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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Having to do prayers on Christmas Day

560 replies

Fretfulmum · 25/12/2023 23:50

DH is Christian and he and his family are quite religious- goes to church weekly etc. I’m not Christian and I don’t attend church or do anything religious, I’m pretty much an atheist. We hosted DH’s parents and siblings and partners today. His parents wanted to do prayers before Christmas lunch. I told DH I’m not happy about having to do it but just let them get on with it whilst I sat there. In the evening, they wanted to do more. I’d had enough and I left the room without saying anything and let them crack on with it. Half way through the DC (toddlers) realised I wasn’t there and left the room to see where I was so they missed some of it. DH was so angry with me that I didn’t partake as it was a “whole family unit” thing and it disrespected his whole family? Apparently I ruined the day and now he’s sleeping in the spare room. AIBU that’s it my house and if I don’t want to do religious prayers that I sit out and go into another room ?

OP posts:
LenaLamont · 26/12/2023 00:31

TheCountIsPale · 26/12/2023 00:26

Someone i don’t really like in my family did an extremely boring speech last Christmas. It went on for ten mins. I wanted to crawl out of my skin it was so boring. I didn’t walk out as that would have been rude. I sat quietly and clapped at the end as that was polite.

I sit through ten minute sermons at church on a regular basis. Some days I listen, some days I just chill out and enjoy the peace. If you can’t just relax for five minutes to be respectful that is a bit off isn’t it?

Show quote history

A boring speech is just that, a boring speech.

A prayer session is forcing the OP to bear witness to a belief system that negates her own beliefs.

This is her home. There should have been a discussion before expecting the OP to accommodate religious observances in her home while she hosted what is (for most people in the U.K. according to the past few censuses) a cultural rather than religious festival.

TriOptimim · 26/12/2023 00:32

edwinbear · 26/12/2023 00:21

I think you’re a bit of a hypocrite to celebrate Christmas, if you can’t give 5 minutes reflection for the reason why we celebrate Christmas.

We? Clearly Christmas isn't religious for OP.

VivX · 26/12/2023 00:32

I think it is fine if you left before they began praying.
(Walking out after they have started, is a litttle more disruptive)

Er, good luck to you both once your children start verbalising their own views...
They're bound to have differing views to at least one of you, how is that parent going to handle that situation?

Mekw · 26/12/2023 00:33

I absolutely agree that religion shouldn't be forced on anyone and you of course shouldn't be made to pray if you don't want to .... however as others have said you could have respectfully sat quietly whilst they prayed. I mean, if you're that much of an atheist why do you celebrate Christmas 🤔
I do get it may have felt awkward for you. I'm not an atheist and would have felt uncomfortable myself doing it but you have to respect that it's what they do and it is their religious festival. For the sake of 5 mins it's worth sitting through to keep the peace with your DH.

ILoveMyCaravan · 26/12/2023 00:34

There is no way I would tolerate other people praying in MY house like that. It would make me deeply uncomfortable. Then again we don't actively celebrate Xmas.

VivX · 26/12/2023 00:35

VivX · 26/12/2023 00:32

I think it is fine if you left before they began praying.
(Walking out after they have started, is a litttle more disruptive)

Er, good luck to you both once your children start verbalising their own views...
They're bound to have differing views to at least one of you, how is that parent going to handle that situation?

I took that long to post, I can see the OP has since confirmed that she left before they started praying - which I think is quite a reasonable compromise.

Pookerrod · 26/12/2023 00:37

I’m sorry but you hosted religious Christians at Christmas. What did you expect would happen? It is a really important time for them, you should have been more respectful.

NewJobNewMeNewLife · 26/12/2023 00:38

my dh’s family has a large number of born against Christians in it. I disagree with almost every aspect of their faith. There is no way I would sit through anything at all in my home- I could potentially stretch to grace before a meal but absolutely no more.
if we were at one of their houses- we I would sit quietly on our phones or something similar quietly or excuse ourselves from the room.
the difference is me and my dh have a united approach- our house isn’t a religious space and their home is. I can’t see how it would work if even me and my husband didn’t agree on our own home.
I can’t see to be honest how this hasn’t come up before- have they not tried to pray in your company before? What has happened regarding blessing/ baptising children etc. if this is the first time it has come up could it be that your oh is becoming more devout or wanting religion to take up a bigger part in his life?

I suppose some of it depends on your view of their religion- are you apathetic towards it or actively opposed to it?

TeenLifeMum · 26/12/2023 00:39

So you invited religious people to your house for a religious holiday and couldn’t sit politely while they said prayers? Why did you have to make a thing? You are atheist so don’t believe the words, you won’t burn in flames by sitting there. You know they’re Christians and you know today is Christmas so yes, they’ll likely want to say a prayer at meal times.

garlictwist · 26/12/2023 00:39

I'd probably just pray (or pretend to). If you don't believe what harm does it do? It's a small and very short gesture and then it's over.

LusaBatoosa · 26/12/2023 00:40

This might be completely off base, but is DH’s family west African? I can totally imagine my relatives behaving like this - the lecturing, the intense prayers, being offended. All of it.

If that’s the case, you can’t win this one. They think you’re the godless witch their poor son married. 🤣Your DH is being a bit ridiculous, though.

TriOptimim · 26/12/2023 00:48

TeenLifeMum · 26/12/2023 00:39

So you invited religious people to your house for a religious holiday and couldn’t sit politely while they said prayers? Why did you have to make a thing? You are atheist so don’t believe the words, you won’t burn in flames by sitting there. You know they’re Christians and you know today is Christmas so yes, they’ll likely want to say a prayer at meal times.

Edited

How is quietly leaving beforehand "making a thing"?

SaySomethingMan · 26/12/2023 00:49

Fretfulmum · 26/12/2023 00:22

The prayers are quite intense. It’s not the Lords Prayer type, it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable if I’m being honest.

You are right that this is part of something deeper. I don’t get on that well with the in laws for various other reasons. I think they and DH should also respect my want to not partake if I hold differing religious views.

We agreed for DC to learn about both of our religions (although I’m not religious at all), and then they could choose what they want to do when they’re a bit older. We do celebrate my main festivals in the year too but it’s mainly me who does something little for the DC, nothing like Christmas celebrations.

If you’re an atheist, what sort of ´festivals /celebrations’ from your side are you doing for your kids?

Original poster
Fretfulmum · 26/12/2023 00:50

@SaySomethingMan nothing religious, just cultural. Some dancing and food that’s it

OP posts:
Sandrine1982 · 26/12/2023 00:53

Sorry but it's very rude to leave the table. Sometimes I don't understand my DH's family prayers if they are around for Christmas (African background) but I'll make every effort just to be polite, and for our 4 year old to learn it / about it.

i've also seen DM in my family Xmas dinner (central European, also catholic but different customs), really made an effort to participate. Those who were not catholic around just listened with interest, said 'amen" and ate their lovely food. I don't get why people would be offended. Just sit and say your wishes for the next day. Play around your to do list. Amen.....

Original poster
Fretfulmum · 26/12/2023 00:56

@Sandrine1982 I didn’t leave the table ! I left a room 2 minutes before it even started

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 26/12/2023 01:01

First you said you are an Atheist, then you said ' both of our religions (although I’m not religious at all), and then they could choose what they want to do when they’re a bit older. We do celebrate my main festivals in the year too '

So which is it ?

And it's Christmas i.e. Christ Mass One of the main Christian celebrations of the year, why would it be a surprise/problem/issue for Christians to say prayers before meals - in the home that both you and OH live in - unless it actually is YOUR house as you state.

Christmas isn't just about Father Christmas / Santa Claus...

KylieJennersMakeUpSponge · 26/12/2023 01:02

jc12689 · 25/12/2023 23:56

It doesn't sound like a big deal to say a prayer (I'm not religious at all). Presumably you knew about your husband's religion before today? It's not much of a sacrifice for you to make really. It's not like your children are going to turn into Scientologists or anything.

This.

Huffing off is a massive over reaction.

Qwerty556 · 26/12/2023 01:02

Where you expected to pray?

Original poster
Fretfulmum · 26/12/2023 01:05

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon Ive addressed this in an earlier post. And yes it is MY house if you want the clarification. It was mine from before I met DH although I see it as our house now

@Qwerty556 yes they expect me to hold hands and bow and repeat the words

OP posts:
Tacotortoise · 26/12/2023 01:05

Christians praying at Christmas. What is the world coming to?

Morrisons01 · 26/12/2023 01:07

Tacotortoise · 26/12/2023 01:05

Christians praying at Christmas. What is the world coming to?

Epecially when the point of christmas is to do with the religion

TinDogTavern · 26/12/2023 01:07

YABU. It's your DH and his family's primary festival in their faith. Leaving the room because you don't share that belief was rude and disrespectful. Could you not have managed five minutes of quiet contemplation out of respect for your guests?

Qwerty556 · 26/12/2023 01:08

Fretfulmum · 26/12/2023 01:05

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon Ive addressed this in an earlier post. And yes it is MY house if you want the clarification. It was mine from before I met DH although I see it as our house now

@Qwerty556 yes they expect me to hold hands and bow and repeat the words

I think that's awful and utterly disrespectful of them.

You have every right to be angry with them. You had every right to leave the room.

derxa · 26/12/2023 01:08

Ridiculous

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