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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother priorities her dogs over everything.

186 replies

Angrymum198 · 27/12/2023 20:34

I feel really upset tonight and I don’t know if I am exaggerating. My mum has two rescue dogs that she absolutely dotes on. They rule her life. She can’t be out the house more than a couple of hours, she has to be at home at 3pm as that when they eat.
she doesn’t welcome anyone into her house as it upsets the dogs.
Tonight I went round her house with my three young children and husband and her dog was barking and growling at my one year old. I tried to calmly remove him from the living room and my mum went mad.
I then stormed out and left. I feel that she puts their welfare before any of her grandchildren. She has 6 other grandchildren that don’t feel welcome at her house because of these dogs.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 27/12/2023 23:54

Deathbyfluffy · 27/12/2023 23:49

To some people their cars are like their children - but it doesn’t make them any less crazy.
Pets are not children, they’re animals.

Show quote history

I don’t think anybody is disputing that pets are animals🤣

Malarandras · 28/12/2023 00:02

Sounds like your mother has made her bed m, now she need to lie in it. It’s an incredibly odd way to behave when she chose to have a family at one point, for a reason one can only imagine. I would no longer make any attempt to accommodate her or her choices. Life your life, if she chooses not to be a part of it because she priorities dogs then that’s completely up to her. She will have to face the consequences some day but by then it may be too late.

bloatedbobby · 28/12/2023 00:04

Basically OP you mum has a new family now with new & improved dc. If you are upset by this or feel it's wrong you are unreasonable

Notsuredontknow · 28/12/2023 00:04

I feel for you OP. Not the same but my mum is now very set in her ways and when we visit (she never visits us so we have to go there), she does things such as tell my 3 and 1 yo to quieten down because they are “frightening” her cat. Or she coos over her cat saying “I know, you don’t like all this disruption do you” Talk about being made to feel unwelcome! Drives me mad because we only come once every 6-8 weeks! Anyway I would feel just the same as you although I do agree with other PPs that your mum probably won’t change, so I guess it’s just about adjusting our expectations

XenoBitch · 28/12/2023 00:04

How is your relationship with your mother?

I think there are bigger issues here that you are not mentioning.

Bloom15 · 28/12/2023 00:06

bloatedbobby · 28/12/2023 00:04

Basically OP you mum has a new family now with new & improved dc. If you are upset by this or feel it's wrong you are unreasonable

😂😂😂

New 'chilldren' can look after her if she needs care then 🤷🏼‍♀️

bloatedbobby · 28/12/2023 00:07

@Bloom15 particularly since dog dc don't tend to have the same life span as human dc!

Sometimeswinning · 28/12/2023 00:08

Malarandras · 28/12/2023 00:02

Sounds like your mother has made her bed m, now she need to lie in it. It’s an incredibly odd way to behave when she chose to have a family at one point, for a reason one can only imagine. I would no longer make any attempt to accommodate her or her choices. Life your life, if she chooses not to be a part of it because she priorities dogs then that’s completely up to her. She will have to face the consequences some day but by then it may be too late.

What consequences?? I mean its quirky but you’re being a tad dramatic.

carerneedshelp · 28/12/2023 00:11

Ffs it's not babying dogs by putting their NEEDS first. Reactive dogs NEED a safe environment to start to recover and heal from their trauma. You can't train it out of them. It's like saying you can train PTSD out of a human. It doesn't work like that.
Most of us who have reactive dogs didn't intent to have difficult dogs. They are not the dogs we would have chosen if we had full knowledge of how bloody difficult it would be . But by there time we do know it's too late and we love them too much. I'd liken it as a bit like having a child with special needs. No they are not children but it's the nearest thing I can liken it to.

whatevss · 28/12/2023 00:17

Now keeping a reactive dog is "a bit like having a child with special needs".

Absolutely batshit.

bloatedbobby · 28/12/2023 00:19

I'd liken it as a bit like having a child with special needs.

What the fuck?! Fucking doolally not to mention highly offensive

Sometimeswinning · 28/12/2023 00:23

Bloom15 · 28/12/2023 00:06

😂😂😂

New 'chilldren' can look after her if she needs care then 🤷🏼‍♀️

Show quote history

Ah I missed this predictable comment! Honestly, most of us love our parents and since having our own children understand what they went through. Let them have a few years of their own without threatening to cut off the care! (This obviously excludes those who had terrible upbringings and narcissistic parents!)

Merrymouse · 28/12/2023 00:23

How long has she had the dogs?

Canisaysomething · 28/12/2023 00:25

carerneedshelp · 27/12/2023 23:54

It's not a minor inconvenience to the dogs though! You are intruding on their safe space. They are not comfortable with you or your children. They are scared of you! Dogs are sentient beings and should be able to feel safe at home. It's not minor it's a huge deal. It takes days for my rescue dog to come back down after having visitors. She is on edge for days. Right now she is growling and barking in her sleep as she processes having people in the house for half an hour earlier. It does cause huge distress

Show quote history

Why can’t you find a safe space for your dog in the house away from guests for all of your sakes? Dogs and guests mixing don’t need to happen. I’ve worked with very challenging rescue dogs and designating them a safe and comfortable space of their own away from guests or anyone calling to the house should be a priority.

ClareBlue · 28/12/2023 00:26

Thistlewoman · 27/12/2023 22:11

My dog is more important to me than your child. Just deal with it. That said I would never put my dog NOR your child in a situation where either could be upset/distressed or hurt by the other. Thats what responsible parenting/dog ownership is all about-not expecting everyone else to accept YOUR priorities and accommodate your needs above others.

But this is her actual child and grandchildren, not some canine substitute.
I was brought up running a dog boarding kennel and with numerous dogs in the house and nown own loads of animals I love, but some of the post on this thread are just plain bizarre.

Bloom15 · 28/12/2023 00:34

@Sometimeswinning no child 'owes' their parent care though. Children don't ask to be born so there isn't a trade off:

But why in earth would a child want to make time for parent who cares more about an animal than them or their children?

Maybe dogs can pay care fees?!

carerneedshelp · 28/12/2023 00:39

bloatedbobby · 28/12/2023 00:19

I'd liken it as a bit like having a child with special needs.

What the fuck?! Fucking doolally not to mention highly offensive

It's only offensive if you choose to take it that way!
Spoken as a parent of a special needs child and an owner of a reactive dog.

Fuck sake!

ClareBlue · 28/12/2023 00:40

Starblind19 · 27/12/2023 23:12

This post is a massive reflection on why every other day some poor person is mauled by a dog. Dogs are not babies dogs have to understand they are last in the pecking order as far as humans are concerned. Removing a dog who is in a situation who is resource guarding is absolutely the right thing to do. Otherwise you are reinforcing that behaviour by allowing it to continue.
Cannot believe on a mumsnet forum people are actually agreeing with the mum. Who would quite happily risk her one year old grandchild face so her dog could have a reset and change focus from the thing it was clearly resource guarding. You absolutely did the right thing and what's more I would tell your mum how disappointed you are in her behaviour and recommend a dog behaviourist. She might be lonely because her kids have flown the nest but she's going to be so much lonelier when her dog bites some poor kid and is then PTS. We have normalised this babying of dogs and sadly this does them no favours. What other animal puts another species before it's young?

Exactly.
My goats get on just fine with me and we have fun together and they respect me. But if I acted threatening to one of their kids they would have no issue what so ever in attacking me to defend their kid. And I know it and they know it and all the Kids are left alone and it's fine.
But for some reason we excuse aggressive dog behaviour to us and our children all the time. Really strange, in my opinion.

carerneedshelp · 28/12/2023 00:41

@Canisaysomething she would still know they were in the house. She's not stupid. Yes I could keep her separated (and I do) but she would be distressed throughout and for days and days later

bloatedbobby · 28/12/2023 00:43

It's only offensive if you choose to take it that way!

nope it’s offensive because it’s offensive. If you don’t understand that then that’s on you…

VelvetandLace · 28/12/2023 00:50

bloatedbobby · 28/12/2023 00:43

It's only offensive if you choose to take it that way!

nope it’s offensive because it’s offensive. If you don’t understand that then that’s on you…

I don’t find this offensive. Quite insightful actually.

Fluffyfluffkins · 28/12/2023 00:58

bloatedbobby · 28/12/2023 00:19

I'd liken it as a bit like having a child with special needs.

What the fuck?! Fucking doolally not to mention highly offensive

She was using an analogy as was clear from her post. Hardly "highly offensive" .

bloatedbobby · 28/12/2023 01:01

lol, I find it offensive for one. You can disagree of course, there’s lots of irrational & illogical posts on this thread! 😆

Tryingmybestadhd · 28/12/2023 01:01

Riverlee · 27/12/2023 20:54

If you have dogs, you can’t leave them for any length of time. That’s fairly standard for dog ownership.

Regarding feeding them at 3pm, she’s made a rod for her back there. We’re more flexible with feeding times for our dog.

If the dogs are reactive towards people in the house, then she may be embarrassed by visitors coming around. They may need training to combat this.

Storming out is a bit of an over reaction.

maybe you need to sit and have a conversation about his the dogs need to be trained better regarding visitors to the house. In your post, this is the only thing I can see which needs resolving. The rest is normal- ish dog ownership.

That’s an exaggeration! I’ve always had dogs and they can have the odd day by themselves. Example I left mine alone all day 8 am to 8 pm 2 days ago . A balanced dog won’t struggle with this at all .

carerneedshelp · 28/12/2023 01:02

bloatedbobby · 28/12/2023 00:43

It's only offensive if you choose to take it that way!

nope it’s offensive because it’s offensive. If you don’t understand that then that’s on you…

Why though?

My dog experiences many many challenges that make normal day to day life far more challenging for her than for most dogs. To the extreme end of the scale.

I used the example of having a child with addition needs as a demonstration of how vastly different her needs are to most dogs. In the same way a child with ASD needs are vastly different from their NT peers.

I have to control her environment to such a degree that the impact on my life is enormous.

The level of control of our environment, day to day activities and social life is not at all dissimilar to that that our ASD DC required at one stage.

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