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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unhappy newlywed

202 replies

Busybee91 · 26/12/2023 21:30

I have been with my husband 8 years and we married this year. We've had a rocky time in my opinion and thinking about kids, but I'm not sure I want any with him. Although I'm nearly 33 and feel like time is pushing on.
I think he would be a good dad but my gosh, I find him so selfish and inconsiderate sometimes. It really worries me about having children together as I'm not sure he would pull his socks up.
It really grates on me, more so recently.
Just a few examples from recently...
Honeymoon I was sick, presumably with norovirus. He didn't seem to believe I was poorly and had an attitude of get up and get on with it when I physically couldn't get out of bed. When I did finally make an effort to go for food that evening , I felt so so poorly I nearly passed out and actually had the runs before making it back to our room 😳 he stayed in the restaurant and came back 10 mins later as I had to run out.
He sat at the pool all day and didn't offer any drinks or food, I had to message him and ask. The only time he messaged was to ask if I was coming down to the pool🤷‍♀️
The next day we had an excursion and he told me i would have to go reception at 8am to let them know if we could go as he wanted a lie in. Even though i still had the runs. I didn't go as I felt rotten and messaged the butler to cancel.
I didn't expect him to be at my bedside but at least offer to bring some food or drink surely.

Honeymoon there was a problem with the visa and he was worried we wouldn't get there. He refused to look at excursions or restaurants and plan our itinerary. I knew we would make it and he was worrying, so it put a real downer on the trip. He made no effort to look and I ended up doing it whilst we we doing the city break.
Other day I asked if we could go the theatre as I really fancy going and haven't been in years. It was an outright no. He's a bit of a man's man so I kind of get it but I have been to at least 10 concerts with him to see his favourite bands.
He's ALWAYS late , today we went to my parents for boxing day dinner. I said dinner will be ready around 230-3 so don't come any later than 3 as I was already there. He turns up at 320 when everyone was sat around the table. The dinner hadnt been given out by that point but my mum was stressing about where he was. I was absolutely furious and found it super disrespectful, especially to my parents. His point is, he was there 10 minutes by the time it was given out.
Other times where I've cooked our tea for whenever he's ready to come home, only for him to be an hour late without even telling me..he wanted to stay and watch some more footy.
I could go on and on.
We had a row about tonight once home and he's now gone out to his mums.
Of course , he has his good points . But I find it unbelievably difficult to talk to him as he gets super defensive and argumentative. Things turn into an argument and we won't talk for days or resolve anything.
I know it's not all him, I suffer with anxiety which I have started counselling for to try and help things.
Anybody else have this problem newly married or in general..or maybe it's just me being a nightmare wife 😬

OP posts:
ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 27/12/2023 08:53

Imagine the kind of values he would role model as a father. Selfish, doesn't care about how his wife feels, shows no care for others who are sick, only happy to do what he wants etc.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 27/12/2023 08:53

My dh was a man’s man, when I was ill he ran the house, woke me to take my antibiotics, bought me food and drink in bed & fed the cat/emptied litter trays. When I had noro after him he cleaned my diarrhoea off the bathroom carpet and washed my pyjamas.

When the cat was ill he slept in the spare room so the cat could have his half the bed with me.

Theres nothing effeminate about taking care of your wife when she’s poorly.

He's showing you who he is and he’s not going to care for you and a baby post partum. It would be a massive mistake to stay with someone like him.

Beautiful3 · 27/12/2023 08:57

He is not a good partner. Do not have children with him.

Viviennemary · 27/12/2023 08:59

He does sound awful but you sound a bit needy and like to be looked after and pampered. This man isn't going to do this. Why did you marry somebody like this.

maddening · 27/12/2023 08:59

Did you have anxiety 10 years ago?

Personally I say cut your losses and sack him off.

Hayliebells · 27/12/2023 09:01

You need to cut your losses now, he's horrid, and you're right, you definitely should not have children with him.

FlamingoQueen · 27/12/2023 09:06

I didn’t realise that a man’s man was unable to set foot inside a theatre!
This is never going to get any better - I would leave now whilst you can and there are no children involved.
But, you did give him a latest time of 3.00pm and he was there well before that!

Rightsraptor · 27/12/2023 09:18

I only read about a quarter of your post, OP, and this man was enraging me.

Never mind about all the 'why did you marry him?' questions - you did and now you have to get out of it. What's done is done but don't compound it with a baby. Do not under any circumstances have child with this man.

Imisscoffee2021 · 27/12/2023 09:19

I have a wonderful husband, very considerate and kind, to a fault. Almost pathologically so! We rarely argued in the 12 hears pre baby, prooer best pals and kindred spirits. When we had a baby we sniped and argued with eachother like never before! A baby won't galvanise a positive change, it makes relationships, even previously easy ones, much much harder. If he's a man's man in fact it sounds like it'll be left alot to you to sort the baby and that will make you feel so resentful and will make you incredibly sleep deprived. Sorry you're in this position, it's harder being at the cusp of wanting a child due in part to age too.

Byebaby · 27/12/2023 09:20

He sounds insufferable.

LifeonMarsnotVenus · 27/12/2023 09:21

FlamingoQueen · 27/12/2023 09:06

I didn’t realise that a man’s man was unable to set foot inside a theatre!
This is never going to get any better - I would leave now whilst you can and there are no children involved.
But, you did give him a latest time of 3.00pm and he was there well before that!

You’ve misread the OP.

I said dinner will be ready around 230-3 so don't come any later than 3 as I was already there. He turns up at 320 when everyone was sat around the table. The dinner hadnt been given out by that point but my mum was stressing about where he was.

She was already there and he couldn’t be arsed to get himself there by the deadline and didn’t give a fuck about inconveniencing her mum and other family members.

Halfemptyhalfling · 27/12/2023 09:26

Courts now have the starting point of 50:50 residency and no maintenance so you have to think about whether you would bu ok not seeing your children half the time. However if you split you could end up not having children at all so you need to think about priorities.

Although to be fair it seems that he could be too lazy to go for 50:50

Snowforabit · 27/12/2023 09:27

Run a mile from this guy he is not a decent human being 😕

Purplepinkfairy · 27/12/2023 09:31

Was this a arranged marriage.....you will have no life with him. You need to think carefully and make a plan to separate

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 27/12/2023 09:32

I don’t think you should have married him but it’s easy to get swept away thinking it will change things. You would be a fool to have children with him. He’s shown you who he is and it won’t get any better. What is going to change so that you don’t feel this way anymore? because he won’t change so slowly and slowly this will chip away at you and you will be full of regret for staying with him.

If it was me (and I’ve been there twice) I would start afresh and use this new year to move on without him. I used to post threads like this about my ex husband. 7 years later I’m single and never been happier.

NeedToChangeName · 27/12/2023 09:35

He won't change

And he wouldn't be a good father, based on traits you have described

Google sunk costs fallacy

And ignore unhelpful posts asking why you married him

Goatymum · 27/12/2023 09:38

My advice, get out now.
As PPs have said, it’ll only get worse with children. The stress of even having a ‘good’ baby (Ie one that sleeps, feeds ok) is still way up there, and it’s just bugger kids, bigger problems- right in to adulthood.
One thing I can say about muv dh is that he’s great when I’m ill & my health isn’t very good now - I have a few chronic conditions. However, I’m mainly talking about if I have a flare of one of them, and can’t get up or I have a virus, he’ll make dinner, bring water etc and I will do the same for him.

Strawberryjams · 27/12/2023 09:39

I’m sorry @Busybee91 but this isn’t new behaviour he sound like he’s always been self centred. Why did you go ahead and marry him? People like this don’t change and now it will be much harder to leave because it means you need to divorce him. Please don’t bring kids into this and get out you deserve better. You suggested counselling and he said no that says it all.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 27/12/2023 09:41

I've asked him in the last year about what we would do for childcare and he's said he's not changing anything about his work or football. After me asking, he will look after child on set days he's not at footy.

You’d be mad to have children with this man. He’s not father material. He’ll be a crap dad. He’ll resent everything he’s asked to do - he certainly won’t volunteer.

Emotionalsupportviper · 27/12/2023 09:44

Rocknrollstar · 26/12/2023 21:33

Why did you marry him?

I wondered exactly the same.

8 years is long enough to find out someone is a twat.

And I don't know why OP thinks he would be a good father. I wouldn't want a child with a man like this.

Mix56 · 27/12/2023 09:46

If you want a family DO NOT have one with him.
You would be doing all the work, all the running, all the cherishing.
he will be watching football & eating alone because He's hungry, or He's late, or He wants something else. ( because you will be run off you feet & anyway he doesn't give a shit about how you feel)
You know all this already,
Bin the Tosser

chewsandwhine · 27/12/2023 09:52

You made a mistake marrying him.

What an appalling toke model for you dc!
He’s a misoginist through and through.

Does he follow Andrew Tait by any chance ?

You should cut your losses and leave him.
If he wants joint custody of you dc he’ll have to cut back on the football.

MsRosley · 27/12/2023 09:52

Oh, he's a football cunt. They're the worst. Will constantly prioritise a sport over their wife and family, and feel entitled to do it.

TheRealLilyMunster · 27/12/2023 09:56

RantyAnty · 27/12/2023 03:36

Selfish men are never good fathers.

I wonder if you had a bit of sunk cost after being with him so long?
He's an arse, but an arse you know rather than having to start all over with someone else.

Better to be single though, than with a selfish arsehole.

Nonewclothes2024 · 27/12/2023 09:58

Bloody hell. Do not have kids with him. In fact I'd tell you to LTB.

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