Leaving family Christmas and taking my children home

[GinLou]

Between my partner and I we have 8 kids, we were never together when they were little so although it's a lot it doesn't always feel like it. We've been together 5 years, his wife passed and my children's dad isn't involved.
Christmas for the last 2 years was all the kids (or those who wanted to come home) at ours for a low key day centred around food and PJs, this is how it's always been. This year his parents are selling their house, it's the house he grew up in and they invited everyone over. It's a large 7 bed but a lot of the adult children have got hotels, but are here from breakfast to gone midnight. There's 26 people all in.
This Christmas is very different to ours, a lot of drinking, TikTok dancing, games, chatter you name it. It's never quiet and definitely not chill. There's also no way to avoid it, there are 3 rooms available in the day the sitting room, the snug and the conservatory. The youngest group 13-18/19 seem to all be pushed into the snug, the adult children 19-26ish in the conservatory/dining room and the adults (partners parents, siblings and the such) in the sitting room. Obviously there's lots of mixing too but this has been the default most of the 2 days so far. It's overwhelming and I'm an adult!!

Tonight 2 of my 3 children came to me (13 and 15) and expressed they aren't having fun they want to go home. DD was crying saying it's too much and she's tired, we are due to be here until the 27th.
I think the issue is they don't know these people, the in jokes, the history etc. lots of mention of partners late wife which makes me uncomfortable and DD said it makes her feel weird.

I called my own mum and told her everything and she suggested we just come home and go there, it will just be them, my sister, her son but they have enough to feed 12 my mum thinks.

I'm so tempted!! I hate all this loud noisy fun, all the games are tedious, TikTok dances make me cringe and I don't feel included.

I haven't spoken to my partner yet, but I'm thinking of suggesting my kids and I leave tomorrow and have a quiet Christmas with my family then we can celebrate together on the 28th when we are all home.
DS is 17 and seems to be having a nice time so I'd ask him if he wants to stay but I know my girls want to go home.

AIBU to be considering this?

It is rude to play music til 2am, and nobody seems bothered about the two girls who are stuck without a bedroom.

There are so many simple adjustments that you could make rather than leaving and being perceived as very rude. Swap room, take some time out, miss breakfast. It’s the last (only?) time you have to do this.

As to the gripe over the bereaved step siblings mentioning their mum, totally unreasonable.

I would do as others have said and get a family room in a hotel for tonight and tomorrow and then leaving boxing day. I think you'll offend them if you leave today.

13 and 15 year olds need their sleep! It's not very considerate if they're being kept awake but maybe people don't realise it's a problem. Could you have a chat to the others and ask them to keep it down? Or swap bedrooms? Take them out today so they get a break. I'd stay for Xmas dinner at least, it'll look rude if you leave before that. Well done for getting through it!!! Sounds like a lot.

I can't believe how many people would glibly lie and get their children to lie. Personally I would not have accepted an invitation for more than Christmas Eve to Boxing Day evening or leaving first thing on 27th but the OP did and now should work out how to deal with it. Swapping rooms with girls seems a good start

Am I the only one imagining the post if she and her children hadn't been invited?

They are being so inconsiderate of your girls. There’s no way I’d make them suck it up for people who aren’t even their family. Surprised by the responses, when so often mumsnet says the new relationship shouldn’t take precedence over the existing children.

Wow! That must be intense - I hope there is plenty of wine! I think it would cause a lot of friction if you left before lunch on Christmas Day but is there a way you could leave in the evening on Christmas Day? Can your girls use your room as a place to go in the day for some quiet time? I don’t think it is unreasonable for your partners children to want to talk and reminisce about their mum as she had died. I would talk to your girls about that and try to make them feel better about it.

Until this, I was thinking that even though it's not your thing, you're committed, it would be rude to leave, just try to take some breaks during the day etc.

But that's madness. Guests should be able to have breakfast when they want and music until 2 so nobody can sleep until then is madness. They're not different hosts, they're bad hosts and they're forcing people to be tired and hungry. Despite all the "mad" games and dancing etc, they're actually really regimented and inflexible and it's making you all miserable. Go to your parents.

It is rude, but OP doesn't appear to have done anything about it. She has her own room but seems happy to let her DD's sleep downstairs in the snug instead of swapping rooms or putting them in with her?

There are so many things that should be tried before saying "fuck it" and going home. Especially because the implications of disappearing now would be huge.

Another suggestion is if your son and partners son are more into staying can they not have the snug instead?

I have to agree.

You can’t always expect to have Christmas ‘your way’. It’s about compromise. So busy Christmas this year, quiet one next year and so forth.

You can't leave before Christmas day, that would be unforgivably rude.

I would give up my room for my children so they could get some sleep if need be. Surely there is some solution (eg they swap with bedrooms 6 or 7 if those boys are part of the partying group).

I find big groups like this stressful and I'd have to retreat to my room or go for a long walk to get away occasionally. I would suck it up for my partner though - this is his family and the last Christmas in his childhood home. It won't be happening again.

lots of mention of partners late wife which makes me uncomfortable

YABU here. Of course they will mention her! She was part of their family. You need to accept that there will always be mentions and reminders of her.

I have had two Christmas that were huge like that at an individual house , tik tok didn’t exist then but I enjoyed it plus it was all DH relatives. But everyone’s different.

You can’t leave it would be incredibly rude, just let the girls use your bedroom.

You have had your Christmas the way you want it in all the years you have been with your partner maybe it is his turn, plus the house is going and if you ever do Christmas again with them go to a hotel. You are being hugely unreasonable not liking them talking about their Mum.

All those saying stay because "rude" need to look at their priorities.

There are other ways to resolve the issues other than leaving. Getting out for a bit of breathing space, swapping sleeping arrangements.

Op and her children are part of a blended family with ILs who have welcomed them into their family and house. Throwing that back in their faces would be rude and likely to cause longer term issues in terms of family harmony.

We don't know the whole story. The ILs would possibly have preferred their biological family to be in the house, step kids in the hotel - but that also seems unwelcoming and rude. They have put step kids first.

There is also Ops son to think about he's having a good time. Op can't exactly leave with just 2 of her kids.

My teens would complain about a family dinner out if they weren’t in the right mood. So I definitely wouldn’t rush home because they’re not enjoying it. The ensuing family rift isn’t worth it.

I’d leave early on the 26th, maybe leaving your DH with the older kids in the hotel and the boy. Take the teens off shopping or sightseeing today. But please don’t leave before Christmas.

Talk to your partner and ask for help for you taking your girls to your parents for a quieter event. Tell them while you love his family, it's overwhelming for you and the girls right now and you're going to take them to your mum's house for the remainder of their Christmas celebration.

If he loves you, he'll help you to exit gracefully.

I'd tell them, " I'm so sorry, the little ones are home sick. So I'm taking then to grandma's. The eldest is staying though. Thank you so much for having us, ive had a lovely time." The mentioning of the children's mum. Is unavoidable, as its their mum. They're never going to stop talking about her. Would your partner drop off the son for you?

Why is it that your daughters are in a room that is often used by others while everyone else is in a bedroom. That in itself is rude to me and inconsiderate to them.

If they can dictate mealtimes, they can dictate quiet hours. That’s bad hosting. Children need sleep too so to assume your daughters should be ok with things when most adults wouldn’t just “go with it” is ridiculous.

I’d see if rooms could be changed, point out politely that your daughters are struggling to sleep due to their placement, and if refused, leave.

It may be seen as rude to leave but it’s not fair to your girls to have to put up with this for days. It’s their Christmas too. A few quiet walks isn’t going to help this when the problem is with their placement and lack of consideration.

The thing is OP's DC probably are an afterthought in this situation.

This Christmas is ALL about DP's family being altogether one last time in the family house. It was nice for OP and her DC to be included. All of this was clear from the start.

There are too many people, for too long in this house. OP now knows her and her family's limits. If she leaves before Christmas, she will be making a massive 'F off' statement to DP's whole family (whether she means it or not). Personally, I don't think it's worth it for 48 hours.

I would try to move your DCs beds into your room and leave on boxing day.

She's tired as breakfast is served at 9.30 and his parents won't negotiate on that and music is still going till 2 in the morning, have to queue to shower etc. it's all chaos!!

Well, I’d leave. Your poor girls.

It sounds exhausting OP but I’d probably stick it out until tomorrow evening. You won’t have to do it next year if the house is sold.
Can you and DP head out for a walk and let your girls chill in your room for a couple of hours?

Sort your dds' sleeping arrangements, make sure they've got somewhere to chill and go home Boxing Day.

Unfortunately children have to learn that they can’t always be happy. Can they spend time during the day in your bedroom? You need to stay for Xmas Day and then go home on Boxing Day. Promise the children treats and a fun time when they get home. Have a second Xmas Day at home. Please don’t upset everyone else by leaving before Xmas Day. Maybe the children will settle down and enjoy themselves.

You don't need to invent illness, you can be nice about the truth. You can say it's wonderful to see everyone and there's obviously a lot of fun in the house, but unfortunately the girls are struggling to sleep in the snug and they're also struggling with the music as they are usually asleep long before then. You don't want them to change their Christmas or anything, so you're going to take the girls off now, but it's been so great to see them etc etc.

Yanbu to leave but ywbu to have started this 2 days ago, madness to think anyone could tolerate being in a big group like that for so long. If you'd plnned to arrive Christmas Eve and leave Boxing Day it would have been tolerable.

So I do think you owe the hosts an apology. You overestimated your capacity for this level of intensity of social contact. You are quite right to leave and go to find some chill but it's a shame you didn't realise sooner that this would be necessary as the last minute changes will cause stress - but it would be wrong to avoid that stress by staying beyond yoir tolerance limit so yes do leave but be apologetic about it.