Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother priorities her dogs over everything.

186 replies

Angrymum198 · 27/12/2023 20:34

I feel really upset tonight and I don’t know if I am exaggerating. My mum has two rescue dogs that she absolutely dotes on. They rule her life. She can’t be out the house more than a couple of hours, she has to be at home at 3pm as that when they eat.
she doesn’t welcome anyone into her house as it upsets the dogs.
Tonight I went round her house with my three young children and husband and her dog was barking and growling at my one year old. I tried to calmly remove him from the living room and my mum went mad.
I then stormed out and left. I feel that she puts their welfare before any of her grandchildren. She has 6 other grandchildren that don’t feel welcome at her house because of these dogs.

OP posts:
Hoglet70 · 27/12/2023 21:48

usernother · 27/12/2023 21:46

Dogs are nothing like children.

Show quote history

Mine are! They are dependent upon me and I adore them. Probably better behaved than a lot of kids too!

ActDottie · 27/12/2023 21:49

You say she doesn’t welcome people into her house so why did you go round there knowing you’re not welcome?

Some people prefer dogs to humans and that’s fine. Your mum’s routine etc seems very rigid but it’s her choice. Yes it’s frustrating for you but it just sounds like she’s very very dedicated to her dogs. I don’t think you’re going to change her.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 27/12/2023 21:51

Was your mother expecting all your family to turn up ?

Mrsttcno1 · 27/12/2023 21:54

I have to say the fact that they are rescue dogs does change things for me slightly. When you rescue dogs you never get a full picture of what their lives were truly like previously, this means rescue dogs do frequently come with “issues” or “quirks” that you are just sort of stuck with for example separation anxiety, human reactivity, set meal times and anxiety/stress if late feeding. It can be really difficult to train those things out of dogs, especially rescues, because they can well have triggers you aren’t even aware of.

The same applies for the dogs not being able to cope with visitors- especially with rescue dogs it isn’t uncommon and again it is something you may not even know until you adopt them, at which point you have made a commitment to them and just have to sort of adapt to work with them.

Your mum has done a wonderful thing by rescuing 2 dogs, it may be that she wasn’t aware of the issues they come with when she chose them (very common with rescues), and now she is just trying to do the best she can

usernother · 27/12/2023 21:55

Mrsttcno1 · 27/12/2023 21:54

I have to say the fact that they are rescue dogs does change things for me slightly. When you rescue dogs you never get a full picture of what their lives were truly like previously, this means rescue dogs do frequently come with “issues” or “quirks” that you are just sort of stuck with for example separation anxiety, human reactivity, set meal times and anxiety/stress if late feeding. It can be really difficult to train those things out of dogs, especially rescues, because they can well have triggers you aren’t even aware of.

The same applies for the dogs not being able to cope with visitors- especially with rescue dogs it isn’t uncommon and again it is something you may not even know until you adopt them, at which point you have made a commitment to them and just have to sort of adapt to work with them.

Your mum has done a wonderful thing by rescuing 2 dogs, it may be that she wasn’t aware of the issues they come with when she chose them (very common with rescues), and now she is just trying to do the best she can

But her best isn't good. She could shut the dogs outside when she has family visiting but is choosing not to do that. Her choice, but I wouldn't visit her again.

Original poster
Angrymum198 · 27/12/2023 21:56

Yes my mum was expecting me. When I say we are not welcome I mean we are made not to feel welcome.
This dog has never growled at my children before but having just spoken to my sister it appears that he has growled at my nephew un be known to me!
my one year old was only running around near him he at no point touched him.
I can’t believe so many of you, feel that it’s justifiable to not want to remove your dog into another room just for a short period of time!

OP posts:
Elfon · 27/12/2023 21:56

Mrsttcno1 · 27/12/2023 21:48

To some people though yes they are. Especially people who may be quite lonely, and who like to feel needed. My grandparents got a dog 5/6 years ago now and he is treated like their baby, they absolutely see him that way and he fulfils that need of theirs. Just because you don’t personally feel that way doesn’t mean nobody else does☺️

Show quote history

They treat the dog like a baby but that doesn’t make the dog a baby. Nobody else needs to consider the dog as being equal to a human child. Dogs are never more important than people.

lto2019 · 27/12/2023 21:58

If your husband was doing a job, why did you and the three kids need to go round too? Were you invited? If the dog was barking and growling at your one year old - what was your mother doing? Are you suggesting she would be willing for the dog to attack your child? I don't think it was your place to 'calmly remove him' from the room - why not say mum would it be ok for you to move rover to be with dad so he doesn't bark at 1 yr old?
What was the one year old doing - was he/she touching or getting in the dog's space? in which case you should be making sure that didn't happen - why did it not bark at you/ or the other two kids?

NoTouch · 27/12/2023 21:58

thistimelastweek · 27/12/2023 21:13

She loves the dogs and they fulfil a need 100% of her time. These dogs are fulfilling a real emotional need.

No doubt she loves her children and grandchildren but they cannot be there 100% of the time. She needs something to sustain her when you are all living your best lives and not giving her a thought.

It's hard but try to meet some acceptable compromise. It doesn't have to be dog versus children. Just something that kinda takes account of everyone.

^ this

Her dogs make her feel safer day and night, they stop her from feeling alone, get her out the house for walks, perhaps keep her from getting depressed, are something to focus on when "you are all living your best lives and not giving her a thought". It might feel you visit often, for her it is long time to fill between those visits.

Her dogs are extremely important to her and you need to find ways to compromise around them, not make it into a competition.

Original poster
Angrymum198 · 27/12/2023 21:59

Also just to add, I have fully excepted that these dogs are her babies. That I understand. What I do not understand is her putting her grandchild safety over a minor inconvenience for her dog.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 27/12/2023 21:59

usernother · 27/12/2023 21:55

But her best isn't good. She could shut the dogs outside when she has family visiting but is choosing not to do that. Her choice, but I wouldn't visit her again.

Show quote history

The thing is it’s not always as easy as that with rescues especially, or with any dog with separation anxiety really.

Being locked away be that outside on their own or in a room can really make them stressed/anxious. We had a rescue a few years ago who was absolutely lovely but obviously we didn’t know much of his past, we couldn’t lock him outside for the duration or even shut him into a room on his own because he had horrific anxiety. He would cry, howl, bark constantly in that situation and would literally shake as if he was having a seizure with the stress, he would then be unable to settle, eat or drink for a huge amount of time afterwards. So we could never have just chosen to do that, maybe OP’s mum is in a similar situation and just simply doesn’t have that option.

Mrsttcno1 · 27/12/2023 22:00

Elfon · 27/12/2023 21:56

They treat the dog like a baby but that doesn’t make the dog a baby. Nobody else needs to consider the dog as being equal to a human child. Dogs are never more important than people.

Show quote history

That’s your opinion ☺️

Beachwalker66 · 27/12/2023 22:02

Angrymum198 · 27/12/2023 21:59

Also just to add, I have fully excepted that these dogs are her babies. That I understand. What I do not understand is her putting her grandchild safety over a minor inconvenience for her dog.

But OP, you are the one who chose to put your child in that position. You know you aren’t welcome and why.

You are making yourself sound like a boundary busting nightmare.

Just leave your mum to run her life as she sees fit, and stop pushing into the space reserved for her and her dogs.

Original poster
Angrymum198 · 27/12/2023 22:03

@Mrsttcno1 these dogs are Romanian rescues, they were rescued from a puppy they don’t have separation anxiety. It wouldn’t have caused distress to them.

OP posts:
Hoglet70 · 27/12/2023 22:05

Angrymum198 · 27/12/2023 22:03

@Mrsttcno1 these dogs are Romanian rescues, they were rescued from a puppy they don’t have separation anxiety. It wouldn’t have caused distress to them.

I know of Romanian rescues who have been massively traumatised by the journey over despite anything else. You have no idea what anyone did to them before they got here.

Mrsttcno1 · 27/12/2023 22:07

Angrymum198 · 27/12/2023 22:03

@Mrsttcno1 these dogs are Romanian rescues, they were rescued from a puppy they don’t have separation anxiety. It wouldn’t have caused distress to them.

Romanian Rescues are actually known to be quite nervous, the way they are transported and the way they are treated when tiny pups mean they miss out on the crucial socialisation window which can make them very anxious and fearful dogs. Also, you said in your first post that you mum can’t be out of the house for more than an hour, so they obviously do have some degree of separation anxiety.

If people being in the house causes distress to them, which you’ve said it does, then so does being removed and locked into a space for that time.

flowerchild2000 · 27/12/2023 22:08

usernother · 27/12/2023 21:46

Dogs are nothing like children.

Show quote history

In the eyes of a dog owner like this, they are.

Original poster
Angrymum198 · 27/12/2023 22:10

My mum cho

OP posts:
kitsuneghost · 27/12/2023 22:10

I would just go no contact.
Don't go round, don't meet up if dogs are present. She has made her choice.

Thistlewoman · 27/12/2023 22:11

My dog is more important to me than your child. Just deal with it. That said I would never put my dog NOR your child in a situation where either could be upset/distressed or hurt by the other. Thats what responsible parenting/dog ownership is all about-not expecting everyone else to accept YOUR priorities and accommodate your needs above others.

usernother · 27/12/2023 22:11

kitsuneghost · 27/12/2023 22:10

I would just go no contact.
Don't go round, don't meet up if dogs are present. She has made her choice.

I agree with this OP.

Cheesestring67 · 27/12/2023 22:12

They are just dogs. Not babies. Grandchildren should come 1st 100%

Cheesestring67 · 27/12/2023 22:12

This 100!!% agreed.

Hoglet70 · 27/12/2023 22:12

Cheesestring67 · 27/12/2023 22:12

They are just dogs. Not babies. Grandchildren should come 1st 100%

Why?? We don't all like kids.

kitsuneghost · 27/12/2023 22:13

I think @flowerchild2000 is being a tad sarcastic

Swipe left for the next trending thread