Leaving family Christmas and taking my children home

[GinLou]

Between my partner and I we have 8 kids, we were never together when they were little so although it's a lot it doesn't always feel like it. We've been together 5 years, his wife passed and my children's dad isn't involved.
Christmas for the last 2 years was all the kids (or those who wanted to come home) at ours for a low key day centred around food and PJs, this is how it's always been. This year his parents are selling their house, it's the house he grew up in and they invited everyone over. It's a large 7 bed but a lot of the adult children have got hotels, but are here from breakfast to gone midnight. There's 26 people all in.
This Christmas is very different to ours, a lot of drinking, TikTok dancing, games, chatter you name it. It's never quiet and definitely not chill. There's also no way to avoid it, there are 3 rooms available in the day the sitting room, the snug and the conservatory. The youngest group 13-18/19 seem to all be pushed into the snug, the adult children 19-26ish in the conservatory/dining room and the adults (partners parents, siblings and the such) in the sitting room. Obviously there's lots of mixing too but this has been the default most of the 2 days so far. It's overwhelming and I'm an adult!!

Tonight 2 of my 3 children came to me (13 and 15) and expressed they aren't having fun they want to go home. DD was crying saying it's too much and she's tired, we are due to be here until the 27th.
I think the issue is they don't know these people, the in jokes, the history etc. lots of mention of partners late wife which makes me uncomfortable and DD said it makes her feel weird.

I called my own mum and told her everything and she suggested we just come home and go there, it will just be them, my sister, her son but they have enough to feed 12 my mum thinks.

I'm so tempted!! I hate all this loud noisy fun, all the games are tedious, TikTok dances make me cringe and I don't feel included.

I haven't spoken to my partner yet, but I'm thinking of suggesting my kids and I leave tomorrow and have a quiet Christmas with my family then we can celebrate together on the 28th when we are all home.
DS is 17 and seems to be having a nice time so I'd ask him if he wants to stay but I know my girls want to go home.

AIBU to be considering this?

Your teenagers are sleep deprived. And, well, they ARE teenagers too, so the hump is par for the course. Organise some sort of a bedroom swap so they can withdraw and sleep in. They can have a bit of toast and miss breakfast. And go out for walks so they can withdraw too. But otherwise just suck it up until at least Boxing Day. You, and your kids need to recognise that the world doesn't actually revolve around you. As for references to your partners previous deceased wife just fucking suck that up too, you and you kids too. It was awful for him and his family to lose her, she was clearly much loved, but it doesn't mean that he and they don't love you and your kids any less. This is just one year's Christmas. Make better choices so the next are better.

Can’t the opposite be argued? The world doesn’t revolve around the hosts? The teens have given it a go and it’s not worked out. The hosts have over invited - it’s not personal. Most of us would struggle with that set up for longer than one night. They want the “country house with huge family” fantasy at your kids expense. No thanks.

I really don't understand why some people despise women so much that the idea of a 13yr old girl not wanting random strange men in her bedroom till 2am, and not being allowed either sleep or privacy, is considered "being a little princess."

Extreme misogyny really so ingrained in society, it's terrifying the rage that comes out whenever women articulate the tiniest need for themselves.

If you're in an environment that's toxic or an environment that doesn't suit you then just leave. There's literally no point in playing the martyr. MN is full of threads with women complaining about being miserable in relationships, or hating their friends and feeling really hurt by their behaviour, yet unwilling to simply leave. Work forums like AAM are full of people complaining that their workplace is utterly toxic but they feel that they somehow aren't allowed to quit.

The idea that women HAVE to discuss and negotiate and make a case for why their needs are valid unless their life is actively in danger is just claptrap. You don't need to be in danger to be allowed to put your own needs or your children's' needs first.

I would never stay in a situation that was making me miserable for one minute, unless I absolutely had no choice (caveat, if it was making a loved one happy then I'd be willing to suck it up, that's clearly not the case here). I've walked out on tons of jobs because I know my worth, and I never put up with shit from anyone, and that seems to really scare some people.

No one is suggesting doing a midnight flit, a breezy "kids really struggling with the big crowds and not having a bedroom so we're going to head back now, thanks so much for hosting, please pop over in the New Year!" I leave social events early all the time because I find them overwhelming, but I have decent enough social skills to manage the situation without ruffling anyone's feathers.

There are societal norms or is this news to you?

There is no societal norm that says Thou Shalt Treat Every Situation Exactly The Same. And societal norms that say women should put up and shut up are bad norms and should be demolished.

More women - hell, more people generally - should stop acting like bloody martyrs and getting off on acting put upon. No one actually cares if you stick around for Christmas looking miserable, just do what makes you happy.

I wonder how many saying "tell the kids to suck it up" would go and pick up their kid from a sleepover that they were excited about but that didnt turn out as they thought.

The OP and her kids signed up for one thing, got another and now want to leave. Is that any different?!

Absolutely such nonsense! Different story if was their own precious kids! Never seen my Dh move so fast as when dd2 aged 14 rang him to say she was uncomfortable at a sleepover and could he pick her up.

@gnarlynarwhal You’re latching onto something really minor. This isn’t the main focus of the OP is it

That’s where you are wrong. If you think about it, the other problems can be ameliorated to an extent. Simply swap the older teen boys out of their room for the girls. The boys are not going to be disturbed by a late night unless they are unicorns. Even if the boys have SN, just swap the snug out with OP/DH for the girls if it’s that much of an issue. Adults can cope with such stuff for a few days. But there’s no interest in trying any of this because it’s a really easy mask for the real issue, it’s not really minor, it’s the major issue as that’s the only thing that can’t be overcome by swapping rooms, going out for long walks/drives, going out later for brunch, getting hosts to calm the noise at midnight etc. It really is the main focus.

Oh my goodness. The breakfast thing was given as a reason why sleeping in in the snug isn't possible, because even if half the house has cereal later there are about 14 people coming down for whatever is being "served" by MiL at 9.30.

@SoreAndTired1 OP has said NOTHING about not being able to get food at other times. As a PP pointed out, the issue is probably that everyone else is starving by 9am, and clomping around waking the kids up.

@TheaBrandt I'm not sure that they have really given it a go, though? I mean, I'm not advocating for people martyring themselves, but it sounds like they've not actually tried to come up with any solutions before chucking it all in.

Hi not at all just do it just be truthful and go

Oh wow, haven't been able to catch up on this totally but to clarify some things

• They could eat whenever they want, but the kitchen is right beside the snug so the noise of all the people meant after this point sleeping downstairs was hard by served breakfast I mean cooked breakfast, this had a time as it's too much to be in the kitchen all morning making food. If you didn't want the cooked breakfast or wanted to eat at a different time there were cereal and pastries it wasn't a prison camp but cooked foods were done to a schedule, snack foods and cold foods were available all day.

We did end up coming to my parents, I told DH what they had said and he said if we weren't having a good time we could go, for him this Christmas was more about reminiscing and he understands that's hard to do when you're not part of the history,

@SoreAndTired1
I've just read your posts and you've made some massive inaccurate assumptions. They were not awful hosts by any means and the girls were safe.
Maybe I didn't explain well but by 9/10pm almost everyone was in the sitting room and the girls did go to the snug but it was still too noisy to sleep. From a sexual predator type view they were in the safest place, people walking past, close enough to hear anything untoward. If they had been on the top floor where the boys were they'd have been much less safe.

For food, they did cooked breakfast for those that wanted it at 9.30, the reason being the kitchen isn't large, there isn't enough cookware for people to just go in and out and make when they want. However if you wanted cereal, pastries, fruit, a sandwich, toast etc, this was free all day whenever you felt like it. It's no different to having a set dinner time really which is normal in most households.

I didn't have a nice time but not because of bad hosts which was a pretty cruel thing to say, just too much going on.

Hope you and your girls have a lovely time. Leaving doesn’t need to be a big drama, relationship damaging or even personal. It’s a very full on set up for more than a day or two however lovely the people themselves are. Hopefully the hosts will see it like that.

@GGinLou
Thank god you came back for some clarification!
This thread went south very quickly 🤣
I'm glad you and your DC are out and that your DP understood, phew😅.
Have a lovely Christmas 🎄🎁

Happy Christmas everyone.

Thanks for coming back OP. Glad your hosts didn't take you leaving the wrong way and that you're all more comfortable. Sounds like the best for everyone, which is great.
Hope you all have a lovely day

Well, if you read the op’s update it would seem that I was right about the hosts and you were wrong. Did you see that? I am right. You are wrong. 😂

By the way, this is meant to be tongue in cheek.

Have a great Christmas!

Glad it’s all worked out, op.

Your leaving probably creates a bit of space actually.

Have a peaceful Christmas.

The hosts always were going to be ok, they weren’t awful or bad just understandably indifferent to the OP and her daughters, leaving was fine I don’t get the angst over it and why stay