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Original poster

Christmas slave for the in-laws

247 replies

SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 01:15

I've just had the worst Christmas of my life, and I need some suggestions on how to make sure this never happens again.

DH, 2 DC and I usually go to his parents for Christmas. His brother lives 5 hrs drive away so he, his wife and 3 kids (teenagers) sometimes come to stay with their parents for Christmas, and sometimes stay home. However, it's always awkward as MIL seems terrified if actually asking them what their plans are, so she waits for them to tell her.

Parents in law are elderly, and we don't want them to have to drive to us (about an hour away), and don't want them to do all the work. So this year, DH and I offered to cook Christmas dinner for us at their house.

Last Friday, BIL announces they are coming to PIL for Christmas dinner for the DAY (10 hour round trip with 3 kids). We had already bought the food, so had to rush out to get more for the extra 5 people. Christmas day, they arrived for dinner... Sat down, ate dinner, and didn't lift a fucking finger to help. DH and i bought the food, carried it all in, cooked it, served it, and cleared up.

No one offered to help. No one handed me a drink. I waited hand and foot on them all day. SIL seemed to be making an extra special point of doing nothing. She sat there as if in a restaurant and allowed us to serve her and bring her food and drinks.

Never again.

So next year... How do we make sure it doesn't happen? We can't refuse them, it's not our house. DH likes to cook, and won't upset MIL by saying anything. But what if they decide to descend on us again?

OP posts:
KombuchaKalling · 27/12/2023 13:58

No one is making them drive 10 hours in one day, they are choosing that. They need to accept natural consequences and shouldn’t expect being waited on. I would set my stall out well before next Christmas so the same thing doesn’t happen. They either host or it’s just PIL’s and you guys

AliceOlive · 27/12/2023 16:39

KombuchaKalling · 27/12/2023 13:58

No one is making them drive 10 hours in one day, they are choosing that. They need to accept natural consequences and shouldn’t expect being waited on. I would set my stall out well before next Christmas so the same thing doesn’t happen. They either host or it’s just PIL’s and you guys

No one made OP cook dinner or wait on anyone, either. They would have gotten up and gotten their own food if she and her husband had not obliged them.

OP is reading and skipping over the questions that relate to her or her DH using their own agency.

ProfYaffle · 27/12/2023 18:06

SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 11:44

I think this is it. PIL are desperate not to upset the apple cart, and are grateful for any time with their grandchildren. So they won't ask. They just silently hope

Show quote history

Which is why your dh needs to speak to his brother direct. We had communication problems with MIL being the point of contact for the family then dh and BIL came up with the radical solution of speaking to each other on the phone Hmm

Things are much easier now, we come up with solutions between us and present them to MIL.

GodDammitCecil · 27/12/2023 18:25

SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 11:55

Hi there

Show quote history

So what do you think of all the advice you’ve been given by many, many people…………………………?

Movinghouseatlast · 27/12/2023 20:01

10 hours driving in one day? That is absolutely nuts. I'd be fit for nothing.

Presumably they do it because they want to please the elderly parents as 10 hours driving is not worth a 'free' meal.

Mumaway · 27/12/2023 20:03

Tell them how delighted you are that they are coming and ask them what they are bringing for starter and pudding?

Vistada · 27/12/2023 20:25

If I invite people to my house for Xmas, the notion of giving them jobs to do is baffling to me.

If I was invited somewhere for Xmas and got asked to peel spuds itd be NC

Nothing like mumsnet for bringing out the martyrs

Lighrbulbmo · 27/12/2023 20:39

In this situation I’d have asked them to bring food with them. A starter for all, or dessert, you need to be assertive.

Thriving30 · 27/12/2023 21:06

I'm quite bold so I'd just say 'could I have some help with the washing up please?' - but I do feel comfortable around my partner's family enough to ask. Surely if you've done the cooking they won't mind helping?

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 27/12/2023 21:46

Why haven't you answered a basic question OP. Why can't your DH talk to his brother about Christmas plans?

Have I missed something?

KombuchaKalling · 28/12/2023 00:06

Vistada · 27/12/2023 20:25

If I invite people to my house for Xmas, the notion of giving them jobs to do is baffling to me.

If I was invited somewhere for Xmas and got asked to peel spuds itd be NC

Nothing like mumsnet for bringing out the martyrs

Yeah brings the doormats out in force as well 🤣

KombuchaKalling · 28/12/2023 00:09

AliceOlive · 27/12/2023 16:39

No one made OP cook dinner or wait on anyone, either. They would have gotten up and gotten their own food if she and her husband had not obliged them.

OP is reading and skipping over the questions that relate to her or her DH using their own agency.

Show quote history

Fair point. I literally made clear l was making Christmas dinner for 8 people and then chilling out. I’m the woman who texted people advising they were washing up afterwards. Last time l did Christmas dinner they were lazy fucks so l thought l should make my expectations clear 🤷‍♀️

AliceOlive · 28/12/2023 00:44

KombuchaKalling · 28/12/2023 00:09

Fair point. I literally made clear l was making Christmas dinner for 8 people and then chilling out. I’m the woman who texted people advising they were washing up afterwards. Last time l did Christmas dinner they were lazy fucks so l thought l should make my expectations clear 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

That’s awesome! So good to set clear expectations.

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 28/12/2023 08:04

Vistada · 27/12/2023 20:25

If I invite people to my house for Xmas, the notion of giving them jobs to do is baffling to me.

If I was invited somewhere for Xmas and got asked to peel spuds itd be NC

Nothing like mumsnet for bringing out the martyrs

They weren't invited. They announced 3 days before Christmas day, that they'd be going.

Greenpolkadot · 28/12/2023 08:10

AgentJohnson · 27/12/2023 04:35

I'm confused because SIL & BIL have no power to force anyone to wait on them hand and foot.

This. They are who they are, you can’t control that. If there is to be a next time, you have to decide not to be a Christmas dinner martyr.

Exactly this.
Nobody made you wait on them
Pour drinks for yourselves and don't both with them.
Five hour car journeys are a bugger but if youv been sat still for that amount of time surely you'd want to walk around a bit and stretch yourself instead of having your arse glued to the chair

GodDammitCecil · 28/12/2023 12:16

Vistada · 27/12/2023 20:25

If I invite people to my house for Xmas, the notion of giving them jobs to do is baffling to me.

If I was invited somewhere for Xmas and got asked to peel spuds itd be NC

Nothing like mumsnet for bringing out the martyrs

If I was invited somewhere for Xmas and got asked to peel spuds itd be NC

😂

This is peak MN.

pineapplesundae · 28/12/2023 17:59

I think you have to continue to be the gracious host except maybe ask for money towards the meal. Ten hours in a car is hard on a body.

Rockinroli · 28/12/2023 18:12

I think there are two sides to this. Yes you provided, cooked, cleaned up etc, but they may see it as they had a pretty crappy Christmas too- in the name of family obligation. They probably spent a bomb on fuel and had a rubbish 10 hour driving day. I’m not surprised they were too knackered to help.

SmudgeButt · 28/12/2023 18:19

Mid October send BiL (actually get your DP to do this) an email asking "what are you doing about Christmas?" and give him to the end of Oct to respond. When he doesn't respond send him a request for the £200 to buy their portion of dinner and give him until mid Nov. When he doesn't respond tell him (cc his wife & their kids if possible) that since they're not coming to PiL for Christmas you wish them a jolly holiday season and look forward to seeing them next summer (or whatever). When they suddenly announce on 21st Dec they will be there tell them to bring their own food as there hasn't been enough ordered.

Alternative - Mid Oct send BiL an email saying you've booked for Christmas dinner at this lovely posh place near PiL, can he confirm numbers? When he doesn't respond by Nov ask him for his share of the deposit and remind him that he's paying for his family, not you or PILs. When he doesn't respond by 1st Dec wish him a jolly holiday season and sorry you won't see him and family and btw you've cancelled the reservation you made for them. When they suddenly announce on 21st Dec they will be there give him the number of the restaurant so he can find out if there's any tables still available.

Jeannie88 · 28/12/2023 18:33

Maybe set up and take charge of a whattsapp chat early on so you need to know who is coming for definite before and that's final? Will take the stress off your PIL, although it's sad they feel scared of asking this beforehand. Then go on to say ok they can bring... and do...Also, do your PIL slave for them when they go there? A 10 hour round trip is a lot, I would book somewhere to stay over rather than that! Tiring yes but no excuse not to even offer to help. X

CarolDunne · 28/12/2023 18:40

I don't understand this. Why weren't you saying joe, set the table there.

Mary mash those potatoes,

Mary you clear the plates, Joe load the dishwasher

Tell thr kids to keep drinks topped up

GodDammitCecil · 28/12/2023 19:04

So, again @SweetBonanza - any thoughts about all the advice you’ve been given, especially around simply speaking up?

FatFemale · 28/12/2023 19:10

Book a holiday so your not around next Christmas 🤷🏻‍♀️

OldPerson · 28/12/2023 19:21

Hmmn. You have to have some sympathy with BIL for driving 10 hours just to have lunch with his parents. They must have got up stupidly early and are getting home stupidly late. Whereas the rest of you are all in an hour's reach of each other. You need to plan more carefully next time, and find jobs for the BIL visitors and their teenage kids. But after a 5hr drive, it sort of has to be lunchtime already? Get their teenagers and your kids to clear the plates and either do the washing up or stack the dishwasher. Get SIL to bring over a dessert or the cheese plate or a starter? Your moan is about BIL/SIL not contributing in a way that appreciates your efforts and seems to take you for granted. But quite frankly - 10 hours driving in a day is an ordeal. A physical ordeal, that deserves some recognition at a contribution for a family get-together.

Redragtoabull · 28/12/2023 19:48

Grange Hill moment here

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