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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset at the reason I was not invited

213 replies

Yorkiepud2614 · 23/12/2023 21:18

Hello
I just need some outside perspective on this issue because it’s caused a little bit of a rift between me and my partner.

My partner of 2 years has been asked to be best man at this best friends wedding (taking place 3 hours south of our home).

We waited for the proper invites but after hearing that his friends had got theirs (we assumed ours were just lost in the post) my partner called up to double check the dates so we could book a hotel room.
He was then informed that I was not actually invited to the wedding. Partner accepted this but I was a little hurt.

This was just over two months ago and my partner has just met up with the groom (he lives about an 8 hour drive away) and the groom confessed I wasn’t invited because my partner had left the grooms granny’s funeral after spending four hours there to join me at a local music festival (these tickets had been his Christmas present) and also because my partner did not fly down to see the groom on this birthday.
He couldn’t afford the flights (weekend in summer) as we had a wedding in Rhodes a few weeks later.

im quite sad that my partner is still going to be best man at this wedding after the reasons given for me being the only partner excluded.

should I pull on my big girl pants and get over it?

OP posts:

tomatoontoast · 23/12/2023 22:01

I would be suspicious that those were the reasons you weren't invited. They've got nothing to do with you.

I would instead guess that the bride or groom doesn't like you and the groom made up these weird excuses on the spot which your partner hasn't questioned.

LookItsMeAgain · 23/12/2023 22:02

BruceAndNosh · 23/12/2023 21:19

Your partner should tell the groom to get stuffed!

First post got it in one!

Your partner should politely (even though the groom doesn't deserve it) recuse himself from the duties of best man/groomsman. I say politely because then he can hold his head up high should it come back to haunt him.

sprigatito · 23/12/2023 22:04

This arsehole has you typecast as a controlling, clingy "her indoors" character. He will probably carry on trying to separate you from your partner and implying that he can't have any fun with you in tow. It's misogynistic and offensive and I would expect my partner to put a decisive stop to it. It doesn't bode well if he doesn't.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 23/12/2023 22:04

I think saying he's not standing up for you is unfair considering the groom did invite you after their conversation.

I don't really see the DP has done much wrong tbh. You weren't invited, he asked why, seemingly talked to groom into extending you an invite and is fine with you choosing not to go.

Expecting him to cut off a very close friend entirely just because the friend doesn't like you is unreasonable imo.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 23/12/2023 22:05

The groom sounds like an absolute twat - but then so does the 'D'P, so they're well suited.

Pipsquiggle · 23/12/2023 22:05

I call BS on the 'reasons' they gave you - genuinely sounds like they were made up by a 5 year old on the spur of the moment.

I bet you weren't originally invited due to:
No ring, no bring.
They had too many people for the capacity of the venue and you didn't make the cut.
They just don't know you that well as you live hundreds of miles away.

One or any of the above is more likely than the bs you were told but they don't have the balls to tell you

Original poster

Yorkiepud2614 · 23/12/2023 22:06

I havnt ever said I expected that.
i have said i was upset about the reasons I wasn’t invited and wanted to check if people thought I was being unreasonable.

OP posts:

Bitchassmosquito · 23/12/2023 22:06

The groom sounds like a wanker but that’s probably more your partners problem than yours.

Asifiwouldnt · 23/12/2023 22:07

Well the groom is a twat regardless but sorry OP this smacks of the fact your DP blamed you to his friend on both those instances

’I really wanted to come/stay longer mate but SHE has kicked up a stink about it and given me hell about choosing you over her - you know what she’s like she will be awful if I don’t do as she says’

IncompleteSenten · 23/12/2023 22:08

His friend matters more to him than you do.

You need to think whether this is a relationship you want to be in.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 23/12/2023 22:11

Did your DP give you as the excuse not to go/leave early rather than admitting you already had tickets/couldn’t afford it?

stiffstink · 23/12/2023 22:13

Absolutely what everyone else has said - your DP has used you as a fake excuse for not being at or going to events and now it's playing out in this non-invitation. I'd love to know what he really said to them to get them to invite you after you weren't in the first round of invitations. You then declining might have reinforced whatever story he's previously told them.

IveOnlyEverHeardOutwithONHere · 23/12/2023 22:13

As usual the first post nails it.

i’d be fucking furious if my friend treated my partner like that. I’d tell them to fuck off. Quite a few friends didn’t like my ex, for reasons I understand, but they would never have behaved like that towards her. The friend is a Cunt and your partner needs to step up and stick up for you, otherwise he’s a Cunt as well.

Gonkers · 23/12/2023 22:14

Your DP is absolutely pathetic. This would be a dealbreaker for me.

gnarlynarwhal · 23/12/2023 22:14

If you ever get engaged to your partner OP, do you think your partner will expect this person to be invited?

Eddielizzard · 23/12/2023 22:14

100% your DP has blamed these incidents on you. And has probably moaned to friend a bit for extra sympathy (ok totally guessing that bit). If your relationship was shaky before this I'd take a long hard think about the future. If otherwise fine, I think I would have a frank discussion with your DP and ask him if it's the case. You never know, he may come clean.

I also would reconsider the invitation - do you think there is anything to be salvaged there? Could you go, get on well with the friends, and they might realise your DP is full of shit?

itsmylife7 · 23/12/2023 22:15

No yanbu at all BUT either your partner is blaming you, behind your back, about why he can't do things with friends.

Or, the groom to be is insanely jealous of your relationship and wants his friend back without you.

Personally I'd have to not see the friend ever again... but he's your partners best friend ?

AcrossthePond55 · 23/12/2023 22:19

Asifiwouldnt · 23/12/2023 22:07

Well the groom is a twat regardless but sorry OP this smacks of the fact your DP blamed you to his friend on both those instances

This is a distinct possibility. DH had (note past tense) a very good friend whose wife couldn't stand DH. We could never figure out what he'd done to cause offense so we tried to 'go along to get along'. Turns out he'd been throwing DH under the bus for things that HE had done/instigated. Too late coming home? "DH insisted we stay". Bought tickets for an event that HE wanted to go to? "It was DH's idea". Made reservations at the 'wrong' hotel? "DH made those reservations". It was a third party who clued DH in.

DH ended the friendship.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 23/12/2023 22:21

Just what has your partner told the groom about the two events?
I think he’s the one who put the blame on you. “Sorry pal, I can’t stay any longer, she’s booked these tickets and will kick off if I don’t go”
Sorry Pal, I can’t come to the weekend away, my girlfriend wants us to go the wedding in Rhodes.”
His reaction, anger, when asked about it is suspect. He’s deflecting his guilt onto you.
If he cares for you at all he’ll refuse to be best man.
Cross posted with Acrossthepond.

TheCatterall · 23/12/2023 22:24

@Yorkiepud2614 massive squishes. I’d be upset with DP and the BF hasn’t really enamoured himself has he.

DP should have called him out on his pathetic excuses. DP didn’t have to leave funeral etc he chose to. You didn’t make him. So if anyone shouldn’t be invited it’s DP.

if you and DP live together and have a long relationship going forward I wouldn’t entertain having this man at any functions you arrange. How’s DP going to handle the BF not being allowed to attend your imaginary wedding?

What the actual fuck does DP expect to happen with his own relationship with you because he hasn’t stepped up when his best mate made such comments. Not standing up for you when his mates making comments like you’ll have more fun without her etc would make me feel belittled and inconsequential to DP. It would damage my relationship and I’d be really considering what other things he may let me down on in the future.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 23/12/2023 22:25

I wouldn't stand for such crap if I were your partner. It sounds as though this 'friend' resents your importance in your partner's life.

dodgylady23 · 23/12/2023 22:26

None of us can know, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the above posters saying your DP threw you under the bus on those previous occasions were 100% correct. It’s happened to me and many of my female friends. It’s the cowardly script men seem to follow when presented with a difficult situation. Pretend they have no choice because the neurotic missus will kick off if they don’t obey her.

VaccineSticker · 23/12/2023 22:35

IncompleteSenten · 23/12/2023 22:08

His friend matters more to him than you do.

You need to think whether this is a relationship you want to be in.

This.
You know it’s over right?

Grammarnut · 23/12/2023 22:42

Your partner should withdraw from being best man and state why. There is no reason why he should have stayed more than 4 hours at the funeral of someone else's grandmother - most funerals are over in that time. Why would he take a flight to see the groom and why is it your fault he did not? Sounds a bit of a control freak who likes to be put first all the time. Be glad you are not invited to this person's wedding, what an entitled and mean-spirited creep. I am afraid that may go for your DP, too, since he would not defend you and tell his BF to get lost.

sunights · 23/12/2023 22:46

YANBU - but have declined your invitation so made your point.
No need to take it out on DP*, though it seems weird the groom would want a best man he considers to be so flaky?
Is DP sure he still wants the role?
*Edited to add unless DP has been using you as an excuse in the way others have suggested above- in which case do your worst!

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