Leaving family Christmas and taking my children home

[GinLou]

Between my partner and I we have 8 kids, we were never together when they were little so although it's a lot it doesn't always feel like it. We've been together 5 years, his wife passed and my children's dad isn't involved.
Christmas for the last 2 years was all the kids (or those who wanted to come home) at ours for a low key day centred around food and PJs, this is how it's always been. This year his parents are selling their house, it's the house he grew up in and they invited everyone over. It's a large 7 bed but a lot of the adult children have got hotels, but are here from breakfast to gone midnight. There's 26 people all in.
This Christmas is very different to ours, a lot of drinking, TikTok dancing, games, chatter you name it. It's never quiet and definitely not chill. There's also no way to avoid it, there are 3 rooms available in the day the sitting room, the snug and the conservatory. The youngest group 13-18/19 seem to all be pushed into the snug, the adult children 19-26ish in the conservatory/dining room and the adults (partners parents, siblings and the such) in the sitting room. Obviously there's lots of mixing too but this has been the default most of the 2 days so far. It's overwhelming and I'm an adult!!

Tonight 2 of my 3 children came to me (13 and 15) and expressed they aren't having fun they want to go home. DD was crying saying it's too much and she's tired, we are due to be here until the 27th.
I think the issue is they don't know these people, the in jokes, the history etc. lots of mention of partners late wife which makes me uncomfortable and DD said it makes her feel weird.

I called my own mum and told her everything and she suggested we just come home and go there, it will just be them, my sister, her son but they have enough to feed 12 my mum thinks.

I'm so tempted!! I hate all this loud noisy fun, all the games are tedious, TikTok dances make me cringe and I don't feel included.

I haven't spoken to my partner yet, but I'm thinking of suggesting my kids and I leave tomorrow and have a quiet Christmas with my family then we can celebrate together on the 28th when we are all home.
DS is 17 and seems to be having a nice time so I'd ask him if he wants to stay but I know my girls want to go home.

AIBU to be considering this?

It's not just that they're tired, they are not enjoying themselves and they have a right to enjoy themselves at Christmas.

Time for one of the children to start feeling very ill and then quickly making your excuses.

Sympathy OP.
I'm an extrovert and this is my idea of hell.

It was always going to be chaos it's an insane no of people.

your best options are:

1. make adjustments / the best of it and stick it out for 48hrs then make a run for it on boxing Day first thing.... If you do that....

Practical suggestions:

• let them come up to your room for a lie in /skip breakfast OR swap so they have a room.
• take them out for breakfast brunch
• let the girls use your room to escape in the day
• have them take a mid afternoon nap.
• offer to go on a food run
• take the girls out for a walk somewhere just so they can decompress
• alternatively drive somewhere they can decompress
• tell your DP they are young and aren't getting enough sleep. The snug needs to be a bedroom by 11pm latest

2, Get up and out first thing Christmas eve with a fabricated emergency and escape!

• Your mother was burgled / interrupted an intruder and is very shaken
• There was a burst water pipe and she needs help.
• You / your Dad's feel veryyyyyy unwell.

Something compelling and believable.

If you do this though you and your DM will need to lie to the girls too as the truth will likely come out later and there WILL be fallout. The only way this wouldn't be the case is if you can talk openly to your DP and he goes along with the fib....

If they've catered for 26 they won't miss 3 of you. I think it would be ok for you and your DDs to leave with apologies and thanks for their hospitality. Have a word with your partner and see what he thinks.

I understand that it is overwhelming and busy, but you accepted the invitation and it would be incredibly rude to leave before Christmas.

I wouldn’t be making my children lie either.

In future you will know to only stay one or 2 nights max, or get a hotel.

For now, I’d do as others suggest. Let your 2 children sit in your bedroom and read or whatever whenever they need to escape from it all.

Take them out for a walk, or to the shops, or to anything nearby. Just get out of the house for a while.

What time is the meal on Christmas Day? If it’s on the afternoon. I’d leave on Christmas Day after having eaten. If it would be too late to get home I’d leave on Boxing Day morning. It’s only another day. Then you can have quiet relaxing time at home.

Surely just get the girls to go chill in your bedroom when needed. Then leave during Boxing Day. At this point it would be rude.

I’d stay till just after Christmas & leave first thing in AM. Give them your room to take a breather during the day. Speak to your partner too, the boys could swap rooms with the girls.
But I would think it would rude to everyone to leave before Xmas and be hurtful to your partner. This Xmas is obviously a planned out one (maybe didn’t need to arrive so early).

If you agree that you & your kids are well treated but just uncomfortable with level of activity as it’s so different to what you prefer, I honestly would stay till after Xmas. Talk to your girls too..

I won’t say much about the late mum, you and your girls have no right to use her being mentioned as one of the reasons you’d like to leave. Do not encourage this line of thought in your kids either, teach them why their step siblings could be thinking about their own mum at this time of year.

Definitely swap rooms with your DDs so they can go to bed earlier and lie in in the morning. If they miss breakfast it's not the end of the world -- I'm sure you can save them some or make toast without offending anyone if you explain.

Take them out for some fresh.air and a break each day, and consider leaving a day early.

It's your DP's family's last Christmas in their family home so I think it's important to stay and make the best of the situation. Your girls are old enough to understand why. Good luck though!

Yanbu to be overwhelmed but you would be rude to leave.

Girls get your room during the day.

I don't think you can say anything about his deceased wife. That is the other children's mother. Presumably they were quite young or teens when she passed. Why does it make your dd uncomfortable?

I think it would make them feel sad or snubbed if you left right away (as much as I understand, myself and one of my DD would be miserable in all that) so I think if you could handle it til after presents that would work best. You could make up a story about your mother or sister or something m, kind of defer the blame if you will, make it out like someone needs you or DD suddenly got very homesick for your mother? I can't think of anything that makes sense but maybe you can. Just so no one's feelings are hurt. It's not like anyone is wrong it's just overwhelming. But even if you said that feelings would be hurt. It's better to make excuses! YANBU!

Fuck that sounds awful. I can't imagine why you agreed to stay so long in the first place? No need to arrive on the 22nd for Christmas! 24-26th would have been plenty. I couldn't cope with the constant noise and having nowhere to escape to. Your kids are overwhelmed and exhausted. Take them to your mum's. It's going to offend some people but try to frame it that you've had a lovely couple of days together rather than you're not enjoying yourselves.

I think you just have to get on with it now to be honest. The kids are old enough to try to appreciate that not all Christmases are the same. Let them have your room during the day to chill out and let them skip breakfast if they want to. It would be rude if you left. And it wouldn’t be forgotten I imagine. If it’s too loud just go out for a walk or do something quiet elsewhere. Or swap to get a hotel room so you can get some peace and quiet. Just jumping ship because it’s not exactly what you’re used to isn’t teaching resilience

Agree with the deceased wife thing you cannot say anything other than "it sounds like you made some lovely memories in Santorini" or whatever or alternatively just nodding & smiling your way through.

This Christmas is a "closing out " ceremony for that family and you & your kids were always going to be a bit "outside looking in"

Sounds very full on and for far too long a stay too. As others mentioned, I'd get one of the kids to fake an illness and make your apologies but you need to take them home

I would stay as feel it would be rude to leave . Although I'd probably leave Boxing Day. I'd offer your room to your dd to chill out in quietly or encourage them to go out for a walk.

OP I totally understand. Like you we always had a quiet Christmas growing up and now. My couisins always had the big boozy loud christmasses which horrified me.

but I would still stay until Boxing Day. You neee to let the girls use your bedroom during the day - is there an iPad or something they can use to watch films etc? It’s totally ok and normal to need a break from people.

Too many people for too long. 2 to 3 nights is the max time you should stay somewhere in a shared living space.

As they are selling up and this is literally the only /last time this will happen I would be inclined to stick it out till boxing day.

If it's unbearable, one of your lot might consider covid or sickness bug symptoms. You would need to leave asap as you wouldn't want to cause a super-spreader event.

Your children haven’t been provided with a place to sleep if there is socializing going on in their sleeping quarters past a decent hour. They should be able to go to bed as early as they want, even if they just feel like turning in early to read and have some peace and quiet.

leaving completely is problematic, so I would look to rearrange. Can you move to a hotel? Can you move the girls to your room? If neither is possible, then yes, I would leave.

If she's going to leave on Boxing Day, she might as well leave now.

With you being very much grown ass adults and together only 5 years and with no shared children, I think your partners family were very kind to include and invite you all to what is for them a sort of a closing out event. Hindsight is a great thing but I have no idea why you didn't just have your partner and his children go and you guys stay home. But as you did and as the mistake is largely yours I think you have to suck it up and not be rude and stay until at least Boxing Day. I would be straight with my children and apologise and try and put in place all the excellent suggestions and then just get on with it as best you can. It's not the end of the world, but now you know better for the future. No way would my teenagers want to be ANYWHERE else other than their own home or an actual holiday for that length of time, it is far too long to spend in others peoples house even if they were your nearest and dearest.

Op I think it would be really rude to leave before Boxing Day.
However I'd get the kids out the house today. Go and do something, ice skate, swimming, cinema, church service anything just give them a break from the chaos.
And yes let the girls chill out in your room or if they want an early night swap rooms.

You can't ban talk of the other kids mum. She'll always be their mum. And she'll have been a huge part of the extended family too.

Don't leave OP this'll set of a chain of bad reactions and you'll be one that talked unkindly off for bailing out.stay until 25th leave 25th evening or 26th morning explaining from today that plans have changed slightly and your fitting a quick visit in to your mum's. Give dd downtime by taking her out for abit go for a long walk or something just 3 of you.

I'm presuming his late wife was a valued nd very loved member of the family so get over her being talked about,that's the norm, her memory isn't and shouldn't be an affront to you both.

How far away is home?

Could you go home for Christmas eve, let them have a day off from all the step family noise & bustle, and sleep in their own beds & have stockings at home, then return at 10ish christmas morning?

Yep you need to stay until boxing day. Swap some rooms around or can the girls sleep on your/partners floor, assuming some sort of ready bed scenario? Generally I think the youngest get the upstairs rooms and adults sleep on the floor downstairs as they'll be up later!

It sounds like you & partner need to assert yourselves a bit better- you can't expect his family to have set up everything according to your wants and likes.

Christmas Eve we usually get out the house anyway so fabricate the urgent need to go for a long walk/get some last minute gifts etc rather than being cooped up and do the same on Xmas day. They're old enough to understand that all families do things differently (when we were teens we used to go to my dad and SM house some years which was very different but, erm, tough if we didn't like it). Presumably your partners feelings will be very hurt if you leave now as this 'last big Christmas' will be a big deal to him. And let him manage his parents if they are upset about missing breakfast etc.

I wouldn't leave yet- it would be quite rude.

I think someone needs to swap bedrooms, though. At the very least, using your room during the day is a good suggestion. It's not fair that your kids are sleep deprived. And get yourself some pastries or something so that you can have your own separate breakfasts.