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AIBU?

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Original poster

Christmas slave for the in-laws

247 replies

SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 01:15

I've just had the worst Christmas of my life, and I need some suggestions on how to make sure this never happens again.

DH, 2 DC and I usually go to his parents for Christmas. His brother lives 5 hrs drive away so he, his wife and 3 kids (teenagers) sometimes come to stay with their parents for Christmas, and sometimes stay home. However, it's always awkward as MIL seems terrified if actually asking them what their plans are, so she waits for them to tell her.

Parents in law are elderly, and we don't want them to have to drive to us (about an hour away), and don't want them to do all the work. So this year, DH and I offered to cook Christmas dinner for us at their house.

Last Friday, BIL announces they are coming to PIL for Christmas dinner for the DAY (10 hour round trip with 3 kids). We had already bought the food, so had to rush out to get more for the extra 5 people. Christmas day, they arrived for dinner... Sat down, ate dinner, and didn't lift a fucking finger to help. DH and i bought the food, carried it all in, cooked it, served it, and cleared up.

No one offered to help. No one handed me a drink. I waited hand and foot on them all day. SIL seemed to be making an extra special point of doing nothing. She sat there as if in a restaurant and allowed us to serve her and bring her food and drinks.

Never again.

So next year... How do we make sure it doesn't happen? We can't refuse them, it's not our house. DH likes to cook, and won't upset MIL by saying anything. But what if they decide to descend on us again?

OP posts:
GodDammitCecil · 27/12/2023 04:15

I mean, the obvious advice OP is: speak up.

Not sure what else there is to suggest.

Others have said it. Don’t wait on them hand and foot. Get them to help prep and/or serve food. Ask them to sort drinks. Tell them to wash up.

What other advice is there, really?

If you don’t feel comfortable doing that - and you obviously don’t, or you would have just done it - expect more of the same.

ParsnipAndPoppy · 27/12/2023 04:23

I’m going to disagree about a few things. Whilst I think the ILs were very rude, I see zero point in regressing to childish arguments (you treated DW like a slave blah blah… it won’t land, believe me).

  1. they drove ten hours to be there, which whilst being unecessary WAS a massive commitment and shit way to spend the day. I agree with pp that SIL was so pissed off with having to do it that she probably felt just as put out at the extra effort as you
  2. tbf, I have had five ppl land on me a couple of days ahead of Christmas and it really wasn’t five times more efffort. Yes it was an effort and we had to buy a bit more but it wasn’t materially more than we were already doing
  3. the way around this is to plan ahead next year. Decide where you’re hosting and then stick to it with a plan eg… if they’re coming, put them in charge of buying and pouring drinks etc. also - I don’t see why you can’t ask the teenagers to help with stuff like the dishwasher.

I think everyone was a bit shit here and will have different views on what actually happened. I also wonder if you guys are put out that they’re the “favourites”

I’d say the way to start a conversation is for your DH to say to his DB… what was going on behind that, why did you drive ten hours and only decide two days before. It’s not normal… there must have been a fall out somewhere on their side?

Saggypants · 27/12/2023 04:30

This year I did almost all food prep the day before, and when it was time to eat I arranged it all on a side table and let everyone help themselves.

Afterwards I sat down in prime position on the sofa and got people to bring me drinks for the rest of the day.

Best host day ever!

AgentJohnson · 27/12/2023 04:35

I'm confused because SIL & BIL have no power to force anyone to wait on them hand and foot.

This. They are who they are, you can’t control that. If there is to be a next time, you have to decide not to be a Christmas dinner martyr.

LilBooThang · 27/12/2023 04:35

If your PIL seem terrified of asking BIL what their plans are, surely you ask BIL so that you can plan for them!

Coaster99 · 27/12/2023 04:40

You make a booking somewhere closer to PIL’s that serve Christmas lunch for yourselves and them. Hang the expense and don’t include BIL & family, let them make their own arrangements.

Ohnoooooooo · 27/12/2023 05:07

Your p’n’law are 1hr away I would just pick them up and host at your’s

Random30 · 27/12/2023 05:13

SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 02:06

There is plenty of room for them to stay at PIL, and they love having them. I can't fathom why they drove the round trip on Christmas day, it's my idea of hell. I think SiL was there under sufferance so maybe she refused to stay...

Show quote history

That would be my guess too. It sounds like she is being cornered into something she resents.

cuckyplunt · 27/12/2023 05:13

Just talk to your BIL, ask him what the plan is next year. Agree to split expense and workload. Presumably you and your DH aren’t terrified off him too?

bungletru · 27/12/2023 05:20

Next year you ask ahead if they’re coming and if they are ask them what they can contribute, what parts they’ll bring to cook and serve.

sorry you went through that. My Xmas’s with inlaws were v similar and so we no longer go there 🤣

Mikimoto · 27/12/2023 05:34

Meet them half way in a country pub and all eat out?

nottaotter · 27/12/2023 05:34

I think its easier to ask for help clearing up and serving drinks then trying to get them to cook after a 5 hour drive or get you Pil to question them about plans.

Just keep your voice light and friendly ' Oh can you give me a hand to serve John'

'Right im knackered after all that cooking, at least the cooks dont have to clear up as well,'

'Can you wash and dry John and Linda, Ive got my hands full sorting out the leftovers'. etc etc

If they refuse to get up and help they just show themselves to be arseholes in front of everyone. When they ask for another drink or snack just say 'I think the crisps are in the top cupboard and bowls in the corner cupboard'

'Ice in the freezer and if you want a nice glass there in the cabinet' etc etc

Lizzieregina · 27/12/2023 05:34

I think you have two options.

A) as suggested, invite the PIL to your house, pick them up and drop them off, overnight included if they’ll stay.

B) go to PIL but your DH contacts his DB no later than last week of November, asks him if he plans on coming, needs a response by December 1st, and if he comes, tells him what his responsibilities will be regarding food prep/clean up and contributing food and drinks.

DinkyDonkey2018 · 27/12/2023 05:38

nottaotter · 27/12/2023 05:34

I think its easier to ask for help clearing up and serving drinks then trying to get them to cook after a 5 hour drive or get you Pil to question them about plans.

Just keep your voice light and friendly ' Oh can you give me a hand to serve John'

'Right im knackered after all that cooking, at least the cooks dont have to clear up as well,'

'Can you wash and dry John and Linda, Ive got my hands full sorting out the leftovers'. etc etc

If they refuse to get up and help they just show themselves to be arseholes in front of everyone. When they ask for another drink or snack just say 'I think the crisps are in the top cupboard and bowls in the corner cupboard'

'Ice in the freezer and if you want a nice glass there in the cabinet' etc etc

This. It's far easier to manage the situation by being tactfully assertive in the moment than bending over backwards to drive people around all to avoid asking someone to wash up after dinner.

Nonplusultra · 27/12/2023 05:39

It sounds to me tlike this was a transitional
Christnas arrangement where Pils were technically hosting and in charge of inviting bil family while you and dh took over the work. Even if you’re doing it the same way next year there will be a natural evolution of you two becoming the actual hosts, that requires you to communicate with guests rather than leaving it to pils.

Once the conversation has been had about where Christmas is being held, then you get in touch directly with bil’s family. It’s going to be a different dynamic if you or dh are asking if they’re coming/when they’re arriving/whether they’re staying over. The trick is probably to communicate in a normal way instead of letting the weird family dynamics stand. Normal is not allowing unanswered texts to dominate -

  • I need to order food this weekend, let me know if you’re coming
  • hi, just ringing to check about Christmas cos you must have missed my text
  • hi sil , have you guys decided what you’re doing?
Usually I’d let your dh manage communication with his own family, but given the weirdness, it might make it easier to do it yourself.

Ask them to bring desserts and drinks so you’re not carrying the cost or all the work. If they’re still rude enough to come at the last minute with no notice, I’d just serve up tiny portions for one year.

If they’re staying, leave a set of sheets on the beds for them to make up.

“Help yourself to drinks. Actually could you pour me one while you’re at it”

The thing is that none of this is rude or confrontational - it’s just normal. Be relentlessly normal.

PieAndLattes · 27/12/2023 05:54

The hard and fast rule in our house is that the cook doesn’t clean. That’s the rule for every meal (unless you’re just cooking for yourself). Make it the rule in your house - at least at Christmas. My DP and I both the food - cooked and served, family guest set the table, kids cleared up. People help themselves to drinks. Dont be a martyr about it. Just ask.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 27/12/2023 05:58

You offered to cook but surely you must have been offering drinks etc to be involved in that? Stop serving people. Your PILs could have sorted drinks if it's their house, that couldn't be too difficult or just tell BIL/SIL to help themselves. Don't offer then complain when people accept your offer.

Newchapterbeckons · 27/12/2023 06:08

I can see both sides.

After a five hour drive of course they will be too exhausted to do loads but you can preempt this by setting out tasks in advance.

From the beginning as soon as they announced they were coming you should have made the starter and dessert their contribution, and leave them to organise it in the kitchen - leaving only the main course for you and dh. Put the wine on ice on the table and at the end summon everyone including dc to help clear and clean.

Next time find your voice and tell others to help!

KickHimInTheCrotch · 27/12/2023 06:10

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/12/2023 02:25

I cant help thinking that there is more to this....

BIL is notoriously difficult and selfish
SIL made a point of doing nothing
PIL terrified of upsetting BIL
BIL made a 10 hour drive.

Happy to be told I am overthinking this but used to be married to a weapons grade selfish arsehole who would go to almost any lengths, so this is my theory.

SIL is utterly sick of being treated like an unpaid slave and said that it was BIL's time to step up and actually sort Xmas.
BIL refused because....well why should he, he is so special.
SIL doubled down. She will sort the kids presents but thats IT.
BIL realises that he has to sort Xmas dinner or get some other mug to do it.....BIL announces that he will be gracings his parents with their presence.
SIL doesnt want the kids in the car for 10 hours (or indeed herself) on Xmas day but he bats back with "You said I needed to sort Xmas day and I have", he would rather drive 10 hours and put his kids through that and actually get off his arse and do anything and therefore (in his head) "lose" to SIL.
PIL have had a lifetime of his nasty manipulation and know that if they push back he will stop them seeing their grandkids.
SIL was borderline rude by doing nothing but to make a point, if he was playing this game then so was she. Nothing to do with the OP or PIL.

Although maybe not quite this I also think there's more going on here.

Likely SIL doesn't want to stay over at PIL because the kids will be bored and she'll have to make small talk for days, or there's some historic feud. Or she just doesn't enjoy their company. However they feel they should "make the effort" so decide to get it over with in one day. PIL have a history of tiptoeing around BIL and SIL and not expecting them to do anything once they've graced them with their presence. Probably don't want to risk pissing SIL off any further. You just got caught in the crossfire.

heartofglass23 · 27/12/2023 06:16

I wouldn't expect anyone who's in a car for 10 hours to be doing meal prep, tidying or doing dishes tbh.

But they should contribute financially and not be waited on.

Saggypants · 27/12/2023 06:24

heartofglass23 · 27/12/2023 06:16

I wouldn't expect anyone who's in a car for 10 hours to be doing meal prep, tidying or doing dishes tbh.

But they should contribute financially and not be waited on.

You don't think the teenagers could've helped with dishes after spending 5 hours on their arses in the back seat watching Tiktoks?

PurpleFlower1983 · 27/12/2023 06:27

Have you never hosted Christmas before? This is pretty standard stuff sadly!!

AnotherOldBag · 27/12/2023 06:28

Just message BIL and SIL next November like every other family does? 🤷🏼‍♀️ "Hey, do you have Xmas plans yet? We were thinking of having PILs over, or do you want to all get together at their place again like last year?" and then if the latter, assign a few jobs on the day. I'm sorry you had a rubbish Christmas; it's hard when you're caught out in the moment like thar but it's not hard to avoid it next year.

user1492757084 · 27/12/2023 06:31

Find your voice.
If you host again at your PIL, you need to ascertain two weeks before hand that they will be comimg so phone them.
Then you ask them to bring say the crackers for the table, prepared cold meat on a serving platter, and something for sweets and two plates of something for a cup of tea as well as anything that they'd like to drink.
Divvy up the catering but asign them things that will travel well in a cold esky.
You supply table decoration that can't be late, all hot meats and vegetables, leafy salads, hot pudding and cream, custard and what you and PIL drink. Your kids could do the nibbles (someone who will not be late).

Also asign tasks ahead of time. MIL and kids will set table,
X will carve the hot meat, X and X will dish up and serve, teenagers will clear the table, pack wrapping paper away, make and serve cups of tea and organise two games. BIL,FIL and DH will do the dishes, DH and BIL will attend to ice and glasses, jugs of water and etc etc. Giving FIL the task of saying Grace also indicates to all that there will be Grace and therefore to wait until the kitchen helpers are seated before eating.

PIL and their grandchildren could decide on the route of a walk.
Organise so that there are no slaves in the kitchen but everyone helps. Remind people if they forget. Dishing up with SIL is a time for chatter and catching up so call her out to help, with no reservations.

nutster · 27/12/2023 06:35

. I waited hand and foot on them all day

matryr

plain and simple

You are a grown ass woman and you ruined your own christmas (and no doubt negatively impacted your children’s as they spent no time with their mother and had to watch her run around like a slave with a sad pout on her face). Seriously OP

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