Mother priorities her dogs over everything.

[Angrymum198]

I feel really upset tonight and I don’t know if I am exaggerating. My mum has two rescue dogs that she absolutely dotes on. They rule her life. She can’t be out the house more than a couple of hours, she has to be at home at 3pm as that when they eat.
she doesn’t welcome anyone into her house as it upsets the dogs.
Tonight I went round her house with my three young children and husband and her dog was barking and growling at my one year old. I tried to calmly remove him from the living room and my mum went mad.
I then stormed out and left. I feel that she puts their welfare before any of her grandchildren. She has 6 other grandchildren that don’t feel welcome at her house because of these dogs.

I love dogs but not to the exclusion of my children (and future grandchildren).

In my opinion the dogs should be restricted to a certain area of their house while you visit but, in the interest of being fair to them too, that visit should be short to eventually build in time as relationships grow. It’s very shortsighted of your mother to not teach them to be left for a while, obviously they would prefer her to be there all the time but what if she had to go into hospital for an appt which then ran over time or she broke down somewhere? We do dogs a disservice when we make them too dependant on us.

Perhaps you could meet somewhere neutral close to where she lives so her journey time is shorter allowing you more time together?

I feel that she puts their welfare before any of her grandchildren.

Yes, she does. That's her choice. Sadly, that means the only choice you're left with is to not take the children there and to only have her to you, and so accept that she'll only come for short visits (and probably reluctantly). I completely understand why you're upset by that but you can't make her change her behaviour or feelings.

If you have dogs, you can’t leave them for any length of time. That’s fairly standard for dog ownership.

Regarding feeding them at 3pm, she’s made a rod for her back there. We’re more flexible with feeding times for our dog.

If the dogs are reactive towards people in the house, then she may be embarrassed by visitors coming around. They may need training to combat this.

Storming out is a bit of an over reaction.

maybe you need to sit and have a conversation about his the dogs need to be trained better regarding visitors to the house. In your post, this is the only thing I can see which needs resolving. The rest is normal- ish dog ownership.

Sadly OP she is making her choice, and she'll have to accept the consequences. It's really sad for you, and your DC, but you don't really have a lot of choice.

I can't imagine any sensible grandparent prioritising dogs over their grandchildren, but too many people are batshit bonkers about dogs, and they will never believe that they are in the wrong, so there is no point in trying to persuade them. Just limit the amount of time you spend with them, and don't run the risk of your DC being hurt by the dogs.

So, short meet ups only, perhaps an hour in a cafe or park, with an absolute stipulation that your mum is not to bring the dogs, and limit it to that. And if she protests, I would spell it out to her. "You make it very clear that the dogs are the most important thing in your world. You care more about the dogs than your human relatives. That is your choice but you need to accept the limitations of your choices and not whinge about it."

@Riverlee My reaction was because she shouted at me very aggressively because I tried to prevent her beloved dog hurting my one year old.

shes not embarrassed by them, she just doesn’t like upsetting them. They are scared of people because they have never been allowed to be around anyone. But thanks for your reply!

I am a dog owner my self of a much loved beagle and I understand dogs can’t be left for long on their own. But to miss out on everything if it’s longer than an hour is a little too much.

@FlyingPandas Thank you. This is really helpful advise 😃

She loves the dogs and they fulfil a need 100% of her time. These dogs are fulfilling a real emotional need.

No doubt she loves her children and grandchildren but they cannot be there 100% of the time. She needs something to sustain her when you are all living your best lives and not giving her a thought.

It's hard but try to meet some acceptable compromise. It doesn't have to be dog versus children. Just something that kinda takes account of everyone.

Omg some of these threads are mental. I'm a dog lover but to see my grandchildren or child the dogs can sit in the garden for a bit or stay in the kitchen. She can easily keep them occupied with some peanut butter or a bone.
Is she a lonely person in general? Does she have a partner?

I prefer my dog to other people's children. OH and I are laughing saying DS will have a wife who will be posting this about me in a few years time. Some people just prefer their dogs though.

I don’t disagree with you, but I’m not sure your mother wants to make any changes. While I didn’t do it often, I could leave my dog for 9/10 hours if I had to.

My sister’s grandchildren don’t like her dog, so when their car pulls up, she sticks the dog in the shed with a baby gate while the kids are visiting. When the dog sees them, he hides because he knows he’s on his way outside!!

That would really upset me too OP.

These dogs are her babies

You say your mother doesn’t welcome anyone into the house, so why did you turn up with toddler/DC/DH? Had she actually invited you? In which case she does have people round.

It sounds like you just can’t accept that your mother is an independent adult with her own priorities and decisions.

Can you really not compromise and see her outside her home, at a time that suits her?

Or are you used to bullying her?

Whilst I know that much as I love my dog I'd not always prioritise her needs over close family, you also sound a bit entitled in your post. TALK to your mum about how you feel and LISTEN to her side of things. Her dogs are her companions-respect her priorities & the dogs as much as you expect her to respect & accommodate your priorities (your child/children).

Why don’t you just pre arrange meeting outside of her house at a cafe or something? Just turning up at her house with 3 kids is going to be stressful for her, her dogs and you & your children. A compromise would be better.

Storming out seems a bit dramatic.

@Purplewarrior haaa I do not bully her, your comment is very odd!

I was invited actually as my husband had to do something for my Dad who also lives there. I only see her outside of her house on every other occasion but this was a half an hour visit that she refused to remove her growling dog into another room despite her grandchild being at risk of being hurt! Not sure how you couldn’t understand that.

I own rescues and dote on them but YANBU at all.

Those children that are killed and maimed by dogs are disproportionately in GPs homes. GPs just can’t see the problem.

My MIL was the same.
She took her 2 collies absolutely everywhere including on one memorable occasion on a shopping trip to effing IKEA.
It's just what you want when buying furniture to put 2 dogs in the boot of your car and leave them in a multi-storey car park with the car windows open a bit isn't it? In my bloody car. Such a sensible idea.
I gently suggested she leave them at home and she just looked at me in a patronising fashion and explained why this was impossible
One of them bit my DS when he was a toddler and of course this was his fault and my fault not hers or the dogs.
Now both dogs have died and fortunately she decided she is too old to get another one but sadly it's rather too late to repair the relationship with her grandkids.
I get that they were important companionship and daily routine for her at a difficult time in her life but if she had only trained them and/ or supervised them a bit or got daycare/ boarding for them then she would not have missed out on so much. Her choice.

Dogs are like children though. So she's prioritizing her children over yours, as any good mother would do. I would hate this too, but clearly that's where it stands, so don't take your DC there, it's not safe and it's upsetting for everyone. You can't change her, so just compromise.

I wouldn’t have taken my small DC somewhere where there were unfriendly dogs, so no, I don’t understand.

Your DH was asked to help with something, you didn’t have to rock up with the DC, knowing it would upset the dogs.

Being serious, if the dog was growling, was the child in the dog's face? I get cross when people get cross about a dog expressing its emotions - better to growl and bark and to let everyone know it is uncomfortable than to bite. I never ever left my DS with my dogs when he was that age (I know you didn't do that) as he was prone to poke and my very reliable, placid Labrador that I had when he was small was often very disconcerted by him and told him so.

Why on earth would you take small children to someone’s house when you know there are untrained dogs there?!

If your DM doesn’t want you there, don’t go!

My MIL went one further and brought her dogs to my house and to all her children's houses even the one whose spouse is terrified of dogs. Poor BIL had to compromise that they at least stayed in the kitchen.
She never asked me she just showed up with them. If I tried to refuse she would sulk and throw a tantrum and say that she will never see us again so DH would give in (not that he liked the dogs either)
Any attempt at me laying down boundaries like no dogs upstairs or on the furniture was instantly disobeyed. I hoovered endlessly for days after they left and had a set of sheets and duvet just for her

So thank heavens for small mercies if your mum keeps them at her own house and you can just refuse to go there and meet up in neutral places.

Dogs are nothing like children.

To some people though yes they are. Especially people who may be quite lonely, and who like to feel needed. My grandparents got a dog 5/6 years ago now and he is treated like their baby, they absolutely see him that way and he fulfils that need of theirs. Just because you don’t personally feel that way doesn’t mean nobody else does☺️