Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unhappy newlywed

202 replies

Busybee91 · 26/12/2023 21:30

I have been with my husband 8 years and we married this year. We've had a rocky time in my opinion and thinking about kids, but I'm not sure I want any with him. Although I'm nearly 33 and feel like time is pushing on.
I think he would be a good dad but my gosh, I find him so selfish and inconsiderate sometimes. It really worries me about having children together as I'm not sure he would pull his socks up.
It really grates on me, more so recently.
Just a few examples from recently...
Honeymoon I was sick, presumably with norovirus. He didn't seem to believe I was poorly and had an attitude of get up and get on with it when I physically couldn't get out of bed. When I did finally make an effort to go for food that evening , I felt so so poorly I nearly passed out and actually had the runs before making it back to our room 😳 he stayed in the restaurant and came back 10 mins later as I had to run out.
He sat at the pool all day and didn't offer any drinks or food, I had to message him and ask. The only time he messaged was to ask if I was coming down to the pool🤷‍♀️
The next day we had an excursion and he told me i would have to go reception at 8am to let them know if we could go as he wanted a lie in. Even though i still had the runs. I didn't go as I felt rotten and messaged the butler to cancel.
I didn't expect him to be at my bedside but at least offer to bring some food or drink surely.

Honeymoon there was a problem with the visa and he was worried we wouldn't get there. He refused to look at excursions or restaurants and plan our itinerary. I knew we would make it and he was worrying, so it put a real downer on the trip. He made no effort to look and I ended up doing it whilst we we doing the city break.
Other day I asked if we could go the theatre as I really fancy going and haven't been in years. It was an outright no. He's a bit of a man's man so I kind of get it but I have been to at least 10 concerts with him to see his favourite bands.
He's ALWAYS late , today we went to my parents for boxing day dinner. I said dinner will be ready around 230-3 so don't come any later than 3 as I was already there. He turns up at 320 when everyone was sat around the table. The dinner hadnt been given out by that point but my mum was stressing about where he was. I was absolutely furious and found it super disrespectful, especially to my parents. His point is, he was there 10 minutes by the time it was given out.
Other times where I've cooked our tea for whenever he's ready to come home, only for him to be an hour late without even telling me..he wanted to stay and watch some more footy.
I could go on and on.
We had a row about tonight once home and he's now gone out to his mums.
Of course , he has his good points . But I find it unbelievably difficult to talk to him as he gets super defensive and argumentative. Things turn into an argument and we won't talk for days or resolve anything.
I know it's not all him, I suffer with anxiety which I have started counselling for to try and help things.
Anybody else have this problem newly married or in general..or maybe it's just me being a nightmare wife 😬

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2023 07:44

Until you have a child, it is hard to appreciate the level at which they change your life. It really turns it upside down and it will be incredibly hard with a selfish man.

ChristmasSugarplumFairy · 27/12/2023 07:46

Please don't saddle an innocent child with this for a father.
I'm sorry you're married to this but that can be sorted out. The kids would be stuck with him forever.

LaahDeeDah · 27/12/2023 07:46

" he's said he's not changing anything about his work or football.*

Please don't have children with this man

TookTheBook · 27/12/2023 07:53

Leave now while you have time to have children with someone else.

CrunchyCarrot · 27/12/2023 08:16

OP there are many, many posts on MN concerning men who are selfish and don't pull their weight when children come along (or indeed, are poor at doing that beforehand). Your DH will be yet another, sadly. I would not have children with him. Your DH is immature and can't even discuss problems rationally. Not good.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 27/12/2023 08:21

Why do you put up with his poor behaviour? He made you tea when you were ill but you had to ask for it. A supportive partner would check on you voluntarily and see you had enough meds, water, ask how you were feeling and is there anything they can do etc.

Do not have kids with this man.

Sadwren · 27/12/2023 08:23

33 is no age, go with your gut, it is telling you something. His appalling behaviour on honeymoon has really told you something valuable. Don’t grow old with the foreseeable regret you can already imagine.

Just1MoreMinute · 27/12/2023 08:26

he’s not a catch. He sounds like a selfish a**e.

Dishwashersaurous · 27/12/2023 08:27

Please don't have children with him.

In fact probably leave him.

You deserve to be happy.

And he is not going to make you happy.

wildwestpioneer · 27/12/2023 08:30

You're now married so he's officially 'trapped you' so he doesn't have to try anymore and the mask is slipping. Next step for him will be children so you will be even easier to control

User839516 · 27/12/2023 08:31

8 years, so age 25-33? So you’ve literally wasted almost all of your childbearing years with this idiot and then, when you’re nearing the end of your fertility, you marry him, and then start questioning if he would make a good father..? You know you only get one shot at this ‘life’ thing, right? Do you actually want kids? If so, you need to get this guy in the bin, pronto, and make a plan for how to start trying to make kids happen in the next 2-3 years.

SausageAndEggSandwich · 27/12/2023 08:31

No fucking wonder you have anxiety after being in an 8 year relationship with such an awful human being.

joelmillersbackpack · 27/12/2023 08:33

He’s shown you who he is, believe him!

Who you have your children with is the most important decision of your life. Have a child with this man and you’ll be buying yourself a life of inequality. If he have empathy with you having norovirus, he won’t cope with you having morning sickness or your child having flu. He’ll always have some reason about why other women can cope without the help of their partners, why it’s your fault that you can’t or won’t and why he shouldn’t have to step in.

Everything will be on your shoulders and I’d ask you to think deeply before you accept this as good enough.

Also remember that when you meet your child you’ll meet someone you love more than this oaf and your tolerance for his bs may get even lower. And if you aren’t in a great financial position you can easily end up in long term poverty if you split and have to set up alone with him paying token ‘maintenance’.

ChristmasPudding83 · 27/12/2023 08:34

I think if you’re in an unhappy relationship it can be really hard to believe there is anything better out there. I really struggled to leave an unhappy relationship with a selfish and, looking back, abusive man when I was in my late 20s. I felt really embarrassed about what my friends and family might think if I ‘failed’ in this relationship when other people I knew were getting married and starting to have children. And I thought I’d never meet anyone better. Well luckily I did leave him, spent 6 months having fun just dating and reading books about improving my self esteem and assertiveness and then met the man I am now married to. I’d never had a relationship that was so happy or respectful before and ten years later with two kids we are still just as happy. I think part of my problem was that my parents have a very argumentative relationship so I just grew up thinking that was normal and inevitable. Well it isn’t!! Believe that better is possible and work on your own self esteem. Lots of people I know are still having first babies at 39/40/41 - you have time.

rainbowstardrops · 27/12/2023 08:35

Well firstly, he sounds horrible and secondly, he's already told you he wouldn't be changing his work habits or his football if a baby came along! Do not have a baby with him!
I'd be divorcing him before it's too late to meet someone decent and start a family with them.

redboxer321 · 27/12/2023 08:37

I think he would be a good dad

You think wrong, OP

Limer · 27/12/2023 08:39

The engagement was pretty much we've paid all this money, everyone knows ..there's no going back. It's too late for OP, but anyone else reading this - better a broken engagement and a bit of minor embarrassment/lost deposit than an unhappy marriage and an awkward/expensive/nasty/lengthy divorce.

Purplewarrior · 27/12/2023 08:40

Google Sunk Cost Fallacy.

You can divorce him after you have been married for a year. Don’t put it off if you want children. You obviously can’t have them with this selfish wanker.

LifeonMarsnotVenus · 27/12/2023 08:42

You’re only 32 yrs old!! Why the hell did you marry this selfish idiot?

You’re still young (and very naive) and you need to stop thinking that he’s ok really, if you ignore all his bad points. You made a mistake when you got together 8 yrs ago but you don’t have to keep repeating it daily.

Wake up and realise that this is your ONLY chance at a good life. Start putting your needs first and leave this selfish bastard. A man that can’t even look after you when you’re ill on your actual honeymoon (!!!) won’t suddenly improve when you have children. He’s already made this crystal clear.

There’s no such thing as ‘a man’s man’. That’s just a lazy bloke’s ‘get out of jail free’ card. Plenty of decent sports mad men can still put their wife and children first.

A loving partnership is where you cherish and support each other equally. Not where one person habitually puts their needs first.

I left a cheater when I was mid thirties and childless even though I thought I’d never meet anyone decent. I met my wonderful DH 2 years later and we have 3 kids and we’re very happy together. He cares for me and he’s the textbook definition of a brilliant dad. You too can have a great life if you start again.

LovelyDaaling · 27/12/2023 08:43

You should never have married him, he's not the one for you. Did you settle for him as better than no partner at all? Don't go further into the mire by having children.

At least he's being perfectly honest with you and saying he won't be changing his way of life.

Notsurehwhattdo · 27/12/2023 08:45

LTB

LovelyDaaling · 27/12/2023 08:46

I just want to add, I broke off an engagement, it's not particularly embarrassing. I regarded it as a sign of strength to admit a mistake. The sense of relief was enormous.

SOxon · 27/12/2023 08:47

Limer · 27/12/2023 08:39

The engagement was pretty much we've paid all this money, everyone knows ..there's no going back. It's too late for OP, but anyone else reading this - better a broken engagement and a bit of minor embarrassment/lost deposit than an unhappy marriage and an awkward/expensive/nasty/lengthy divorce.

exactly ! this gave me a flash of Charles and Diana… if only…

OP it isn’t really a marriage is it?
husband is unhappy too, so no do not have children with this man!

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 27/12/2023 08:50

He sounds absolutely awful. You would be INSANE to have children with this man. You would be much better off ditching him now.

Happyme2024 · 27/12/2023 08:52

It sounds as if he doesn't even like you. I wonder what would happen to your anxiety if you left him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread