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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Having to do prayers on Christmas Day

560 replies

Fretfulmum · 25/12/2023 23:50

DH is Christian and he and his family are quite religious- goes to church weekly etc. I’m not Christian and I don’t attend church or do anything religious, I’m pretty much an atheist. We hosted DH’s parents and siblings and partners today. His parents wanted to do prayers before Christmas lunch. I told DH I’m not happy about having to do it but just let them get on with it whilst I sat there. In the evening, they wanted to do more. I’d had enough and I left the room without saying anything and let them crack on with it. Half way through the DC (toddlers) realised I wasn’t there and left the room to see where I was so they missed some of it. DH was so angry with me that I didn’t partake as it was a “whole family unit” thing and it disrespected his whole family? Apparently I ruined the day and now he’s sleeping in the spare room. AIBU that’s it my house and if I don’t want to do religious prayers that I sit out and go into another room ?

OP posts:
MissBuffyAnneSummers · 26/12/2023 05:25

I'm an atheist married to a Christian.

I would not take part in the prayers but I wouldn't leave the room.

You were really rude and disruptive.

LaurieStrode · 26/12/2023 05:30

shearwater2 · 26/12/2023 05:15

I don't understand grown adults (supposedly) imposing their religious beliefs on people they are staying with. How selfish, rude and thoughtless.

Edited

Agree.

They should have stepped outdoors or gone to an unused room or something rather than take over the main room of the house.

strawberrysea · 26/12/2023 05:31

Good for you.

Your kids were probably grateful for an excuse to leave the room.

EsmeSusanOgg · 26/12/2023 05:32

5 minutes is quite long for prayers. Grace should be a quick thing. It also sounds like the evening prayers wer elonger than 5 minutes if the kids had time to notice missing mum and wander off.

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 26/12/2023 05:36

I am Christian and don't think you were BU. Here is my slightly different take on it. There shouldn't ever be a sense of compulsion with prayer and things like that. And as people with faith in a higher power, my belief is that because of our faith Christians have to carry the burden of having broad shoulders and extending a lot of grace in not getting offended by every little thing other people do. We all have boundaries. If you had sat there and said "Why do we have to do this?!" that would be completely different because that is interfering in their prayer time. Everyone has a right to make their choice.

I think if your husband is being honest, it's perhaps an emotional reaction in him, a feeling of being disappointed but unfortunately it's just one of those things. I took myself off to church on my own yesterday and was I secretly a bit disappointed that my dh and dsd didn't want to come? Yes but I didn't say that nor would I ever put that on them. Of course it would mean the world to me if they did. I tend to focus on the positives so where they have joined in I've just said " thanks so much, it means a lot to me!" rather than focusing on the majority of the time when I know neither of us is going to budge.

Ultimately I know me having a go isn't going to change anything. Everyone is free to choose and in a way, I'd rather someone only be there joining in if they genuinely want to, rather than sitting there going through the motions, but completely closed off and not meaning anything. Just going through the motions to keep the peace is ultimately pretty worthless and it's better they spend their time actually doing something that is meaningful for them in that moment.

Dh and I have had many discussions about this and he has said he respects my faith and my reasons for it but feels guilty doing things out of pretence and I actually think that shows integrity and is quite respectful.

Ponderingwindow · 26/12/2023 05:37

The real problem is that you left your children in the room. You should have taken them with you instead of leaving them there thinking prayer is a benign choice.

I would be very uncomfortable with people praying in my home. I sit quietly if they pray in their own, but doing it in my home is unreasonable. Of course, I never would have married a man who didn’t feel the same way. I wouldn’t want the father of my children telling them they should pray.

Ponderingwindow · 26/12/2023 05:45

For all the people saying that it is just polite to sit quietly or even participate, what of op had decided to give a 5 minute talk on axial tilt in honor of the solstice? Would the family have been obligated to sit politely and listen to her lecture?

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 26/12/2023 05:48

Ponderingwindow · 26/12/2023 05:45

For all the people saying that it is just polite to sit quietly or even participate, what of op had decided to give a 5 minute talk on axial tilt in honor of the solstice? Would the family have been obligated to sit politely and listen to her lecture?

I get what you're saying but that isn't the same thing. Christians still believe in axial tilt. She wasn't having lunch with a bunch of flat earthers.

MrDirtyBear · 26/12/2023 06:09

YANBU, it's typical bullying, expecting you to subjugate to peer pressure on such a principle. Absolutely normal disregard of non religious views and revealing that, frankly, Christians often do not practise the values they preach.

Instead, I would hope that in future they check their behaviour, give you space in an often suffocating world to not be co opted. It's not like you went out of your way to blaspheme or call them on their collective, erm, fantasy.

Sadly you can't win I suspect, if you are as servile as some expect you to be, to satisfy their arrogance it will get worse, you will have no voice. If you stand up for yourself even with constructive disengagement you'll be seen as awkward but at least you have a voice.

As for your husband. Words fail me, he doesn't have your back and doesn't respect your attempt to draw a reasonable line. In short, he owes you a big fat apology. He chose to marry someone outside his faith, if he wasn't prepared to compromise on this, and can't act as a peacemaker then he's not going to have your back full stop.

I'd hate to be in a relationship that isn't equal or based on mutual respect, and I don't envy the work you have cut out for you.

Ti's the season for the veneer of Christian tolerance to wear thin, tralalala... la la la laaaaah.

ARockIsASlowSlowCooledOffFlameAndACradle · 26/12/2023 06:25

@MrsTerryPratchett If you can bring back multi-day festivities I'll be with you all the way! In celebration of any Gods that can take on the Gods of the Market Place.

ValuableLimeLesson · 26/12/2023 06:59

I'm a regular mass-going Catholic, and I'd want to leave the room, too, if the prayer was that horrific ex tempore stream of consciousness stuff that so many people seem to like. I just find anything like that utterly toe-curling. I imagine it'd be a thousand times worse if I weren't religious to begin with.

Simonjt · 26/12/2023 07:13

Your husband and his parents are bullying you in your own home, he is sulking and avoiding you because you refuse to take part in his religion.

Sulking and avoiding you is his way of trying to manipulate you into pleasing him next time.

SharonEllis · 26/12/2023 07:21

YANBU. Its your house too & you shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable in your own house. You'll need to agree with your husband how this works in future or it will be confusing for the children. Honesty with them is the best policy I think - ie grownups have different beliefs and all should be respected.

scampersmagee · 26/12/2023 07:31

YABU

You've mentioned he doesn't usually do this. If this is the case, it's a one off, it's Christmas Day, I think you could've sat through it for a few minutes. I don't think he's manipulating you and I can see why he's a bit disappointed.

Why is the prayer so difficult to sit through? What makes it uncomfortable for you?

CurlewKate · 26/12/2023 07:33

I am an atheist. Personally I would have sat quietly for the sake of good manners. But I am a bit surprised that your dh didn't warn you/discuss it with you in advance.

ActDottie · 26/12/2023 07:35

I’d probably have joined in to keep the peace. It’s one day and tbf it’s a Christian holiday.

CurlewKate · 26/12/2023 07:35

Also you can't be "pretty much an atheist." That sounds as if you havenMr really thought about the subject very much, to be honest.

notahappybunny7 · 26/12/2023 07:37

Doublerainbow23 · 26/12/2023 00:00

Yanbu. DH has no right to insist you are present for prayers. But what has been said about the DC? I'd not be happy with my DC being expected to join in with prayers, but presumably you've agreed with DH whether they are going to raised as Christian?

Oh calm down, she agreed to marry and have kids with the guy. Perhaps she should have considered his religious beliefs before doing that.

notahappybunny7 · 26/12/2023 07:39

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Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 26/12/2023 07:40

If their god is that powerful then a morning prayer would suffice, no need to pray at every opportunity.
Make that clear next time.

Rewis · 26/12/2023 07:41

One the one hand as long as they're not making you lead the prayer I don't see why you can't ait quietly. But if the prayer make a you uncomfortable I don't think you should have to be there.

BananaSplitsss · 26/12/2023 07:41

I think that you was rude and that you made this about you.

Christians praying during a religious Christian day is a non issue and you could have just sat there and not stomped off.

YABVU

WithACatLikeTread · 26/12/2023 07:43

I wonder why you married him? It is actually quite common for someone religious to get more so so as they get older or have children. This will get worse. We are Christian and attend church. We wouldn't do prayers like that.

BananaSplitsss · 26/12/2023 07:43

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 26/12/2023 07:40

If their god is that powerful then a morning prayer would suffice, no need to pray at every opportunity.
Make that clear next time.

Now you’re being unreasonable. Other faiths pray multiple times a day- do you say that to them?

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 26/12/2023 07:43

edwinbear · 26/12/2023 00:21

I think you’re a bit of a hypocrite to celebrate Christmas, if you can’t give 5 minutes reflection for the reason why we celebrate Christmas.

There's always been winter festivals though, not everyone cares about made up gods.