Would it upset you if people thought you were grandparents and not parents?

[familiesarrggghhhhh]

This has happened twice to me now. First time in after school club, gave the names of my DC and the lady said “are you the grandma” - erm no I’m not

then last week we were at a park with the DC on their bikes, a couple in their 70’s walked past and said “it’s lovely coming out with the grandkids isn’t it”

I was mortified. I’m 43 so yes I’m an older mum. I have 4 year old twins. My DH is 51 but I honestly don’t think I look like a grandma.

AIBU to be upset and feel a bit down by it or is it just part and parcel of being an “older” mum. But then I think this isn’t 30 years ago, I was 38 when I had my twins (ok I turned 39 when they were 4 weeks old 😂)

we definitely didn’t plan it this way, we went through 5 rounds of IVF to get our twins.

just feeling a little sensitive as I’m also right in the middle of peri menopause, and this just feels like another kick in the teeth

YABU to GAF. I get where you're coming from, but it doesn't matter a jot. And they were quite rude! My H got similar a couple of times (he's older than me), we lolled, and forgot it. We're all still standing. Well actually i'm not, but that's another story. It does go to show age is not a reliable barometer!

I know people in their mid 40s who are grandparents and other people of the same age who are parents to small children so it can be hard to tell! At 43 you could be a grandparent or a parent- people making that mistake don’t necessarily think you look older than 43.

This will make you feel better: I was mistaken for my children’s grandma when I was 32 😭 The person in question was from a part of the USA where it’s common to have children very young (very normal to have a baby at 16-17!) When she said it I thought I must look like I was in my 60s, because that’s how old my children’s grandparents were at the time, but when I understood the cultural context it made more sense!

I met a lady once who was 34 who was a grandma…. I was the same age and didn’t even have a boyfriend at the time let alone a child. I went on to have a child at nearly 41 and no one has ever said anything directly to me. In the SE / London it’s very common to have children later on.

I do have a friend in America who has 2 boys and a cashier in a shop asked if she was the grandma and when my friend said no the cashier actually argued with her about it. Imagine that? 😳

I cause confusion, I am 60 with a 3 year old, people go through the whole grandparent/mum/aunt thing and I am none of those but I just smile and nod.

While where I live it is now more common to have kids from 35 onwards there are still younger parents around.

So I've been called my 5 year old DD's parent but so have her cousins who are aged 15+.

Oh and I'm older than you. 😀

@familiesarrggghhhhh , when I was about 11, I was out shopping with my sister and a shop assistant thought we were mother and daughter. She's three years older than me.

Of the girls at my primary school one was a grandmother with two DGC when another was expecting her first child. We were in out mid 40s.

It's quite normal to feel shit if someone suggests you look older than you are.

Since I stopped colouring my hair and am grey I get that all the time. The first few times I was appalled and felt awful. Now I just laugh.

That said, my SIL is 10 years younger than me and has two grandchildren. Families vary.

I'm thinking maybe a lot of this is an older generation thing.

Folk used to marry and have their babies younger a couple of generations ago so back then it was probably much more likely that a 40 something with a baby was the grandparent.

I still say the best way is if you don't know then keep your mouth shut. No matter what generation you are!

Happens to me but to be fair, I am old and look old!
I’m in my mid 50’s with a 10 year old.
Doesnt bother me what people say but amuses me when I correct them and see their reaction!

To be fair, if you have four year olds and you are 43, you could easily be their grandma, even if you don’t look a day older, so there’s nothing to be upset about really.

I am 54 and my DD is 35. I made my DM a grandma when she was 39 so yes I would also assume grandparents if I saw you

It’s upsetting but not malicious

Yes-happened to me. No, I wasn't bothered. I was old enough to be their grandma, after all!

And no-why say anything? They didn't do it to be hurtful, why embarass them? They did it accidentally-you'd be doing it on purpose!

I was 40 when I had DS (now 5.5) and I thought one of his classmates' mums was their grandma. Turns out she's 6 years younger than me. One of the reasons I thought she was younger was the way she was dressed and that she's always just chatting and never playing with her kids.

Yes that would upset me. That said, it doesn't take much for people to guess wrongly - if your hair is grey / completely undyed people will think grandparent without really looking at you IYSWIM.

Yet again the "making conversation " card comes out.
I'm an older parent. I have had plent of conversations withpwople at paeks, soft play, parties, etc. and have NEVER asked anyone with a child whether they are the parent or grandparents.
If I want to make conversation I might say that the children look as though they're having fun, or it's a great park for kids, or the food/toys at soft play are good.
There's no need to 'make a judgement' about the relationship between the adult and child. There's no need to bring any assumptions unto the conversation.

I'd be extremely offended but I'm 30 and my child is 7🤣

I don't think its so much your age as theirs. Even just 10 to 20 years ago people tended to hard kids in their 30s to 40s. Now it seems to be the norm to have them, late teens to early 20s which to me (33) seems very young indeed. But these things move in trends and honestly having kids into your late 40s is perfectly normal. Guy was probably just a bit embarrassed and tried to laugh it off and escape, kicking himself all the way down the road for opening his mouth.

Where I live you would be a normal age to have 4 year old twins, and nobody would assume you were their granny unless they thought you looked socially disadvantaged. In other areas having grandchildren in your early 40s would be the norm, and people might well make that mistake, without meaning any harm by it.

I think it's hard to tell nowadays to be honest, lots of people (myself included) are having kids a bit older and then there's lots of people having kids quite young. So it's easy to have older mums and young grannies nowadays!

People were having kids in their late 30s/40s 30 years ago you know.

Nowadays grandparents look younger. I know many women in their 70s who look much younger than for example when my grandparents were in their 70s.

It’s like when you see teenagers from the olden days who look like they’re in the 40s. But it’s the opposite nowadays.

A lot of it will depend on the age they were having kids too.

So when DD started school, I was 24/25, but there were mums there well into their 40s who I thought were grandparents til I knew otherwise. They won't mean any harm, but you tend to think others are like you.

I work in early years and have to be careful when meeting new parents and careers. My nursery is a very affluent area and we do have a lot of older parents. Though we do have some younger mums too.

You must look like a Grandma or people wouldn't say it.

I've never seen a Grandma who I didn't like the look of - so see it as a compliment.
You look kind, patient, happy and proficient.
I read that Charlie Chaplin's youngest child was pleased to be born and didn't care that his parents were older.