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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would it upset you if people thought you were grandparents and not parents?

238 replies

familiesarrggghhhhh · 23/12/2023 10:52

This has happened twice to me now. First time in after school club, gave the names of my DC and the lady said “are you the grandma” - erm no I’m not

then last week we were at a park with the DC on their bikes, a couple in their 70’s walked past and said “it’s lovely coming out with the grandkids isn’t it”

I was mortified. I’m 43 so yes I’m an older mum. I have 4 year old twins. My DH is 51 but I honestly don’t think I look like a grandma.

AIBU to be upset and feel a bit down by it or is it just part and parcel of being an “older” mum. But then I think this isn’t 30 years ago, I was 38 when I had my twins (ok I turned 39 when they were 4 weeks old 😂)

we definitely didn’t plan it this way, we went through 5 rounds of IVF to get our twins.

just feeling a little sensitive as I’m also right in the middle of peri menopause, and this just feels like another kick in the teeth

OP posts:
Laiste · 23/12/2023 11:58

I have 4 DCs. My eldest is 31 and my youngest is 9.

When i took my youngest to her first weigh in with the health visitor one of my older DDs came along with me. She was 14.

We walked into the room and put the baby carried down and the health visitor said ''Right - which one's mum then?''

DD was 😳 and said Not Me! She was really put out and grumbled about it all the way home 😂

JaceLancs · 23/12/2023 11:59

My DD (32) has a DSD who is 12 - people think they are sisters and I’m their DM
DSD is taller than both of us though!

27Mankinis · 23/12/2023 11:59

DH is mistaken for granddad, but to be fair he was 57 and 59 when our Dcs were born.

I was 37 and 39 when they were born and have been mistaken for Grandma. I bemused me more than anything I guess, but my parents had me at 20 and 21 (which was pretty normal for where they come from) so it's perfectly feasible I would be a GP by now.

I worked with a woman who ahd her DS at 15 and he had his first baby with his GF at 15 so she was a very young grandma.

I agree with pp. Treat yourself in the New Year. You deserve to feel good about yourself- everyone does. x

Coyoacan · 23/12/2023 11:59

My MIL was a grandmother at 35. So you could be a grandmother without looking a day older

GettingStuffed · 23/12/2023 12:03

I became a gran at 39 and was often mistaken for his mum, my youngest grandson is 6 and even at 59 get mistaken for his mum. I do look young for my age though. I think like a pp said most people used to have children at an earlier age and are rotten at guessing ages.

MummyJ36 · 23/12/2023 12:03

Oh I’m sorry OP I can see how that would knock your confidence. I’m 36 and have two DC under 5 and I recently got asked what secondary school my kids go to whilst having a polite chat with the post office lady (kids not in tow but I mentioned them in passing).

It is so common these days to have kids in your late 30s / early 40s. I only have two friends who had kids in their late 20s and all of my other friends have had their second children between 35-43. I think what knocks your confidence in these situations is that it always happens when we’re just going about our business and probably not feeling our best looks wise. I’m sure in your have been dolled up and feeling great this wouldn’t have knocked your confidence as much. As mothers to young children we’re just trying to get through the day, our personal appearance rarely is a factor in this so it feels like a double blow when someone makes an unflattering comment.

Try and hold your head up high OP. I know it’s hard but sometimes people are just a bit dim!!!

Eastie77Returns · 23/12/2023 12:03

OP count your blessings. One of my closest friends has been mistaken for her husband’s mother. They are the same age (45).

Laiste · 23/12/2023 12:03

Thing is though - when you think about it - why say it at all? Why not just say 'lovely day' or what ever you want to say, rather than guessing at the relationship between the strangers you're talking to Confused

The only reason i can think of in OPs scenario is they were wondering about it and were trying to find out.

Laiste · 23/12/2023 12:05

Eastie77Returns · 23/12/2023 12:03

OP count your blessings. One of my closest friends has been mistaken for her husband’s mother. They are the same age (45).

😮
Bloody hell that would knock anyone's confidence!

Pottedpalm · 23/12/2023 12:06

Just smile and enjoy your twins. Life will probably throw worse at you and you will wonder why you gave headspace to this.

Endlesstissues · 23/12/2023 12:06

We moved from somewhere where we were young at 35 to have our first, to somewhere where the only people our age doing school pick up were grandparents. It was quite a shock!

Newsenmum · 23/12/2023 12:07

Well you must look like incredibly young grandparents! Do you think its more dh as he’s in his 50s?

I’ve seen women with fully grey hair with a baby and I’ve wondered but would never say anything.

OhmygodDont · 23/12/2023 12:07

It’s just your at that age where you could be either in lots of places.

I remember a mum on the school run chatting away to me all about how it’s her whatever it was birthday this weekend and I didn’t even engage my brain tbh and out came oh that’s my mums age. She was not happy at all, it hadn’t ever crossed her mind she was old enough to be a nanny/granny. There was no harm meant from my side either just relating back an age of someone I knew.

Goldenbear · 23/12/2023 12:07

Laiste · 23/12/2023 12:03

Thing is though - when you think about it - why say it at all? Why not just say 'lovely day' or what ever you want to say, rather than guessing at the relationship between the strangers you're talking to Confused

The only reason i can think of in OPs scenario is they were wondering about it and were trying to find out.

Yes, I agree with this, I can't imagine why anyone would remark on this because of the risk you run of insulting someone.

lapsedrdwhoenthusiast · 23/12/2023 12:08

I know a family where the Mum had a baby at 39 and her 17 year old daughter also had a baby basically at the same time. The female fertility window is pretty wide and families come in all shapes and sizes. People really shouldn't assume.

Fififafa · 23/12/2023 12:10

Is it really worth having an existential crisis about? The average age of a first time mother in the UK is 30.9 years old. So it’s not unreasonable to assume that a woman in her 40s is the grandma.

Hankunamatata · 23/12/2023 12:11

My mum got this all the time as she was in her 40s when she had me. Especially as we loved in a every working class area where people tended to have children quite young. She would just laugh it off and didn't correct people less they needed to be. Here opinion was that it really didn't matter what other people perceived, she had her much longed for baby.

VegeBurgers · 23/12/2023 12:11

Someone thought my brother was my son! He’s 4 years older than me.
I cried myself to sleep that night (after applying a very thick layer of anti wrinkle cream).
I can laugh about it now.

welcometothnuthouse · 23/12/2023 12:15

DD works in a nursery, and most of the parents are older, her words 'they are parents to all adorable babies I work with'.

Sugarsun · 23/12/2023 12:17

brickastley · 23/12/2023 10:55

The thing to remember is they are not judging you - there are plenty of people who are grandparents at your age, this is the judgement they have to make. It's not about thinking you are 'old' - just realising that someone in their 40s could easily be a grandparent

Exactly this.

Of course I would feel a bit upset but they’re not trying to hurt you and they’re not saying you look old.

You probably look quite confident and like you know what you’re doing so they think you must be grandparents 🤣

I had the opposite problem where I look very young and people would assume I was the sister and not believe me that I was the mum and perhaps judge me for it like I wasn’t as good of a mum as someone older.
I used to get very upset/embarrassed.
Now I’m older it still happens but I care less.

Littlegoth · 23/12/2023 12:18

I’ve not got there yet but I’m sure it will happen at some point. Baby 1 born just before I was 39, and baby 2 came 3 years later. Again not for lack of trying when we were younger. It was out of our hands.

My friend became a gran at 39 just a few weeks before I had my first. We are in the window where we could be either!

Magenta82 · 23/12/2023 12:21

I was upset when it happened to me at 40 with a 1 year old. People on here got offended that I was upset because apparently I'm old enough to be a granny and my upset was somehow a judgement on grandparents my age.

Riverstep · 23/12/2023 12:22

Yes it would upset me. I had my DCs in my twenties so it has never happened but I wouldn’t like it. My mum and dad were grandparents in their 40’s and frequently got mistaken for being their grandkids parents. Depends who you are talking to I guess.

shellyleppard · 23/12/2023 12:22

Its happened to me.... twice!!! Youngest was about 3 years old and an old lady asked me how old my grandson was !!!! (I was 38) and one of my eldest sons school friends used to call me sam's Grandma 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ yes it does sting. i think having grey hair didn't help 😂😂

Violinist64 · 23/12/2023 12:32

It was an unpleasant thing for the man to say but far too many people, especially older men, have mouths that move more quickly than their brains. Think of it this way, you assumed this couple were in their seventies but they might only have been in their fifties. In any case, it sounds as if he has very poor eyesight.