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AIBU?

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Original poster

Christmas slave for the in-laws

247 replies

SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 01:15

I've just had the worst Christmas of my life, and I need some suggestions on how to make sure this never happens again.

DH, 2 DC and I usually go to his parents for Christmas. His brother lives 5 hrs drive away so he, his wife and 3 kids (teenagers) sometimes come to stay with their parents for Christmas, and sometimes stay home. However, it's always awkward as MIL seems terrified if actually asking them what their plans are, so she waits for them to tell her.

Parents in law are elderly, and we don't want them to have to drive to us (about an hour away), and don't want them to do all the work. So this year, DH and I offered to cook Christmas dinner for us at their house.

Last Friday, BIL announces they are coming to PIL for Christmas dinner for the DAY (10 hour round trip with 3 kids). We had already bought the food, so had to rush out to get more for the extra 5 people. Christmas day, they arrived for dinner... Sat down, ate dinner, and didn't lift a fucking finger to help. DH and i bought the food, carried it all in, cooked it, served it, and cleared up.

No one offered to help. No one handed me a drink. I waited hand and foot on them all day. SIL seemed to be making an extra special point of doing nothing. She sat there as if in a restaurant and allowed us to serve her and bring her food and drinks.

Never again.

So next year... How do we make sure it doesn't happen? We can't refuse them, it's not our house. DH likes to cook, and won't upset MIL by saying anything. But what if they decide to descend on us again?

OP posts:
Mamma1982 · 27/12/2023 08:05

Go out for a restaurant meal then you can all enjoy yourselves and they can still drive back afterwards! You all have a year to save up for it!

3peassuit · 27/12/2023 08:06

I wouldn’t expect people who are spending 10 hours in a car with 3 kids to help. Mind you, I think they’re nuts to do that journey in a single day.

pmama · 27/12/2023 08:11

Based on my experience, some people are just like this. Like my bother, with 5! kids. When they come for Christmas dinner, they bring a box of gingerbread cookies, and that is everything, but they are staying or whole afternoon and evening... plus parents just sit down and as my husband and me are there, 'oh sure you can watch the kids!'. It is soooooo upsetting. This year, they went to my SIL's parents, but apart from the Covid years, we were hosting for so many (as we have big enough place)... so I can feel your pain. Just say you were not planning with them (if they are last minute) and have no food/time to cater for more people. Or, announce that next year would be their turn and you would love to travel to their home!

ssd · 27/12/2023 08:12

Why doesn't your dh or yourself ask BIL what hes doing??

GreatGateauxsby · 27/12/2023 08:13

Fraaahnces · 27/12/2023 04:06

I think that a quick email to BIL from DH is not out of order… Maybe “Next time you will have to confirm a week earlier, contribute financially and help prepare the food and clean up or cater for yourselves. You owe @SweetBonanza a special thank you for adjusting the menu, shopping on hell day, preparing the food, serving you all and cleaning up afterwards. You treated her like she was a maid and neither of us are prepared to allow that to happen again.” They should be absolutely ashamed of themselves.

Agree with this

I also think @PyongyangKipperbang s theory may well hold water.

I think you will get suckered into doing it at theirs.
If so, manage it upfront.

DH texts BIL and says "we are doing X. What are your plans?'

If he does a last minute job your DH is clear.
"Happy for you to join last minute. You'll need to bring 3 bottles of red and white and two desserts (Yule log, cheesecake, Christmas pudding or similar) and at least 3 cheeses for cheese board"

I find a useful way of making people do things is you say
"I'm making the gravy and potatoes while DH carves. BIL can you set the table and sil can you bring the drinks and and sort tops ups. Mil fil, you relax"

On drinks
"What would you like to drink?'
"Beer/wine/champagne"
"Great. We have some they are in the fridge, help yourself. Oh! And grab one for DH too while you are there he is running low! Thankkkks"

Have a plan B for If they turn up with FUCK ALL.
Serves yourself a first. Give them all tiny mini Xmas dinners and as a side make something like a pasta pesto in a big bowl they can help themselves to or a big bowl of mash.
Desserts you all get served first. They get a tiny slice and a scoop of ice-cream.
Fuck em.

wasanneofcleves · 27/12/2023 08:18

Absolutely ridiculous behaviour and I'm staggered people are such pushovers that they would allow this to be a possibility for a second year. If it were me I would be presenting these as options:

  1. PIL a come to you. Dh is responsible for organising transport.
  1. You stay at home with your kids and DH and let the rest of them get on with it.
  1. You go to PIL but don't tolerate the ridiculous passive situation where you don't know until last minute who is coming and allow yourself to be treated as a slave. PIL should be made to ask BIL if they are coming or DH should be made to speak to brother to insist on an answer and ask for financial contribution. Under no circumstances should you meekly get on with hosting for everyone. What's wrong with "BIL can you get me a champers please?" Or "SIL would you mind fetching the cheese from the fridge" etc etc
CatamaranViper · 27/12/2023 08:19

Delegate jobs. That's the best way to do it.
If someone tries to make you wait on them, ask what's wrong with their legs or just say no and laugh it off. Don't be a push over!

Goldbar · 27/12/2023 08:27

Has SIL always been like this or is it a recent thing?

I'm another one who's probably reading far too much into this and guessing that BIL and SIL's relationship is not in a good place. If up until now she's been a reasonably helpful human being, there's probably more going on than her deciding suddenly to be an unhelpful lazy arsehole.

And your posts suggest BIL has form for being an awkward bully, if you're all afraid to ask him his plans.

It may be that 4/5ths of this problem resolves itself by next Christmas and it's just BIL who you/PIL are being bullied into hosting rather than the whole family.

supersop60 · 27/12/2023 08:31

ReTrainTheBrain · 27/12/2023 03:35

I think it's fine if you offered to cook but why the hell are you waiting on them?

Firstly, give people jobs - sil can you lay the table, bil could you help bring the dishes in, everyone help clear the table please.
Secondly, People help themselves to food and drink.

This.

Purplewarrior · 27/12/2023 08:36

I agree with PP you sound like a ridiculous martyr.

DH needs to speak with his brother to ensure this doesn’t happen again.

gannett · 27/12/2023 08:37

There was a thread yesterday about why people don't communicate with their partners about gifts and I immediately thought of it.

Why can no one in this scenario communicate in advance? Or even in the moment? Is everyone just letting the absurdity unfold, unable to say a word but seething with resentment inside?

Your BIL's family waiting til the last minute to decide whether they're deigning to come is the most ridiculous aspect, and completely unreasonable. You don't get to do that at Xmas unless in case of an actual emergency. I don't know why your PIL are terrified of asking him but why can't you or your brother? Ask well in advance and give a deadline. If he hasn't confirmed yes by the deadline then don't buy any extra food - if he insists on coming at the last minute tell him he has to bring food for his family.

Presumably the 10-hour round trip isn't a surprise, as ridiculous as it sounds. Once you know they're intending to embark on it you can confirm rough arrival times AND also how they intend to pitch in. And if they just sit there like lemons while you slave away you can open your mouth and ask them for help.

All the above is pretty simple. But given the amount of ridiculous decisions and refusals to communicate in your family my actual advice is to sack them all off and go on holiday next Xmas.

banananas1999 · 27/12/2023 08:39

10hr round trip-think if they are expected to do tidying up and dishes in between they wont bother coming. I would not drive for 10hours just to go eat a meal,nevermind the cleaning up.

You are all family how is this even a problem,get disposable plates for that one day if it helps,turkey/chicken that comes in roasting foil, pre prepped veg etc

Its literally 1 day only.

Shouldgetupearlier · 27/12/2023 08:42

ZekeZeke · 27/12/2023 01:23

After 5 hours travelling I wouldn't want to be doing anything but sit on my arse to be honest.
That's a mad journey for a dinner, plus another 5 home? Crazy!

This. They’re really rude not to give any notice and not to have provided anything, but they’ll be exhausted.

SoupDragon · 27/12/2023 08:46

No one offered to help. No one handed me a drink. I waited hand and foot on them all day.

Where was your DH in all this?

Your PIL might be "scared" to ask BIL what his plans are but your DH should be able to (and make it clear that turning up last minute isn't going to work next time).

Yes, they behaved selfishly but some of the blame for letting the lives on you and your DH.

to those posters saying that the BIL had a 10 hour round trip and thus should be allowed to sit on his arse, it was his choice to do that. No one made him.

Candycurrantbun · 27/12/2023 08:49

More fool you for not asking for help. Yes, they should have offered but nothing stopping you from asking them to muck in.

Snowforabit · 27/12/2023 08:55

Josette77 · 27/12/2023 03:01

I think some of this is rude but also why not let them get their own drinks? If you were serving them you could have stopped.

surely this.

laclochette · 27/12/2023 09:00

The issues here are:

  1. No notice from BIL, so no chance to discuss and divvy out the work associated with Xmas in advance
  2. No offers of help from BIL and family on the day

Solutions:

  1. Use your own line of communication to your BIL? "Hello, good to see you all at Xmas. Since we effectively hosted at your parents' this year, next year, let's discuss our respective plans in advance, so we can all know well before the day who will be where, and we can decide who's contributing what." If they don't engage with you and then suddenly tell you they're rocking up with no notice: "I'm so sorry, we did ask you to let us know if you'd be there - as you didn't confirm there's not enough to cater for your family. Feel free to bring extra food etc and I'm sure we can cook together."

  2. Tell them what to do! From peeling spuds to washing up. A long drive isn't an excuse to treat you like staff.

ProfYaffle · 27/12/2023 09:06

I agree that DH needs to take control. Next year, he messages his brother to ask him about his plans well in advance. He explains that it's hard work hosting so many and how can we ease the load?

He could raise the idea of meeting in a pub half way, or just have Boxing Day together with buffet food/takeaway, or agree how to split the work if it's the big day at home.

PaperLanterns · 27/12/2023 09:06

Why don’t you just ask BIL if he’s coming in November time instead of waiting on MIL to find out?

I never understand why plans are left so late as Christmas is happening regardless. It’s the same with my in laws who organise nothing beforehand then suggest something the few days before!

MsMcGonagall · 27/12/2023 09:12

At the point when you don't want your PIL to do the hosting work anymore, then, the traditions change. Next year, tell everyone that you are staying home for Christmas. You can invite your PIL, and with the suggestion from pp that you pick them up and they can stay over if they like.

If PIL don't want to accept your invite that's up to them.

You can choose whether or not you are inviting BIL/SIL to your house or not.

Feelinglow27 · 27/12/2023 09:13

Can your husband at least communicate with his brother before Xmas to see what his plans are? I don't think it's fair he plays the game of keeping it a secret (and it's wierd)

Malarandras · 27/12/2023 09:15

Nobody reasonable thinks it is ok for someone to announce they and their whole family are coming for Christmas dinner so near the time. You all need to stop enabling this awful behaviour!!

5128gap · 27/12/2023 09:16

"DH, that was the worst Christmas of my life because no one even offered me a drink and I worked all day. Can you make sure you sort things out with your family so I don't have to do that next year? I don't mind A,B and C. But don't want to do X, Y abd Z again"

QueenOfMOHO · 27/12/2023 09:18

They haven't "done nothing" though have they? They have driven for 10hours which is a pretty mammoth effort to see your family. I imagine their expenditure on petrol equalled your extra spend on additional vegetables, so it's unfair to call them mean. Next year just say you are having Xmas in your own home, just you, DH and the kids or book a restaurant.

JanefromLondon1 · 27/12/2023 09:18

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