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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unhappy newlywed

202 replies

Busybee91 · 26/12/2023 21:30

I have been with my husband 8 years and we married this year. We've had a rocky time in my opinion and thinking about kids, but I'm not sure I want any with him. Although I'm nearly 33 and feel like time is pushing on.
I think he would be a good dad but my gosh, I find him so selfish and inconsiderate sometimes. It really worries me about having children together as I'm not sure he would pull his socks up.
It really grates on me, more so recently.
Just a few examples from recently...
Honeymoon I was sick, presumably with norovirus. He didn't seem to believe I was poorly and had an attitude of get up and get on with it when I physically couldn't get out of bed. When I did finally make an effort to go for food that evening , I felt so so poorly I nearly passed out and actually had the runs before making it back to our room 😳 he stayed in the restaurant and came back 10 mins later as I had to run out.
He sat at the pool all day and didn't offer any drinks or food, I had to message him and ask. The only time he messaged was to ask if I was coming down to the pool🤷‍♀️
The next day we had an excursion and he told me i would have to go reception at 8am to let them know if we could go as he wanted a lie in. Even though i still had the runs. I didn't go as I felt rotten and messaged the butler to cancel.
I didn't expect him to be at my bedside but at least offer to bring some food or drink surely.

Honeymoon there was a problem with the visa and he was worried we wouldn't get there. He refused to look at excursions or restaurants and plan our itinerary. I knew we would make it and he was worrying, so it put a real downer on the trip. He made no effort to look and I ended up doing it whilst we we doing the city break.
Other day I asked if we could go the theatre as I really fancy going and haven't been in years. It was an outright no. He's a bit of a man's man so I kind of get it but I have been to at least 10 concerts with him to see his favourite bands.
He's ALWAYS late , today we went to my parents for boxing day dinner. I said dinner will be ready around 230-3 so don't come any later than 3 as I was already there. He turns up at 320 when everyone was sat around the table. The dinner hadnt been given out by that point but my mum was stressing about where he was. I was absolutely furious and found it super disrespectful, especially to my parents. His point is, he was there 10 minutes by the time it was given out.
Other times where I've cooked our tea for whenever he's ready to come home, only for him to be an hour late without even telling me..he wanted to stay and watch some more footy.
I could go on and on.
We had a row about tonight once home and he's now gone out to his mums.
Of course , he has his good points . But I find it unbelievably difficult to talk to him as he gets super defensive and argumentative. Things turn into an argument and we won't talk for days or resolve anything.
I know it's not all him, I suffer with anxiety which I have started counselling for to try and help things.
Anybody else have this problem newly married or in general..or maybe it's just me being a nightmare wife 😬

OP posts:
LinnieM · 27/12/2023 05:26

The updates get worse and worse. These are all red flags, do not ignore them. Do not have children with him otherwise you’ll be back on here after some years. Good luck

yhk · 27/12/2023 05:42

@Busybee91 "We needed a visa to go on honeymoon but there was an issue with his where he might not get in the country. He was super stressed about it and I tried my best to help but I couldn't take the problem away."

A previous conviction for either drugs or violence offences?

Olika · 27/12/2023 05:50

If it's this bad now then having children with him will make it thousand times worse.

EasternEcho · 27/12/2023 05:59

Imagine if you had a child to look after on that honeymoon with a man like that? That will be your future. I wouldn't have a child with a man like that. In fact, I would leave, no matter what his other good points are.

Menopausalprincess · 27/12/2023 06:38

Haven’t read the whole thread, but seriously! Consider carefully whether you want to be married to this man & spend the rest of your life with him. Do not have children unless you both want them and really want to spend the time, effort and money it takes to bring them up.

A baby creates huge pressures in your relationship, they are much more likely to break it apart than glue it together. Your, and your child’s, best future starts with you choosing their father!

Pipsquiggle · 27/12/2023 06:43

Please don't have DC with this man. He's already told you he won't change his lifestyle and shown you he is unsupportive when things get slightly harder.

Catsknowbest · 27/12/2023 06:48

Sorry but doesn't sound like you are compatible at all.

Loubelle70 · 27/12/2023 06:53

nutbrownhare15 · 26/12/2023 22:12

Don't have children with anyone who ignores that fact you are ill. He'll expect you to look after them whenever you are ill too.

This allover. I had it. He used to minimise my illnesses... even to point whereas my daughter had to call ambulance, blue light, anaphylactic shock, i couldn't breathe, rash, on floor struggling to breathe, he stood over me and did nothing. They minimise how ill you are so you can carry on doing for them no matter what. They don't want you malingering eh 😒

Redburnett · 27/12/2023 06:53

I genuinely don't understand why you chose to marry him after almost 8 years? You knew what he is like. My advice is to file for divorce as soon as you are able.

autienotnaughty · 27/12/2023 07:00

Just to say hopefully they won't always be a part of your life. I split up with a abusive man and it was awful still having to see him. However once the kids got to teens we never needed to communicate so I never saw him. Kids are early twenties now and I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen him in past 10 years. The last time I saw him was 3 years ago for dd graduation.

BusyMummyWrites · 27/12/2023 07:03

Am wondering why you think he would be a good dad? Nothing you’ve described in our posts suggests a man capable of empathy, compassion or consideration. If he cannot support you when you are ill, what are the chances he’ll discover a well of decency when you are pregnant or a child is sick (and they will be, often)?

Like others here, I suspect the reason you are suffering from an anxiety disorder is because you have been trying to dismiss his behaviours and frame them as your fault. I’d recommend continuing with therapy to explore self-esteem issues and, as a result, why you have stayed with this man for 8 years.

quisensoucie · 27/12/2023 07:07

Re-read your post @Busybee91 .
Do you think marrying such a bloke is something you would encourage your sister or daughter to do?
You have made your bed complete with fluffy cushions with this charmer

oakleaffy · 27/12/2023 07:08

SEG152 · 26/12/2023 21:35

Children make a relationship (and life) harder, more stressful and strained. If you dislike things he does now, a child isn’t going to make them better. If anything you’ll resent him more. Do not have children with a man you already are questioning. Move on and find someone you actually like.

This 💯 percent.
So many marriages founder after children- and he sounds awful already.
Selfish and self absorbed.

Only consider a child with this man if you are 100 percent ok with being a single parent.

Any decent man on honeymoon would care for his poorly wife!
What an arse he sounds.

autienotnaughty · 27/12/2023 07:10

He doesn't take care of you when you are ill. He doesn't do things you want to do. He refuses to change his life if you have kids.

If you do have kids with this man you will be the one whose life changes completely, you will do the majority of the parenting. Imagine having that stomach bug and looking after a two year old and a baby while your husband is at the footy. Imagine trying to work while being the only parent who takes time off when their child is ill (and kids get ill alot) . This frustration you feel now will intensify when you have shared responsibilities. Honestly you will save yourself a lot of grief if you walk away now.

PurpleFlower1983 · 27/12/2023 07:13

Personally I think you were silly to marry him but that can be undone relatively simply. As for having kids? No way! Kids are amazing but hard work and any cracks in your relationship will only widen! My husband is amazing as a husband and dad but it’s still hard work and we definitely bicker more then we used to die to tiredness etc.

PurpleFlower1983 · 27/12/2023 07:13

*due

oakleaffy · 27/12/2023 07:16

@Busybee91 Walk away now.

Find a decent loving man to have a family with.

Norberta · 27/12/2023 07:27

This man will be a nightmare father to try to co-parent with. Run for the hills!

coffeestrongblacknosugar · 27/12/2023 07:29

you deserve better! Get out and away from this child now. Do not have children with him.

But you won't, you will stay, you will have children and you will then wonder why you are miserable and a slave. You have been told by many to run far.

TyrannasaurusJex · 27/12/2023 07:29

I'm sorry, what the fuck does being a "man's man" have to do with going to the theatre???

PBandJ111 · 27/12/2023 07:30

you deserve better! Get out and away from this child now. Do not have children with him.
^^
But you won't, you will stay, you will have children and you will then wonder why you are miserable and a slave. You have been told by many to run far.

repeated this post as it feels like it’s spot on

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 27/12/2023 07:32

You spent 8 years with this man learning that he was a selfish, lazy, self centred piece of work and decided yes, I want to be legally tied to him?

If you feel like this about him, leave before you get MORE tied to him, forever, by children. Better trying for kids later in life, or no kids, than having them with someone who can't even offer you a glass of water when you're sick...on your honeymoon when it's supposed to be all about how much you love each other!!

RaspberriesUpside · 27/12/2023 07:36

‘I think he would be a good dad’

What makes you think this?

RaspberriesUpside · 27/12/2023 07:36

You will be solo-parenting in the marriage and the resentment and anger will build. Do not procreate with this lazy and selfish idiot.

AlbatrosStrike · 27/12/2023 07:40

It’s difficult to get a balanced view as you’ve said he has good points but not mentioned them. However, his behaviour on your honeymoon is a major red flag. This is not a man who’s with you ‘in sickness’. How are you going to manage when you’re pregnant or after giving birth? Is he going to be more empathetic when his child is unwell or equally cold and disinterested? You were unwell and he acted like you were inconveniencing him. I can’t imagine my husband doing that, or any remotely caring person tbh.

The lateness is annoying and disrespectful but could be managed if that was the only problem. The theatre is a non-issue as long as he doesn’t force you to go to concerts with him.