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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Having to do prayers on Christmas Day

560 replies

Fretfulmum · 25/12/2023 23:50

DH is Christian and he and his family are quite religious- goes to church weekly etc. I’m not Christian and I don’t attend church or do anything religious, I’m pretty much an atheist. We hosted DH’s parents and siblings and partners today. His parents wanted to do prayers before Christmas lunch. I told DH I’m not happy about having to do it but just let them get on with it whilst I sat there. In the evening, they wanted to do more. I’d had enough and I left the room without saying anything and let them crack on with it. Half way through the DC (toddlers) realised I wasn’t there and left the room to see where I was so they missed some of it. DH was so angry with me that I didn’t partake as it was a “whole family unit” thing and it disrespected his whole family? Apparently I ruined the day and now he’s sleeping in the spare room. AIBU that’s it my house and if I don’t want to do religious prayers that I sit out and go into another room ?

OP posts:
Elphame · 26/12/2023 00:14

I would have had a hard time sitting through the prayers too and would probably have left.

However did you not have a conversation before having children as to how they will be brought up. Your DH’s family will be keen to expose them heavily to Christianity and this would have been an absolute deal breaker for me. My MIL was very religious which was bad enough but if DP had shared her beliefs we would not have stayed together.

Original poster
Fretfulmum · 26/12/2023 00:15

Thanks for your comments. I sat through the first lot but not for the second lot. I left the room a couple of minutes before they started, not sure I would have left if it had already started as I also feel that would look rude.

@flowerchild2000 DHs parents lectured me a lot just after we got married that they would like me to be an active Christian and go to church etc but I declined at the time and have never participated. Tbh it did rile me at the time and ever since as I don’t feel that people should try to force religion on others. It made me actively oppose it. DH has been ok with my feelings for the past decade although I suspect deep down he would love for me to be more involved.

OP posts:
Poppyseason · 26/12/2023 00:16

I think this is part of a much bigger discussion around how you will handle this as a family going forward. As your dc get older the gap will widen. You both married the opposite when it comes to religion/faith and so a really honest discussion about what each person will/won't do is needed so that it isn't this reactive issue each time there's a mismatch of expectations.

The gap will widen. Time for you to both talk it out when it's not a harsh/hard moment and have a plan in place for next time. Maybe you are fine to be in the room but not openly partake. Maybe you agree to go to Church once a month or on major holidays. But maybe he needs to agree to not pressure you, chastise you or expect more than you are willing to do and have agreed to. There has to be give and take on both sides or resentment will build.

theduchessofspork · 26/12/2023 00:16

I think you could have sat with them for 5 minutes. You didn’t need to pretend to pray.

It sounds like you felt like your Christmas was being hijacked and reacted in the moment. Tomorrow I would personally apologise that you didn’t handle it better - and if you are really uncomfortable with prayers find a different way to manage it next time. Like you go off and do the pudding while they say Hi to JC, so it doesn’t feel like a walk out.

ManateeFair · 26/12/2023 00:16

Fretfulmum · 25/12/2023 23:57

@LusaBatoosa about 5 minutes

In praying terms, five minutes of communal prayer is a lot. There’s a reason most pre-written Anglican and Catholic prayers can be said in about 20 seconds. Five minutes of communal prayer sounds more like a sermon.

theduchessofspork · 26/12/2023 00:18

Poppyseason · 26/12/2023 00:16

I think this is part of a much bigger discussion around how you will handle this as a family going forward. As your dc get older the gap will widen. You both married the opposite when it comes to religion/faith and so a really honest discussion about what each person will/won't do is needed so that it isn't this reactive issue each time there's a mismatch of expectations.

The gap will widen. Time for you to both talk it out when it's not a harsh/hard moment and have a plan in place for next time. Maybe you are fine to be in the room but not openly partake. Maybe you agree to go to Church once a month or on major holidays. But maybe he needs to agree to not pressure you, chastise you or expect more than you are willing to do and have agreed to. There has to be give and take on both sides or resentment will build.

The OP is an atheist and he does need to respect that and not expect her to attend church other than for family events.

I’d agree they need to figure out how they handle it overall.

AboutYouTalk · 26/12/2023 00:19

YABU for marrying a practicing Christian when you are an atheist. Seriously, what did you expect?

ManateeFair · 26/12/2023 00:19

Fretfulmum · 26/12/2023 00:15

Thanks for your comments. I sat through the first lot but not for the second lot. I left the room a couple of minutes before they started, not sure I would have left if it had already started as I also feel that would look rude.

@flowerchild2000 DHs parents lectured me a lot just after we got married that they would like me to be an active Christian and go to church etc but I declined at the time and have never participated. Tbh it did rile me at the time and ever since as I don’t feel that people should try to force religion on others. It made me actively oppose it. DH has been ok with my feelings for the past decade although I suspect deep down he would love for me to be more involved.

Absolutely YANBU, then.

Also, if your DH wants the children to be praying with the adults, he needs to take responsibility for keeping them in the bloody room, not you.

pizzaHeart · 26/12/2023 00:20

How on earth you are going to manage this further down the line? It’s not about you leaving the room it’s about DC. If you have such a strong view about religion how are you going to parent with your DH? He obviously wants DC to be religious like him. And it felt a bit that you were making a point about religion by going out.
I would stay and listen respectfully on your place but I wouldn’t call myself an atheist. But it doesn’t matter if I’m atheist or not the main thing is that my DH has similar views on religion so we are on the same plate. You can’t be so opposite on this matter when you are partners.

Qwerty556 · 26/12/2023 00:20

I'm an atheist. Surely the respectful thing to do is to maintain a dignified silence? You say that you'd had enough and left the room - seems a bit dramatic after only 2 prayers on a day you must've know would be important to Christians.

edwinbear · 26/12/2023 00:21

I think you’re a bit of a hypocrite to celebrate Christmas, if you can’t give 5 minutes reflection for the reason why we celebrate Christmas.

Original poster
Fretfulmum · 26/12/2023 00:22

The prayers are quite intense. It’s not the Lords Prayer type, it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable if I’m being honest.

You are right that this is part of something deeper. I don’t get on that well with the in laws for various other reasons. I think they and DH should also respect my want to not partake if I hold differing religious views.

We agreed for DC to learn about both of our religions (although I’m not religious at all), and then they could choose what they want to do when they’re a bit older. We do celebrate my main festivals in the year too but it’s mainly me who does something little for the DC, nothing like Christmas celebrations.

OP posts:
TheCountIsPale · 26/12/2023 00:23

ManateeFair · 26/12/2023 00:16

In praying terms, five minutes of communal prayer is a lot. There’s a reason most pre-written Anglican and Catholic prayers can be said in about 20 seconds. Five minutes of communal prayer sounds more like a sermon.

Show quote history

True - but if it was something like the intercessions it can go on a bit, if they’re praying for various people/countries etc

NightisdarkandfullofterrorsGOT · 26/12/2023 00:23

Did your husband talk to you about it in advance or was it just spring on you? I think giving them space to observe their faith is respectful thing to do, not your responsibility to get the children to get interested in and engage in his faith. If he wants to raise them with a faith that’s his job, he knows you’re not a Christian so can’t hold you responsible for ensuring their religious upbringing.

LenaLamont · 26/12/2023 00:23

Flaming Nora, FIVE minutes of praying? That’s ages. What are they doing, the Sermon On The Mount?

Sitting through a brief grace before a meal is accommodating and respectful. Sitting through a prayer before one meal is very accommodating.

Being expected to sit through a lengthy second prayer in your own damned home is ridiculous. DH and his family are unreasonable to expect you to go along with their extreme religious observances.

ComtesseDeSpair · 26/12/2023 00:23

I think it’s pretty odd to marry and have children with an active Christian, agree to celebrate one of Christianity’s major holidays with a group of active Christians, and then decide that sitting quietly and listening to some words about Christianity is the hill you’ll die on. And regardless of that, it would be rude for anyone to decide they were just going to wander away from the table because they weren’t interested in what was being said.

TheCountIsPale · 26/12/2023 00:26

LenaLamont · 26/12/2023 00:23

Flaming Nora, FIVE minutes of praying? That’s ages. What are they doing, the Sermon On The Mount?

Sitting through a brief grace before a meal is accommodating and respectful. Sitting through a prayer before one meal is very accommodating.

Being expected to sit through a lengthy second prayer in your own damned home is ridiculous. DH and his family are unreasonable to expect you to go along with their extreme religious observances.

Someone i don’t really like in my family did an extremely boring speech last Christmas. It went on for ten mins. I wanted to crawl out of my skin it was so boring. I didn’t walk out as that would have been rude. I sat quietly and clapped at the end as that was polite.

I sit through ten minute sermons at church on a regular basis. Some days I listen, some days I just chill out and enjoy the peace. If you can’t just relax for five minutes to be respectful that is a bit off isn’t it?

Qwerty556 · 26/12/2023 00:26

We're you expected to join in?
Would they have accepted you just sitting there whilst they got on with it?

Original poster
Fretfulmum · 26/12/2023 00:26

@ComtesseDeSpair i didn’t wander from the table, I’m not that rude. I left the room a couple of minutes before it even started.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fretfulmum · 26/12/2023 00:28

I think I felt more strongly about it as it’s them doing it in my home without any warning they wanted to do this. DH doesn’t pray at home like that so it isn’t normally an issue. When I’m in their home, I abide by what they want to do and wouldn’t dream of walking away/making a comment about it.

OP posts:
Left · 26/12/2023 00:29

I think YANBU, especially if their prayers make you feel uncomfortable, and you left before they started. It’s your home too, and DHs parents and DH should respect that, not throw a toddler strop about it.

gotomomo · 26/12/2023 00:30

I'm assuming you knew he was a practicing Christian when you met him? I don't think 2x 5 mins of prayers is unreasonable to daydream through. Grace before eating is normal too

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 26/12/2023 00:30

These “prayers” are meaningless drivel. You were right to swerve.

Askmeanything1 · 26/12/2023 00:30

It's very unchristian of him to shun you for this. He hasn't got a leg to stand on from a religious perspective.

caringcarer · 26/12/2023 00:31

If you'd already sat through one lot of prayers earlier in the day then left the room before the praying began I don't think that's rude and if your DH wants your DC to pray he should teach them. He needs to understand he can't force his faith on others who don't believe. I suspect he'll ram religion down your DC's throats. Prayers are not a family thing they are a believers thing.