would be understanding. There are 2 issues with the OP’s husband and only 1 is the social anxiety. He is making nasty comments and beginning to isolate her- this is abuse and far more concerning. If he was “only” suffering with anxiety and not coping, it would be easier to support him. It’s not easy to support someone who is highly unpleasant to you. So, there’s no point really in encouraging the OP to manage his social anxiety when his attitude is such a huge problem

He doesn’t have anxiety. It’s me who has anxiety. He has autism.

I never said the OP should accommodate his behaviour or that she should stay with him.
I’m just not convinced he is trying to isolate her from her family.

You said in response to another post that social anxiety could trigger a panic attack.

No I said that I avoid social situations because they could trigger me to have panic attack.

The OP said her husband had autism not an anxiety disorder.

Apologies I misunderstood. I thought he had anxiety too. Either way, if someone couldn’t cope with socialising due to anxiety or autism or another reason, of course I’d be understanding. OP herself said he is beginning to isolate her by making negative comments about her family
and behaving differently when she goes out. That part is concerning.

The OP said he might possibly be autistic. He is not diagnosed.

OK but again this seems to all about you and your anxiety. You accused me of projecting but you are the one who is making assumptions about the DH’s response based on your own anxiety.

We don’t even know for sure he is autistic, that was a supposition from the OP.

The only thing we know for sure is that he’s been incredibly offensive to the OP about her family. You are assuming that this is rooted in anxiety or neurodiversity but it strikes me it’s just as likely to be control, entitlement and bullying.

And even if there is a neurodiversity underlying this, it’s not the OP’s job to cut herself off from her family.

OK but again this seems to all about you and your anxiety. You accused me of projecting but you are the one who is making assumptions about the DH’s response based on your own anxiety

What am I supposed to base my assumptions on if not my own experience? Again the pp who said she thought OPs husband was abusive because hers was doesn’t seem to be getting quite as much grief as me.