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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at the reason I was not invited

213 replies

Yorkiepud2614 · 23/12/2023 21:18

Hello
I just need some outside perspective on this issue because it’s caused a little bit of a rift between me and my partner.

My partner of 2 years has been asked to be best man at this best friends wedding (taking place 3 hours south of our home).

We waited for the proper invites but after hearing that his friends had got theirs (we assumed ours were just lost in the post) my partner called up to double check the dates so we could book a hotel room.
He was then informed that I was not actually invited to the wedding. Partner accepted this but I was a little hurt.

This was just over two months ago and my partner has just met up with the groom (he lives about an 8 hour drive away) and the groom confessed I wasn’t invited because my partner had left the grooms granny’s funeral after spending four hours there to join me at a local music festival (these tickets had been his Christmas present) and also because my partner did not fly down to see the groom on this birthday.
He couldn’t afford the flights (weekend in summer) as we had a wedding in Rhodes a few weeks later.

im quite sad that my partner is still going to be best man at this wedding after the reasons given for me being the only partner excluded.

should I pull on my big girl pants and get over it?

OP posts:
Whattodo112222 · 23/12/2023 21:29

His friend doesn't sound like he likes you much OP.

I would be hurt too, your partner should've stood up for you.

Original poster
Yorkiepud2614 · 23/12/2023 21:30

oh yes. When they had had the chat about why he had chosen not to invite me there was a u turn and I was then invited. As you can imagine, I declined.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/12/2023 21:30

Yorkiepud2614 · 23/12/2023 21:27

He said he doesn’t want to spoil a life long friendship. He and I have different definitions of friendship apparently

Cross posted with the op rendering tbr question useless

zurala · 23/12/2023 21:30

Yorkiepud2614 · 23/12/2023 21:27

He said he doesn’t want to spoil a life long friendship. He and I have different definitions of friendship apparently

I don't think there's any future for you with this man given that he won't stand up for you.

StrawberryWater · 23/12/2023 21:30

I guess you now know where you lie on your boyfriend's priority list.

Greenpolkadot · 23/12/2023 21:31

What a wierdo.
So you aren't invited because he left a funeral early..
Absolute fucking freaks

Original poster
Yorkiepud2614 · 23/12/2023 21:31

Yep. And I can’t get it to sit right in my head. I can’t come to terms with the fact he didn’t stand up for me.

OP posts:
hedgehoglurker · 23/12/2023 21:32

It sounds like a DP problem and that your partner used you as an excuse on those occasions, so they are "punishing" you now.

I had this as well, except I was actually invited but it was rescinded as my ex used to blame me for everything.

As it turned out, they were really supportive to me in a really tough time and our friendship outlasted theirs with him, as they discovered what he was like.

Changingplace · 23/12/2023 21:33

I’m not sure how the groom/couple have made any of this your fault - if your bf doesn’t stick up for you I’d seriously reconsider your relationship.

EmptyYoghurtPot · 23/12/2023 21:33

Four hours is a reasonable amount of time to spend at a funeral.
Lots of people would only be able to afford one trip in a short space of time.
There has to be more to this as these are pathetic excuses.
How do you get on with the bride?

MargotBamborough · 23/12/2023 21:33

Utterly bizarre behaviour to want to punish your friend for these things by not giving him a plus one but still have him as your best man. That's a really weird friendship dynamic. In his shoes I'd duck out of being best man and not go to the wedding. But if this is his best friend then I can understand why that might not be an easy thing to do.

Kitkatcatflap · 23/12/2023 21:34

What a petty and spiteful groom. Does he have form for this?

If the numbers were tight and they did the cheesy 'no ring, no bring' thing, I would say - their wedding, their choice but actively punishing you for you partner's choices is mean and your partner's acceptance of it makes him weak. It would be giving me the 'ick' to be honest.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 23/12/2023 21:35

It might very well be that your Dp has used you as a reason for a few things.

’I have to leave the funeral. If I don’t she will get moody’

’i can attend your him birthday. She is making it difficult for me’

It might be that your dp has given them an impression of you that makes you sound abusive and controlling.

Olika · 23/12/2023 21:35

I cannot believe your partner isn't having your back. That would be a big problem for me in a long run.

Original poster
Yorkiepud2614 · 23/12/2023 21:36

Get on with the bride absolutely fine. We are both big Disney fans and I had them round on my birthday last year and everyone got on great.
TBF because they live in England and we in Scotland I’ve not met them that often but last time I saw them was after these two incidences and they were both lovely to me.
this was before my partner was told I wasn’t invited.

OP posts:
ofestivetree · 23/12/2023 21:36

He should have pulled out and told the bride not to marry him as he's toxic

Holidayhell22 · 23/12/2023 21:38

Your dp sounds spineless.
If he goes I would not make any effort what so ever with his friends.
Don’t invite them to any events and certainly don’t ever put yourself out to see them.

GogoGobo · 23/12/2023 21:38

Perhaps your partner has told his friend you were the reason he had to leave the funeral early. What was your response to your partner when you found out the funeral clashed with the music festival?
I suspect there was more to it than you DP working completely solo on how he would deal with the clash.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 23/12/2023 21:39

Iloveacurry · 23/12/2023 21:22

This.

Show quote history

Definitely. I've heard of bridezilla, but a groomzilla is a new one on me; especially one getting pouty because DP didn't rush to groom's side on groom's birthday.

And four hours at a funeral isn't enough??

Ponoka7 · 23/12/2023 21:40

He isn't a partner, he doesn't have your back. When he found out that you wasn't invited, he should have asked why and given the reasons, bowed out and reconsidered the friendship. The only reason he wouldn't do that is because he sees the relationship with them more long term than with you.

EvilElsa · 23/12/2023 21:41

I'd be embarrassed to ask someone to take a role as important as best man and not invite their long term partner for such idiotic reasons. It's so weird. I also wouldn't accept an after thought invite now, it would be too awkward. I think its up to DH if he wants to continue his friendship, but I'd not be partaking in future social events with them.

Original poster
Yorkiepud2614 · 23/12/2023 21:41

I consider myself deeply fortunate that I’ve not been to many funerals so I have no idea how long they are meant to last. Apparently she was v religious and even the church service was over 2 hours long.

OP posts:
Phonedown · 23/12/2023 21:42

I think this would be a deal breaker for me.

He hasn't at any point stood up for you. Even when his friend said he'd have a better time without you. If that was said to my partner there is no way in hell he would go and he would have absolutely said something.

Not only did your partner not stick up for you, but he told you what his friend said. So basically he has chosen to allow his friend to bad mouth you, done nothing about it, and then told you what was said. I can only see this as either absolute stupidity or a form of negging. Does he try to undermine your self-esteem in any other ways?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 23/12/2023 21:42

All the ones I've been to were service at the crem and a wake. Two hour tops. I haven't been to the funeral of any friends' grandmothers either, do they go back a long way?

Rocknrolla21 · 23/12/2023 21:43

Lifeasiknowitisout · 23/12/2023 21:35

It might very well be that your Dp has used you as a reason for a few things.

’I have to leave the funeral. If I don’t she will get moody’

’i can attend your him birthday. She is making it difficult for me’

It might be that your dp has given them an impression of you that makes you sound abusive and controlling.

This is definitely very likely. I’ve been nc with my in-laws for the same reason. My mil is a complete fucking lunatic. One small example is she booked theatre tickets for a show that ran from 8pm-11pm for my 2yo dd that had come out of hospital the day before for bronchiolitis, she’d been on a ventilator for a week. Instead of dd’s dad asking ‘mum, wtf are you actually thinking’, he said ‘I’m so sorry, rock’n’rolla said you’re not allowed to have her so she can’t go’ 😡completely ruined our relationship to save himself some aggro