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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at the reason I was not invited

213 replies

Yorkiepud2614 · 23/12/2023 21:18

Hello
I just need some outside perspective on this issue because it’s caused a little bit of a rift between me and my partner.

My partner of 2 years has been asked to be best man at this best friends wedding (taking place 3 hours south of our home).

We waited for the proper invites but after hearing that his friends had got theirs (we assumed ours were just lost in the post) my partner called up to double check the dates so we could book a hotel room.
He was then informed that I was not actually invited to the wedding. Partner accepted this but I was a little hurt.

This was just over two months ago and my partner has just met up with the groom (he lives about an 8 hour drive away) and the groom confessed I wasn’t invited because my partner had left the grooms granny’s funeral after spending four hours there to join me at a local music festival (these tickets had been his Christmas present) and also because my partner did not fly down to see the groom on this birthday.
He couldn’t afford the flights (weekend in summer) as we had a wedding in Rhodes a few weeks later.

im quite sad that my partner is still going to be best man at this wedding after the reasons given for me being the only partner excluded.

should I pull on my big girl pants and get over it?

OP posts:
ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 24/12/2023 08:18

That's quite the drip feed OP

OrigamiOwls · 24/12/2023 08:18

Now that's a drip feed...

thelastrose · 24/12/2023 08:21

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/12/2023 08:12

Plus if you and bride get on well and do Disney things with kids surely you are friends with her as well

She has met the groom three times. Presumably, the bride, the same, or less often. They came to something for the OP's birthday and the bride and she had Disney in common. It seems to me they do not particularly like her.

No-one on this thread knows what role the groom's grandmother played in his life. Presumably, as he wanted his oldest friend at her funeral for support, she played a larger role than the OP has dismissively referred to. Then his oldest friend misses his birthday, because of plans with OP.

Perhaps they feel she has pulled the groom's oldest friend away on several occasions, and would do the same on their wedding. (Plus where is her child fitting in with all this? Who is going to look after OP's daughter if OP is invited to travel 8 hours away for this wedding?)

zeldazoo · 24/12/2023 08:21

Now thats how to do a drip feed 🤣

Original poster
Yorkiepud2614 · 24/12/2023 08:24

I didn’t really want to write that on the internet for fear the bride would ever see it. But yeah, it could be a contributing factor. Sorry, I really should have included it from the start.

OP posts:
mangochops · 24/12/2023 08:24

Hmmm, you don't have to be miss Marple to work this one out then after that update 😜

Original poster
Yorkiepud2614 · 24/12/2023 08:24

I have no trouble arranging childcare. She’s 12.

OP posts:
Lifeasiknowitisout · 24/12/2023 08:24

Yorkiepud2614 · 24/12/2023 08:16

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to reply.

I’ve now absolutely accepted that they just don’t like me and panicked when asked to give a reason they didn’t invite me.

I don’t for a second believe my partner has bad mouthed me so that’s the only other explanation.

I guess the groom may feel uncomfortable with me considering the first time I met him I saw him kiss someone who wasn’t the bride.

Really?

That huge drip feed? Honestly. The fact that you think they don’t like you, but barely know you and it couldn’t possible be your dps fault despite most of what they know about you will be from him. But he also is going to go to the wedding, showing he isn’t a great partner.

Now you say the first time you saw him he cheated on her. But spent the whole thread saying you don’t know the reason they wouldn’t want you there. Yet they have seen you twice since and he didn’t avoid that. But now it’s an issue. It’s clearly not that is it.

He would just avoid you completely.

I guess ‘I am not invited to Dps friends wedding. They made excuse for the lack of invite but I think it’s because I saw the groom kissing someone else’ would have been a fairly short thread with less attention on you.

thelastrose · 24/12/2023 08:26

Yorkiepud2614 · 24/12/2023 08:24

I have no trouble arranging childcare. She’s 12.

But you said:

i did not stop him going to London, nor did I force him to leave a funeral (which I did not attend as i had never met the grandmother and didn’t want to ask someone to look after my daughter,

Original poster
Yorkiepud2614 · 24/12/2023 08:27

There’s a difference, for a wedding I would ask someone to look after my daughter. To go to a funeral for someone I don’t know. I would not ask someone.

OP posts:
Lifeasiknowitisout · 24/12/2023 08:29

Yorkiepud2614 · 24/12/2023 08:27

There’s a difference, for a wedding I would ask someone to look after my daughter. To go to a funeral for someone I don’t know. I would not ask someone.

You don’t only go to funerals because you know the person.

Or at least that how it is for a lot of people. You go to support the family.

GRex · 24/12/2023 08:31

The reasons given by the groom are pathetic. 4 hours at a non-family funeral is fine (though why your DP was giving out about a concert is confusing, just "thanks for having me, take care" is usual) and nobody desperately needs one particular mate at their birthday. You don't know them, you don't have any reason to like them, so why on earth you would be upset at not going to their wedding baffles me; have you never known anyone to marry without inviting you before? You met them 3 times, they are strangers! Then your drip feed about seeing the groom kiss someone else just seems goady at this point, why would your DP not have challenged his mate if that were the reason?

wronginalltherightways · 24/12/2023 08:39

StBrides · 24/12/2023 00:12

So, possibly your partner has been blaming you in a chauvinistic way this whole time...

I'd still have expected an invite

Apparently he'll have more fun without you(!)

Tells you everything. Either your partner had bad mouthed you behind your back or his friend took a dislike to you all along and had been two faced.

Regardless of how complicit your partner is, we know a few things for certain:

  • He's a coward, who lacks skills to handle conflict (doesn't bode well for your future), he can't or won't stand up to his friend,
  • He doesn't respect you or he'd never let his friend talk about you that way,
  • He values the friendship more than you,
  • He is most concerned with how he appears to his friends above anything else, which indicates poor self esteem (backed up by the fact that he won't relinquish the best man role in order to stand up for you,
  • He has low to zero emotional intelligence

...I'm sure there's more If I think about it. What a real catch he's turned out to be.

Someone once told me that you can learn a lot about a man from his friends and that you need to like & respect his friends for the relationship to work. I learned the hard way how true this is.

You deserve better, op.

I cannot like the above enough.

OP, I hope you've read the above a few times.

EmptyYoghurtPot · 24/12/2023 08:44

Well that was an Eastenders duf duf moment!
Does the groom know you saw him cheating? Who with? Does your DP know?

GothConversionTherapy · 24/12/2023 08:49

thelastrose · 24/12/2023 07:42

Isn't the bride a woman, too? Doesn't she get a say who attends her big day?

Show quote history

Sorry to burst your MRA bubble but the OP gets along well with the bride, it's the groom who doesn't want her there 🙄🙄
Thanks for illustrating my point though. If you're a woman your comment is a great example of internalised misogyny, get some self respect.

thelastrose · 24/12/2023 08:50

OP happy to sit back and let her "D"P be accused of all sorts of heinous attitudes and motives, but neglects to mention alternate reasons for her lack of invite.

He's a chauvinist,
He's been badmouthing you all this time,
He doesn't respect you,
He's a coward, etc etc.

thelastrose · 24/12/2023 08:51

GothConversionTherapy · 24/12/2023 08:49

Sorry to burst your MRA bubble but the OP gets along well with the bride, it's the groom who doesn't want her there 🙄🙄
Thanks for illustrating my point though. If you're a woman your comment is a great example of internalised misogyny, get some self respect.

Show quote history

Gets along well with this woman she has met less than three times, who was perhaps just making polite conversation at the OP's birthday celebration?

Anyway, do catch up on the OP's posts/dripfeed. Alternate reasons for the lack of invite have ever so slowly appeared.

GothConversionTherapy · 24/12/2023 08:52

I did see the drip feed, still the groom's fault unless you're blaming the woman he kissed.

burnoutbabe · 24/12/2023 08:52

thelastrose · 24/12/2023 08:50

OP happy to sit back and let her "D"P be accused of all sorts of heinous attitudes and motives, but neglects to mention alternate reasons for her lack of invite.

He's a chauvinist,
He's been badmouthing you all this time,
He doesn't respect you,
He's a coward, etc etc.

Or the fact that after a chat she was invited!!

So he did stand up for her. Maybe he gave her a silly reason why she wasn't invited in the first place to deflect a more hurtful one (who knows the groom may well think her a lousy drunk but boyfriend said he'd endure no hassle)

Main thing is he did challenge it and an invite appeared.

mangochops · 24/12/2023 08:53

thelastrose · 24/12/2023 08:50

OP happy to sit back and let her "D"P be accused of all sorts of heinous attitudes and motives, but neglects to mention alternate reasons for her lack of invite.

He's a chauvinist,
He's been badmouthing you all this time,
He doesn't respect you,
He's a coward, etc etc.

Or, the most obvious reason which is she caught him kissing another woman before his wedding.

That's kind of the most likely lol

Lifeasiknowitisout · 24/12/2023 08:54

@Yorkiepud2614 So you saw him kissing someone else the first time you met.

But also, you also said that you had met him 3 times and all the interactions were positive?

What was positive about you seeing him cheating on his girlfriend?

and it didn’t occur to you or dp that this may be the issue? Or does your dp not know but now you are going to drop this bombshell on him, in an attempt to stop him going?

EmptyYoghurtPot · 24/12/2023 08:57

GothConversionTherapy · 24/12/2023 08:52

I did see the drip feed, still the groom's fault unless you're blaming the woman he kissed.

Plot twist - the OP is the woman he kissed?!

SisterhoodNotCisterhood · 24/12/2023 09:16

Look at the future your relationship has. Do you see you two getting married? And if so, will you be able to handle the fact that the best man of your wedding will be someone who doesn't actually like you? (for no bloody reason either!) And then sitting watching the proceedings is his wife who also dislikes you?

You say your OH would never badmouth you but do you really, truly think he didn't cite you as the reason he had to leave early? (Although 4 hours is more than enough for a funeral) or the fact that he couldn't attend the birthday because you were wanting to go to a wedding and he couldn't afford both so was choosing what YOU wanted over his mate?

BM1989 · 24/12/2023 09:17

F*ck em! There opinion of you is not your problem. It will be another exspensive waste of a day and at least you know now they dont want you there - its better than being invited and unwanted.

Book something now to do thats all for you and forget about it.

Princessbananahamock · 24/12/2023 09:20

I suspect the comment about you’ll have a better time without her is something more,it would raise big red flags to myself. Perhaps the groom will be introducing him to single women much better suited to the grooms idea of a partner iyswim. If I were your partner I would decline in my opinion that friendship is dead. You being ostracised should be the end.