Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Unhappy newlywed

202 replies

Busybee91 · 26/12/2023 21:30

I have been with my husband 8 years and we married this year. We've had a rocky time in my opinion and thinking about kids, but I'm not sure I want any with him. Although I'm nearly 33 and feel like time is pushing on.
I think he would be a good dad but my gosh, I find him so selfish and inconsiderate sometimes. It really worries me about having children together as I'm not sure he would pull his socks up.
It really grates on me, more so recently.
Just a few examples from recently...
Honeymoon I was sick, presumably with norovirus. He didn't seem to believe I was poorly and had an attitude of get up and get on with it when I physically couldn't get out of bed. When I did finally make an effort to go for food that evening , I felt so so poorly I nearly passed out and actually had the runs before making it back to our room 😳 he stayed in the restaurant and came back 10 mins later as I had to run out.
He sat at the pool all day and didn't offer any drinks or food, I had to message him and ask. The only time he messaged was to ask if I was coming down to the pool🤷‍♀️
The next day we had an excursion and he told me i would have to go reception at 8am to let them know if we could go as he wanted a lie in. Even though i still had the runs. I didn't go as I felt rotten and messaged the butler to cancel.
I didn't expect him to be at my bedside but at least offer to bring some food or drink surely.

Honeymoon there was a problem with the visa and he was worried we wouldn't get there. He refused to look at excursions or restaurants and plan our itinerary. I knew we would make it and he was worrying, so it put a real downer on the trip. He made no effort to look and I ended up doing it whilst we we doing the city break.
Other day I asked if we could go the theatre as I really fancy going and haven't been in years. It was an outright no. He's a bit of a man's man so I kind of get it but I have been to at least 10 concerts with him to see his favourite bands.
He's ALWAYS late , today we went to my parents for boxing day dinner. I said dinner will be ready around 230-3 so don't come any later than 3 as I was already there. He turns up at 320 when everyone was sat around the table. The dinner hadnt been given out by that point but my mum was stressing about where he was. I was absolutely furious and found it super disrespectful, especially to my parents. His point is, he was there 10 minutes by the time it was given out.
Other times where I've cooked our tea for whenever he's ready to come home, only for him to be an hour late without even telling me..he wanted to stay and watch some more footy.
I could go on and on.
We had a row about tonight once home and he's now gone out to his mums.
Of course , he has his good points . But I find it unbelievably difficult to talk to him as he gets super defensive and argumentative. Things turn into an argument and we won't talk for days or resolve anything.
I know it's not all him, I suffer with anxiety which I have started counselling for to try and help things.
Anybody else have this problem newly married or in general..or maybe it's just me being a nightmare wife 😬

OP posts:
Rocknrollstar · 26/12/2023 21:33

Why did you marry him?

Avoidingsleep · 26/12/2023 21:35

He sounds very self centred and inconsiderate.

has he become so since you got married, or was he before? The way you write it sounds like he always has been. It sounds like he needs a reality check in order to realise he has to change.

Go to the theatre with a friend, it sucks that he won’t go, but he would probably just ruin it for you by sulking the whole time.

SEG152 · 26/12/2023 21:35

Children make a relationship (and life) harder, more stressful and strained. If you dislike things he does now, a child isn’t going to make them better. If anything you’ll resent him more. Do not have children with a man you already are questioning. Move on and find someone you actually like.

HolidayAddict23 · 26/12/2023 21:37

I agree with a PP, why did you marry him? You obviously knows what he was like before you got married?!?

Frabbits · 26/12/2023 21:39

Kids stress even the best relationships to the limit. It will get way worse.

14Q · 26/12/2023 21:41

Has he changed since you got married?

He doesn't sound very nice. What do you think he will be like as you get older?

Why do you cook for him?

LorlieS · 26/12/2023 21:45

My biggest regret in life is having children with a man I was not 100% "sold" on. He turned out to be an abusive and controlling narc and now I only see my sons EOW. They are teenagers now but only 3 and 6 when I left him. Life has been unimaginably tough and it's not a situation I would wish on my worst enemy.
He sadly will always be a part of my life as our sons' father but oh how I wish he wasn't! Wish I'd never had married him and definitely never had children with him!!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/12/2023 21:47

Having children with a selfish man will be a disaster.

VickyEadieofThigh · 26/12/2023 21:50

I'm another person wondering why on earth you married him. Or are even still with him.

youcandanceifyouwanna · 26/12/2023 21:51

What strikes me is you saying that you 'won't talk for days or resolve anything'. Why? Have you tried couples counselling? If he was really stressed about the honeymoon visa and felt you dismissed his concerns that likely set the tone for the whole holiday.

festivepains · 26/12/2023 21:53

Was he different before the wedding?

Dogknowsbest · 26/12/2023 21:53

Was he different before you married? I think a lot of men who are emotionally abusive are able to hide it quite well before marriage so that after they've built trust, you won't listen to your instincts. This makes gaslighting and manipulation much more effective.

The issue is that it's really hard if you're just married because you feel you should work at it but really I think you need to make a decision that's good for you while you have less financial commitments and you can walk away with a clean break.

Busybee91 · 26/12/2023 21:55

We end up arguing really bad so end up just not talking. He was super stressed and I felt really bad for him I offered to go halves on an immigration lawyer to settle his worries but he poo poo everything I suggested. We had no option but to go or change the honeymoon, but changing it would have been an extra 2.5k as I asked the travel agent. My point to him was we've exhausted every avenue and it's out of our control so we need to go (it affected me too as I wouldn't have gone on honeymoon alone!). I suggested couples counselling a while back but he said no

OP posts:
SpringSparrow · 26/12/2023 21:56

He sounds awful. What are his good points? It’s not you being a nightmare wife. It’s him being a horrible man. Honestly I’d get divorced and find someone else.

wildwestpioneer · 26/12/2023 21:58

There's no way I'd have children with a man like him. If you're finding things annoying and difficult now, you can times it by 1000 with kids in the mix. He'll continue to be selfish and uncaring, but not only towards you, but also your dc.

I'd cut and run now, find someone whose ego isn't so big and that will care, be kind and put you first.

Listen to him, he's showing you exactly the kind of man he is.

Merryoldgoat · 26/12/2023 21:59

Nothing you’ve said suggests he’d be an even half-way decent father.

I can’t fathom why you married him.

Mumoftwo1312 · 26/12/2023 22:00

How a man treats you when you're ill is (imo) the no1 consideration before having kids. After giving birth you may well be very ill indeed (I was after dc1) and have a baby to look after at the same time. Also, small kids get ill a lot. And pregnancy is tough.

The best kind of man to have kids with, imo, is a man who is sympathetic, practical and attentive when his wife is ill.

(I'm typing this in bed, recently postpartum, floored with yet another infection aargh)

iLovee · 26/12/2023 22:01

The immigration lawyer makes me worry he is using you for a visa. Get rid babe, you are worth so much more!!@Busybee91

Birch101 · 26/12/2023 22:01

You say you think he will make a good dad and then describe someone who doesn't show kindness, empathy, or respect to the person he is meant to care for most.

Pregnancy, labour and navigating parenthood can make you very vunerable..

The person you have described is not someone I would tie myself to with a child.

Loubelle70 · 26/12/2023 22:01

SpringSparrow · 26/12/2023 21:56

He sounds awful. What are his good points? It’s not you being a nightmare wife. It’s him being a horrible man. Honestly I’d get divorced and find someone else.

Yep

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/12/2023 22:02

He doesn't listen to you
He doesn't care when you're ill
He doesn't communicate with you
He is a sulker
He doesn't care about your plans
He won't make plans with you
He won't compromise on activities to make sure he does things that you enjoy even when he doesn't
He shits all over your plans

I'm not trying to diminish your mental health issues, but literally most people would have anxiety being married to this

He treats you with utter disdain. Please don't worry about being married for a short time. I always respect people who leave after a short marrige - it's really brave to admit you made a mistake, and to refuse to put up with years of shit just to keep up appearances.

Therapy might also be an idea to work out why you're even considering staying with someone who treats you like a distant aquinatance

Sceptre86 · 26/12/2023 22:02

You had 8 years to suss him out and you decided to marry him. Why? Are you afraid of being single? What exactly are his good points? Get help re your anxiety because you are settling for so much less than you deserve.

I've been ill for a week (not able to get out of bed for 3 days) , dh has taken a care of all 3 kids, managed our home, done all the cooking, including Christmas day whilst I was in A &E and looked after me. I'm not saying this to gloat op, it's to highlight that this is what a good dh does.

I'd ditch the deadweight.

LightSpeeds · 26/12/2023 22:02

He sounds awful and I'm really sorry that you can't see this.

Jackfrostnippingatmynose · 26/12/2023 22:11

For God sake don't have kids with him as he'll get worse. You need to sit down together and have an honest chat about your expectations and any future together.

nutbrownhare15 · 26/12/2023 22:12

Don't have children with anyone who ignores that fact you are ill. He'll expect you to look after them whenever you are ill too.