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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unhappy newlywed

202 replies

Busybee91 · 26/12/2023 21:30

I have been with my husband 8 years and we married this year. We've had a rocky time in my opinion and thinking about kids, but I'm not sure I want any with him. Although I'm nearly 33 and feel like time is pushing on.
I think he would be a good dad but my gosh, I find him so selfish and inconsiderate sometimes. It really worries me about having children together as I'm not sure he would pull his socks up.
It really grates on me, more so recently.
Just a few examples from recently...
Honeymoon I was sick, presumably with norovirus. He didn't seem to believe I was poorly and had an attitude of get up and get on with it when I physically couldn't get out of bed. When I did finally make an effort to go for food that evening , I felt so so poorly I nearly passed out and actually had the runs before making it back to our room 😳 he stayed in the restaurant and came back 10 mins later as I had to run out.
He sat at the pool all day and didn't offer any drinks or food, I had to message him and ask. The only time he messaged was to ask if I was coming down to the pool🤷‍♀️
The next day we had an excursion and he told me i would have to go reception at 8am to let them know if we could go as he wanted a lie in. Even though i still had the runs. I didn't go as I felt rotten and messaged the butler to cancel.
I didn't expect him to be at my bedside but at least offer to bring some food or drink surely.

Honeymoon there was a problem with the visa and he was worried we wouldn't get there. He refused to look at excursions or restaurants and plan our itinerary. I knew we would make it and he was worrying, so it put a real downer on the trip. He made no effort to look and I ended up doing it whilst we we doing the city break.
Other day I asked if we could go the theatre as I really fancy going and haven't been in years. It was an outright no. He's a bit of a man's man so I kind of get it but I have been to at least 10 concerts with him to see his favourite bands.
He's ALWAYS late , today we went to my parents for boxing day dinner. I said dinner will be ready around 230-3 so don't come any later than 3 as I was already there. He turns up at 320 when everyone was sat around the table. The dinner hadnt been given out by that point but my mum was stressing about where he was. I was absolutely furious and found it super disrespectful, especially to my parents. His point is, he was there 10 minutes by the time it was given out.
Other times where I've cooked our tea for whenever he's ready to come home, only for him to be an hour late without even telling me..he wanted to stay and watch some more footy.
I could go on and on.
We had a row about tonight once home and he's now gone out to his mums.
Of course , he has his good points . But I find it unbelievably difficult to talk to him as he gets super defensive and argumentative. Things turn into an argument and we won't talk for days or resolve anything.
I know it's not all him, I suffer with anxiety which I have started counselling for to try and help things.
Anybody else have this problem newly married or in general..or maybe it's just me being a nightmare wife 😬

OP posts:
Lorac23 · 26/12/2023 23:33

Why on earth did you marry him? Life isn't a Harlequin novel, people don't magically change their entire personality because of a ring and a certificate.

Whatever you do, don't get pregnant to this selfish creature. You mentioned an immigration lawyer, which one of you needed the visa, you or him? Is he the only bloke you've ever been with? Not all men are this bad, you so deserve someone better.

Unless you want the next 50 years or so of your life to be this miserable, I'd personally start looking at divorce options.

Canisaysomething · 26/12/2023 23:36

Draw a line under all of this now, end it and move on. Don’t dwell on why you married him or why you’ve been with him so long. Just know you are worth a lot more than what he has to offer.

Abitofalark · 26/12/2023 23:40

What does an immigration lawyer have to do with it? Apart from that he isn't a decent partner to you and you deserve better. It will only get worse if you have children with him or even if you stay married without children. It doesn't matter that you have anxiety - that doesn't excuse his callous behaviour when you are not well. He has been an utter pig to you. Better on your own than with a bad one.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/12/2023 23:40

@Busybee91

You had no inkling of any of this in the last 8 years? I'm seriously asking because I dated my exH for 2 years and he was gentle as a lamb. The minute he got a ring on my finger he turned abusive. It was as if marriage conveyed some sort of 'ownership' and the right to treat me as property. It took me 5 years to figure out I wasn't doing any thing 'wrong' and luckily no kids, but I finally got out.

If something has just snapped in you and you're seeing him as he really is, then you need to end the relationship. Don't be afraid or ashamed to say "I made a mistake". And whatever you do do NOT get pregnant. If you do you will be stuck with him in your life until one of you dies. Without kids, you can walk away and never have to see him again.

unsync · 26/12/2023 23:46

I don't understand why you married him or why you are still with him.

mrstea301 · 27/12/2023 00:00

What makes you think he'll be a good dad? He doesn't sound nice or caring at all - quite the opposite!

Birdcar · 27/12/2023 00:05

Raising kids is really, really hard. Raising kids with a man like this would be hellish.

Deathbyfluffy · 27/12/2023 00:08

YABU for marrying this idiot, sorry

Guavafish1 · 27/12/2023 00:10

He doesn't sound like a team player.

I wonder what issues you bring to the relationship

Luckyduc · 27/12/2023 00:13

You've set yourself up for a lifetime of this I'm afraid and it gets alot worse when you have children. And I mean ALOT WORSE. You will be sitting at 40 and looking back thinking "why did I think I was too old to leave or worry about kids' ...nearly everyone these days has kids after 35 and tons have them at 40. You've plenty time to meet someone else ....but I wouldn't waste anymore of your life with him. Sorry.

Harridge74 · 27/12/2023 00:16

It's not you. He sounds like a selfish anchor. Get rid.

Abbymom · 27/12/2023 00:26

I know others have asked thisand I genuinely don't get itwhy did you marry him??? Was he on his best behavior for the previous 8 years so that all of this is new behavior and he's letting down his hair now that you are married to each other? Divorce him before he can lay claim to your assets! It's better to get rid now and quickly--things won't get better, and assets, support etc might get more muddled the longer you are married.

MummyFriend · 27/12/2023 00:43

My ex was like this. I cannot stress this enough: it does NOT get better. In fact it got so much worse after having children.

Please do not stick around just because he has other good qualities, or is nice the rest of the time or whatever. I thought exactly the same. This is not going to get better. Don't get trapped. Get out as quickly as you can and move on before you throw anymore time away with this person who is going to make you miserable.

Butchyrestingface · 27/12/2023 00:54

Yeah, but why did you marry him?

Is he rich?

MyopicBunny · 27/12/2023 00:57

Guavafish1 · 27/12/2023 00:10

He doesn't sound like a team player.

I wonder what issues you bring to the relationship

How goady

MyopicBunny · 27/12/2023 00:57

Deathbyfluffy · 27/12/2023 00:08

YABU for marrying this idiot, sorry

Nice victim blaming

MyopicBunny · 27/12/2023 00:58

Popcorn23 · 26/12/2023 22:51

This is a really sensible comment. If the man has shown that he can't look after you when you are ill, he is unlikely to care for you when you are pregnant or if you need to rely on him after the birth of any children (if you have a c section for example). He is also less likely to look after any children that are ill.

I can't get my head round the fact that he didn't bring you food when you were ill! I don't know anyone that unkind.

Exactly this

SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2023 01:08

MyopicBunny · 27/12/2023 00:57

Nice victim blaming

Show quote history

That's a bit like saying "nice victim blaming" when you ask the mauled woman why she walked into the lions den having spent 7 years being bitten by him every time she went near him.

WilloTheWispy · 27/12/2023 01:08

@Busybee91
You are not a nightmare wife. It’s all him.
As PPs have said, I wouldn’t even contemplate children, as it will only be 100x harder. Doesn’t matter at all that you’ve only been married a short time. Better to cut your losses and run, now.

MyopicBunny · 27/12/2023 01:12

@SleepingStandingUp no it most certainly is not.

ChampionWorrier21 · 27/12/2023 01:16

Please don’t stay, let alone have kids with him. The lack of concern for you being ill is just horrid. I have a friend who is married to a man who she also has a child with, and who gets incredibly annoyed whenever she is ill as it inconveniences his life. It’s heartbreaking. All that’s going through his mind is “who will do the school run/make dinner/do laundry etc if you’re ill.”

You deserve someone who cares for you.
And the issues you’re having now will be magnified x1000 if you have children.

pinkfondu · 27/12/2023 01:19

I bet he is never late when it's something for him. He is a selfish person

RiderofRohan · 27/12/2023 01:35

And you think he'll be a good dad, why?

It's mind boggling that you were sick and he refused to take care of you. On your honeymoon! 'In sickness and in health' didn't last too long here.

I'm pregnant and have had a physically tough pregnancy with nausea, pelvic pain, fatigue, etc. Honestly don't know how I'd get through it if DH didn't wait on me hand and foot- I've still been super low at times, despite a very supportive husband. How on earth will you cope if, like many women, you have a rocky pregnancy?

And a man who can't be bothered to look after his sick wife in the honeymoon phase is definitely not going to be helping with 2 am feeds when baby gets here.

lovinglaughingliving · 27/12/2023 01:36

Can I ask if there is a cultural difference between you?
Is this totally new behaviour or has he been a total twat like this for the duration of your relationship?

flowerchild2000 · 27/12/2023 01:43

Imagine being pregnant and having issues, he wouldn't take care of you. It doesn't sound like he cares about you or anyone else at all. Would you want your kids to feel the way you do?

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