Leaving family Christmas and taking my children home

[GinLou]

Between my partner and I we have 8 kids, we were never together when they were little so although it's a lot it doesn't always feel like it. We've been together 5 years, his wife passed and my children's dad isn't involved.
Christmas for the last 2 years was all the kids (or those who wanted to come home) at ours for a low key day centred around food and PJs, this is how it's always been. This year his parents are selling their house, it's the house he grew up in and they invited everyone over. It's a large 7 bed but a lot of the adult children have got hotels, but are here from breakfast to gone midnight. There's 26 people all in.
This Christmas is very different to ours, a lot of drinking, TikTok dancing, games, chatter you name it. It's never quiet and definitely not chill. There's also no way to avoid it, there are 3 rooms available in the day the sitting room, the snug and the conservatory. The youngest group 13-18/19 seem to all be pushed into the snug, the adult children 19-26ish in the conservatory/dining room and the adults (partners parents, siblings and the such) in the sitting room. Obviously there's lots of mixing too but this has been the default most of the 2 days so far. It's overwhelming and I'm an adult!!

Tonight 2 of my 3 children came to me (13 and 15) and expressed they aren't having fun they want to go home. DD was crying saying it's too much and she's tired, we are due to be here until the 27th.
I think the issue is they don't know these people, the in jokes, the history etc. lots of mention of partners late wife which makes me uncomfortable and DD said it makes her feel weird.

I called my own mum and told her everything and she suggested we just come home and go there, it will just be them, my sister, her son but they have enough to feed 12 my mum thinks.

I'm so tempted!! I hate all this loud noisy fun, all the games are tedious, TikTok dances make me cringe and I don't feel included.

I haven't spoken to my partner yet, but I'm thinking of suggesting my kids and I leave tomorrow and have a quiet Christmas with my family then we can celebrate together on the 28th when we are all home.
DS is 17 and seems to be having a nice time so I'd ask him if he wants to stay but I know my girls want to go home.

AIBU to be considering this?

I'd stay until after Christmas Dinner, people are being extremely inconsiderate to your girls. They must be exhausted.

Swap bedrooms with them. Tell them they can sleep in as long as they want and get them a bowl of cereal when they wake up.

Take them out on a long walk somewhere quiet today. Let them spend as much time in the bedroom as they want.

Suck up Christmas day and go home on Boxing day.

You don't seem to have done much to make them more comfortable. It's a bit nuclear to cut straight to walking away as Plan A. There is no way that is not going to offend.

I imagine the main thing causing the issues is that your girls can't go to bed before 2am and are then not able to sleep in. Have I read that right. No way is that ok. Surely get that sorted?

If they're like this now, imagine what the drinking and dancing will be like over today and tomorrow!

Leave, fake illness if need be.

did you know there'd be 26 people btw?

This. With bells on.

Agree.with pp, it would be really rude to leave now, I would hold off and go boxing day with an excuse. Let the girls.use your room for quiet time in the day and maybe go out to a park or outdoors somewhere today to have some immediate family time.

I like @Benibidibici suggestion. Could you go home this evening, wake up on Christmas Day to do driving and presents and head back over lunch time tomorrow refreshed? And take some blow up mattresses for your two to sleep in the room with you.

I imagine how overwhelming this is, I would have to sneak off for breaks as I can only manage a day of festivities then I need a rest.

I'd be inclined to leave, but as others have said about the situation you need to compromise as your partner has done so with you.

Can you go for a walk with your 2 today, get some fresh air and have a talk through alternative options?

Talk to your partner and together talk to his parents and tell them that your youngest is getting overwhelmed and needs a break, but you'll be back tomorrow. So long as you tell dp parents it's nothing to do with them and their generosity, your child just needs a break, all will be fine.

It’s a one off, the house will be gone next year, it means a lot to your DP, I’d stick it out u til Boxing Day then make my excuses.

Would your partner be willing to swap to the snug with you so that they can have a bedroom when they need it? This arrangement is going to be exhausting for them if they aren't night owls.

I think re the snug sleeping surely you can say something about that? That at 11-13 they are now too tired from lack of sleep and what’s the solution between everyone?
If the snug is used by younger ones then I would say you would like the snug empty by 9pm and that can loud singing stop by 11pm

I would stay til Boxing Day as it's a big deal to his family. I would swap rooms with the girls so they can sleep. It's too long and physically and mentally uncomfortable for them. Also get them out for a bit and let them stay in the bedroom whenever they want.

Sounds a nightmare, and telling that some of the family are staying at hotels - they've obviously learned from past experiences! It's probably a bit late but any chance of you and yours finding a hotel?

It sounds very overwhelming op and I’m not surprised some of your children feel it’s too much, especially when it’s such a long visit. I would look at taking those who want to go out for a while. The cinema perhaps? Just somewhere they van gather themselves in preparation for the next few days. It would be tricky just to leave and might cause bad feeling.

Swopping chaos for your normal at home chilled Xmas is one thing but swopping it to go and spend with your family is an entirely different thing and would very much been seen as a snub to partners family. If your DC are overwhelmed then the best thing for them is to leave but I think it should be for home and not to your family if that isn't what you normally do.

It sounds horrendous.
I feel for you as that many people, the noise, tiktok dancing, late nights is my idea of hell.
It sounds like you're not enjoying yourself either.
Although I agree it would be rude to leave I'd still leave but it may cause issues between you and your dp, there's absolutely no nice way of leaving in the middle of Christmas without looking like an ungrateful arsehole (I'm an arsehole btw,😁 not you), it's rude whichever way you can dress it up.
From their point of view they've included your family in their Christmas and you want to leave.
When I was younger I'd slap a smile on my face and put up with it but now I'm in my 50s I don't do anything I don't want to do and I don't care what anyone thinks (it's very liberating!)
However, in your position I'd do as pps have suggested, take dd's out today or let them use your room, suck up Christmas day then leave on boxing day morning, explain to your dd's that it would be very rude to leave and offer that compromise.
It would be weird if you leave your ds there so he'd have to go too.
Give them an excuse like dd's have been invited to a party with their friends "you know what teens are like, hate to miss out on a party, we've had a lovely time, thanks so much for including us"
Let us know what you do.
You have my sympathy, it really sounds like my kinda hell.

It all sounds overwhelming to be honest. I think your girls need some space. Give them your room and you sleep in the snug. If they are with people they don’t know that well and that is where they are to sleep, it’s no wonder they are not enjoying it. I’d not leave before Boxing Day. I think that will just cause a rift and lies get caught out anyway. Make a plan to leave on Boxing Day.

So weird that people are so extreme on this thread! I don't think it is bad parenting to help children cope with difficult situations rather than run back to want they want...

There is compromise possible!

Our family Xmas is often like this and my children were not used to it having lived abroad and had a long chunk of no travel thanks to Covid.

When they first experienced the big, noisy, routine-less Xmas in my parents home, I did things with them which gave us all headspace.

Walks/ games/ a small local panto/ a movie/ lots of beach as it is near the coast. I took a couple of cousins/ left mine depending on who needed what. They can know that you want them to be comfortable and happy whilst also knowing that not every situation they will encounter will be comfortable for them.

I think you are being deeply, deeply U to say talking about your partner's wife is making you uncomfortable- again, things can be uncomfortable for you but also a good thing for others.

You are being not just U but plain rude to think you can just run away and smash up Xmas as it has been planned. You would have known it would be hectic, busy, different- how have you prepared for these differences?

If you take them home I'd imagine you DP and family will be really offended and upset and I think they'd have every be right to be.

My ex had a big family who were very friendly and boisterous and had huge gatherings, not in a 7-bed house though, just a small 2-bed flat! Some would stay the night so lots of sleeping bags in every room!

I did a couple of these trips and stayed for no more than 2 days, that was enough. Made easier for me of course that they were all family so our own sons were part of the raucous fun - not outsiders having to conform to another family's ideas and traditions.

The parents may well be relieved to 'lose' a few people. 26 people in a house sounds like utter hell.

I agree that there isn't really a way to leave without offending your hosts. I just feel for these girls, just the thought of being a teenager and having to wait for people I barely know to piss off to bed before I can have any downtime for days on end makes me feel panicky.

I think you need to let them escape to your room during the day and have a proper snooze. Take some good walks to blow out the cobwebs. The problem mainly seems to be the sleeping arrangements they must be exhausted staying up late every night. I’d go home on the 26th though.

I never understand why people agree to huge Christmas get togethers where they will be staying in someone else’s house for a week or longer. Fair enough if you enjoy that sort of thing but to me it seems a big risk. I think a big part of the problem is you arrived so early! I would have agreed from the beginning to only stay from Christmas Eve to the 26th or 27th.

It may offend people if you leave now though you should if your girls are really unhappy. If they can cope for a couple more nights I would stay but start the narrative that you have decided to leave on the 26th because you & the girls would enjoy some quiet time at home.

Sort out the sleeping arrangements so swap with your girls. At least that way they can go upstairs and shut the door to try and get some rest. That's much better than being next to all the noise. I'd try that first and see whether that improves things. I'd also let them have a lie in and take them up aome cereal or toast. Don't make a big deal over it but equally if you are challenged then say they haven't had much sleep over x days due to being in the snug and could do with the rest.

Sometimes we do have to take one for the team but you could have made the transition between a very chilled xmas and a much louder one with people they don't know easier had you booked a hotel. That way they could have retreated back to the hotel when tired and got a decent night's sleep. They also wouldn't have needed to join in the festivities first thing in the morning but could have had a leisurely breakfast and come around before lunch. I don't think you planned this well.

I would take the lead from my kids. If they were really unhappy I'd take them home but I'd be inclined to try the other option first.

Leave. No question.

Poor things must be exhausted, that's not nearly enough sleep for a growing teen (they need a LOT). Can you get a hotel? Or swap so they can at least have a bedroom? It's really not OK to leave them in the snug another night.