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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mother priorities her dogs over everything.

186 replies

Angrymum198 · 27/12/2023 20:34

I feel really upset tonight and I don’t know if I am exaggerating. My mum has two rescue dogs that she absolutely dotes on. They rule her life. She can’t be out the house more than a couple of hours, she has to be at home at 3pm as that when they eat.
she doesn’t welcome anyone into her house as it upsets the dogs.
Tonight I went round her house with my three young children and husband and her dog was barking and growling at my one year old. I tried to calmly remove him from the living room and my mum went mad.
I then stormed out and left. I feel that she puts their welfare before any of her grandchildren. She has 6 other grandchildren that don’t feel welcome at her house because of these dogs.

OP posts:
WhatsTheUseOfWorrying · 27/12/2023 22:13

Unfortunately there’s no end in sight for this dog madness.

Cheesestring67 · 27/12/2023 22:14

They are her own Grandchildren. Mind boggles. I'm not an animal lover and despise dogs, you get looked at like you've 2 heads when I say this.

tillyandmilly · 27/12/2023 22:16

You should never leave your dog 9/10 hours! That’s just cruel -

tillyandmilly · 27/12/2023 22:16

You sound lovely!

wizzywig · 27/12/2023 22:19

Just have fun without her with your other family members. If she feels like she is missing out, well that's her issue

sheeplikessleep · 27/12/2023 22:20

Some people are bonkers crazy over their dogs. We’ve missed out on going to our in-laws this Christmas as I asked to meet up out of my SILs home as I’m not comfortable with their adult German Shepherd mouthing us and my DSs and not being able to stop him. My SIL now refuses to speak to me, is angry that I don’t like their dog and has taken it so personally. It is utterly sad and crazy. Just because people love their pets (I get that), not every one of their friends and family have to.

Original poster
Angrymum198 · 27/12/2023 22:20

@Hoglet70 you might not like kids but they are her own grandchildren!!!

Also@Mrsttcno1 I’m fully aware that Romanian rescues can be nervous have anxiety, having owned one in the past. One is nervous and does tend to take him self away. But this one particular dog would be more than comfortable being separated from my mother.

They have cameras and when left he sleeps the entire time. He has no signs of anxiety. He just owns the home. He dislikes anyone sitting on his sofa.

I won’t be going round there again. But I feel it’s rather sad that it’s no longer an option because of them being priority over her own grandchildren.
My dad does not feel this way and it is different when he’s around.

OP posts:
Puppalicious · 27/12/2023 22:20

If your mum prioritises her dog over her grandchildren, that is her loss. Just go low contact.

Achoo2 · 27/12/2023 22:21

I've worked with rescues both in the UK and from Spain/Greece. Whilst it is very admirable that she is given these dogs a chance at a better life, they are often very different to dogs born/bred/rescued in the UK, and as a pp has said - you can never know their triggers. I find two things concerning-1) the dogs are clearly showing discomfort around children - evidenced twice by yourself and your sister and 2) them being referred to as 'babies'. Babying dogs is SO wrong and shows a clear lack of understanding and is often the cause of, extremely negative canine behaviour. Dogs need a leader and clear boundaries. Your mum needs to try and educate herself on this and imho both you and your sister should not visit unless your mother is aware you are coming, and is prepared to teach them to be separated whilst you are there. If she cannot or will not do this, I see this as an accident waiting to happen. Please protect your children.

Gymmum82 · 27/12/2023 22:22

Your mum just sounds a bit stupid. The dog was acting aggressively. You tried to remove it. What did your mum do? Why wouldn’t she try and remove the dog? It’s her baby. She adores it. Had it bitten your child it would have been put down. Killed because of her stupidity.
The most sensible thing was to remove the dog from the situation and instead your mum lost the plot over it. It’s like she’s looking for her pets to be euthanised

sheeplikessleep · 27/12/2023 22:22

Puppalicious · 27/12/2023 22:20

If your mum prioritises her dog over her grandchildren, that is her loss. Just go low contact.

This.

It’s hurtful though when it’s your own mum and your children.

Hoglet70 · 27/12/2023 22:23

@Angrymum198 There's no law that says you have to like your grandchildren!

Cornishclio · 27/12/2023 22:23

I think that is ridiculous she prioritises her dogs above all else. Alienating relatives means if she needs support as she ages she won't have it. Dogs fulfil companionship for her but they can't do her shopping when she is ill and not seeing her grandchildren as they grow up makes no sense to me but each to their own. I also don't think it is good for dogs not to get used to people other than their owners. My DDs border collie is wonderful around children and very flexible over when she is fed so able to be left for a fair few hours.

Going forward maybe just meet at yours or somewhere near hers if her dogs are not good around children. She might not change though so adjust your expectations of her. It must be difficult.

Original poster
Angrymum198 · 27/12/2023 22:23

So hurtful

OP posts:
mottytotty · 27/12/2023 22:24

OP, she is choosing this. Let her crack on and see how much help her dogs are when she’s old.

Just ignore her and concentrate on your dc.

How are your in laws, are they good grandparents to dc?

Hoglet70 · 27/12/2023 22:25

Gymmum82 · 27/12/2023 22:22

Your mum just sounds a bit stupid. The dog was acting aggressively. You tried to remove it. What did your mum do? Why wouldn’t she try and remove the dog? It’s her baby. She adores it. Had it bitten your child it would have been put down. Killed because of her stupidity.
The most sensible thing was to remove the dog from the situation and instead your mum lost the plot over it. It’s like she’s looking for her pets to be euthanised

We don't know the dog was anywhere near hurting the child. The OP sounds a bit anti dogs (obvs I am anti children and my opinion cannot be trusted lol).

Original poster
Angrymum198 · 27/12/2023 22:25

Achoo2 · 27/12/2023 22:21

I've worked with rescues both in the UK and from Spain/Greece. Whilst it is very admirable that she is given these dogs a chance at a better life, they are often very different to dogs born/bred/rescued in the UK, and as a pp has said - you can never know their triggers. I find two things concerning-1) the dogs are clearly showing discomfort around children - evidenced twice by yourself and your sister and 2) them being referred to as 'babies'. Babying dogs is SO wrong and shows a clear lack of understanding and is often the cause of, extremely negative canine behaviour. Dogs need a leader and clear boundaries. Your mum needs to try and educate herself on this and imho both you and your sister should not visit unless your mother is aware you are coming, and is prepared to teach them to be separated whilst you are there. If she cannot or will not do this, I see this as an accident waiting to happen. Please protect your children.

This is really helpful. Thankyou

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 27/12/2023 22:27

It is hurtful op but she has clearly made her choice and it's in the dogs favour.
I wouldn't darken her doorstep again if she wasn't concerned about the growling at a 1yr old.
Leave her to her dogs and if she kicks off about no contact then remind her of what she has chosen to prioritise.

Gymmum82 · 27/12/2023 22:28

Hoglet70 · 27/12/2023 22:25

We don't know the dog was anywhere near hurting the child. The OP sounds a bit anti dogs (obvs I am anti children and my opinion cannot be trusted lol).

Show quote history

We don’t. But I wouldn’t take a chance if my own dog was growling at someone. Why would you? If that dog bites it’s as sure as dead. I wouldn’t take the risk

Mrsttcno1 · 27/12/2023 22:29

Angrymum198 · 27/12/2023 22:20

@Hoglet70 you might not like kids but they are her own grandchildren!!!

Also@Mrsttcno1 I’m fully aware that Romanian rescues can be nervous have anxiety, having owned one in the past. One is nervous and does tend to take him self away. But this one particular dog would be more than comfortable being separated from my mother.

They have cameras and when left he sleeps the entire time. He has no signs of anxiety. He just owns the home. He dislikes anyone sitting on his sofa.

I won’t be going round there again. But I feel it’s rather sad that it’s no longer an option because of them being priority over her own grandchildren.
My dad does not feel this way and it is different when he’s around.

I don’t think you are fully aware though, because it sounds as though you are very rarely in the presence of these dogs due to the fact that in your own words you are “not welcome”, so you are certainly not around them enough to know of their needs, anxieties, behaviours etc. Your mum is, and rightly or wrongly it’s her house, her dogs, and her choices to make. You can disagree with them and be disappointed, but it is ultimately up to her.

Also, “dislikes anyone sitting on his sofa” is a classic sign of resource guarding and if I had to guess that’s exactly why the dog was growling/barking. Again- very common in rescues and other dogs in general. They see their home/bed/sofa/owner/rug etc as “theirs”, and they do not want any outsiders going anywhere near it. So everything your mum is doing does make sense, she has 2 rescues who don’t cope well with guests in the house. The solution she has chosen to that is to have no visitors, that is her right although you can love it or hate it, it doesn’t change it.

It is a shame for you, but I have to say I can sort of see why your mum got her back up about you moving the dog. You came to her home uninvited with your child and then when you saw an issue you chose to try and remove her dog- who’s home it is- rather than pick your child up and take them out of the situation. She has made her choices re the dogs and you won’t be able to change her mind so maybe it is time to think of an alternative. Meeting somewhere neutral for example

coldcallerbaiter · 27/12/2023 22:30

Cheesestring67 · 27/12/2023 22:14

They are her own Grandchildren. Mind boggles. I'm not an animal lover and despise dogs, you get looked at like you've 2 heads when I say this.

I know and they stink too.

Original poster
Angrymum198 · 27/12/2023 22:30

Hoglet70 · 27/12/2023 22:25

We don't know the dog was anywhere near hurting the child. The OP sounds a bit anti dogs (obvs I am anti children and my opinion cannot be trusted lol).

Show quote history

@Hoglet70 I can clearly see by your posts that you dislike children. Weird that your on a mumsnet forum 🤣
I love dogs, I am a massive animal lover I have two cats, two horses and a 13 year old beagle who I love very much. I have also had a Romanian rescue prior to having children who had to sadly be put to sleep due to ill health.
NOT THAT I SHOULD HAVE TO AGAIN JUSTIFY MYSELF AGAIN!

OP posts:
Hoglet70 · 27/12/2023 22:31

Gymmum82 · 27/12/2023 22:28

We don’t. But I wouldn’t take a chance if my own dog was growling at someone. Why would you? If that dog bites it’s as sure as dead. I wouldn’t take the risk

Show quote history

I would have taken the child well away from the dog. it's either or.

Sholkedabemus · 27/12/2023 22:31

I do sort of get this. Your mother has a life now that is pretty lonely and empty. Her life once revolved around her children but they have gone now, to lead their own lives. Your mum has created a new life with purpose, around her replacement family, her dogs. They are there for her 24/7, her actual family have busy lives and are no longer her focus.

Original poster
Angrymum198 · 27/12/2023 22:32

I did 😩

OP posts: