Leaving family Christmas and taking my children home

[GinLou]

Between my partner and I we have 8 kids, we were never together when they were little so although it's a lot it doesn't always feel like it. We've been together 5 years, his wife passed and my children's dad isn't involved.
Christmas for the last 2 years was all the kids (or those who wanted to come home) at ours for a low key day centred around food and PJs, this is how it's always been. This year his parents are selling their house, it's the house he grew up in and they invited everyone over. It's a large 7 bed but a lot of the adult children have got hotels, but are here from breakfast to gone midnight. There's 26 people all in.
This Christmas is very different to ours, a lot of drinking, TikTok dancing, games, chatter you name it. It's never quiet and definitely not chill. There's also no way to avoid it, there are 3 rooms available in the day the sitting room, the snug and the conservatory. The youngest group 13-18/19 seem to all be pushed into the snug, the adult children 19-26ish in the conservatory/dining room and the adults (partners parents, siblings and the such) in the sitting room. Obviously there's lots of mixing too but this has been the default most of the 2 days so far. It's overwhelming and I'm an adult!!

Tonight 2 of my 3 children came to me (13 and 15) and expressed they aren't having fun they want to go home. DD was crying saying it's too much and she's tired, we are due to be here until the 27th.
I think the issue is they don't know these people, the in jokes, the history etc. lots of mention of partners late wife which makes me uncomfortable and DD said it makes her feel weird.

I called my own mum and told her everything and she suggested we just come home and go there, it will just be them, my sister, her son but they have enough to feed 12 my mum thinks.

I'm so tempted!! I hate all this loud noisy fun, all the games are tedious, TikTok dances make me cringe and I don't feel included.

I haven't spoken to my partner yet, but I'm thinking of suggesting my kids and I leave tomorrow and have a quiet Christmas with my family then we can celebrate together on the 28th when we are all home.
DS is 17 and seems to be having a nice time so I'd ask him if he wants to stay but I know my girls want to go home.

AIBU to be considering this?

@Lifeasiknowitisout yeah there’s a whole lot of subtext

Going against the grain here and saying leave today. Making everyone else happy to not appear “rude” is not a great lesson to be teaching your kids IMO. Sometimes we over commit and things change. Take the girls home today, there is so much going on it sounds like you won’t be missed too much.

Ive done this sort of massive house pastry thing on NYE and it was hell no earth, never again.

I would hang on until first thing on 26th at least. Can’t you find a local landmark to go and visit today? Just say you really want to visit X while you’re in the area, who wants to come along? Then you can have a nice lunch out and be back just in time for dinner. Tomorrow let the kids hang out in your room when they need a bit of peace / a nap

this is sensible advice too!

Making everyone else happy to not appear “rude” is not a great lesson to be teaching your kids IMO.

Its interesting how people read so many situations differently

My eldest DS would want to leave too op.

I'd start by finding out if getting your DDs some personal space would solve the problem and swap rooms with them if so.

If not and they really want to leave, you of course leave. They are dependant upon you.

All those saying stay because "rude" need to look at their priorities.

You can discuss quietly with your hosts and explain politely you've had a lovely time but DDs are finding it a bit overwhelming so your going to head off. Lovely to see them Merry Christmas blah blah blah.

You can't stop them reading something into your actions that isn't there if they're determined to take offence. So 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lots if ideas to try op.

Like the idea of inventing an invite to friends for the kids on Boxing Day, as an excuse to leave then.

Give the girls your room for today and tonight for a start and then have a rethink tomorrow.

I really think it would be rude to leave before Boxing Day.

I’ve had plenty of chaotic Christmass at cousins house, stepfamilies houses. Some better than others! It was good for my childhood to experience a bit of a change

There certainly will be other individuals who aren’t entirely happy or comfortable with the situation

I'd either move their beds into your room or swap rooms with them. That way DH can turf everyone out of snug at 10.30/11pm and say 'bedtime!'. Plus adults can cope with less sleep than teens.

The big issue is if OP stays in the room, there is nowhere for the girls to lie in as the snug is a public area that others are using.

I think it's lack of sleep making them so sad. I was in tears at DSILs after a night on a disgusting saggy old mattress and yellow pillows in their back room and then BIL insisted on getting the room back to himself at 8am in the morning. Premier Inn after that for me.

Move some boys to the snug and let the DDs sleep in your room for most of today and then take them out for a bit. Leave on boxing day .

This! People are being incredibly inconsiderate of the girls. It’s like they’re an afterthought. And what’s with the regimented 9.30 breakfast? Can anyone really be surprised that the girls are so bloody knackered and want to go home?

And leave Boxing Day morning.

I’d stay till Boxing Day, but look at different sleeping arrangement for the girls. Maybe take them for a quiet walk in the day and let them have your room in the day or swap with the boys so they have their own space and can get to bed earlier. Sleep makes the world of difference.

Your two kids are miserable. That's reason enough to leave.

Say they are poorly such a pity nothing to be done.

Just go.. not necessarily to your mum's if you don't want to impose. Pick up a pre cooked chicken/ joint and veg and treats from Aldi or such on way home.

The sleeping arrangements aren't good for your daughters.

But in the day surely everyone doesn't have to be together all of the time?

You can go for a walk or chill in your room if you want?

All those saying stay because "rude" need to look at their priorities.

My priority as a parent is to prepare my children for the real world. This is involved family which to me is very different, what does the DH think, has the OP even discussed it with him.

This isn't really a lesson-teaching situation for me. It's not a few hours at a family surprise party, and given all the kids are already teenagers or adults I don't think there's any need to make your kids stay with your partner's family for days on end and miss out on seeing their own grandma.

I was forced into situations like this on my stepfathers side of the family. Didn't teach me reissuance or anything, just showed that my feelings didn't matter as I was "just a kid". Mum has her regrets these days on how she handled things.

Another one saying you really can’t leave now. they need to know it’s nearly over though.

It's not great that the girls’ ages and needs haven’t been considered. Agree they should be able to retreat somewhere and they need so much sleep at their ages. I vote for a couple of the older ones to give up a room. The ones who are staying up so late.

Make sure that any conversation centres around how kind the hosts have been and all the positive things.

And make sure your girls know you won’t be doing it again!

Just pretend one of you is unwell. Eg covid, sorted.

You and DP need to swap rooms with the girls so they have their own space they can retreat to during the day and so they can get some sleep. It's not surprising they're grumpy if they're exhausted.

But no, you can't just take them home on Christmas Eve and say you don't want to stay anymore. It's incredibly rude and would probably destroy your relationship with your DP's family.

The time to say no was when you were invited in the first place, not Christmas Eve.

I also can't help thinking it would be rude to leave.

It was always going to be challenging staying there for so long with so many people anyway.

There’s so many of them there it’s unlikely the in laws would really be bothered if they left