Unhappy newlywed

[Busybee91]

I have been with my husband 8 years and we married this year. We've had a rocky time in my opinion and thinking about kids, but I'm not sure I want any with him. Although I'm nearly 33 and feel like time is pushing on.
I think he would be a good dad but my gosh, I find him so selfish and inconsiderate sometimes. It really worries me about having children together as I'm not sure he would pull his socks up.
It really grates on me, more so recently.
Just a few examples from recently...
Honeymoon I was sick, presumably with norovirus. He didn't seem to believe I was poorly and had an attitude of get up and get on with it when I physically couldn't get out of bed. When I did finally make an effort to go for food that evening , I felt so so poorly I nearly passed out and actually had the runs before making it back to our room 😳 he stayed in the restaurant and came back 10 mins later as I had to run out.
He sat at the pool all day and didn't offer any drinks or food, I had to message him and ask. The only time he messaged was to ask if I was coming down to the pool🤷‍♀️
The next day we had an excursion and he told me i would have to go reception at 8am to let them know if we could go as he wanted a lie in. Even though i still had the runs. I didn't go as I felt rotten and messaged the butler to cancel.
I didn't expect him to be at my bedside but at least offer to bring some food or drink surely.

Honeymoon there was a problem with the visa and he was worried we wouldn't get there. He refused to look at excursions or restaurants and plan our itinerary. I knew we would make it and he was worrying, so it put a real downer on the trip. He made no effort to look and I ended up doing it whilst we we doing the city break.
Other day I asked if we could go the theatre as I really fancy going and haven't been in years. It was an outright no. He's a bit of a man's man so I kind of get it but I have been to at least 10 concerts with him to see his favourite bands.
He's ALWAYS late , today we went to my parents for boxing day dinner. I said dinner will be ready around 230-3 so don't come any later than 3 as I was already there. He turns up at 320 when everyone was sat around the table. The dinner hadnt been given out by that point but my mum was stressing about where he was. I was absolutely furious and found it super disrespectful, especially to my parents. His point is, he was there 10 minutes by the time it was given out.
Other times where I've cooked our tea for whenever he's ready to come home, only for him to be an hour late without even telling me..he wanted to stay and watch some more footy.
I could go on and on.
We had a row about tonight once home and he's now gone out to his mums.
Of course , he has his good points . But I find it unbelievably difficult to talk to him as he gets super defensive and argumentative. Things turn into an argument and we won't talk for days or resolve anything.
I know it's not all him, I suffer with anxiety which I have started counselling for to try and help things.
Anybody else have this problem newly married or in general..or maybe it's just me being a nightmare wife 😬

You were ill on your honeymoon. Very ill. And he refused to help you. At all.

WTF would you even consider having children with this man? You will be left to do every single thing for them, turn your life upside down, do all the running/care/ logistics. he's even told you this by saying he won't change his life for them.

WTF would you even consider staying with someone who doesn't have your back? Imagine if you got long-term ill ... he would walk. You know he would. he would walk. Dumping you with all of it, children if you have them, everything.

I'd consult a good divorce lawyer and end the marriage.

HRTFT but have read all of your messages.

He has been very clear that he will not be and equal parent. Please, please don’t have children with this man. It’s really hard and these boards are filled with accounts by women who are exhausted and on their knees because the children’s father is not pulling their weight. It’s miserable. And once you have children you will be tied to him for life.

You need to decide whether you are happy to stay with a man that doesn’t respect you or care about you enough to even bring you water when you are ill. His main concern was his enjoyment of the holiday.

If you stay with him you are setting yourself up for a life of this.

If the marriage is only short there might be a possibility of annulment?

Definitely don't have children with this man. He sounds awful. Sort divorce out asap and get on with your life and meet someone nicer. Having children is so hard, and that it with a loving supportive partner. I can't imagine how hard it would be with a selfish inconsiderate one.

can we circle back to the visa. Is he the same nationality as you? I’m assuming you’re British - is he British too?

Sounds awful, and you know that sooner or later this relationship is going to end.

Let’s consider what might happen if you do have children. You’ll be doing all the hard work alone, and probably still needing to work because you definitely need to keep your pension going if you think you will be alone one day (or even if you don’t) or else you will be left in poverty in your old age.

I separated from my partner of 18 years when my children were 5 and 7. We were married, there was alcoholism (him) and DV and we currently don’t know where he is. CMS can do nothing if they can’t trace him through tax - he could be in hospital/prison/abroad/not paying stamp. He has disappeared owing us thousands. I like to think someone would tell us if he had actually dropped dead.

Ten years on we are a happy family unit of 3. Kids well balanced and doing well in school. Eldest aspiring to go to Uni. It hasn’t always been easy and I work my arse off. Can’t afford skiing holidays and driving lessons like some of their friends have but we do usually manage to have a holiday each year and they are clothed and adequately fed and we do cultural stuff together also. Off to ballet in London with DD today and really looking forward to it. Enjoy attending sports meetings with my son, and being their taxi is of course my absolute pleasure (ok, that bit is not entirely true).

Probably I didn’t do the right thing having children, but I’m glad I did. Yes, they will leave me to lead lives of their own. I will try to do the seemingly impossible and be a good MIL (😜), but I am also perfectly self sufficient with a pension, friends, hobbies and once they have left home I plan to capitalise on my equity and downsize to a comfortable flat in reach of amenities so as not to burden them in old age.

I’d do it all again in a heartbeat.

He sounds awful. I would leave him.

You've known him eight years. Has he always been like this? If so, marriage won't change him.

I'd leave him. He sounds fucking awful.

FGS, I wouldn't hire this jackass to petsit let alone select him as the sire of my children. You've wasted enough of your life on a selfish loser. Cut your losses.

And please don't get pregnant by him.

Absolutely this.

@Busybee91 , just for the record...you are not a nightmare wife! HE is a nightmare husband! I'm betting that your anxiety is wholly down to his behaviour towards you. I apologise, this will be a long post.

Please don't have kids with this guy. He's already shown you the type of man he is. He wouldn't even help you when you were ill on honeymoon FFS. He wouldn't get his arse over to your parents to be on time for a dinner. He has said that he won't change HIS life if you did have children together. He is showing you who he is, and he is not a good man or husband. What on earth makes you think he will be an attentive and good father?

Examples of good men/fathers that I know:
-My friend has a multiple long term chronic conditions. She has two kids, one with profound SEN. Her DH is a hands on parent, and will do whatever is needed in the home to ensure my friend is comfortable and the kids are looked after.

-My brother has two kids. Works FT (as does my SIL). He shares the mental load, the parenting, the housework and if SIL is not well, he will look after her and make sure everything is in order with the kids.

-another couple who I am v good friends with. Married, one child. Both work FT. Like the two above examples, the guy will prioritise the family. He steps up if his wife isn't well.

-my own father. Worked FT (often overseas). Mum was a SAHM. He stepped up when he was at home. He respected her. He never let us forget how important she was. If he wasn't about, due to work, he would pay for any extra help that she needed, so that she wouldn't be run off her feet. He was very old school, but he taught himself to cook/do housework so that it wasn't left to Mum. My parents are now deceased, but this is an example of a couple born in the 30's and 40's sharing the load, to show you it's not just a modern thing.

In these examples, all of these guys have "important, big" FT jobs. Apart from the example of my parents, all of the ladies have FT jobs too. All are parents. All of these guys have hobbies or sports that they play and attend, but not to the detriment of their families. The guys make sure that their wives each get equal time with hobbies/social events. The guys will parent their children, look after the home, prioritise time with their families etc - you know, normal things that normal decent guys/fathers will do. None of them would ever disrespect their wives or families by not bothering to show up on time because of football/their hobbies etc, or leaving their wives/families in the lurch just to please themselves. If either is held up or running late, they let each other know. They will step up if there's illness in the family.

Importantly, the kids see that their Dads are present, and will cook/clean/sort the house/share the mental load. They see that their Dads respect and love their Mums. They have excellent role models. Can you, hands on heart, say that your husband is like these guys? Can you say that if you were to have a child with him, that he would step up like these guys? Can you honestly say that you could rely on him?

Parenting is bloody hard work. You need a partner/spouse/co-parent who you absolutely trust, someone that you know you can depend on. Because if things are shit now (and from what I've read, they really are shit), then that will increase exponentially when you are a parent. My anxiety and stress levels were through the roof in the latter years of my marriage, due to my now XH's behaviour (and he wasn't like that when we got married - an accident and his subsequent alcoholism/drug addiction changed him from the wonderful man I met and married to a complete monster). Once we split and I divorced him, the anxiety/stress went (like @K4tM), despite me now being a FT single parent and working FT.

Honestly, I'd LTB. Get out while you can. Cut your losses and run. Don't fall for the sunken costs fallacy and don't be fretting about what friends/family might say about splitting up so soon after marrying him. He's shown you who he is, take heed. This is your life, and you only have one shot at it. Good luck x

There's been a few times where I've had enough and just stick at it. The engagement was pretty much we've paid all this money, everyone knows ..there's no going back.

There is a chance, now, to get out and start again.

Please take this chance and don't look back

🥰

You are probably going to stick with him, have babies even though everyone on MN is saying leave him. You will then spend the next few years moaning on here about how crap your life is and how your “DH” does nothing.

Or - you could end it now and live the life you deserve. You decide.

33 is the perfect age to reflect on the wisdom you've gained from this relationship, decide what you want from your forever partner, and start 2024 with a plan to go out and have fun and hopefully meet them at some point!

Don't believe that you're stuck for a moment. I left my perfectly nice enough husband in my mid thirties as it just wasn't the future I wanted for myself or a future child. Enjoyed some time for myself without anyone else's influence or judgement, had fun dating for a while and then met my new partner, settled down and had a child. It was absolutely the right thing to do to not get pregnant by my first husband.

Please don't settle when you already know it isn't right. The ball is on your court here.

Apologies - yes, I misread it. Sadly, that makes it even worse, then!

As others have noted, refusing to go to the theatre due to being a "man's man" is to me another big red flag. This detail alone paints a real picture. He sounds like a neanderthal.

The immigration lawyer was me trying to sort out his visa for our honeymoon

Ah, fair enough ... pity, though, that neither an immigration lawyer nor anyone else can do much about him being a cruel and misogynistic

That's a choice he's making, and yours is whether or not to continue living like this

I don't really pity you tbh.

It's easy to paint yourself as a victim but you had a good 8 years appraise him. It's taken 8 years to realise he's not fit for purpose??

This

OP..you have made one huge mistake
He won't change .better to cut the ties than hope things will change

He's a knob. Don't have children with him. Cut your losses. A husband should take care of his sick wife.

"he's said he's not changing anything about his work or football."

I think you need to think very long and very hard about what he said. I daresay he's the same way now, not being flexible if there is something you'd like to do together or a special occasion to be celebrated (for other than himself, of course).

He's living a 'bachelor lifestyle' and intends to continue doing so. This is pretty easy to deal with before children because we can be flexible too and can do things with our friends at the drop of a hat if we don't want to sit home on our own. And if we're ill, we can just plop in bed and ride it out on our own. But this 'easy breezy' life ends when you have children. And it comes to a screeching, brakes smoking halt if you have a partner who insists 'I'm not changing anything'. And you have one of those. He's not going to change one thing to carry his share of the load. And if he does 'babysit' his own children to give you a break he will expect undying gratitude and praise for it. But you'll still never hear the end of it.

If you want to spend the rest of your life being the 'primary parent' the vast majority of time, if you want to have to balance your life around him, if you want NO support in caring for your children or yourself when you are ill, then by all means have children with him. But I'll tell you now, you'd be a fool and if you do you'll be back on here complaining that he's out playing footy, working long hours, or at the pub whilst you are home on your knees after doing it all yourself, that you are ill and he's downstairs complaining about having to watch the DC, or going stir crazy because he won't watch the DC so you can have dinner with some friends.

I'll be blunt, don't say you haven't been warned.

OP seriously. Listen carefully.

I think my husband and I are each other’s soul mates. Honestly, we are. But having just ONE kid has completely changed our relationship and stressed it in ways I never thought possible. He has been a bit selfish sometimes at crucial points and that selfishness and the stress it put me under has played a part (among other things) in fairly serious mental health problems, from which I now suffer.

however, he is an ABSOLUTE PRINCE in comparison with how you describe your husband. Honestly.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN.

PLEASE.

OP READ THIS!!!!!!!

There doesn’t seem much love or respect in this marriage. You don’t really like him, it sounds as if you just fell into it because it was time. He doesn’t respect you or your family .
Why did you think he would suddenly change ?
Cut your losses this marriage doesn’t sound as if it will make either of you happy

He sounds deeply unpleasant. Get rid