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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Unhappy newlywed

202 replies

Busybee91 · 26/12/2023 21:30

I have been with my husband 8 years and we married this year. We've had a rocky time in my opinion and thinking about kids, but I'm not sure I want any with him. Although I'm nearly 33 and feel like time is pushing on.
I think he would be a good dad but my gosh, I find him so selfish and inconsiderate sometimes. It really worries me about having children together as I'm not sure he would pull his socks up.
It really grates on me, more so recently.
Just a few examples from recently...
Honeymoon I was sick, presumably with norovirus. He didn't seem to believe I was poorly and had an attitude of get up and get on with it when I physically couldn't get out of bed. When I did finally make an effort to go for food that evening , I felt so so poorly I nearly passed out and actually had the runs before making it back to our room 😳 he stayed in the restaurant and came back 10 mins later as I had to run out.
He sat at the pool all day and didn't offer any drinks or food, I had to message him and ask. The only time he messaged was to ask if I was coming down to the pool🤷‍♀️
The next day we had an excursion and he told me i would have to go reception at 8am to let them know if we could go as he wanted a lie in. Even though i still had the runs. I didn't go as I felt rotten and messaged the butler to cancel.
I didn't expect him to be at my bedside but at least offer to bring some food or drink surely.

Honeymoon there was a problem with the visa and he was worried we wouldn't get there. He refused to look at excursions or restaurants and plan our itinerary. I knew we would make it and he was worrying, so it put a real downer on the trip. He made no effort to look and I ended up doing it whilst we we doing the city break.
Other day I asked if we could go the theatre as I really fancy going and haven't been in years. It was an outright no. He's a bit of a man's man so I kind of get it but I have been to at least 10 concerts with him to see his favourite bands.
He's ALWAYS late , today we went to my parents for boxing day dinner. I said dinner will be ready around 230-3 so don't come any later than 3 as I was already there. He turns up at 320 when everyone was sat around the table. The dinner hadnt been given out by that point but my mum was stressing about where he was. I was absolutely furious and found it super disrespectful, especially to my parents. His point is, he was there 10 minutes by the time it was given out.
Other times where I've cooked our tea for whenever he's ready to come home, only for him to be an hour late without even telling me..he wanted to stay and watch some more footy.
I could go on and on.
We had a row about tonight once home and he's now gone out to his mums.
Of course , he has his good points . But I find it unbelievably difficult to talk to him as he gets super defensive and argumentative. Things turn into an argument and we won't talk for days or resolve anything.
I know it's not all him, I suffer with anxiety which I have started counselling for to try and help things.
Anybody else have this problem newly married or in general..or maybe it's just me being a nightmare wife 😬

OP posts:
ArchetypalBusyMum · 26/12/2023 22:13

All sounds pretty miserable all round to be honest.

TinselTitts · 26/12/2023 22:15

iLovee · 26/12/2023 22:01

The immigration lawyer makes me worry he is using you for a visa. Get rid babe, you are worth so much more!!@Busybee91

It's certainly what the OP is hinting at.

TomatoSandwiches · 26/12/2023 22:15

Imagine yourself being ill like that again but this time with a baby and or toddler that's vomiting and pooing everywhere as well and your husband waltzes out of the house and leaves you to it because he doesn't care about who looks after the baby so long as it isn't him.

Imagine that and him getting shitty with you because you're too tired to service his dick a few days after.

Imagine that cycle happening in many different variations for years and years and years....

Do you still want to have a child with this man?

CreationNat1on · 26/12/2023 22:19

Don't have children with him.

What are his family like?
How do they all treat each other?
How do they make you feel?

If they are in any way rude to you or make you feel uncomfortable, that's a big red flag.

He is lazy, self absorbed, he won't pull his weight parenting.

Value yourself. You are young enough to find someone else.

kiwiaddict · 26/12/2023 22:27

7 year itch. You married at the natural conclusion of your relationship instead of breaking up

thelengthspeoplegoto · 26/12/2023 22:28

Having kids is hard work. Seriously, if you want to have a happy family life you need to be a team. It can be tough at times.
Don't ignore your instincts.

Olika · 26/12/2023 22:30

I am struggling to understand why you married him in the first place.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/12/2023 22:31

The immigration lawyer makes me worry he is using you for a visa

I wondered the same ... it would certainly explain why he was happy to get married but then treats OP as if she doesn't matter

FlyingCherub · 26/12/2023 22:32

It sounds like he doesn't like you very much, tbh...

ClottedCreamScone · 26/12/2023 22:34

He sounds like an arsehole. If you have children with him you will have no help or support and he will let you down constantly.

You’re only 33 - don’t waste more years on this man.

RedDoughnut · 26/12/2023 22:40

Why do you need an immigration lawyer?

How did you two meet?

He doesn't sound like he's your friend never mind husband

JurassicParkaha · 26/12/2023 22:42

It doesn't sound like he loves you or even likes you! But like marriage is a convenience for him and when it benefits him he'll be nice. Your gut is telling you not to have kids with him for a reason - listen to it.

I divorced my ex after a year because he was awful when I was seriously unwell and needed surgery. Best decision I made as nothing made me feel lonelier than being with someone who neglected and ignored me. A lifetime with him would have broken me, and the same will happen if you stay on with your H. Couples counselling is to fix issues like communication, conflict etc, not teach someone to love and care for you (a year into marriage).

LondonGrey · 26/12/2023 22:46

god MN at its best 🙄quit with the vitriol please it’s not helping the OP
she married him and has her reasons and clearly now regrets it
if you haven’t got anything constructive to say OP doesn’t need to be questioned about it that’s not why she posted.

hun I would absolutely leave him
he’s an arsehole and it’ll only get worse
he’s a shit

Hankunamatata · 26/12/2023 22:48

From your description I'd file for divorce ASAP and move on. Life too short to be treated that way

Haveyouanyjam · 26/12/2023 22:48

Absolutely do not have children with him. You are 33 there is still time for children and better to wait and see whether you meet someone else or want to just focus on life yourself than have children with someone who doesn’t have any inclination to care for you when you need them.

Sid077 · 26/12/2023 22:48

He sounds awful, there’s no getting away from that. He seems very selfish and immature I would not be planning children with this person. I would ask him to go to counselling again and explain the relationship is on the line, if he goes and commits to it I would give some time to see improvement and if things don’t change there’s no reason for you to stay. Good luck.

MyopicBunny · 26/12/2023 22:49

He sounds awful. Please don't have children with him.

Popcorn23 · 26/12/2023 22:51

This is a really sensible comment. If the man has shown that he can't look after you when you are ill, he is unlikely to care for you when you are pregnant or if you need to rely on him after the birth of any children (if you have a c section for example). He is also less likely to look after any children that are ill.

I can't get my head round the fact that he didn't bring you food when you were ill! I don't know anyone that unkind.

GreatGateauxsby · 26/12/2023 22:59

DO NOT BREED WITH THIS MAN.

IDEALLY DON’T STAY MARRIED EITHER.

BUT 100% DO NOT BREED WITH THIS MAN. He will not be a good husband or father.

zeddip · 26/12/2023 23:00

This is a man who will go to the pub instead of helping you with bath time. He'll fuck off and see his friends to get out of being around the kids. He'll sit on his selfish uncaring ass whilst you run around looking after everything. He'll refuse to do anything he doesn't want to do even if it wouldn't be much effort for him and would make you happy, he just won't do it because he doesn't want to. I have dated and been friends with this type of person and they don't change.

I would leave for sure. Caring,helpful and brilliant men do exist and I know that for sure because I'm married to one. Go find yours!!

Snowdogsmitten · 26/12/2023 23:05

Other day I asked if we could go the theatre as I really fancy going and haven't been in years. It was an outright no. He's a bit of a man's man so I kind of get it

He’s a total prick.

Oooolala · 26/12/2023 23:10

Unhappy newly wed. Maybe change this to happy divorcee? What the fuck is wrong with some guys? He needs to be treating you like a princess. Don't have kids with him. Please.

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 26/12/2023 23:10

Oh my. Don't have children with this man. Uncaring and cold. Why would you want that as your life partner?
Leave op

chewsandwhine · 26/12/2023 23:19

Why did you marry him op?
Has he changed since the marriage ?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 26/12/2023 23:27

He treats you with contempt and counselling can't change that
I do wonder if there's a hidden agenda as you mentioned an immigration lawyer but I don't see you have a happy marriage, so have a happy divorce instead.
I'm serious. File now and a short marriage will be over and done with