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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas slave for the in-laws

247 replies

SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 01:15

I've just had the worst Christmas of my life, and I need some suggestions on how to make sure this never happens again.

DH, 2 DC and I usually go to his parents for Christmas. His brother lives 5 hrs drive away so he, his wife and 3 kids (teenagers) sometimes come to stay with their parents for Christmas, and sometimes stay home. However, it's always awkward as MIL seems terrified if actually asking them what their plans are, so she waits for them to tell her.

Parents in law are elderly, and we don't want them to have to drive to us (about an hour away), and don't want them to do all the work. So this year, DH and I offered to cook Christmas dinner for us at their house.

Last Friday, BIL announces they are coming to PIL for Christmas dinner for the DAY (10 hour round trip with 3 kids). We had already bought the food, so had to rush out to get more for the extra 5 people. Christmas day, they arrived for dinner... Sat down, ate dinner, and didn't lift a fucking finger to help. DH and i bought the food, carried it all in, cooked it, served it, and cleared up.

No one offered to help. No one handed me a drink. I waited hand and foot on them all day. SIL seemed to be making an extra special point of doing nothing. She sat there as if in a restaurant and allowed us to serve her and bring her food and drinks.

Never again.

So next year... How do we make sure it doesn't happen? We can't refuse them, it's not our house. DH likes to cook, and won't upset MIL by saying anything. But what if they decide to descend on us again?

OP posts:
Aydel · 27/12/2023 01:16

Their turn to cook next year.

Original poster
SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 01:18

But how do we say that, if they're literally just dropping in at dinner time after a 5hr drive? They won't have any intention of cooking.

OP posts:
Chichimcgee · 27/12/2023 01:19

Unfortunately that tends to be the way when you host Christmas for ‘guests’ you’ll have to be firm. ‘Sil you can wash up while I’m prepping desert’ and don’t bring them drinks in the first place

murasaki · 27/12/2023 01:20

Pick them up, have them stay over with you so no drive back on the same day, no BiL and family invited.

Tourmalines · 27/12/2023 01:20

murasaki · 27/12/2023 01:20

Pick them up, have them stay over with you so no drive back on the same day, no BiL and family invited.

This

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 27/12/2023 01:21

Cook for PIL at your place, drive over with minimal food ie just enough for them plus a very small amount for you and your husband, then eat again when you get back to yours?

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 27/12/2023 01:22

murasaki · 27/12/2023 01:20

Pick them up, have them stay over with you so no drive back on the same day, no BiL and family invited.

This is a good idea. As long as they don’t turn up at yours too 🤯.

ZekeZeke · 27/12/2023 01:23

After 5 hours travelling I wouldn't want to be doing anything but sit on my arse to be honest.
That's a mad journey for a dinner, plus another 5 home? Crazy!

murasaki · 27/12/2023 01:23

You could pick them up Xmas eve to make it easier, then drop back on boxing day. Or rather DH could.

Cantrushart · 27/12/2023 01:23

If I were driving for 10 hours in a single day, I don't think I'd be in a fit state to jump up and help with the cooking and washing up.

Sceptre86 · 27/12/2023 01:24

Particular reason you can't invite parents in laws to yours since you are cooking anyway? Bil can't come over to his parents home if they aren't there? Your dh should have been firm with his dB as should have you. I wouldn't have served anyone drinks, they could help themselves. As for clean up, ask them to load the dishwasher, bring the dishes through. You can't get treated as a maid unless you allow it so find your voice and communicate.

Original poster
SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 01:25

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 27/12/2023 01:22

This is a good idea. As long as they don’t turn up at yours too 🤯.

Show quote history

Yeah this is the answer. The problem is PIL are so terrified of upsetting BiL, and won't actually ask him what his plans are. They just silently hope he will grace them with his presence. So if he does suddenly announce he's coming, they'll pressure us to host him too.

OP posts:
YireosDodeAver · 27/12/2023 01:29

I'm confused because SIL & BIL have no power to force anyone to wait on them hand and foot. Why not let them sit there with no drink in their hands and if they says anything you just cheerily say "of course you can have a drink. Help yourself - and can you sort something for grandma and grandpa while you are up"

Likewise after food "come on sue and dave you aren't invalids. Shift yourselves and help clear please"
Or
"Right we did all the cooking it's up to you two to do the clearing" (settle on the sofa at thud point)

You need to formly resolve not to be thie skivvy and don't be afraid to say outloud that you aren't there as a servant and only MIL&PIL have the carte blanche to rest when there's work to be done.

murasaki · 27/12/2023 01:29

You could have the in laws stay with you, but arrange lunch out. By the time he graces you with his decision, there will be no restaurant places left, so he won't come.

Or you could say that, even if it weren't strictly true....

coxesorangepippin · 27/12/2023 01:33

I'm sorry but this one is on you.

If they are rude enough to sit there and do nothing, you have to be assertive enough to delegate tasks

'SIL, can you peel the spuds please'

'BIL, can you serve people drinks please'

'OK nieces and nephews, time to wash up, kitchen's there'

Just tell people what to do.

EvilElsa · 27/12/2023 01:34

Be blunt.
We paid and cooked last year, your turn this year. Only fair to take turns. Push the point earlier in the year so they don't just drop it on you last minute.

coxesorangepippin · 27/12/2023 01:35

So if he does suddenly announce he's coming, they'll pressure us to host him too.

^

It's on BIL next year. Your PIL's are too old, and you've done your turn this year.

If he doesn't host, you don't see either of them
.

Tinkerbyebye · 27/12/2023 01:39

You invite pil to yours. Can they stay? So collect Christmas Eve and return home Boxing Day.

you don’t invite bil. And if parents say anything sorry you don’t have room. If they then choose to stay at home for bil to go to them you continue with your plan to stay at home just your family and go to pil boxing day

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 27/12/2023 01:46

Don’t pour them drinks say help yourself to another drink it’s in the fridge etc and can you top up PIL and mine while you are there?

Delegate them the cleaning up taking plates away “While we get the next course done BIL /SIL can you take away the dishes “ if they say no well you respond actually it was a rhetorical question

And so what if they get annoyed maybe next year they won’t come at all and that would be easier for everyone

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 27/12/2023 01:52

Don't buy extra food.
If thet want feeding, they need to give notice and contribute.

Don't wait on them.

Summerisawashout · 27/12/2023 01:52

I'm torn on this one, while the inlaws should of course be polite, it sounds like you and your DH offered to cook and organise the food on your own. The inlaws are spending 10hrs in the car with three kids to join the family lunch, it seems like it's a reasonably fair distribution of work/going out of your way/making an effort. I'd rather cook a meal than spend 10hrs driving on my day off

OhcantthInkofaname · 27/12/2023 01:56

Just state to them: glad you are here, we are exhausted from cooking and serving. Your turn to clean up.

MrsClatterbuck · 27/12/2023 02:01

When they said they were coming at this point I would have told them sorry not enough food so you need to bring extra if you want any dinner and maybe have it already cooked.

stardust40 · 27/12/2023 02:03

Message them
Yourselves and say are they having PIL or you for Xmas day or Boxing Day and say you'll have them for the other at your house. Then hold firm..... you don't have the space!

Duckingella · 27/12/2023 02:03

Jeez is your BIL too cheap to even pay for a couple of travel lodge rooms for his family?;that's such a brutal journey;what a knob.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

The other option is to perhaps start saving for it now so you don't have the cost all in one go and book Xmas dinner at a pub or restaurant near your PIL's;if BIL wants in he'll have to check with the pub/restaurant if they space and pay for his own food.