Leaving family Christmas and taking my children home

[GinLou]

Between my partner and I we have 8 kids, we were never together when they were little so although it's a lot it doesn't always feel like it. We've been together 5 years, his wife passed and my children's dad isn't involved.
Christmas for the last 2 years was all the kids (or those who wanted to come home) at ours for a low key day centred around food and PJs, this is how it's always been. This year his parents are selling their house, it's the house he grew up in and they invited everyone over. It's a large 7 bed but a lot of the adult children have got hotels, but are here from breakfast to gone midnight. There's 26 people all in.
This Christmas is very different to ours, a lot of drinking, TikTok dancing, games, chatter you name it. It's never quiet and definitely not chill. There's also no way to avoid it, there are 3 rooms available in the day the sitting room, the snug and the conservatory. The youngest group 13-18/19 seem to all be pushed into the snug, the adult children 19-26ish in the conservatory/dining room and the adults (partners parents, siblings and the such) in the sitting room. Obviously there's lots of mixing too but this has been the default most of the 2 days so far. It's overwhelming and I'm an adult!!

Tonight 2 of my 3 children came to me (13 and 15) and expressed they aren't having fun they want to go home. DD was crying saying it's too much and she's tired, we are due to be here until the 27th.
I think the issue is they don't know these people, the in jokes, the history etc. lots of mention of partners late wife which makes me uncomfortable and DD said it makes her feel weird.

I called my own mum and told her everything and she suggested we just come home and go there, it will just be them, my sister, her son but they have enough to feed 12 my mum thinks.

I'm so tempted!! I hate all this loud noisy fun, all the games are tedious, TikTok dances make me cringe and I don't feel included.

I haven't spoken to my partner yet, but I'm thinking of suggesting my kids and I leave tomorrow and have a quiet Christmas with my family then we can celebrate together on the 28th when we are all home.
DS is 17 and seems to be having a nice time so I'd ask him if he wants to stay but I know my girls want to go home.

AIBU to be considering this?

Wait, what?! How the hell did we get onto abuse?

On the other hand, don't tell me. I've enough Christmas stress of my own to deal with.

Happy Christmas everyone.

WTF did I just read?? The inlaws are rigid and don't even allow their own son to feel welcome enough to help himself in his own childhood home. They can't even make tea/coffee/breakfast. They are TOLD when they will eat and drink. As OP said, it's not negotiable. The inlaws are not catering to their guests. They expect their guests to fall into line with their rules. They allow music to be played until 2am where the girls are sleeping.

These inlaws are the worst 'hosts' I've ever heard of on mumsnet. And that's saying something. Praise is something I certainly wouldn't be lavishing on them.

I think these girls might have a bit of a shock coming if they ever move into halls of residence or a house share.

I'm just desperate for OP to come and update the thread now!

I think the problem is the sleeping arrangements- they’ve put the two least suitable people in the room that’s not an actual bedroom, two young girls who will need a retreat, be overwhelmed and need their sleep.

Surely the two near adult males would have been a better choice?

For Christ Sake Just leave with your girls. These are your in-laws. They’re not even related to your kids.
I bet like my in-laws, they only invited your kids to be polite. They don’t want them there.
It’s not a random weekend with the steps where I would be advocating suck it up (Except sleeping arrangements, random step family having access to young women)but it’s Christmas!
Your girls will remember that you didn’t advocate for them.

Sounds full-on Griswold to me. Staying in someone else's house for days at a time is unlikely to end well: you've over-committed in that respect. For their part, the hosting is less than ideal albeit they were kind to include you in their extensive plans in the first place. The constant, raucous, enforced jollity you're having to endure is something a lot of people would find too much: the thought of Tik Tok dancing alone makes me shudder.

I find myself agreeing with both the conflicted positions PPs have presented for staying or going. Not that in your situation, I appreciate, that's going to be much help. I think I might be inclined to go with a compromise solution, perhaps by finding a hotel, giving the girls their own space to escape to, and bailing a day or so early. Or of course, you could just talk to your DP and your in-laws and ask their advice.

What ever you decide to do, though, the one thing you shouldn't do is lie about it. These things have a nasty habit of coming back to bite you on the backside.

It's an awkward one. Hope you manage to resolve things as painlessly as possible.

@SoreAndTired1 Where did you the no tea / coffee from? The details on the breakfast thing isn't clear. If they are serving breakfast, it's quite right that they shouldn't move the time just for 3 people.

On the sexual predation thing - it could be argued that the snug is the safest place. Having the potential for people walk past at any time is kind of a safety net.

I admit I am extrapolating on the tea/coffee bit, but unless OP comes back and clarifies, if they're not able to make their own breakfast, then it seems to me that they wouldn't be able to make their own tea and coffee. I've tried to say it to you a few times, but the point is, there shouldn't even be any time to 'serve' breakfast. They should feel free to make it themselves when it suits them. Why is it so rigid like they're in a dormitory? Why can't their son (and other relatives) make their own breakfast when they want to?

That would be their choice and much older too. Now it's just going along because it suits their mother. No relation to these people at all. Insane to force this upon your kids

If I were hosting, I wouldn't enfore rigid eating times. I'd tell people to feel at home and help themselves to breakfast when they want. I'd have plenty of cereal, milk, eggs, bread, bacon etc in. And let people feel at home and tell them to go for it, don't wait for me to get up. That, is what a gracious host would do. OP's 'host' sounds like a sargeant major. A drill sargeant that enforces people to wait for breakfast until 9:30.

It's probably not that everyone has to have their cereal or toast at a certain time - more like they do a round of bacon butties or a full English at the dining table and the OP means that everyone's up and downstairs being noisy for 9am in anticipation of this hence the lack of lie-in.

What @SecondHandFurniture said. @SoreAndTired1 appears to be jumping to conclusions with no evidence.

OP has said that BREAKFAST IS SERVED at 9.30, and the hosts don't want to push that back - she has not said that they aren't allowed to eat at other times. I think that's more than reasonable - imagine making 20 guests hang around for ages waiting for breakfast because 3 guests wanted a sleep in!

They'd at least have a room where they can have some privacy without random people wandering in and out.

You house shared with 25 other people, didn't have a bedroom and people played music until 2am?

I’d swap the boys around and tell partner to tell his parents that the girls need sleep - they cannot be up that late and then have to be up for breakfast.

One / two nights max in this bunk up set up. I’d be honest thank the hosts so much for their kindness but say your teens are struggling it’s a difficult age etc and slip away. There are so many people there bet they won’t even really notice and probably be quite relieved. It’s not even your family.

With a very full house, some rules are necessary. I've never catered for two dozen, and have no intention of trying, but if I did, I wouldn't want people getting under my feet while I was doing it.

Once again, breakfast should not be 'served'. They aren't in a motel or a boarding school, or prison!!! People shouldn't have to wait until 9:30 to get breakfast. They should be able to HELP THEMSELVES WHEN THEY WANT!

What a bloody drama. I’m sure they can grab a snack but perhaps the host is making a big breakfast at that particular time. I doubt they’re all unequivocally banned from the kitchen.

Sounds like my idea of total hell. You really shouldn’t have agreed to it.

You either stick it out until 26 or get hit by The Mystery Illness.

I would think by served she means something is made ie. French toast, eggs, bacon. Something. I would think if they were banned from the kitchen this would be mentioned.

Some people don’t want a cooked breakfast every day. What if someone just wants a bowl of cereal and a drink?

Then they could probably just ask and get it themselves. A lot of issues here could probably be resolved with some old fashioned communication.