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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unhappy newlywed

202 replies

Busybee91 · 26/12/2023 21:30

I have been with my husband 8 years and we married this year. We've had a rocky time in my opinion and thinking about kids, but I'm not sure I want any with him. Although I'm nearly 33 and feel like time is pushing on.
I think he would be a good dad but my gosh, I find him so selfish and inconsiderate sometimes. It really worries me about having children together as I'm not sure he would pull his socks up.
It really grates on me, more so recently.
Just a few examples from recently...
Honeymoon I was sick, presumably with norovirus. He didn't seem to believe I was poorly and had an attitude of get up and get on with it when I physically couldn't get out of bed. When I did finally make an effort to go for food that evening , I felt so so poorly I nearly passed out and actually had the runs before making it back to our room 😳 he stayed in the restaurant and came back 10 mins later as I had to run out.
He sat at the pool all day and didn't offer any drinks or food, I had to message him and ask. The only time he messaged was to ask if I was coming down to the pool🤷‍♀️
The next day we had an excursion and he told me i would have to go reception at 8am to let them know if we could go as he wanted a lie in. Even though i still had the runs. I didn't go as I felt rotten and messaged the butler to cancel.
I didn't expect him to be at my bedside but at least offer to bring some food or drink surely.

Honeymoon there was a problem with the visa and he was worried we wouldn't get there. He refused to look at excursions or restaurants and plan our itinerary. I knew we would make it and he was worrying, so it put a real downer on the trip. He made no effort to look and I ended up doing it whilst we we doing the city break.
Other day I asked if we could go the theatre as I really fancy going and haven't been in years. It was an outright no. He's a bit of a man's man so I kind of get it but I have been to at least 10 concerts with him to see his favourite bands.
He's ALWAYS late , today we went to my parents for boxing day dinner. I said dinner will be ready around 230-3 so don't come any later than 3 as I was already there. He turns up at 320 when everyone was sat around the table. The dinner hadnt been given out by that point but my mum was stressing about where he was. I was absolutely furious and found it super disrespectful, especially to my parents. His point is, he was there 10 minutes by the time it was given out.
Other times where I've cooked our tea for whenever he's ready to come home, only for him to be an hour late without even telling me..he wanted to stay and watch some more footy.
I could go on and on.
We had a row about tonight once home and he's now gone out to his mums.
Of course , he has his good points . But I find it unbelievably difficult to talk to him as he gets super defensive and argumentative. Things turn into an argument and we won't talk for days or resolve anything.
I know it's not all him, I suffer with anxiety which I have started counselling for to try and help things.
Anybody else have this problem newly married or in general..or maybe it's just me being a nightmare wife 😬

OP posts:
Wateroverwine · 27/12/2023 01:43

Unlike having kids you can undo marriage and never hear from the person again

yhk · 27/12/2023 01:44

I'm not trying to sound like husband of the year here, but I just got back from taking my sick pregnant wife to an out of hours GP appointment 15 miles away. I have to be up for work in 5 hours.

Why? Because I love her and her wellbeing is the most important thing to me. I know that she would do the same thing for me.

You have married an absolute wrong'un.

@Busybee91 could you explain the visa and need for an immigration solicitor?

Puffalicious · 27/12/2023 01:46

I predict that your anxiety will get a good deal better once you get away from this excuse for a husband.

HoppingPavlova · 27/12/2023 01:58

@Busybee91 Surely he was like this before you decided to get married? Or, was he fine beforehand and has changed these behaviours upon getting married? Irrespective, get rid, he sounds like a dick and incompatible with having kids if you want this.

LateAF · 27/12/2023 02:03

My friend divorced her husband 6 months after the wedding because he showed a similar contempt to her when she was ill. We all understood despite spending a lot of money on the wedding.

People show who they truly are by how they treat others when that other person is weak. He’s showing you who he is, and telling you he refuses to change (I.e not considering counselling, refusing to discuss the problems). Please listen to him and get rid.

snackprovidersupreme · 27/12/2023 02:12

newly wed should be a high point... so it's only getting worse from here. Normally I think MN is too fast to suggest leaving, but you are too young to waste your life on this man. Don't let him think it's your anxiety - being so disrespectful to your family and unkind when you are sick are red flags.

Having children is so much nicer if DH is supportive. And children pressurise the best relationships.

I don't understand the visa issue either!!

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/12/2023 02:15

Get rid now.

AGoingConcern · 27/12/2023 02:15

I'm honestly stunned that you're even considering having kids with this man.

Parenting requires an incredible amount of teamwork, sacrifice, empathy, and work for decades. What are you envisioning when you take a family trip? Or when you get sick on Christmas and now there are kids keyed up for the holiday and a to-do list a mile long? Or evenings when a tired kid is melting down but you need to work together to manage family dinner, prep for the next day, bedtime and cleanup?

Adding children will make this situation so much worse.

Original poster
Busybee91 · 27/12/2023 02:56

Sorry guys, I've caused confusion with the visa. Someone further up the thread mentioned i may have set the tone not being supportive about getting to our honeymoon destination. We needed a visa to go on honeymoon but there was an issue with his where he might not get in the country. He was super stressed about it and I tried my best to help but I couldn't take the problem away. It was completely out of our control and I wanted him to try and forget it but he couldn't (understably) but it really impacted the honeymoon. I knew we would get to our destination but he couldn't rest until we qwre there. Half of the honeymoon was NYC and he wouldn't talk about the itinerary, I had to sort it whilst we were there. It would have been nice to have it all planned so we could cram it all in properly. The immigration lawyer was me trying to sort out his visa for our honeymoon, as I believed we would get in and wanted a lawyer to tell him it would be ok. I would have paid half but he didn't want to.

As for marrying him, it's not been all bad and I'm not perfect. My anxiety definitely doesn't help and I'm trying to get a hold of it.
Previously had PMS issues which were a real problem but that's sorted with taking the pill continuously.
I do worry about the kids thing though because I don't believe he would be supportive. As someone said above, it is like an inconvenience being ill which would be a real worry after a baby.

OP posts:
lovinglaughingliving · 27/12/2023 03:01

Busybee91 · 27/12/2023 02:56

Sorry guys, I've caused confusion with the visa. Someone further up the thread mentioned i may have set the tone not being supportive about getting to our honeymoon destination. We needed a visa to go on honeymoon but there was an issue with his where he might not get in the country. He was super stressed about it and I tried my best to help but I couldn't take the problem away. It was completely out of our control and I wanted him to try and forget it but he couldn't (understably) but it really impacted the honeymoon. I knew we would get to our destination but he couldn't rest until we qwre there. Half of the honeymoon was NYC and he wouldn't talk about the itinerary, I had to sort it whilst we were there. It would have been nice to have it all planned so we could cram it all in properly. The immigration lawyer was me trying to sort out his visa for our honeymoon, as I believed we would get in and wanted a lawyer to tell him it would be ok. I would have paid half but he didn't want to.

As for marrying him, it's not been all bad and I'm not perfect. My anxiety definitely doesn't help and I'm trying to get a hold of it.
Previously had PMS issues which were a real problem but that's sorted with taking the pill continuously.
I do worry about the kids thing though because I don't believe he would be supportive. As someone said above, it is like an inconvenience being ill which would be a real worry after a baby.

It's nothing really to do with the visa!
It's to do with his behaviour generally... was he always like this?!

Original poster
Busybee91 · 27/12/2023 03:10

He's always been a bit selfish yea. Like I've asked him in the last year about what we would do for childcare and he's said he's not changing anything about his work or football. After me asking, he will look after child on set days he's not at footy.
When I've been ill in the past he has made the tea if I ask him to. the honeymoon was a shock for me when I was poorly as I didn't think he would be like that. I genuinely think he thought I was lying for some bizarre reason. I said to him at the time, do you honestly think I would choose to lie in bed on my honeymoon for 24 hours. I'm a busy person and don't stop moving which he points out, so I don't get why he thinks I would want to lie in bed all day.
There's been a few times where I've had enough and just stick at it. The engagement was pretty much we've paid all this money, everyone knows ..there's no going back.

OP posts:
DC1888 · 27/12/2023 03:12

"He's a bit of a man's man so I kind of get it"

That's no excuse to be a selfish, self centred gobshite. You can be a "man's man" and accompany your wife to something she is really interested in, ie. showing consideration for your partner (like you have done with the concerts).

Consider yourself lucky you have come to this realisation of who he is when you did OP. None of this is connected to your anxiety btw (something I have also) so that's an unrelated issue. It's who he is that's the problem here. It's obviously your call here but you deserve to be with someone who makes you happy. Otherwise what's the point?

Dawndayda · 27/12/2023 03:17

I always knew the importance of choosing to have children with someone who will be a good father, but it didn't really hit me just how important it is to have children with someone who is a strong partner until actually having children. It may seem so stupid not to have recognised the extent to which that matters before, because it seems so obvious, I knew in theory but didnt truly know in practice until having kids. Every little flaw in your partnership and relationship is amplified when you have children. Problems you didn't know existed start to crop up. Do not have children with this guy when you are already seeing the problems that you are, those things will all become 20x worse after children.

Ibizafun · 27/12/2023 03:19

I had children with one like this. I'm long divorced you are setting yourself and your children up for a miserable life.

Spencer0220 · 27/12/2023 03:26

Busybee91 · 27/12/2023 03:10

He's always been a bit selfish yea. Like I've asked him in the last year about what we would do for childcare and he's said he's not changing anything about his work or football. After me asking, he will look after child on set days he's not at footy.
When I've been ill in the past he has made the tea if I ask him to. the honeymoon was a shock for me when I was poorly as I didn't think he would be like that. I genuinely think he thought I was lying for some bizarre reason. I said to him at the time, do you honestly think I would choose to lie in bed on my honeymoon for 24 hours. I'm a busy person and don't stop moving which he points out, so I don't get why he thinks I would want to lie in bed all day.
There's been a few times where I've had enough and just stick at it. The engagement was pretty much we've paid all this money, everyone knows ..there's no going back.

Of course there's going back. You literally could have called the wedding off. Even if people weren't happy, it's not their marriage or life

RantyAnty · 27/12/2023 03:36

Selfish men are never good fathers.

I wonder if you had a bit of sunk cost after being with him so long?
He's an arse, but an arse you know rather than having to start all over with someone else.

DC1888 · 27/12/2023 03:46

What's done is done, the marraige ceremony has happened (and yes OP you had every right to bin it off beforehand regardless of what money was spent, money is disposable, your feelings are not).. but as a previous poster mentioned a woman got a divorce after six months when she faced the reality of who she had married. That's a wise individual right there. There's making a mistake (who on this planet hasn't?) but then there's compounding a mistake by taking no action/not rectifying it.

The one trait he has in spades is selfishness. That's irredeemable. Normally I'd say "work through this", "talk to each other" etc. but that doesn't apply here. You are in control of your life OP, don't be a passenger in it.

Fraaahnces · 27/12/2023 03:47

Man child. Don’t have kids with him. Send him home to his mummy.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2023 03:53

Busybee91 · 27/12/2023 03:10

He's always been a bit selfish yea. Like I've asked him in the last year about what we would do for childcare and he's said he's not changing anything about his work or football. After me asking, he will look after child on set days he's not at footy.
When I've been ill in the past he has made the tea if I ask him to. the honeymoon was a shock for me when I was poorly as I didn't think he would be like that. I genuinely think he thought I was lying for some bizarre reason. I said to him at the time, do you honestly think I would choose to lie in bed on my honeymoon for 24 hours. I'm a busy person and don't stop moving which he points out, so I don't get why he thinks I would want to lie in bed all day.
There's been a few times where I've had enough and just stick at it. The engagement was pretty much we've paid all this money, everyone knows ..there's no going back.

So you married him because of the sunk cost fallacy. You definitely need to stop looking at it this way. The money is spent. The wedding went ahead. If you continue to dwell on what has been, of the financial and emotional investment, you will continue to stay married. If you think about what could be, you can let yourself off the hook and divorce him.

You do not want to have a child with this man. You’re setting yourself up for single parenthood or a very unfulfilled marriage with a poor choice of father even before procreating.

HoppingPavlova · 27/12/2023 03:55

Like I've asked him in the last year about what we would do for childcare and he's said he's not changing anything about his work or football. After me asking, he will look after child on set days he's not at footy

Obviously this is not reasonable - unless he is a professional player, and that’s how he earns his salary? If not, then, no, this would not work with kids. Based on that answer alone you shouldn’t have married him, but you did. So just end it now.

Fraaahnces · 27/12/2023 04:08

Guy in his 30’s thinking he’s going to be picked up to play premier league, so he’s far too busy and important to commit to the kids he wants with his new wife.
Deluded.
You need to look up all the meanings of the word “Partner” and see if they apply to this guy.

Seaitoverthere · 27/12/2023 04:10

There is no way I would have children with this man, you’d be setting yourself up for a miserable time.

Tadah2 · 27/12/2023 04:11

Not to be extreme, but imagine a worst case scenario that you have children and you get hit by a bus - would you want this man raising your children. As if you were to pass away, this is the man who would be solely responsible for raising your children, Grandparents etc have no access rights.

As PPs have said, children put strain on the most stable relationships. I would say mine was fairly stable, we were together 15 years before our first, happy and healthy. I sank into deep PND and felt unsupported. So I’d caution having children with anyone you aren’t 100% sure on

user1492757084 · 27/12/2023 04:32

Realistically you don't have to choose to have children with this man.

You can stay childless and together or leave and find another, less selfish, husband.

I see big problems with how disrespectful he is and I also see how you communicate poorly. You seem to require the bare minimum of him.
You should have asked him to be at your parents by 12 noon to help. You could have asked him to please bring you water and check on you each hour (and expected that he would do that).

I would not be waiting for him to get the point - I would spell out the point and if, after a reasonable time, he were still unable to decipher what was normal respectful cohabitation, I would dump him .... before becoming pregnant.

Curlygirli · 27/12/2023 04:44

Op please don’t have children with this man, as op have said he will not make a good dad. I had my DD with a man exactly like this, I remember when I had a kidney infection when DD was 6 months old, I was bed ridden and in agony. What did he do? He took DD to my mums so he could go out clubbing. Honestly the list of abusive and selfish things he did to us is a long one. I now have a kind, fun, “man’s man” husband who adores DD and we have DS together. He is an incredible father and we are a great team.

Please leave this man.