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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving family Christmas and taking my children home

394 replies

GinLou · 24/12/2023 02:51

Between my partner and I we have 8 kids, we were never together when they were little so although it's a lot it doesn't always feel like it. We've been together 5 years, his wife passed and my children's dad isn't involved.
Christmas for the last 2 years was all the kids (or those who wanted to come home) at ours for a low key day centred around food and PJs, this is how it's always been. This year his parents are selling their house, it's the house he grew up in and they invited everyone over. It's a large 7 bed but a lot of the adult children have got hotels, but are here from breakfast to gone midnight. There's 26 people all in.
This Christmas is very different to ours, a lot of drinking, TikTok dancing, games, chatter you name it. It's never quiet and definitely not chill. There's also no way to avoid it, there are 3 rooms available in the day the sitting room, the snug and the conservatory. The youngest group 13-18/19 seem to all be pushed into the snug, the adult children 19-26ish in the conservatory/dining room and the adults (partners parents, siblings and the such) in the sitting room. Obviously there's lots of mixing too but this has been the default most of the 2 days so far. It's overwhelming and I'm an adult!!

Tonight 2 of my 3 children came to me (13 and 15) and expressed they aren't having fun they want to go home. DD was crying saying it's too much and she's tired, we are due to be here until the 27th.
I think the issue is they don't know these people, the in jokes, the history etc. lots of mention of partners late wife which makes me uncomfortable and DD said it makes her feel weird.

I called my own mum and told her everything and she suggested we just come home and go there, it will just be them, my sister, her son but they have enough to feed 12 my mum thinks.

I'm so tempted!! I hate all this loud noisy fun, all the games are tedious, TikTok dances make me cringe and I don't feel included.

I haven't spoken to my partner yet, but I'm thinking of suggesting my kids and I leave tomorrow and have a quiet Christmas with my family then we can celebrate together on the 28th when we are all home.
DS is 17 and seems to be having a nice time so I'd ask him if he wants to stay but I know my girls want to go home.

AIBU to be considering this?

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 24/12/2023 03:01

You've done 2 days already?? That's quite a long visit til 27th at such close close quarters. Are you and the 8 kids all staying in the house?

Re mentions of partner's late wife - that's his children mother and someone that was part of their family presumably for a number of years? so it's going to happen. Must she never be spoken of?

Original poster
GinLou · 24/12/2023 03:08

Whataretheodds · 24/12/2023 03:01

You've done 2 days already?? That's quite a long visit til 27th at such close close quarters. Are you and the 8 kids all staying in the house?

Re mentions of partner's late wife - that's his children mother and someone that was part of their family presumably for a number of years? so it's going to happen. Must she never be spoken of?

Not all the 8 children no, 3 of them have partners and are staying in a hotel, partners 2 youngest kids (18 and 19) are staying here and my 3.

In the house staying are

  • Partners Parents
  • Partner and I
  • Partners sister and 2 of her children
  • Partners brother, his wife and 2 of their children
  • My 3 kids and 2 of my partners kids

In hotel

  • Partners 3 older kids and their partners
  • His sisters other child and her partner
  • His brothers other child and his partner
OP posts:
Arghcantthinkofaname · 24/12/2023 03:09

Yanbu.

But how about staying until after the 25th and leaving a bit early like first thing 26th?

It’s only one year, and it will likely make a lot of people sad if you leave now. Whether you want to or not it will look as though you are snubbing that side of the family.

Equally your own kids can celebrate in their own way from the 26th onwards. It won’t harm them to know that other families celebrate christmas differently, and that remembering people who died doesn’t take away from those who are still alive x

Whataretheodds · 24/12/2023 03:10

So have your kids got 2 bedrooms in the house between them?
Can they escape there during the day? - why is your 13 year old so tired?

Original poster
GinLou · 24/12/2023 03:16

Whataretheodds · 24/12/2023 03:10

So have your kids got 2 bedrooms in the house between them?
Can they escape there during the day? - why is your 13 year old so tired?

Sort of

The bedrooms are distributed as

Bedroom 1 - Partners Parents
Bedroom 2 - Partner and I
Bedroom 3 - Partners brother and his wife
Bedroom 4 - Partners sister
Bedroom 5 - Partners daughter and his sisters daughter
Bedroom 6 - Partners son and my son
Bedroom 7 - His brothers 2 sons
The snug - My girls

The snug is used all day by the youngest set of kids so not really a place to escape and my son isn't the one interest in escaping. Even when they do it's still loud, all the talking/music is super noisy.

She's tired as breakfast is served at 9.30 and his parents won't negotiate on that and music is still going till 2 in the morning, have to queue to shower etc. it's all chaos!!

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 24/12/2023 03:21

Take your daughters home. Let your 17 year old DS decide what he wants to do, but your daughters didn't get a great deal with the sleeping/living arrangements, and your 13 year old sounds fed up.

Although you could swap with them, or give them your room during the day?

TomeTome · 24/12/2023 03:23

Let them use your room during the day. Stay till Christmas Day then go home.

sweetpickle23 · 24/12/2023 03:24

YANBU for finding it overwhelming, but honestly YABU for being this effected by christmases that are different from yours. From what I understand you and DP have only had 2 Christmases that are as you’d prefer them? With so many children between you/extended family with their partners etc, then I’m afraid that christmases that aren’t exactly as you would like them to be may be in your future.

Could you get a hotel room if there are any available wherever the older kids are staying? That way you can still be involved, but if not be so full on and all day.

Otherwise maybe leave on the 25th? I think it would be quite rude to go before Christmas Day at this stage. And would you even have anything in at home to do Xmas there anyway?

In the meantime though, let your DDs use your room during the day- that seems like an obvious fix.

Eastie77Returns · 24/12/2023 03:44

The sheer numbers involved here are making me shiver but I really enjoy quiet time at this time of year and don’t entertain any guests or family.

OP I can only imagine the chaos but it is what it is and I think it would be extremely rude to leave before the 25th.

Can you take your DD’s out during the day? Any local attractions? MN swears by a walk in the park/forest and a nice hot chocolate!

Bournetilly · 24/12/2023 03:53

YANBU to want to leave but if you leave before the 25th it’s going to look really rude, they surely will have planned Christmas dinner and purchased food for a set amount of people.

Can you get a hotel room? If not then give your girls your room during the day. Or swap and you have the snug.

It’s only a few more days and you know in future not to do this again.

bonzaitree · 24/12/2023 04:06

YABU to think that this would be a good idea!

Take your kids out tomorrow to have some chilled time. Let them read or play in your room for the remainder of the day. Stay for Xmas dinner on 25th then drive home. Leaving before Xmas day would be rude and would be tricky for your husband and other kids.

DeeLusional · 24/12/2023 04:08

Being there till 28th sounds like a nightmare to me. Getting a family room in a hotel if you can sounds like the best solution, then home on Boxing Day. I don't think anyone will be offended if you quietly explain to DP's parents that you've had a lovely time but your girls are overwhelmed and a bit homesick. Good luck and Merry Christmas.

Greenpolkadot · 24/12/2023 04:13

Crikey it sounds like a nightmare and I would be going home even if I didn't have kids there.
Your daughters sound unhappy.I suspect they have to get up as soon as the snug needs to be used for the other kids.
I'd be taking them home to a quieter Christmas with your parents.
What would your do say if you left ?

Araminta1003 · 24/12/2023 04:22

Your DDs sound exhausted because of their sleeping arrangement. Can’t they swap with the boys so they get bedroom 6 instead? And the boys sleep in the snug? I would stay until Christmas Day at least.

snowitall · 24/12/2023 04:24

Do NOT leave before Xmas day. That’s a really bad idea and as PP said, you will make a lot of people sad and put an absolute downer on the day. No one has done anything bad to you, it’s just different / outside of your comfort zone. Will be a good lesson to your kids that in life and work sometimes we have to operate outside of our comfort zone.

In saying that, you don’t have to sit around and watch tik tok dances or stay separated into age groups. Take your kids out for a decompression, nice big walk and chance to moan about everyone. Let them come and hang with the adults or suggest some desegregation of the groups.

If you must leave, wait until Boxing Day.

MrsElsa · 24/12/2023 04:39

Someone needs to get "ill" so you can take them home. Some fake vomiting perhaps?

Unfair that the girls don't have their own bedroom and are getting kept up by music like that. But, you can move to a hotel instead?

How far away is it from your home?

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 24/12/2023 04:41

I don’t think it’s a good idea to leave - it will not go down well. However there have been great ideas here as I can see if your daughters are in the snug they have no way of not constantly being involved and surrounded and that would drive me bonkers. Can you get a hotel room till the 26th for you and your DD/DS ( if he wants ) or I agree with others swap room 6 DP son and your son to the snug

Hotel sounds best as you can retreat away when things get to overwhelming and loud

crew2022 · 24/12/2023 04:55

You prefer your style of Christmas and DPs family prefer theirs. There has to be five and take. As others have said stay for Christmas Day and leave on Boxing Day if your DP agrees that is. Otherwise just get through it as best you can and next year do your preferred event. There has to be give and take, and it sounds as if this is a one off.

Sparkletastic · 24/12/2023 05:05

I'd absolutely leave today. I'd probably fabricate some kind of domestic emergency to avoid insulting the hosts.

PyongyangKipperbang · 24/12/2023 05:05

I spent waaaay too many years keeping other people happy and trying to coax unhappy kids through situations that we should have left. They have trusted you by asking to leave, secure that you will listen to them. So be the person they are trusting you to be and take them home.

If your DP doesnt like it then thats a different issue, but still take them.

Maybe a Political Migraine would be a good idea where one DD needs darkness and silence and you dont want to spoil everyone elses time, and the other goes too as she doesnt want you to be a lone while other DD is "ill".

PyongyangKipperbang · 24/12/2023 05:08

I cannot believe the amount of people saying that its ok for the kids to be miserable at Xmas just to avoid offending people who dont seem to care about them!

They are stuck in a room with no privacy, they have no chance to catch up on sleep as there is no room for negotiation on meal times, and they have actively said that they want to leave.

If you would put your kids through that then you are bad parent.

LateAF · 24/12/2023 05:10

During the day your daughters can hang out in bedroom 2 that you’re sharing with your partner whenever they get overwhelmed. They’ve been used to quiet christmases so just give them an escape.

it would be very rude to leave before Boxing Day though since your in laws no doubt have budgeted and catered for your family for this stay, including Christmas dinner.

RiderofRohan · 24/12/2023 05:13

Negotiate with your daughters. Would they be happier if they got a bedroom? In that case, give up your room and sleep in the snug with your partner. Or if possible, get a hotel room, stay until 26th with your DDs, then leave first thing.

I feel for them that they have been dumped in the snug when everyone else seems to have been considered more important and given a bedroom. No wonder they're upset.

LateAF · 24/12/2023 05:13

PyongyangKipperbang · 24/12/2023 05:08

I cannot believe the amount of people saying that its ok for the kids to be miserable at Xmas just to avoid offending people who dont seem to care about them!

They are stuck in a room with no privacy, they have no chance to catch up on sleep as there is no room for negotiation on meal times, and they have actively said that they want to leave.

If you would put your kids through that then you are bad parent.

The time to have thought about not being miserable at Christmas is at the point of deciding whether or not to accept the invite.

the in laws aren’t being rude, they’re just more vibrant and loud than OPs family. OP and her partner have their own private room so the most sensible solution is to lend that room to the girls during the day, or swap rooms with the girls for the rest of the stay.

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/12/2023 05:14

I think you're well within your rights to take your children away. I think you overcommitted and now your children are unhappy.