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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving family Christmas and taking my children home

394 replies

GinLou · 24/12/2023 02:51

Between my partner and I we have 8 kids, we were never together when they were little so although it's a lot it doesn't always feel like it. We've been together 5 years, his wife passed and my children's dad isn't involved.
Christmas for the last 2 years was all the kids (or those who wanted to come home) at ours for a low key day centred around food and PJs, this is how it's always been. This year his parents are selling their house, it's the house he grew up in and they invited everyone over. It's a large 7 bed but a lot of the adult children have got hotels, but are here from breakfast to gone midnight. There's 26 people all in.
This Christmas is very different to ours, a lot of drinking, TikTok dancing, games, chatter you name it. It's never quiet and definitely not chill. There's also no way to avoid it, there are 3 rooms available in the day the sitting room, the snug and the conservatory. The youngest group 13-18/19 seem to all be pushed into the snug, the adult children 19-26ish in the conservatory/dining room and the adults (partners parents, siblings and the such) in the sitting room. Obviously there's lots of mixing too but this has been the default most of the 2 days so far. It's overwhelming and I'm an adult!!

Tonight 2 of my 3 children came to me (13 and 15) and expressed they aren't having fun they want to go home. DD was crying saying it's too much and she's tired, we are due to be here until the 27th.
I think the issue is they don't know these people, the in jokes, the history etc. lots of mention of partners late wife which makes me uncomfortable and DD said it makes her feel weird.

I called my own mum and told her everything and she suggested we just come home and go there, it will just be them, my sister, her son but they have enough to feed 12 my mum thinks.

I'm so tempted!! I hate all this loud noisy fun, all the games are tedious, TikTok dances make me cringe and I don't feel included.

I haven't spoken to my partner yet, but I'm thinking of suggesting my kids and I leave tomorrow and have a quiet Christmas with my family then we can celebrate together on the 28th when we are all home.
DS is 17 and seems to be having a nice time so I'd ask him if he wants to stay but I know my girls want to go home.

AIBU to be considering this?

OP posts:
Lifeasiknowitisout · 24/12/2023 07:30

There’s no easy answer to this.

Only You can decide what you want to do. But there’s an odd undercurrent here. There’s definite judgement.

I think you really need to think about what the issue is. There’s a lot in your posts that suggest you just really don’t like the family. It’s not just a clash of Christmas style is it? Had you never met these people before?

Why is your daughter uncomfortable that the family are mentioning his children’s mother? I appreciate she is tired. But that’s easy solved. When people start getting up she moves to your room. Or you swop and give the girls the boys room.

But a child being uncomfortable at this strikes me as odd. Surely she is mentioned at home? What is it about her name coming up that makes her feel odd?

Are his kids enjoying it? Is he? Maybe you need to have a chat in the new year. Maybe they aren’t happy with a choice of seeing their dad and having a quiet Christmas because his girlfriend prefers it, or not seeing their dad. You might need to look at the whole set up at Christmas if both families are so different. Maybe the last 2 Christmas haven’t been that fun for dp or his kids. Or maybe he feels since he has done your style Christmas for 2 years. You could do his families style Christmas for one year.

But with 8 kids, all getting older, you realise your christmases may not also be chilled and quiet. Not when they all have kids.

It’s not an easy one. But I think. It’s going to lead to further conversations that are needed to have.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 24/12/2023 07:31

Have you left any pets at home? Could you make up a story that you need to get back?

If not, I think the hotel room option is a great idea. And make sure you get out of the house for some quiet time.

Catsknowbest · 24/12/2023 07:36

PyongyangKipperbang · 24/12/2023 05:08

I cannot believe the amount of people saying that its ok for the kids to be miserable at Xmas just to avoid offending people who dont seem to care about them!

They are stuck in a room with no privacy, they have no chance to catch up on sleep as there is no room for negotiation on meal times, and they have actively said that they want to leave.

If you would put your kids through that then you are bad parent.

Agree- sounds like my idea of hell anyway

honeyandfizz · 24/12/2023 07:36

My idea of hell but you accepted the invite knowing the amount of people going. It would be incredibly rude to leave now but if you don't mind that then leave.

AlisonDonut · 24/12/2023 07:36

I wouldn't worry about seeming to be 'rude'. Just go home. You can easily say this is all a bit too chaotic and your girls haven't slept a wink and aren't enjoying it, you are allowed opinions and feelings.

Shoppingfiend · 24/12/2023 07:37

Go for walks, relax through the day in your bedroom. Does no one have head phones? I think going will leave you with long term relationship issues if you are happy to risk that go otherwise see it out. Anyway things might start to quietn down.

Shoppingfiend · 24/12/2023 07:38

Put your DCs on your bedroom floor for a night.

Barleycat · 24/12/2023 07:40

I think you should leave with your girls, why should theirs and your Christmas be ruined? It sounds like a nightmare.

BusMumsHoliday · 24/12/2023 07:41

This sounds like my idea of hell and I can see why you and your daughters are uncomfortable. It's unfamiliar in pretty much every way and they just don't know anyone - and at what can be an awkward age.

That said, I don't think you should leave until Boxing Day. But you could leave then. The visit is way too long.

As everyone else has said, you can mitigate this by getting out the house, getting them their own room, giving them permission to disappear upstairs whenever they like.

I think, at 13 and 15, they are old enough to understand that this is a nice thing they are doing for their stepdad and step sibs, and it's a one off. Not every Xmas will be their ideal and that is ok.

I think you also have to suck this one up, too. You're doing this for your partner who you love. You can make the period to new year exactly how you like Xmas.

WhichIsItWendy · 24/12/2023 07:41

It'll come across very rude to leave now. They have catered for you, to leave now would be a major snub. I think the only way you'll come out unscathed is to have a quiet chat with parents in law and see what they suggest. Explain your child is feeling a little overwhelmed and you're not sure what to do for the best. If they suggest you leaving, then go.

But in reality OP, there are lots of situations us adults and teenagers need to suck up. It's life. You said you'd go, so in my opinion, you should stay and make the most of it.

Whataretheodds · 24/12/2023 07:42

Caspianberg · 24/12/2023 07:09

I think re the snug sleeping surely you can say something about that? That at 11-13 they are now too tired from lack of sleep and what’s the solution between everyone?
If the snug is used by younger ones then I would say you would like the snug empty by 9pm and that can loud singing stop by 11pm

This. And if they want to miss breakfast they miss breakfast. Surely they can grab a bowl of cereal at 11 if they want?

Your/DP's room as a chill out space during the day.

I agree it would be dramatic to leave before Christmas but it would be totally reasonable to say "the girls are exhausted, how can we make this work"?
It doesn't need to be a showdown.

stayathomer · 24/12/2023 07:42

It’s just a very different Christmas but yes sounds so crazy! Very torn as if dh said actually I want to go be with my family for Christmas- it’ll be easier there while we were at my house it’s big me, if he said ‘lets go home’ I’d say yes maybe that’s the way to go. It does sound too much for two more days though … best of luck op, hope you get a good Christmas out of this somehow

rookiemere · 24/12/2023 07:45

It sounds like a large part of the issue is the girls have no quiet space, even at night time and must be exhausted.

Can they swap with the boys for a couple of nights? Or if not can you swap with them?

I think it would be rude to leave now before Christmas but I do really feel for your poor DDs. They would probably be ok with the conversations and reminiscing if they had a good nights sleep.

FlyingCherub · 24/12/2023 07:46

Talk to your partner privately and tell him that your DC are struggling with all the noise/activity and lack of sleep. There has to be a compromise so they can have some better sleep if nothing else, and I don't see the harm in disappearing off with them for a long walk today.

It sounds horrific but at least you know it's the last time if they're selling the house. I think it's a case of suck it up but trying to make it more bearable. And never agree to another Christmas where it's this full on.

LakieLady · 24/12/2023 07:46

I think it would be rude to leave now. Let your kids catch up on some sleep in your room during the day, so they're not so knackered, and maybe pop out and pick up some ear plugs for them if they can't snooze through the noise.

The talking about your DP's late wife is understandable, it's normal to share memories of those who have passed at times like Christmas.

And console yourself with the thought that you'll never have to go through this again. Go home on Boxing Day, that would be fine imo.

brawnthesheep · 24/12/2023 07:47

I’m a little confused? Have you never spent much time with his dc? As they seem to be acting in a way you can’t imagine doing things like tic tock isn’t really location specific, someone uses it or they don’t.

I think it’s really bad form to leave personally, it’s not likely to happen again. Who is playing music until 2am?

Croissantsandpistachio · 24/12/2023 07:48

It's not good parenting to never let your kids experience anything slightly outside of their comfort zone. You've got a really good opportunity here to teach them about asserting their needs and have also probably learned a lesson about getting involved in the planning and how long you stay. I mean there's a whole twitter hashtag (#duvetknowitschristmas) about weird Christmas sleeping arrangements so it's not unheard of.

It is massively U to not want your SCs mum mentioned. Your daughter doesn't get to call that and I would make that very clear to her.

When we have big family Christmases we all go and do separate stuff at times because otherwise it is A Bit Much.

I agree with a PP you need to interrogate this a bit. It sounds like you want to have a flounce because it doesn't all revolve around you and your kids and perhaps it's your partner's turn now.

brawnthesheep · 24/12/2023 07:49

The 3 separate living rooms is surely a good thing, imagine if you were cramped in a small house.

Vinrouge4 · 24/12/2023 07:50

I would leave too. It is his family. You have done your bit. Just go.

RampantIvy · 24/12/2023 07:51

honeyandfizz · 24/12/2023 07:36

My idea of hell but you accepted the invite knowing the amount of people going. It would be incredibly rude to leave now but if you don't mind that then leave.

This.

If you leave now you will sour the relationship you have with your partner's family.

Surely, you knew that a Christmas with a blended family with 8 offspring was never going to be a quiet one?

The options are:

  1. Your girls swap sleeping arrangements with someone else
  2. You find somewhere local to stay and just visit during the day
  3. As a last resort leave, and monumentally offend your partner's family.

I agree that leaving on Bxing Day morning is better than staying until the 27th.

I like socilaising, but even I would find sharing a house for this long with so many people too much. What does your partner say?

Mouse82 · 24/12/2023 07:51

Honestly, I would take them home. They are showing you they're uncomfortable and tired. As adults we get to choose if we stay or go, yet we force our children into situations they have to stay in.

Even worse parenting is forcing a child into a situation they are uncomfortable with and having to suck it up. Gross attitude. Poor children.

brawnthesheep · 24/12/2023 07:52

So weird that people are so extreme on this thread! I don't think it is bad parenting to help children cope with difficult situations rather than run back to want they want..

it isn’t at all, it’s going to happen as an adult so it’s best to learn from experience as a dc. I think it’s bad parenting to run away from difficult situations!

Surely you can mention the noise, I can’t see anyone having an issue with it.

underneaththeash · 24/12/2023 07:52

I think you should just put up with it. Your partner is allowed to choose a Christmas sometimes too.
just go up to your room for a read/go out for a walk if you’ve had enough.

I’d let DD lie in this morning though if she’s tired. Make it non-negotiable!

grumpycow1 · 24/12/2023 07:55

Talk to your partner about it first and see what he suggests. I agree leaving before 26th is potentially rude as they have catered for everyone etc. can the sleeping arrangements be adjusted or a hotel room booked?

grumpycow1 · 24/12/2023 07:55

You get up at 9.30 and let DD go to your bed for a lie in.

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