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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Having to do prayers on Christmas Day

560 replies

Fretfulmum · 25/12/2023 23:50

DH is Christian and he and his family are quite religious- goes to church weekly etc. I’m not Christian and I don’t attend church or do anything religious, I’m pretty much an atheist. We hosted DH’s parents and siblings and partners today. His parents wanted to do prayers before Christmas lunch. I told DH I’m not happy about having to do it but just let them get on with it whilst I sat there. In the evening, they wanted to do more. I’d had enough and I left the room without saying anything and let them crack on with it. Half way through the DC (toddlers) realised I wasn’t there and left the room to see where I was so they missed some of it. DH was so angry with me that I didn’t partake as it was a “whole family unit” thing and it disrespected his whole family? Apparently I ruined the day and now he’s sleeping in the spare room. AIBU that’s it my house and if I don’t want to do religious prayers that I sit out and go into another room ?

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 25/12/2023 23:54

I'm a bit in the fence.

It doesn't sound like anyone was asking you to join in, just sit quietly for a few mins while they got on with it.

But it should have been discussed beforehand.

jc12689 · 25/12/2023 23:56

It doesn't sound like a big deal to say a prayer (I'm not religious at all). Presumably you knew about your husband's religion before today? It's not much of a sacrifice for you to make really. It's not like your children are going to turn into Scientologists or anything.

LusaBatoosa · 25/12/2023 23:56

How long were these prayers? If we’re talking a couple of minutes, YABU - people praying in your presence won’t hurt you. If we’re talking long drawn out prayers, then YANBU. I’d also have left.

Original poster
Fretfulmum · 25/12/2023 23:57

@LusaBatoosa about 5 minutes

OP posts:
Pepperama · 25/12/2023 23:57

I think it’s totally ok to not actively participate but leaving the table / room is pretty drastic and rude. It’s a religious festival and saying a few prayers is an important part of it for many people.

Hiddenvoice · 26/12/2023 00:00

Sorry I think you’re being a little unreasonable, it’s an important religious holiday to them all. You didn’t need to participate, just sit. You could if discussed with your dh about going to another room before the prayers started as it comes off as rude to just up and leave during their prayers.

I know it’s your home but surely this isn’t the first Christmas with them and you’ve sat through their prayers before?

Doublerainbow23 · 26/12/2023 00:00

Yanbu. DH has no right to insist you are present for prayers. But what has been said about the DC? I'd not be happy with my DC being expected to join in with prayers, but presumably you've agreed with DH whether they are going to raised as Christian?

Hermittrismegistus · 26/12/2023 00:00

Christians want to say prayers during a Christian festival. Shock horror.

TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 00:02

I think it was rude and disrespectful of you to walk out like that.

Marblessolveeverything · 26/12/2023 00:02

I understand you leaving as an atheist I don't want to be present while people are praying. I feel uncomfortable and I would not want to be present and that doesn't require anyone's permission.

But given you have toddlers with someone who's religious beliefs extend to regular prayers at home you have a lot more issues coming your way.

Parenting is a minefield and if he is having issues with you as an adult leaving the room how will he manage his children holding different views?

LusaBatoosa · 26/12/2023 00:03

Fretfulmum · 25/12/2023 23:57

@LusaBatoosa about 5 minutes

Unless you dislike them for other reasons, I’d think you could handle sticking around for five mins of prayer on Christmas Day. Sorry, but YABU.

ConnieCroydon · 26/12/2023 00:04

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RendeersDancingTowardsChristmas · 26/12/2023 00:04

I think you were rude. Sitting for 5 minutes in silence is a little thing for you, but obviously does mean the world to your DH.

Is there anything specific that you don't like about his faith, that collide with your own beliefs?

TheCountIsPale · 26/12/2023 00:04

Just what is it worth to you here - your principles or your relationship? I personally would apologise to my partner for behaving like this, because really, life is too short. If you want to make a stand, go for it, but it could impact your relationship.

ConnieCroydon · 26/12/2023 00:06

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flowerchild2000 · 26/12/2023 00:07

Do you have a real reason though? It seems like you would be neutral? I have religious trauma so if it was one prayer before eating I would just sit and wait. But if it was like, everyone taking turns praying out loud for a long time I'd 100% bow out. No effing way. More likely I'd leave for a bit. Respect goes both ways and they have no right to force their beliefs on you. But if you're just annoyed or bored with it, you might be out of line.

TheCountIsPale · 26/12/2023 00:07

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As an aside - I had always considered myself an agnostic Christian as despite going to church weekly, I considered god ‘of our world and our creation’ so to speak. You’ve just given me the term I needed, so will be reading up on that!

Anywherebuthere · 26/12/2023 00:08

I'm with you on this OP.

It would be offensive if you were actively/verbally against them saying their prayers. But if you're atheist no one should be offended with you for leaving quietly, especially as you don't believe in God anyway. You didnt do anything wrong.

Your DH should have made more of an effort to keep the DC there if thats what he wanted but you shouldnt be forced into sitting through it multiple times in the day.

Gigi89x · 26/12/2023 00:10

I don't feel like you should have to participate in something you don't want to be part of, i don't see how you are in the wrong?

If you asked them to participate in your prayers of a different faith would your DH participate?

TheCountIsPale · 26/12/2023 00:10

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Absolutely - I have my principles as should OP. I just wonder where you draw the line. For me, if my partner was encouraging me to speak tongues for example, that would be too far. This I could live with, though I’m personally pretty comfortable with religion.

ZenNudist · 26/12/2023 00:11

Presumably your dh does this kind of thing often and you agreed to raising the dc Christian? Seems really strange you'd react like this to a 5 min prayer.

He's U for sulking tho'!

ManateeFair · 26/12/2023 00:12

YANBU. If they want to pray, that’s fine, but your DH shouldn’t be expecting you to participate or stay in the room. Christians can pray at any time and they can do that silently if they like. The fact that your DH’s family make a big deal of it being a group activity that monopolises the space and for which they want you to be present is, does, I think, suggest that there is an agenda or some point-making going on, on their part.

I do think that some forms of prayer are a lot harder to ignore than others, too. I could happily sit in the room while someone did a quick Our Father Who Art In Heaven but if it was all that intense evangelical stuff I’d be uncomfortable. My cousin’s husband is in the evangelical camp and rarely misses an opportunity to attempt to engage the rest of us (we aren’t Christians) in his love of Jesus. I have often walked away.

Gcsunnyside23 · 26/12/2023 00:12

This feels a bit far down the line for you to only have came up against the religious issues now. It'll only increase as the kids get older. How have you decided to raise the kids? If you've agreed for them to be raised like your husband to be fully involved in religion then you need to suck it up and wait out the prayers. I'm athiest but know I can sit for 5 mins so I'm not being rude

OrangeryAt · 26/12/2023 00:12

I’m also on the fence.

I get how you feel, I’m atheist myself. But DH is Catholic and I do occasionally partake for family reasons - for example, I attended mass with his family on Christmas Eve. I did the singing, didn’t do the prayers (but sat respectfully during them), and didn’t do communion. It’s an hour of my life and religion aside, it’s quite atmospheric and they trot out the best hymns at Christmas.

That said, I think your DH’s reaction is a total nonsense.

Morrisons01 · 26/12/2023 00:13

to be honest if it was me then id go along with it, even if my personal philosophy is why should any human bow to any gods, or supernatural beings.
(i blame supernatural tv show for my perspectives, that and charmed)