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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset at the reason I was not invited

213 replies

Yorkiepud2614 · 23/12/2023 21:18

Hello
I just need some outside perspective on this issue because it’s caused a little bit of a rift between me and my partner.

My partner of 2 years has been asked to be best man at this best friends wedding (taking place 3 hours south of our home).

We waited for the proper invites but after hearing that his friends had got theirs (we assumed ours were just lost in the post) my partner called up to double check the dates so we could book a hotel room.
He was then informed that I was not actually invited to the wedding. Partner accepted this but I was a little hurt.

This was just over two months ago and my partner has just met up with the groom (he lives about an 8 hour drive away) and the groom confessed I wasn’t invited because my partner had left the grooms granny’s funeral after spending four hours there to join me at a local music festival (these tickets had been his Christmas present) and also because my partner did not fly down to see the groom on this birthday.
He couldn’t afford the flights (weekend in summer) as we had a wedding in Rhodes a few weeks later.

im quite sad that my partner is still going to be best man at this wedding after the reasons given for me being the only partner excluded.

should I pull on my big girl pants and get over it?

OP posts:

OhcantthInkofaname · 24/12/2023 04:03

I think your DP blamed you for those instances and then had to back track to his friend. He just didn't want to tell you.

Lookingforbikestorage · 24/12/2023 04:08

Sounds a bit rubbish, and odd reasons for not inviting you initially to their wedding - though perhaps they could only invite a limited number of people and when put on the spot about why you got the cut felt that they had to come up with some reasons. I suppose your question is how much do you want to rock the boat? It is tricky granted but these are friends who you don’t see very often from the sound of things and need not going forward. In terms of your partner’s actions, sounds a bit tricky for him too to be honest.

Muchof · 24/12/2023 05:05

Cerealkiller4U · 24/12/2023 01:00

I had this happen to me. I was due to be at the wedding but we were let down last min by family and I couldn’t get a sitter. I thought being the best man the groom and bride might say oh gosh. Seeing as you’re so stuck being the little ones along. But nope

the entire weekend. The entire wedding. For 3 days I was stuck at home. I put that I wasn’t able to go because of the kids not having someone to look after them and my husband told me I’d upset people and that I had to take it down

i was awful to my husband for the 3 days but I was just so so so upset that they didn’t really care about him or me…..

when it came to our wedding they asked to bring their kids. I wanted to say no but my husband wouldn’t do it and so they all came. Was very uncomfortable and I hated it.

The only bit that is similar is that you have a husband / partner that doesn’t stick up for you, he should have said no to their children coming to your wedding. But as to the rest, it was not the bride and grooms fault you couldn’t find a sitter and putting it in social media was very childish.

Esmerelda2024 · 24/12/2023 05:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

shearwater2 · 24/12/2023 05:28

They sound pathetic. I wouldn't mind if DH went but would make him fully aware of how rude and unreasonable I thought they were if that is really their reason.

Walmu · 24/12/2023 05:52

OP, did you hear these reasons first hand?
Sounds a bit made up

autienotnaughty · 24/12/2023 05:56

I'd be fine if say no partners in this friendship group were invited. But the reason he gave Is ridiculous and your dp should have called him out on it. It was your dp choice to leave the funeral and to not visit on his birthday. (Which is a weird expectation btw)

If it was me and my partner was excluded for a reason like that I wouldn't attend either.

Starryskies1 · 24/12/2023 06:11

I would be concerned in your position. The bigger issue is why doesn’t your partner have your back. Why does his friend think it’s ok to bad mouth you in this way. Is your partner allowing it.

mangochops · 24/12/2023 06:30

Yorkiepud2614 · 23/12/2023 21:26

He gets angry and upset whenever it is bought up. He says he wishes he had handled it differently when he first found out.

He also said the groom told him “you’ll have a better time without her anyway”. which made me feel shit, as I consider myself a fun person and would have loved to see all his friends again. We all had a great time at the wedding in Rhodes (another from the friend group).

I wouldn't allow any of my "friends" to be so disrespectful of my partner- but then, they wouldn't do that as they're not massive bellends in the first place.

If your partner won't stand up for you now, when will he? Supposing they slag you off at the wedding- will he just sit there completely mute accepting it?

FloofCloud · 24/12/2023 06:40

LoudSnoringDog · 23/12/2023 21:28

How old is the groom?? 12??

pathetic

Exactly this! He's being a spoilt little child and I can't believe he's even TOLD your partner because it sounds so ridiculous! Everyone will ask your DP where you are at the wedding, what will he say? Oh it's because groom feels I have another person on my life, Is jealous act acting like a spoilt petulant child

Don't split up with your DH because if this, the man child best friend would LOVE this!

Mikimoto · 24/12/2023 07:05

I think the "reasons" given are so random that it's just to gloss over the fact that they don't actually like OP and don't think they will bring any weddingy atmosphere.

Louise303 · 24/12/2023 07:22

The groom is holding a grudge against you your partner knows this and yet he is still going to be best man. I do not see what the problem is he attended the funeral so he cannot complain. He expected your partner to prioritise his birthday over an event he was going to with you which is crazy. I would feel very hurt if it was me and my partner went especially as he knows how he feels about you.

Louise303 · 24/12/2023 07:30

Why would your partners friend think he would have more fun without you? what has your partner told him for him to think this.

AnneValentine · 24/12/2023 07:33

Yorkiepud2614 · 23/12/2023 21:31

Yep. And I can’t get it to sit right in my head. I can’t come to terms with the fact he didn’t stand up for me.

There’s a reason you’re being blamed. Look at your OH. He’s doing the classic “ball and chain”.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 24/12/2023 07:40

Yorkiepud2614 · 23/12/2023 23:10

I have written everything that’s happened here. I have met him on 3 occasions and had nothing but positive interactions.
if I had done anything to warrant being excluded I would not be upset about it.
I understand that this whole situation is hard to believe. That’s why it’s bothering me enough to ask the internet it’s opinion.

i did not stop him going to London, nor did I force him to leave a funeral (which I did not attend as i had never met the grandmother and didn’t want to ask someone to look after my daughter, we went to the music festival without him then met up later).

Edited

I think you are missing the point.

No, you may not to blame for those things.

But you don’t know what the friend has been told.

People here talking about funerals being less than 4 hours. I come from a large family. I have never attended one where people are leaving after 4 hours. Between the church and the burial it’s well over 2 hours. By the time you get to the funeral tea, it would be easily 3 hours.

Your dp, potentially, showed his face at the funeral tea and then left quite quickly. And probably blamed you. From his friends point of view, his best friend left on a difficult day because the girlfriend did bigger attending and went to a music festival instead the. Pressured his friend to leave and join her there.

You may not have actually done anything to warrant the reaction. That doesn’t mean the story told to the friend is completely different and from his point of view, you have.

The fact that the friend thinks he would only have fun if you aren’t there, suggests you have no clue what your dp says about you. He clearly isn’t giving them a good impression or the view that the relationship is a happy, healthy one.

Maybe instead of putting all the blame at the friends door, perhaps you should be looking closer to home.

thelastrose · 24/12/2023 07:42

GothConversionTherapy · 24/12/2023 03:56

Always the fault of the woman eh.

Isn't the bride a woman, too? Doesn't she get a say who attends her big day?

CrunchyCarrot · 24/12/2023 07:47

Makes no sense - so your partner has apparently let the groom down, yet he is still chosen to be best man, however you are being the scapegoat for it? I think your partner should drop out of being best man and not go, to be honest.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 24/12/2023 08:00

Your bf sounds a wet lettuce to be honest. Highly unattractive.

I suspect you have been scape goated by him on these occasions. "Sorry I have to leave the funeral, Yorke insists we go to this festival, I'd much rather stay", "I've spent so much money on Yorkie and her dc recently, I can't afford to see you on your birthday".

Lifeasiknowitisout · 24/12/2023 08:03

thelastrose · 24/12/2023 07:42

Isn't the bride a woman, too? Doesn't she get a say who attends her big day?

Show quote history

I wouldn’t have thought so in this case.

When I was getting married, his side was up to him. I may have asked why someone wasn’t invited or had is a discussion about wether it was the right choice. But would leave the decision up to him.

I wouldn’t have forced him to invite someone he didn’t want to.

BeadedBubbles · 24/12/2023 08:07

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 24/12/2023 08:00

Your bf sounds a wet lettuce to be honest. Highly unattractive.

Sounds very likely.

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/12/2023 08:11

Yorkiepud2614 · 23/12/2023 21:30

oh yes. When they had had the chat about why he had chosen not to invite me there was a u turn and I was then invited. As you can imagine, I declined.

So your partner did stand up for you and say this is silly and you then Got invited which you then declined @Yorkiepud2614

If those are the reasons then yes silly - 4hrs at a friends grannys funeral

I didn't even spend 4hrs at my nans funeral

And if lives miles away unlike to go up for every birthday

Does friend/groom come down for your partners birthday yearly

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/12/2023 08:12

Plus if you and bride get on well and do Disney things with kids surely you are friends with her as well

KnowThyself · 24/12/2023 08:13

Many plausible theories been given on this thread maybe it’s a mix but maybe they just don’t like you and your impression that they do is incorrect. Sort of a smiling assassin scenario. What @Mikimoto writes really.

ThePoshUns · 24/12/2023 08:14

The groom sounds like a petty little wanker and if your DP prioritises him over you then he's a bad.

Original poster

Yorkiepud2614 · 24/12/2023 08:16

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to reply.

I’ve now absolutely accepted that they just don’t like me and panicked when asked to give a reason they didn’t invite me.

I don’t for a second believe my partner has bad mouthed me so that’s the only other explanation.

I guess the groom may feel uncomfortable with me considering the first time I met him I saw him kiss someone who wasn’t the bride.

OP posts:

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