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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would it upset you if people thought you were grandparents and not parents?

238 replies

familiesarrggghhhhh · 23/12/2023 10:52

This has happened twice to me now. First time in after school club, gave the names of my DC and the lady said “are you the grandma” - erm no I’m not

then last week we were at a park with the DC on their bikes, a couple in their 70’s walked past and said “it’s lovely coming out with the grandkids isn’t it”

I was mortified. I’m 43 so yes I’m an older mum. I have 4 year old twins. My DH is 51 but I honestly don’t think I look like a grandma.

AIBU to be upset and feel a bit down by it or is it just part and parcel of being an “older” mum. But then I think this isn’t 30 years ago, I was 38 when I had my twins (ok I turned 39 when they were 4 weeks old 😂)

we definitely didn’t plan it this way, we went through 5 rounds of IVF to get our twins.

just feeling a little sensitive as I’m also right in the middle of peri menopause, and this just feels like another kick in the teeth

OP posts:
Avatartar · 23/12/2023 11:15

It’s just peoples personal experience they are reflecting- they probs had younger parents/grandparents when they were the age your DCs are now - smile, laugh and ignore

Greenandgreed · 23/12/2023 11:15

I’d imagine the couple had kids much younger and maybe had grand kids at your age . Try not to let it upset you too much .

Dixiechickonhols · 23/12/2023 11:16

I wouldn’t give it too much thought. It’s area dependent and probably reflects the person asking - what’s their norm and probably lumping you same age bracket as a much older husband.

MorningSunshineSparkles · 23/12/2023 11:16

Aww OP I can understand why that would upset you Flowers people are so thoughtless!

MulledWineBeMine · 23/12/2023 11:16

familiesarrggghhhhh · 23/12/2023 11:01

To be honest I think I’m very sensitive about my looks at the moment, I don’t feel particularly great, and I could do with losing a stone (or two). Maybe it’s the kick up the butt I need

@familiesarrggghhhhh

if it helps to 'use it' do that.

but people are crap at judging people's age.

I've had it all ways. When I was in my late 20's someone asked my friend who was with me, if she was my mum! (she's only 10 years older than me.

i used to pick a friends DD up after school & she asked me if i was her Grandma (I was mid 30's)

I was at a self check out yesterday, the alcohol alert thing went off & the woman who came over to authorise it barely glanced at me before sorting it. I felt deflated 🤣I'm 53😂😂

it's ok for it to smart a little, but it's really not personal xx

Gemstonebeach · 23/12/2023 11:17

My mum went grey very early and people thought she was my grandmother from 45, she had me at 30!

MirrorBack · 23/12/2023 11:21

I have the other way and it’s just as crap. I’m mid 40s and have dc in their 20s. I wasn’t a teenage mum. Lots of people here have young dc and are my age. I get constant ‘oh, HOW old were you?’, was it difficult….?. Oh but you look too young raised eyebrow Gosh, I have missed going to uni! ( I had a degree and a professional qualification when I had dc1!).
People can be really really patronising and presumptuous about it. It’s presumed I have no qualifications, I’ve even been asked many many times if DH is the father of all my children. Even by teachers or doctors who see we have the same surname and the kids look like each other. The youngest is 8, which I think compounds it.

Fundays12 · 23/12/2023 11:22

I am 43 and my kids are 4,7 and 11 but have never had this said. DH is 51 and hasn't either. I don't mean this to sound nasty but is it possibly your style of clothes, hair etc as these can age people.

Sallybegood · 23/12/2023 11:31

I’m sorry it’s upset you, I wouldn’t like it either and I don’t really get why people are pretending not to understand why. But you’re assuming it’s a comment on your looks, whereas if your partner is nearly a decade older I’d guess they’re much more likely to be making this assumption based on him, then just looking at you and assuming he married a considerably younger woman who had kids young and became a grandma young.

sunights · 23/12/2023 11:32

YABNU - I do the opposite and assume in conversation that any caregiver is a parent unless I'm told otherwise.
I've had some shocked sounding people point out to me they not the parent, but don't care as I feel it is extremely rude to assume someone isn't parent to a child based on age/ skin tone or gender.

DontKaleMyVibe · 23/12/2023 11:36

Nobody means any harm by it I'm sure, it's just part of being an older mum, and part of being in an age gap relationship. If you're with your DH and he looks his age, people might assume you're a similar age but with an excellent skincare routine.

In my early twenties I would get mistaken for my siblings/niblings' mum and I was upset at the time but the reality is a lot of people have children in their early twenties or late teens.

ThreeTreeHill · 23/12/2023 11:36

My grandma was in her late 40s when I was born, so no I wouldn't be upset

I think it depends on your culture essentially. For many people they will become grandparents in their 40s/50s so that's how old they consider grandparents to be. If your DH is 51 then if I saw him with a 4yr old I'd probably assume he was grandpa.

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/12/2023 11:36

This has happened to me twice! I had No 2 at 42. I do not look remotely old. I had a lady in TK Maxx ask me if I was "Mum or Nan". I said "how dare you" (in humour). To be fair it's hard to tell these days. I'm 54 now and a lot of my friends became grandparents in their early to mid 40's. One friend had two grandchildren by 38 but she had been a very young Mum herself. I absolutely would not let this bother me at all.

Noodles4Me · 23/12/2023 11:38

I’ve never been mistaken for a nan and I’m 43 with a toddler. I do think sometimes it’s how people dress. I’ve got younger mum friends who since becoming parents have all cut off their hair, stopped wearing make-up and live in joggers or leggings and it does age them.

I appreciate that is quite shallow but I think it’s the nature of society.

Saggypants · 23/12/2023 11:39

I can see how that comment would really sting. But just remember, people can be really thick. It's just as likely to be that as it is a reflection on your looks.

Someone once asked me if my then 3yo and 1yo were twins. My mum has been asked if she's her sister's mother- they're 3 years apart and in their 70s. Thick!

huuskymam · 23/12/2023 11:40

I was 39 when I had my now 13 year old. Never got this at all. But would probably just keep correcting people, it wouldn't bother me.

Tumbleweed101 · 23/12/2023 11:41

I could have been a grandparent by 43 given the ages of my two eldest children. I think from 40 onwards people start making assumptions if you are with a baby or toddler.

I work in a nursery and have to be very careful about making assumptions. Men in particular are dads at an age I'd probably expect them to be the grandad by first glance.

RampantIvy · 23/12/2023 11:42

People used to think my parents were my grandparents. They were 40 and 49 when I was born, and older when my sister was born. In my mum's case she was a heavy smoker and looked older than her years. In fact, my parents looked similar in age even though my dad was 9 years older than my mum.

I had DD at 41 (infertilty). Fortunately, where I live most of the parents at DD's school were well into their 30s when they had DC so I didn't stand out.

I also think that both DH and I looked younger than our ages at the time (he was 48 when DD was born). I also have a couple of friends who were a similar age when their youngest DC were born.

MintJulia · 23/12/2023 11:44

I think that's a nice excuse to treat yourself in the new year. Decent cut and colour, some new clothes etc. Yoga or martial arts to improve flexibility & posture.

I was 45 when I had ds. My dp was 56. A few strangers thought he was my dad 😀
It came down to how he moved, how he dressed. Energy levels and personal style.

AnnaMagnani · 23/12/2023 11:48

I used to get this as a child, when older mums were less common.

Honestly I thought the people making the mistake were weird as to my mind, my mum was the right age!

Unicorntastic · 23/12/2023 11:50

Im an older Mm and ive had this a few times, generally from random strangers and its upset me as I dress fairly modern and make an effort so not ‘old looking’ for my age, honestly people should just shut up if its not relevant or use their brains and think before they speak!
i find it doesnt really happen now my DD is at school
maybe because theres such a mix of parents and grandparents collecting children.

Remaker · 23/12/2023 11:52

I understand it would be upsetting but I think it says more about their assumptions than it does about you. I had my kids when I was 38 and 39, the only time I ever felt closer to a GP age than a parent was when I visited the town my mum lives in where everyone seems to have babies when they’re 15.

I’m now mid 50s and nobody I know is anywhere near being a GP yet. The oldest kids are mid 20s and still having way too much fun to consider settling down and having kids.

Secondtonaan · 23/12/2023 11:56

I'd be upset too but it totally depends on the person's background/where they're from.

Where I live most people have DC late 30s/early 40s so sure you'd be positively youthful and no one would comment! Where I work people are grandparents in their 40s so there would be different assumptions made.

Also it's only 2 comments so I'd not think it was symptomatic of anything, they may behave not seen you properly/been distracted/bit mental etc

KT8282 · 23/12/2023 11:57

I think it’s inevitable some will mistake parent for grandparent when you’re a reasonable age for either (my kids were born when I was 40 and 42, both IVF so I didn’t exactly choose to leave it this late!). Children especially think 30 is retirement age! What I wish adults would do if there is any doubt whatsoever of parent vs grandparent is assume you are the parent; no GP will be offended by this and it saves offending a P.

CocoonofDavid · 23/12/2023 11:57

I had it at the other end of the scale… I had DS1 at 18, and when he was younger was regularly asked if I was his sister or nanny….

The one that upset him s few years ago was when he was 17 and we were out together and someone asked if I was his girlfriend! 🤣 I was slightly flattered but he was, as I’m sure you can imagine, absolutely horrified!