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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would it upset you if people thought you were grandparents and not parents?

238 replies

familiesarrggghhhhh · 23/12/2023 10:52

This has happened twice to me now. First time in after school club, gave the names of my DC and the lady said “are you the grandma” - erm no I’m not

then last week we were at a park with the DC on their bikes, a couple in their 70’s walked past and said “it’s lovely coming out with the grandkids isn’t it”

I was mortified. I’m 43 so yes I’m an older mum. I have 4 year old twins. My DH is 51 but I honestly don’t think I look like a grandma.

AIBU to be upset and feel a bit down by it or is it just part and parcel of being an “older” mum. But then I think this isn’t 30 years ago, I was 38 when I had my twins (ok I turned 39 when they were 4 weeks old 😂)

we definitely didn’t plan it this way, we went through 5 rounds of IVF to get our twins.

just feeling a little sensitive as I’m also right in the middle of peri menopause, and this just feels like another kick in the teeth

OP posts:
Cookiecrumblepie · 23/12/2023 10:54

My mum got this all the time, she had children at 38. She wasn’t offended, people don’t mean any harm. As long as you are blessed with healthy happy children and are around to see them grow up what else matters?

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 23/12/2023 10:55

I don’t think it’s how you look as much as how young people are having kids now. Go for the shock value and enjoy the blistering when you say you’re their mum. Life’s too short to stress about this, use the time to live your precious children more.

brownbutterfrangipanetart · 23/12/2023 10:55

Yanbu I would be upset too. Maybe depends on where you live- people having kids late 30s/early 40s is v common where I am, so I don’t think people would jump to assuming grandparent

brickastley · 23/12/2023 10:55

The thing to remember is they are not judging you - there are plenty of people who are grandparents at your age, this is the judgement they have to make. It's not about thinking you are 'old' - just realising that someone in their 40s could easily be a grandparent

SlashBeef · 23/12/2023 10:56

I think it's inevitable and people are unlikely to be doing it to be hurtful, rather to make polite conversation. Just throw it back at them to feel awkward about, "Nope, I'm their mum!" with a smile.

WandaWonder · 23/12/2023 10:56

No, because I don't think they all got together and had a meeting just to upset me

What I mean is if no bad intent it would not upset at all

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/12/2023 10:57

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 23/12/2023 10:55

I don’t think it’s how you look as much as how young people are having kids now. Go for the shock value and enjoy the blistering when you say you’re their mum. Life’s too short to stress about this, use the time to live your precious children more.

I think people had children much earlier in the past.

Beezknees · 23/12/2023 10:57

I have the opposite issue. People never realise I'm DS's mum! I just turned 18 when I had him, I'm 34 now and he's almost 16. I look a little younger than my age and he's taller than me.

It's not so bad now I'm in my 30s. But when I was in my early 20s people were pretty judgey and don't take you seriously as a parent.

Original poster
familiesarrggghhhhh · 23/12/2023 10:58

The couple in the park were clearly in their 70’s, when I said erm no I’m their mum, the guy just chuckled and walked off. His wife was then trying to do damage control, bless her 😂

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 23/12/2023 11:00

I've been asked if I'm the grandparent when I had a contractor working at my house. I was 40 with a 4 month old at the time. As it happens he had become a dad at 16.
A friend of our family has a slightly different problem. He is 25 years older than his youngest sister. (They are full siblings and there are others between them age wise). He gets mistaken for her dad.

KnowThyself · 23/12/2023 11:00

Well your DH is for sure far more likely to be a Grandad and you are at an age where you could be a Grandma. No one has meant to offend you. I just think it’s going to happen. I have taken to deliberately saying oh I thought you were their Mum to women when they say they are a grandma and are under about 75.

gingercat02 · 23/12/2023 11:00

I was 39 when ds was born.
He's 15.
When my mum was my age (54) I was 27, so she could easily have been a grandmother.
I have 2 friends who were grandparents in their mid 40's
Understand it has upset you but was normal a generation ago and still is in some families

Original poster
familiesarrggghhhhh · 23/12/2023 11:01

To be honest I think I’m very sensitive about my looks at the moment, I don’t feel particularly great, and I could do with losing a stone (or two). Maybe it’s the kick up the butt I need

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 23/12/2023 11:01

Where we live it is quite common, no one bats an eye lid. We were at a Christmas party last night with mostly parents of our older child's friends, the hosting family has a Dad late 60s (not second marriage) and a Mum 59, our teenagers are 16/17! Most of the other parents are mid 50s so had them 38,39,40. We were the odd ones out as we were 28 and 25 when our eldest was born. My DH is an Architect in London and if children come up with clients at social events and colleagues etc. Everyone is shocked that he is 42 with a 16 year old, some tease him about it which is a bit ridiculous but IMO your age to be a Mum and Dad is not uncommon and definitely not commonly grandparent age!

EmmaEmerald · 23/12/2023 11:03

familiesarrggghhhhh · 23/12/2023 10:58

The couple in the park were clearly in their 70’s, when I said erm no I’m their mum, the guy just chuckled and walked off. His wife was then trying to do damage control, bless her 😂

Oh...I bet he was trying to be malicious.

Maireas · 23/12/2023 11:04

Let me reassure you. People are atrocious at guessing ages. There are frequent threads on her with people claiming to look 25 when they're really 47, or hating the fact that they're mistaken for their child's sibling.
Ignore. You're doing grand. Plus, congratulations on your child!

BlackberrySky · 23/12/2023 11:06

I think it partly reflects the norm in whatever area you're in. Where I am, nearly all the mums are married, in their 30s and 40s. If a younger woman with no wedding ring is out with the kids, people generally assume she's their nanny as opposed to their mum. Conversely, my mum taught in a school where it was common for the mums to have had kids in their teens or early 20s, so many grandparents were in their late 30s

PonyMcBony · 23/12/2023 11:08

At 43 I have a 3 year old dd and 5 and 2 year old GDs. There's 23 years between eldest and youngest. All my older children have been mistaken for their youngest sibling's parent. People are just making conversation

Fififafa · 23/12/2023 11:08

Think you are going to have to grow a thicker skin because it’s likely that you’ll face this situation again in the future. It’s not a stretch to see a middle aged couple with very young kids and assume that they are the grandparents. Just let it wash over you.

pingusslappyfeet · 23/12/2023 11:09

@familiesarrggghhhhh

I don’t think some people are very good at guessing age. I’m the same age as you and as far as I know I don’t look twenty years older but a couple of times recently I’ve had women of the generation above say stuff like ‘people our age’ I took it as a compliment, in the sense that I am now enfolded in the demographic of them who knows what’s what😂

User69371527 · 23/12/2023 11:10

I’d be upset about that too 😞
are your twins small for their age so look younger than they are?
Do you have grey hair? Do you live in an area where people have kids young?
re. The hair, I don’t think you should change stuff for anyone but perhaps there is something like that about your appearance that mean people make assumptions

Helenahandkart · 23/12/2023 11:11

I would not be upset at all. I would thank my lucky stars that I was a mum. But then I did twice as many IVF rounds as you and came out of it with nothing.
Honestly, who cares what they think. You have a child.
It could be worse, you could look a bit rough AND be childlesss! I bet you look fine 😊

UnfortunateTypo · 23/12/2023 11:11

People are truly awful at guessing ages, someone thought my Mum was my DD’s daughter and she was 52 at the time. mum was thrilled to bits!

Also it depends on where you are. When my daughter was at baby nursery, I was 31 and frankly I was the oldest mother there all the other Mum’s were in their early 20s. They all thought I was ancient!. We moved area and she went to a Private School at 3. I was the youngest person there by at least a decade. So if you live somewhere where there a lot of young Mum’s they don’t clock that someone would have a baby at 40. They don’t mean to be thoughtless they just are.

NoMoreShit · 23/12/2023 11:11

I'd just assume that the those grandparents didn't have their grandkids very often to be honest. The eagerness to advertise they were her grandkids, & her out of touch assumptions on the age of mothers these days strongly suggests this.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 23/12/2023 11:11

Happened to me a bit, similar age to you when DD was born. I'm told I don't look my age, and choose to believe that Xmas Grin

I think it's more usual where we live to be much younger having kids, so people use a statistical likelihood analysis when they look at your family group, decide it is statistically more likely that you are a grandparent (round here, anyhow) then do not apply any tactful allowance for them being wrong, then speaking! Not necessarily malicious, but a bit socially inept.

Sounds like the guy you met was a bit socially useless, and maybe embarassed at his cock up.

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