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Original poster

Christmas slave for the in-laws

247 replies

SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 01:15

I've just had the worst Christmas of my life, and I need some suggestions on how to make sure this never happens again.

DH, 2 DC and I usually go to his parents for Christmas. His brother lives 5 hrs drive away so he, his wife and 3 kids (teenagers) sometimes come to stay with their parents for Christmas, and sometimes stay home. However, it's always awkward as MIL seems terrified if actually asking them what their plans are, so she waits for them to tell her.

Parents in law are elderly, and we don't want them to have to drive to us (about an hour away), and don't want them to do all the work. So this year, DH and I offered to cook Christmas dinner for us at their house.

Last Friday, BIL announces they are coming to PIL for Christmas dinner for the DAY (10 hour round trip with 3 kids). We had already bought the food, so had to rush out to get more for the extra 5 people. Christmas day, they arrived for dinner... Sat down, ate dinner, and didn't lift a fucking finger to help. DH and i bought the food, carried it all in, cooked it, served it, and cleared up.

No one offered to help. No one handed me a drink. I waited hand and foot on them all day. SIL seemed to be making an extra special point of doing nothing. She sat there as if in a restaurant and allowed us to serve her and bring her food and drinks.

Never again.

So next year... How do we make sure it doesn't happen? We can't refuse them, it's not our house. DH likes to cook, and won't upset MIL by saying anything. But what if they decide to descend on us again?

OP posts:
quisensoucie · 27/12/2023 06:38

Are you mute? J h christ on a bike, MN if full of such threads...
"I martyred myself before the day and on the day... so i should be offered beatification as a minimum, but i doubt i will, so i will just moan about how put upon i am on a public forum.."

nutster · 27/12/2023 06:42

quisensoucie · 27/12/2023 06:38

Are you mute? J h christ on a bike, MN if full of such threads...
"I martyred myself before the day and on the day... so i should be offered beatification as a minimum, but i doubt i will, so i will just moan about how put upon i am on a public forum.."

Edited

It is astonishing isn’t it?

I think of their children. Watching their mother run around like a simpering wreck. And then angry and tearful when the guests leave.

Mumof2teens79 · 27/12/2023 06:44

Surely DH takes control and says to BIL.
We are cooking dinner at Parents this year, are you coming? I need yo know by 1st Dec.
Then if they are sayvgreat you are in charge of drinks and kids can do washing up.

raindropsonatinroof · 27/12/2023 06:48

quisensoucie · 27/12/2023 06:38

Are you mute? J h christ on a bike, MN if full of such threads...
"I martyred myself before the day and on the day... so i should be offered beatification as a minimum, but i doubt i will, so i will just moan about how put upon i am on a public forum.."

Edited

Yep! There have been multiple threads like this and when people suggest ways of asking them to step up or suggesting alternative Christmas plans it's always "oh no, I couldn't possibly do that- they'll be offended". Um ok- carry on being a martyr then! You can't have it both ways I'm afraid.

nutster · 27/12/2023 06:58

Mumof2teens79 · 27/12/2023 06:44

Surely DH takes control and says to BIL.
We are cooking dinner at Parents this year, are you coming? I need yo know by 1st Dec.
Then if they are sayvgreat you are in charge of drinks and kids can do washing up.

Surely DH takes control?

Well yes but why on earth wouldn’t the Op use her voice (and indeed her backbone).

Doesn’t need to be drama or rudeness. Just a “ok can you please help clear the table? and could you start loading the dishwasher” “help yourself to drinks”
”ok can we do a quick gathering up of glasses etc as XYZ are going to load the dishwasher please”. etc etc

nutster · 27/12/2023 07:00

raindropsonatinroof · 27/12/2023 06:48

Yep! There have been multiple threads like this and when people suggest ways of asking them to step up or suggesting alternative Christmas plans it's always "oh no, I couldn't possibly do that- they'll be offended". Um ok- carry on being a martyr then! You can't have it both ways I'm afraid.

Show quote history

They probably go home offended anyway because the host has been stomping around with a face like thunder and huffing and puffing in the kitchen!

Pipsquiggle · 27/12/2023 07:03

Is your DH able to contact your DBIL pre-Christmas to see if they are coming? Then tell they are in charge of dessert / cheese / snacks.......

I realise this can be difficult as my DH seems incapable of talking to his side of the family to organise/ clarify anything.

Driving 10 hours in 1 day is nuts. I think there is more at play here, sounds like DSIL mad at her DH for being thoughtless/ incompetent/ selfish.

TBH if I had driven 5 hours and would be doing the same again after the meal, I probably wouldn't be offering to do a load of work in between.

Cadenza12 · 27/12/2023 07:08

Mumof2teens79 · 27/12/2023 06:44

Surely DH takes control and says to BIL.
We are cooking dinner at Parents this year, are you coming? I need yo know by 1st Dec.
Then if they are sayvgreat you are in charge of drinks and kids can do washing up.

Exactly this. Perfectly reasonable.

mottytotty · 27/12/2023 07:15

Can DH not have a word with his brother? And say that it’s not on for him and you to have to wait on them hand and foot, so they need host next year at parents house?

JoyeuxNarwhal · 27/12/2023 07:15

Go out next year so you're all waited on. We did it for the first time this year and it was brilliant. Plus you'd have to know in advance if bil was coming as you need numbers to book.

Lucyccfc68 · 27/12/2023 07:19

Chichimcgee · 27/12/2023 01:19

Unfortunately that tends to be the way when you host Christmas for ‘guests’ you’ll have to be firm. ‘Sil you can wash up while I’m prepping desert’ and don’t bring them drinks in the first place

‘BIL you can wash up while I’m prepping desert’

AliceOlive · 27/12/2023 07:19

Why won’t your husband speak to his brother? Are you coming for Christmas? Can you help us clear the table? Not difficult questions!

OMGitsnotgood · 27/12/2023 07:20

.I agree with PPs.... 10 hour round trip in a day is ridiculous, but if my guests were doing that, I wouldn't expect them to help much when they got here, although they should do something. They will also have spent a small fortune on fuel so I would be happy to provide their food.

What you could do next year:

  • find out in plenty of time if they are coming, don't leave it up to your PIL, ask DH to do it
  • ask them to bring whatever their whole family would like to drink on the day, saves you second guessing, less to buy (not just £££ but trolley space )
  • give them their first drink on arrival and then say you can't manage the food and serve drinks, so they need to help themselves
  • ask each of them to do one small thing - that is 5 jobs done eg 'BIL please help clear the table': 'SIL can you help me carry the food through' Ditto teenage children.
Greydogs123 · 27/12/2023 07:22

Why did you keep getting the drinks? Were they asking you for drinks? I would have been saying “I’m busy with dinner/clearing up you can fetch your own drink, can’t you?”
As for them suddenly announcing their plans, if you decide that you are cooking next time, then surely your Dh can contact his brother and ask
him what his plans are?

pinkfondu · 27/12/2023 07:27

Doesnt your dh speak to him ever to drop in what are you doing at Xmas?

Birch101 · 27/12/2023 07:31

Honestly I would go down 2 routes if you want to spend with your PIL

  1. Pick up PIL on Christmas Eve and drop them off on Boxing Day morning ( to avoid 2 round trips on Christmas Day) and do Christmas at yours and don't invite the BIL and family
  1. Start a group chat in Oct - Christmas 24, and literally put in a who is coming to PIL for Christmas this year, RSVP by X date. Everyone is pitching in for costs so please send X per head (Inc teenagers) by X date. (Look.at local menu prices) And for God sake put the drinks on the side offer the first one after a long drive and then say help yourself. Sometimes you need a person who will just shimmy everyone along and say right everyone pass plates down, who is doing drying up etc - their choice to do 10hrs in one day. My mum used to cook so we learnt we cleared the table and washed up.
NoraBattysCurlers · 27/12/2023 07:34

DH likes to cook, and won't upset MIL by saying anything.

Here lies your problem.

Your DH likes to cook and won't upset your MIL by saying anything. This is his decision.

What you do is entirely your decision. It is up to you whether you wait hand on foot.on your BIL and his family. If you are unhappy with the situation, you do not have to go along with it.

If your DH had to do it all himself, he might not be so happy to continue with the situation.

Holly60 · 27/12/2023 07:43

Summerisawashout · 27/12/2023 01:52

I'm torn on this one, while the inlaws should of course be polite, it sounds like you and your DH offered to cook and organise the food on your own. The inlaws are spending 10hrs in the car with three kids to join the family lunch, it seems like it's a reasonably fair distribution of work/going out of your way/making an effort. I'd rather cook a meal than spend 10hrs driving on my day off

Yes I think I agree with this

LakieLady · 27/12/2023 07:46

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 27/12/2023 01:52

Don't buy extra food.
If thet want feeding, they need to give notice and contribute.

Don't wait on them.

This.

Expecting to be catered for at the last minute is ridiculous. If they pull this stunt again, tell them they'll need to bring enough food and drink for themselves, as you've already ordered and didn't know they were coming, and that they'll need to pull their weight.

Someone I know used to be in charge of Christmas at their elderly parents, and their 3 brothers and SILs used to come. They made each couple responsible for one part of the meal: buying it, prepping it, cooking it, and getting it on the table at the right time. The older kids were on kitchen porter duties: clearing surfaces, fetching and carrying etc. Friend just co-ordinated the whole event.

Mind you, the parents had a large house with a massive kitchen so there was room for several people to work in there at once. It might not be feasible in the narrow kitchen of a 1930's semi.

BrimfulOfMash · 27/12/2023 07:55

Your DH needs to communicate with his brother earlier in the year. Tell him the parents are not now able to shop and cook so your family did it and need to know by xx date how many to cater for as it doubles the numbers.

Is your DH afraid to make arrangements with his brother?

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 27/12/2023 07:55

Why can't your DH have a chat to his brother about Christmas plans or have I missed something?

Snowdogsmitten · 27/12/2023 07:59

Why is everyone terrified of saying anything to this year BIL and his family? Is he the golden child or something?

Your H should call him out on their behaviour.

ManateeFair · 27/12/2023 08:01

You keep saying ‘MIL is scared to ask BIL what his plans are’ but why does that stop you and DH having the conversation?

“Hi BIL, just to let you we’ve asked PILs to come to us this Christmas and stay over. Just wanted to let you know, as obviously this means you won’t be able to go to theirs - I’m guessing you’ll be relieved not to have another five hour drive this year.”

Silverbirchtwo · 27/12/2023 08:03

Just say, GIve us a hand dishing up, Can you wash while I dry, Get me a drink my hands are full and I'm parched, etc, etc. If they are early enough, Who's peeling potatoes? and who's making the sauce?

muddyford · 27/12/2023 08:05

Why didn't you say could one of you help with this?