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AIBU?

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Original poster

Christmas slave for the in-laws

247 replies

SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 01:15

I've just had the worst Christmas of my life, and I need some suggestions on how to make sure this never happens again.

DH, 2 DC and I usually go to his parents for Christmas. His brother lives 5 hrs drive away so he, his wife and 3 kids (teenagers) sometimes come to stay with their parents for Christmas, and sometimes stay home. However, it's always awkward as MIL seems terrified if actually asking them what their plans are, so she waits for them to tell her.

Parents in law are elderly, and we don't want them to have to drive to us (about an hour away), and don't want them to do all the work. So this year, DH and I offered to cook Christmas dinner for us at their house.

Last Friday, BIL announces they are coming to PIL for Christmas dinner for the DAY (10 hour round trip with 3 kids). We had already bought the food, so had to rush out to get more for the extra 5 people. Christmas day, they arrived for dinner... Sat down, ate dinner, and didn't lift a fucking finger to help. DH and i bought the food, carried it all in, cooked it, served it, and cleared up.

No one offered to help. No one handed me a drink. I waited hand and foot on them all day. SIL seemed to be making an extra special point of doing nothing. She sat there as if in a restaurant and allowed us to serve her and bring her food and drinks.

Never again.

So next year... How do we make sure it doesn't happen? We can't refuse them, it's not our house. DH likes to cook, and won't upset MIL by saying anything. But what if they decide to descend on us again?

OP posts:
Original poster
SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 02:06

Duckingella · 27/12/2023 02:03

Jeez is your BIL too cheap to even pay for a couple of travel lodge rooms for his family?;that's such a brutal journey;what a knob.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

The other option is to perhaps start saving for it now so you don't have the cost all in one go and book Xmas dinner at a pub or restaurant near your PIL's;if BIL wants in he'll have to check with the pub/restaurant if they space and pay for his own food.

There is plenty of room for them to stay at PIL, and they love having them. I can't fathom why they drove the round trip on Christmas day, it's my idea of hell. I think SiL was there under sufferance so maybe she refused to stay...

OP posts:
Diggerdriverless · 27/12/2023 02:08

I dont believe any Christmas dinner is worth a 10 hour round trip. However, if your PiL won't ask their plans you can, or at least your DH can contact his brother ANY TIME IN THE NEXT YEAR and ask. If they haven't decided then set a deadline and stick to it "We'll need to know by 7th December", DH can message again at the beginning of December. Also, tell them what their contribution to the day will be - starter, pudding, drinks, cheese - and ask for assistance on the day.

Alternatively, invite PiL to you next year.

Original poster
SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 02:08

Summerisawashout · 27/12/2023 01:52

I'm torn on this one, while the inlaws should of course be polite, it sounds like you and your DH offered to cook and organise the food on your own. The inlaws are spending 10hrs in the car with three kids to join the family lunch, it seems like it's a reasonably fair distribution of work/going out of your way/making an effort. I'd rather cook a meal than spend 10hrs driving on my day off

Yeah, I didn't expect them to cook. But I would expect them to help out, clear up, get their own drinks etc. I wouldn't dream of sitting there being waited on.

OP posts:
DespairingandDesperate · 27/12/2023 02:09

Summerisawashout · 27/12/2023 01:52

I'm torn on this one, while the inlaws should of course be polite, it sounds like you and your DH offered to cook and organise the food on your own. The inlaws are spending 10hrs in the car with three kids to join the family lunch, it seems like it's a reasonably fair distribution of work/going out of your way/making an effort. I'd rather cook a meal than spend 10hrs driving on my day off

I agree with this. They drove 10 hours to spend the day with you and their parents.

BeadedBubbles · 27/12/2023 02:12

Summerisawashout · 27/12/2023 01:52

I'm torn on this one, while the inlaws should of course be polite, it sounds like you and your DH offered to cook and organise the food on your own. The inlaws are spending 10hrs in the car with three kids to join the family lunch, it seems like it's a reasonably fair distribution of work/going out of your way/making an effort. I'd rather cook a meal than spend 10hrs driving on my day off

Agree with this.

thinslicedham · 27/12/2023 02:22

Five hours there is a long drive, but it's not physically exhausting for anyone except perhaps the driver. After sitting in a cramped position for that long, I'd welcome the chance to stretch my legs. Anyway, it's their choice to make a round trip in one day, so it's their own problem if they don't like it.

I'd do as others suggest regarding asking earlier in the month for confirmation, clearly communicating what they can bring/do to help. Regardless of who does the cooking, I wouldn't be serving them, fetching drinks, clearing the table, etc. if I didn't want to. Tell them to help themselves, leave their plates behind, and so on to give them the message that you aren't acting as their servants this time.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/12/2023 02:25

I cant help thinking that there is more to this....

BIL is notoriously difficult and selfish
SIL made a point of doing nothing
PIL terrified of upsetting BIL
BIL made a 10 hour drive.

Happy to be told I am overthinking this but used to be married to a weapons grade selfish arsehole who would go to almost any lengths, so this is my theory.

SIL is utterly sick of being treated like an unpaid slave and said that it was BIL's time to step up and actually sort Xmas.
BIL refused because....well why should he, he is so special.
SIL doubled down. She will sort the kids presents but thats IT.
BIL realises that he has to sort Xmas dinner or get some other mug to do it.....BIL announces that he will be gracings his parents with their presence.
SIL doesnt want the kids in the car for 10 hours (or indeed herself) on Xmas day but he bats back with "You said I needed to sort Xmas day and I have", he would rather drive 10 hours and put his kids through that and actually get off his arse and do anything and therefore (in his head) "lose" to SIL.
PIL have had a lifetime of his nasty manipulation and know that if they push back he will stop them seeing their grandkids.
SIL was borderline rude by doing nothing but to make a point, if he was playing this game then so was she. Nothing to do with the OP or PIL.

NumberTheory · 27/12/2023 02:30

To some extent, if your PiL want to be flexible for BiL, they won’t thank you for your help hosting Christmas at their house if you make BiL unwelcome or less likely to turn up, so whatever you decide to do, you bear that in mind. You can have boundaries with BiL (as shown by many suggestions on this thread) but you also need to think about whether they take you to the goal of making your PiL’s Christmas better - which is what I assume you are trying to do by catering the day for them.

One thing I don’t think has been mentioned is - if PiL won’t ask BiL what his plans are, it doesn’t mean you can’t. So in October, say, start a conversation with them asking what their plans are, letting them know you’re cooking and laying out your boundaries - e.g. what date you need to know by and what you expect them to contribute. Your DH should probably be the driver of that conversation unless you have a particularly good relationship with them.

The other things you can do whether BiL turns up or not is to get much of the prep work done before hand, ideally by buying stuff prepped, and getting disposable pan liners or other tricks that will cut down on the clean up.

WiddlinDiddlin · 27/12/2023 02:43

This is your DH brother...

Get him to tell his brother 'you and your family were lazy selfish fuckers this year, next year, help or don't bother coming'... or words to that effect.

Then do what suits YOU and your family and if the CF's turn up, don't wait on them, don't offer drinks, invite them to help themselves, let them get on with it or they will go hungry and thirsty!

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 27/12/2023 02:49

SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 02:08

Yeah, I didn't expect them to cook. But I would expect them to help out, clear up, get their own drinks etc. I wouldn't dream of sitting there being waited on.

Show quote history

Why did you wait on and serve them then? I don't understand how that can come about/even happen. Surely you just leave them to it rather than pander to it?

PooglesWood · 27/12/2023 02:50

Stay at home on your own next year and leave them all to it

romdowa · 27/12/2023 02:54

PooglesWood · 27/12/2023 02:50

Stay at home on your own next year and leave them all to it

I Agree with this. Let the pil and bil have their own dinner . You do your own thing at home.

Josette77 · 27/12/2023 03:01

I think some of this is rude but also why not let them get their own drinks? If you were serving them you could have stopped.

Lampzade · 27/12/2023 03:02

Tbf ten hours round trip is not easy.

coxesorangepippin · 27/12/2023 03:04

Yeah but if they didn't want to drive ten hours they don't need to?

They are not forced?

Flatandhappy · 27/12/2023 03:08

It sounds horrible but I really don’t understand why your DH didnt say to his brother “we have cooked , can you guys help clear up please” or either of you to SIL “we need more drinks, there is xxxx in the fridge could you sort the drinks please”. If you want it not to happen again you need to ask early what their plans are and make it clear if they are coming it’s a joint effort, otherwise let your in laws get on with it.

YireosDodeAver · 27/12/2023 03:10

When my siblings and I were teenagers it was normal every year for our dad plus one randomly-chosen teen companion to spend 2 hrs on Christmas morning doing the round trip one hour drive to fetch (initially) grandpa&grandma / (later RIP gp) grandma back to ours for Christmas lunch while the turkey was in the oven. Could you do that and host at yours?

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2023 03:11

Your dh discussed this with his brother before time next year. And as others have said, give them a deadline. If your bil isn’t committing, is it because your sil is refusing to come until the last minute? Or is it your bil driving this?

Just wondering the dynamic. Eg: Was there a falling out? Did your dh and pil get along with your bil before he met his wife? Etc.

telestrations · 27/12/2023 03:15

That sounds pretty normal for hosting which is what you're doing even if at PILS house.

If you don't want to host again next year then don't. Offer to go to BILs and take PILs with you, pub lunch maybe somewhere half way, give your family turn, or book a holiday.

MrBojnokopffsPurpleHat · 27/12/2023 03:30

Where is DH in all this? No communication between the brothers, or is there some odd family dynamics in play?

If it were me, and without additional information presented, I would get DH to invite PIL over to your home for the day or overnight, picking them up, and returning them home. Now, if they asked that BIL and family are also invited I would consider, and say I'll phone BIL and see what there plans are (if any). This way BIL would be told he needs to provide a firm Yes/No, and as you would be hosting, you set the tone for the day in your own home. PiL are guests, and as such BIL needn't look to them. You delegate/ask/suggest for help as you think warranted. Shift the power dynamics, and you may have a different result. They may not even want to come.

ReTrainTheBrain · 27/12/2023 03:35

I think it's fine if you offered to cook but why the hell are you waiting on them?

Firstly, give people jobs - sil can you lay the table, bil could you help bring the dishes in, everyone help clear the table please.
Secondly, People help themselves to food and drink.

rickyrickygrimes · 27/12/2023 03:45

I don’t understand why everyone seems afraid to talk to each other openly? PIL are scared to talk to BIL, your DH doesn’t want to ‘upset’ MIL, both of you seem incapable of asserting yourselves and asking DB and family to help out 🤷‍♀️. you go along with all this rather than standing up for yourselves, then blame other people for walking all over you?

PurpleBugz · 27/12/2023 03:53

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/12/2023 02:25

I cant help thinking that there is more to this....

BIL is notoriously difficult and selfish
SIL made a point of doing nothing
PIL terrified of upsetting BIL
BIL made a 10 hour drive.

Happy to be told I am overthinking this but used to be married to a weapons grade selfish arsehole who would go to almost any lengths, so this is my theory.

SIL is utterly sick of being treated like an unpaid slave and said that it was BIL's time to step up and actually sort Xmas.
BIL refused because....well why should he, he is so special.
SIL doubled down. She will sort the kids presents but thats IT.
BIL realises that he has to sort Xmas dinner or get some other mug to do it.....BIL announces that he will be gracings his parents with their presence.
SIL doesnt want the kids in the car for 10 hours (or indeed herself) on Xmas day but he bats back with "You said I needed to sort Xmas day and I have", he would rather drive 10 hours and put his kids through that and actually get off his arse and do anything and therefore (in his head) "lose" to SIL.
PIL have had a lifetime of his nasty manipulation and know that if they push back he will stop them seeing their grandkids.
SIL was borderline rude by doing nothing but to make a point, if he was playing this game then so was she. Nothing to do with the OP or PIL.

I thought this.

It's just like my brother. My parents wouldn't dare upset him as he's the favourite and as such he expects this from everyone and treats women like service humans.

I don't see my family at Christmas because of him because parents have to be available for him and I can't fecking stand him and won't have him suck the joy out of my children's Christmas or model to my children those gender roles.

I think next year you host pil at yours. If bil invites himself you say no. But in fairness he should host next year. Think of the parents like children of divorce take it in turns.

Fraaahnces · 27/12/2023 04:06

I think that a quick email to BIL from DH is not out of order… Maybe “Next time you will have to confirm a week earlier, contribute financially and help prepare the food and clean up or cater for yourselves. You owe @SweetBonanza a special thank you for adjusting the menu, shopping on hell day, preparing the food, serving you all and cleaning up afterwards. You treated her like she was a maid and neither of us are prepared to allow that to happen again.” They should be absolutely ashamed of themselves.

AGoingConcern · 27/12/2023 04:08

How stunningly rude of them. I expect to wait on guests when throwing a dinner party or similar, but family holiday celebrations are different. That's not entertaining, it's family gathering. Your BIL and SIL made it clear they do know the difference by announcing the 5 of them would be coming on Christmas 2 days in advance - that would be horrifyingly rude as non-family.

I agree with others that driving both ways to pick up & drop off your PIL so you can move the whole thing to your turf seems ideal. Either way, it's clear that this family is pants at communication and your BIL & SIL will absolutely take advantage of that, so it's time for you and DH to become very direct people. Set a clear deadline for when you need to know who will be attending, assign tasks, and just stop waiting on them. Reduce the amount of labor for there to be conflict over by arranging to purchase the main protein/desserts (labor-intensive parts of the meal that often benefit from professional cooking) from somewhere nice and ask BIL/SIL to split the cost if they'll be attending.