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Original poster

Christmas slave for the in-laws

247 replies

SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 01:15

I've just had the worst Christmas of my life, and I need some suggestions on how to make sure this never happens again.

DH, 2 DC and I usually go to his parents for Christmas. His brother lives 5 hrs drive away so he, his wife and 3 kids (teenagers) sometimes come to stay with their parents for Christmas, and sometimes stay home. However, it's always awkward as MIL seems terrified if actually asking them what their plans are, so she waits for them to tell her.

Parents in law are elderly, and we don't want them to have to drive to us (about an hour away), and don't want them to do all the work. So this year, DH and I offered to cook Christmas dinner for us at their house.

Last Friday, BIL announces they are coming to PIL for Christmas dinner for the DAY (10 hour round trip with 3 kids). We had already bought the food, so had to rush out to get more for the extra 5 people. Christmas day, they arrived for dinner... Sat down, ate dinner, and didn't lift a fucking finger to help. DH and i bought the food, carried it all in, cooked it, served it, and cleared up.

No one offered to help. No one handed me a drink. I waited hand and foot on them all day. SIL seemed to be making an extra special point of doing nothing. She sat there as if in a restaurant and allowed us to serve her and bring her food and drinks.

Never again.

So next year... How do we make sure it doesn't happen? We can't refuse them, it's not our house. DH likes to cook, and won't upset MIL by saying anything. But what if they decide to descend on us again?

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 27/12/2023 09:18

If family drove for 5 hours to get here, and had the same going home, I wouldn't expect them to help. I would have made dinner, then for tea served a buffet and cakes on the table. Mil and fil could have washed up, because you and your husband cooked. Next year you could go away, or just have a non Christmas dinner at home. My bil did this one year, to try and end relatives dropping in for Christmas dinner. He announced he wasn't having Christmas dinner, but a curry instead. No-one dropped by that year! 😆 .

wildwestpioneer · 27/12/2023 09:18

Tell them you are all coming to there's next year. If they have no problem doing it to you, do it to them

WickedSerious · 27/12/2023 09:21

Lampzade · 27/12/2023 03:02

Tbf ten hours round trip is not easy.

How long do you reckon it would take to recover enough strength to pour a drink?

Goldbar · 27/12/2023 09:21

wildwestpioneer · 27/12/2023 09:18

Tell them you are all coming to there's next year. If they have no problem doing it to you, do it to them

That will probably just about finish off BIL and SIL's marriage 😂.

Thereissomelight · 27/12/2023 09:22

QueenOfMOHO · 27/12/2023 09:18

They haven't "done nothing" though have they? They have driven for 10hours which is a pretty mammoth effort to see your family. I imagine their expenditure on petrol equalled your extra spend on additional vegetables, so it's unfair to call them mean. Next year just say you are having Xmas in your own home, just you, DH and the kids or book a restaurant.

Agree. You offered to cook so they drove a very long distance to be part of the day. It can be annoying to have everyone jumping up from the table rather than sitting and keeping the conversation going and enjoying the meal so perhaps they thought they were doing the right thing. Don’t cook for people, then moan and bitch behind their backs.

Dud they thank you and seem appreciative? Did your DH help you at all?
Next year be clear in advance what you are and are not happy to offer. Often other people are happy to be the ones to cook if guests are happy to travel a long way to visit them.

Somepeoplearesnippy · 27/12/2023 09:23

When I have more than 2 or 3 guests I get them their first drink when they arrive. As I'm doing it I say something along the lines of 'here's where the drinks are, ice is in the freezer - I'm going to be busy with the food so keep yourself topped up'.

When I cook I don't like people in the kitchen as it's often easier to do things myself than try and navigate around extra bodies who don't know where things are kept. However I'm not a martyr - when the food is ready to be served I'll ask people to start dishing up. I take off my apron when I sit down and say "that's me done for the day, the rest of it is down to you guys'.

People often feel awkward in other peoples houses. They don't know where things go, they might be wary of breaking unwritten household rules. There is no harm in just asking or telling people what needs to be done. Just say 'who's going to clear the table?' Then later ' Since John and Elsa cleared up after dinner perhaps you could empty the dishwasher Simon, oh and while you are up could you organise another round of drinks for those who want one'.

You teach people how to treat you. If you are always acting like house elves whenever your ILs are there they will accept that as the status quo. Use your words - tell them nicely (and any children over the age of about 7) what needs to be done and let them do it.

PuggyPuggyPuggy · 27/12/2023 09:25

Does DH not talk to his brother? It seems to me that if it's a known thing that BiL never tells his own parents whether or not he's coming for Christmas, then at least DH could have phoned or messaged and said "hey, we're doing the cooking at mum and dad's this year, we need to know if you're coming and for how long by 20th (date of your choosing) because that's when we're doing the big food shop." You really can't let MiL be the point of contact if she's afraid of asking straight questions, and expecting straight answers.

Greenpolkadot · 27/12/2023 09:26

More fool you.. you could see it happening in front of your eyes..handing them drinks and food..Why ?
Let them get their own drinks FFS

Faceache45 · 27/12/2023 09:28

Book Christmas Dinner in a restaurant next year.

Etoile41 · 27/12/2023 09:33

SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 01:15

I've just had the worst Christmas of my life, and I need some suggestions on how to make sure this never happens again.

DH, 2 DC and I usually go to his parents for Christmas. His brother lives 5 hrs drive away so he, his wife and 3 kids (teenagers) sometimes come to stay with their parents for Christmas, and sometimes stay home. However, it's always awkward as MIL seems terrified if actually asking them what their plans are, so she waits for them to tell her.

Parents in law are elderly, and we don't want them to have to drive to us (about an hour away), and don't want them to do all the work. So this year, DH and I offered to cook Christmas dinner for us at their house.

Last Friday, BIL announces they are coming to PIL for Christmas dinner for the DAY (10 hour round trip with 3 kids). We had already bought the food, so had to rush out to get more for the extra 5 people. Christmas day, they arrived for dinner... Sat down, ate dinner, and didn't lift a fucking finger to help. DH and i bought the food, carried it all in, cooked it, served it, and cleared up.

No one offered to help. No one handed me a drink. I waited hand and foot on them all day. SIL seemed to be making an extra special point of doing nothing. She sat there as if in a restaurant and allowed us to serve her and bring her food and drinks.

Never again.

So next year... How do we make sure it doesn't happen? We can't refuse them, it's not our house. DH likes to cook, and won't upset MIL by saying anything. But what if they decide to descend on us again?

Have a Christmas lunch and if they do descend on you they can have some tea and left over turkey sandwiches.

OlderandwiserMaybe · 27/12/2023 09:33

I don't understand why the PIL are terrified of asking their own child what their Christmas plans are?? Ate you also scared of asking the BIL such a simple question??
There's obvs some back story there.

If no one can even speak to the BIL and his wife about what their plans are - and then when they announce at short notice expecting to be fed - and no one questions that behaviour.

Why didn't anybody ask for help dishing out drinks/washing up/clearing away??
Sorry but part of this problem is on you (or rather your husbands family)

I think I'd invite the parents to your home next year - and make it clear that BIL is not invited. It sounds like the wife isn't too keen getting together anyway so they might be relived not to be included. You can even state your intentions right now.. Send all a text now making your intentions for next year clear.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 27/12/2023 09:35

SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 02:08

Yeah, I didn't expect them to cook. But I would expect them to help out, clear up, get their own drinks etc. I wouldn't dream of sitting there being waited on.

Show quote history

I don't understand how you ended up waiting on them. Sure, I can see how they ended up not helping if you/your dh didn't give them a job but did they actually sit there and ask you to get them drinks etc or did you take it on yourself to offer? If you offered, that one is on you.

You shouldn't have to hand out jobs to adults but it sounds like you have to with them. Just allocate jobs. It's unlikely they would have the brass neck to refuse a direct request. If they do, just completely ignore them so don't serve their dinner (oh help yourself) or anything else.

Isometimeswonder · 27/12/2023 09:36

Why on earth did you run around after them?
Just ask/tell one of them to do drinks for people. Ask one of them to help clear the table. In front of everyone you ask who is washing up.

Birdcar · 27/12/2023 09:38

Go out for dinner. Anyone who wants to come has to be booked in advance and has to pay for themselves.

wasanneofcleves · 27/12/2023 09:39

OlderandwiserMaybe · 27/12/2023 09:33

I don't understand why the PIL are terrified of asking their own child what their Christmas plans are?? Ate you also scared of asking the BIL such a simple question??
There's obvs some back story there.

If no one can even speak to the BIL and his wife about what their plans are - and then when they announce at short notice expecting to be fed - and no one questions that behaviour.

Why didn't anybody ask for help dishing out drinks/washing up/clearing away??
Sorry but part of this problem is on you (or rather your husbands family)

I think I'd invite the parents to your home next year - and make it clear that BIL is not invited. It sounds like the wife isn't too keen getting together anyway so they might be relived not to be included. You can even state your intentions right now.. Send all a text now making your intentions for next year clear.

My PIL are like this. It's an almost pathological fear of directness. It's infuriating. It extends to answering direct questions too...eg "what are you doing for Easter next year?" Them: "well we had a lovely Easter last year didn't we..."

It's infuriating

Thereissomelight · 27/12/2023 09:42

Maybe the BIL is difficult. Some people are like this - can’t be asked the simplest question. The PILs may be afraid if not being allowed to see the GC if they push too hard. It happens.

Thereislightattheendofthetunnel · 27/12/2023 09:44

They can bring the food done for next year and only a matter of putting it back in the oven for heating.

LindorDoubleChoc · 27/12/2023 09:47

@Etoile41 - you don't have to re-post the whole OP to make your comment. The assumption is that you are answering the original poster. Imagine if everyone on the thread did what you did?

Lovetheriff · 27/12/2023 09:49

Oh honestly I would leave the I laws and their BIL to their own weird relationship issues and would cook and host with wry humour. Run a family points score card and compete to do the most the most graciously. You can have more fun doing this as a family than anyone else in the house. If you can’t face it then allocate roles briskly or go out for lunch and do self serve picnic tea or lunch.

GrumpyPanda · 27/12/2023 09:50

SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 01:25

Yeah this is the answer. The problem is PIL are so terrified of upsetting BiL, and won't actually ask him what his plans are. They just silently hope he will grace them with his presence. So if he does suddenly announce he's coming, they'll pressure us to host him too.

Show quote history

Then your DH needs to contact his brother directly to discuss arrangements. Do they ever communicate? With PILs getting frail they'll have to, sooner or later.

CJsGoldfish · 27/12/2023 09:51

You chose to wait on them. Why? I mean, it's clear you don't like them so I can understand why you'd be annoyed that they crashed you and your DH's opportunity to perform Christmas dinner but I don't understand why on earth you'd be their Christmas 'slaves' 🙄
Knowing that sometimes they come and sometimes they don't, and that MIL is apparently 'terrified' of asking them, why wouldn't you just simply ask them their plans?

The answer to your question really doesn't seem to hard. What am I missing?

DeeLusional · 27/12/2023 09:53

SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 01:25

Yeah this is the answer. The problem is PIL are so terrified of upsetting BiL, and won't actually ask him what his plans are. They just silently hope he will grace them with his presence. So if he does suddenly announce he's coming, they'll pressure us to host him too.

Show quote history

Since OP and DH were doing the cooking, why on earth could DH not phone his own brother to ask what their intentions were, rather than just wait like a rabbit in the headlights for them to disclose their intentions? Frankly BIL and SIL deserve a lot of credit IMO for going to all that effort to make the parents happy for Xmas.

Crumpleton · 27/12/2023 09:54

The problem is PIL are so terrified of upsetting BiL, and won't actually ask him what his plans are. They just silently hope he will grace them with his presence. So if he does suddenly announce he's coming, they'll pressure us to host him too.

To me this isn't even something that you should even be involved in. It sounds like your PIL are part of the problem and just passing it on to you to deal with and fortunately for them you do.

Pretty much everyone knows that Christmas time isn't a time for "we'll squeeze a few more in" and forward planning for numbers at who's coming for dinner is needed beforehand.

If doing the Christmas prep/meal infuture...
Either tell you PIL early in December that if they'd like you to do dinner you need to know in advance of numbers, if the info isn't forth coming you'll take it as a given that someone else is seeing to it.

Ask your DH to find out.

Ask them yourself.

nutster · 27/12/2023 09:55

Snowforabit · 27/12/2023 08:55

surely this.

Edited
Show quote history

because women like the Op get their christmas joy from being a martyr

Flossflower · 27/12/2023 09:56

As is usually the case, this is the conversation you should be having with your husband. Don’t go to ILS next year. Have a cosy Christmas at home.