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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas slave for the in-laws

247 replies

SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 01:15

I've just had the worst Christmas of my life, and I need some suggestions on how to make sure this never happens again.

DH, 2 DC and I usually go to his parents for Christmas. His brother lives 5 hrs drive away so he, his wife and 3 kids (teenagers) sometimes come to stay with their parents for Christmas, and sometimes stay home. However, it's always awkward as MIL seems terrified if actually asking them what their plans are, so she waits for them to tell her.

Parents in law are elderly, and we don't want them to have to drive to us (about an hour away), and don't want them to do all the work. So this year, DH and I offered to cook Christmas dinner for us at their house.

Last Friday, BIL announces they are coming to PIL for Christmas dinner for the DAY (10 hour round trip with 3 kids). We had already bought the food, so had to rush out to get more for the extra 5 people. Christmas day, they arrived for dinner... Sat down, ate dinner, and didn't lift a fucking finger to help. DH and i bought the food, carried it all in, cooked it, served it, and cleared up.

No one offered to help. No one handed me a drink. I waited hand and foot on them all day. SIL seemed to be making an extra special point of doing nothing. She sat there as if in a restaurant and allowed us to serve her and bring her food and drinks.

Never again.

So next year... How do we make sure it doesn't happen? We can't refuse them, it's not our house. DH likes to cook, and won't upset MIL by saying anything. But what if they decide to descend on us again?

OP posts:

fetchacloth · 28/12/2023 19:50

ZekeZeke · 27/12/2023 01:23

After 5 hours travelling I wouldn't want to be doing anything but sit on my arse to be honest.
That's a mad journey for a dinner, plus another 5 home? Crazy!

Well yes that's what I thought but then I wouldn't be driving 5 hours just for dinner then driving 5 hours back again.
Frankly I'd stay home.

Missingpop · 28/12/2023 21:07

Pil live a hour away so invite them to yours ‘ pick them up & take them home at least that way your in control surely that’s a better option over having some entitled pair of pricks being waited on hand foot & finger nail. Which by the way I would not have put up with I’d have made a point of saying we’ve cooked & served you can clear & wash to them if they didn’t do it; they’d have been told in no uncertain terms to fuck off home before tea because a free lunch is all they’re getting x

NeedSomeHeadspace · 28/12/2023 21:17

I had this with my SIL, her DH and 2 teenage kids for a whole month, 7 years ago. They live abroad and thought it okay to stay for 4 weeks, not contribute with food or drink and sit around watching me slave away. I’ve loathed them ever since because they do not know good manners, are generally disrespectful and actually behaved like our house was my husband’s house, not mine also. The shit did hit the fan when I challenged the situation - I asked the kids to help carry dishes to the sink and their pig ignorant father, aka DH’s BIL, said “I don’t believe in the kids doing chores”. Nor them, the adults. WTF? My DH stayed too neutral, didn’t have my back and this was a turning point in my marriage. I’m now divorcing him because he’s had an affair and I’ve disliked him and his family more as the years have gone by. I could write a book on them! My advice is to not stand for any nonsense and politely stick to your guns saying what suits you and your family, and what any unintended guests should contribute accordingly.

H007 · 28/12/2023 22:48

Why don’t you or DH ask BIL what their plans are? That way you can both communicate, if necessary allocate jobs etc. and the situation won’t happen again.

Jack80 · 28/12/2023 23:26

Invite pil to yours say no room for others, maybe meet them before or after Christmas

Winnipeg23 · 28/12/2023 23:42

They will see it as a gigantuan effort to get there to please PIL. Don't tell me they actually want to do that drive! So no they don't want to cook and wash up. They will feel they have done their bit. So I wouldn't be rude to them.
I think it they come next year maybe they need to stay over or just make Christmas dinner much easier.
Maybe just do a bit less.

Dibbydoos · 28/12/2023 23:52

Split the chores or, indeed, tell them they're clearing up and everyone gets their own drinks.

I'd tell them well ahead of next year - in fact, this week -
"Lovely to see you on Christmas day but it was a lot of work for us. We don't mind cooking, but next year you need to bring the dessert or buy it, provide x bottles of wine/pop/fizz and clear and clean up after dinner. Also everyone gets their own drinks so we can all relax and have fun.

Let us know 2 weeks ahead if you're coming next year so we can confirm who's bringing what. Cheers..."

Fabulousdahlink · 29/12/2023 04:42

Had the same issue for last 10 yrs with sister.
Last 2 years have booked in September to go out for xmas dinner at a local hotel. Always invite sis who never can commit 'so early...dont know what we are doing 'etc etc.

Last 2 years by the time she decides she will grace us with her presence the three days before xmas....hotel is fully booked....

Ilovecleaning · 29/12/2023 07:58

Were BIL and family pleasant/nice/polite? Or were they entitled and seeming to take you for granted? They were making a 10 hour round trip after all. But you clearly felt like you were being taken for a mug. I’m not sure whose side I’m on here.

Ilovecleaning · 29/12/2023 08:04

Ilovecleaning · 29/12/2023 07:58

Have just read all your posts, OP - I should have done it before! Why didn’t they stay at your PIL house f there’s enough room? Sounds like SIL didn’t want to come.
People are hard work, aren’t they? Sometimes I just want to go and live in a cave for for a few weeks! 🤣

raspberrybeeret · 29/12/2023 09:05

Hosting people / doing everything for 1 day is pretty standard. I think offers to help clear up and cook are if guests are with you for a few days IMO.
Can't fathom the 10 hour drive though!

Juleslovesmaths · 29/12/2023 09:37

I spent many Christmases doing this and it was soul destroying and very hard work - eventually I just said no more - stay at home cook your dinner - invite parents and let them stay over if necessary - let the lazy lot sort themselves out

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 29/12/2023 11:51

H007 · 28/12/2023 22:48

Why don’t you or DH ask BIL what their plans are? That way you can both communicate, if necessary allocate jobs etc. and the situation won’t happen again.

OP has been asked this question a few times but appears reluctant to answer ...

AliceOlive · 29/12/2023 12:47

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 29/12/2023 11:51

OP has been asked this question a few times but appears reluctant to answer ...

Show quote history

I’m impressed by her fortitude. I suspect it’s not just the BIL that her in-laws have trouble asking about things.

ellyeth · 29/12/2023 16:06

My understanding is that your in-laws usually do the Christmas dinner. Are your brother and sister in law usually there too and do they help your in-laws on these occasions?

Maybe they thought you would be OK with doing the hosting, particularly as you are only an hour's drive away and they had a long drive there and back.

Of course, it was very rude of them not to have given notice that they would be coming.

Next year maybe it would be better if one of you picks up the in-laws and brings them to yours.

GUARDIAN1 · 29/12/2023 20:33

It's your husband's brother (and his wife and kids). Husband should speak to his brother and tell him their behaviour was unacceptable. I know it will feel awkward for him, but it needs addressing now. Make it clear that if they come again, they need to pull their weight.

ChristmasEvemaddness · 29/12/2023 20:44

Op we had guests who arrived after a 4 hour drive and we didn't expect them to cook or clear up.

If you went for the day on a 10 hour drive surely you wouldn't be buried in the kitchen doing work either? They made a huge slog to get there and surely it was lovely all around to see their dc and mil and fill must have been delighted.

The problem is the perceptions of the hosts?
Who is hosting and why.
So for instance perhaps your dh should have carried the lions share of work for his family and he could have said bro give me hand taking these plates away. Can you pour x a drink...

Maybe they feel intrusive in the home because they are not there much?. I'm sure I've missed loads here as I've only skim read.

I future you obviously need more time for bil to announce coming and you need more help from whoever. But I can see why they may not feel comfortable serving you guys drinks and helping with food.

LovelyIssues · 29/12/2023 21:58

A 10 hour round trip?! They sound batsh*t!! Offer IL to yours next year... don't mention it to your BIL/SIL. Cfs!

DaNcInGtEqUiLaCaT · 07/01/2024 13:46

If you are going to be the one cooking and shopping, why don't you ring your brother in law and give that as the reason? When they arrive, just say hey can you give me a.hand to bring it all in, thanks.
Do t refill their glasses, they have legs!
Just say help yourself. I'd put up with them for mil sake for one day. ( Or have a quiet world with bil wife and bil... Or get their teens to help)

Andylion · 07/01/2024 14:02

RowanMayfair · 27/12/2023 11:57

Why doesn't your DH ask his brother what their plans are? And why didn't he have a word with his brother about helping?

This is exactly what I was wondering.

Dubuem · 08/09/2024 15:38

Bet they were fitting that 10hr 'day trip' around another visit, besides just PiL.

GrannyRose15 · 25/10/2024 17:04

SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 01:25

Yeah this is the answer. The problem is PIL are so terrified of upsetting BiL, and won't actually ask him what his plans are. They just silently hope he will grace them with his presence. So if he does suddenly announce he's coming, they'll pressure us to host him too.

Show quote history

PIL might not want to ask him his plans but there’s no reason you can’t. Come end of November ring him up and ask him straight. And make sure you have a definite plan from him before you put the phone down. If he says he wants to travel make sure he also knows he is expected to help out too.

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