Having to do prayers on Christmas Day

[Fretfulmum]

DH is Christian and he and his family are quite religious- goes to church weekly etc. I’m not Christian and I don’t attend church or do anything religious, I’m pretty much an atheist. We hosted DH’s parents and siblings and partners today. His parents wanted to do prayers before Christmas lunch. I told DH I’m not happy about having to do it but just let them get on with it whilst I sat there. In the evening, they wanted to do more. I’d had enough and I left the room without saying anything and let them crack on with it. Half way through the DC (toddlers) realised I wasn’t there and left the room to see where I was so they missed some of it. DH was so angry with me that I didn’t partake as it was a “whole family unit” thing and it disrespected his whole family? Apparently I ruined the day and now he’s sleeping in the spare room. AIBU that’s it my house and if I don’t want to do religious prayers that I sit out and go into another room ?

You can’t have it both ways.

Thing is, you absolutely can. I have for 50 years and DD does now. And we're all perfectly nice people who live good lives. Without religion.

If someone of a different religion expected you to pray to a different God than the one you believe in, would you have gone along with it?

It is a big deal.

Noone would be forced, guilted, or coerced into participating in religion when they don't want to and don't believe. They certainly should not be punished with disapproval for not participating in their own home.

If OP starts participating their unreasonable reaction today shows they are the type to see it as a green light to expect more the next time and it will snowball. OP should stand firm for her own beliefs.

They agreed to bring their children up to understand and respect their different beliefs and choose for themselves when they are ready, watching their mother pray when she says she doesn't believe will just confuse them.

Particularly given that you weren’t even in the room when they started, of course YANBU.

Either they appreciated that you probably didn’t want to join in, so cracked on in your brief absence, or they completely failed to notice your absence (which would be very rude considering that you’re hosting).

Your DH is being a total ass.

Fine, they can pray if they want, but to get angry that the OP chooses not to? Not ok

My MIL is religious. She goes to church on Christmas morning - that's it. Nothing that need involve anyone else who isn't interested. Really rude to force religion on someone when you are a guest in their home.

Sorry does your DH not live with you? Just seems like it's his house too. YABVU.

I think you’ve misunderstood, OP didn’t stop her DH from participating.

And he and his family obviously didn’t care much initially, or they wouldn’t have started when OP was out of the room.

You were rude to leave the room.

I've sat through lengthy prayers by late FIL Italian Catholic and big wig at the church many many times.

If you’d made a scene about leaving, I’d agree it was rude. But quietly leaving and letting them get on with it isn’t rude. What is rude, and very controlling, is your DH saying you should partake as it was a “whole family unit” thing when he knows you do not believe or want to participate. Trying to force his religious practice on you is not okay at all.

Nevermind today, what will you do about the children?!

Also, making you sit through 5 minutes of prayer at the table before eating was pretty rude when it’s not their house and it’s not your custom, though more difficult if your DH had wanted to as well. That’s something that should have been discussed before hand and some compromised made.

MIL has a deep Christian faith. When she visits for Christmas DH takes her to midnight mass on Christmas Eve. That's us accomodating her faith. I would not be happy with a prayer session in my own house (not that she would ever do that).

When DH takes the DC to visit her she wants them to go to church but DH knows he has to allow them to say no if they don't want to (which has happened now they are teenagers, and happened because they were pushed to take part in the Eucharist so a similar but not as extreme overstepping of boundaries).

Christianity is a proselytising religion, overstepping the boundaries of non-Christians is what it does. You need to hold firm and discuss with your DH your boundaries that he needs to respect and insist his family respects.

YANBU to not.want to actively join in with praying but YABU to make such a point of leaving the room rather than just sitting quietly and respectfully whilst your religious family pray for a few mins during a religious festival.
It is just exercising tolerance and respect. I have friends of different faiths and I would do the same if they wanted to pray.

In your own atheist home?

You having done one thing doesn’t make someone else doing something different rude.

But they expect her to actively participate. Quietly the room a couple of minutes beforehand seems less confrontational than staying but refusing to participate when urged.

Yanbu to not join in. But yabu not sit patiently for 5 minutes. I know its your own home
. But it is also DHs and you knew they where all religious. So no surprise.

Maybe because we are religious (not christian) we are more tolerant of others praying. I can't pray when on my period like.l other ladies In our faith, so it's common for us to not all pray at the same time and for others to excuse themselves to pray or pray in the same room and we wait.

It's 5 minutes. Patience is important.

But DH and his family expect OP to join in with their prayers. It’s one thing to ask someone to respect your faith, it’s another to require active participation, particularly when you’re a guest in their home.

I think you were totally justified.

You didn't inflict your beliefs on them, and you were in no way disrespectful, just quietly removed yourself.

They have no rights to inflict their beliefs on you, nor insist on different behaviour to accord with their beliefs, which would be disrespectful to you, and somewhat controlling to insist on.

If their father wanted the DC to pray, he should have managed that (which apparently he didn't, as they ran off), not expected you to facilitate it.

I'm pretty shocked by how many pp seem to think that you should have just sucked up unreasonable expectations in order to keep the peace!

I'm religious
DH is not

He pops in and out of church if he's collecting me, or fayres, social events
He knows most there and vice versa, happily socialises

If there's a prayer, he'll sit quietly. He doesn't say Amen and no one would expect him to

Your in-laws wanted you to join in? Are they quite mad? I'd be a bit offended if my DH joined in something he doesn't believe

Is your DH in a mood because in laws had a go at him?

This. Honestly, I don't understand grown adults (supposedly) who can't put up with something for a few minutes to accomodate someone else's beliefs. How did people get so selfish?

What do you do if someone you know dies or gets married? Do you stand outside the church in case there is praying which will offend your sensibilities?

OP, l totally get where you are coming from. Your husband is being unreasonable by such a childish reaction.

Genuine question though, does this difference in attitudes impact with other parts of your relationship?

I don't understand grown adults (supposedly) imposing their religious beliefs on people they are staying with. How selfish, rude and thoughtless.

It wasn’t the middle of a service. She didn’t get up from the table when they were sat for a meal and the other adults wanted to pray. She didn’t make a fuss, she just didn’t stay when three adults were doing something she wasn’t included in. It’s no ruder than leaving to do something else when everyone else wants to watch Coronation Street or the King’s Speech.