Would it upset you if people thought you were grandparents and not parents?

[familiesarrggghhhhh]

This has happened twice to me now. First time in after school club, gave the names of my DC and the lady said “are you the grandma” - erm no I’m not

then last week we were at a park with the DC on their bikes, a couple in their 70’s walked past and said “it’s lovely coming out with the grandkids isn’t it”

I was mortified. I’m 43 so yes I’m an older mum. I have 4 year old twins. My DH is 51 but I honestly don’t think I look like a grandma.

AIBU to be upset and feel a bit down by it or is it just part and parcel of being an “older” mum. But then I think this isn’t 30 years ago, I was 38 when I had my twins (ok I turned 39 when they were 4 weeks old 😂)

we definitely didn’t plan it this way, we went through 5 rounds of IVF to get our twins.

just feeling a little sensitive as I’m also right in the middle of peri menopause, and this just feels like another kick in the teeth

This happened to me in a cafe - elderly lady asked my 3 year old if he was having a nice time with his Nan! He said loudly and clearly that I was his mum. The lady was a bit embarrassed but I laughed and said I obviously needed to get my roots done. My DH’s aunt was a grandmother at that age so it’s a fair assumption I think.

Nobody has year explained why it's so upsetting to be thought to be a grandma.....

*yet

Well I guess because it’s nice and special to be a mother and also a lot of people have a lot of complex feelings around ageing/ a bit of a shock to realise people view you as older than you are if you feel youthful yourself. Perhaps if you’ve waited and wanted for ages to be a mother, to then be leapfrogged into grandma status could be a bit jarring.
No one is saying grandparents are worthless here. Let’s not make it into that.

@CurlewKate , the average age of becoming a grandparent in the UK is 63.
If someone assumes you are the young child's grandmother not mother, they are inadvertently suggesting you look older than you are.

It's not saying that older people are worth less than younger people.

I'm not sure why you keep asking.

I Googled this and then stumbled upon a Telegraph article from 2005. Apparently the average age of a first time grandparent was 49 back then. It's also currently around 50 in the US. My grandparents were late 40s and early 50s when I was born. My baby's grandparents are all late 40s and very early 50s too. If I saw a woman in her mid-late 40s with a baby then I'd assume she was the grandma not mum. I wouldn't say anything though because you never know!

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1494949/Average-age-of-the-first-time-grandparent-is-now-under-50.html

2005 is nearly 20 years ago. Times have changed. Go back 60+ years and the first time mum age would be much lower because of there not being much choice in reliable contraception, and there was no IVF. If you are say, 78 you might have been a mum by 20, and a granny by 40 a 44 mum of a toddler would seem like you and your grandchild.

Most mothers are less than 45 years older than their children. So a woman who looks 50+ with a child under school age is more likely to be the grandmother. It doesn't mean she looks 60 odd!

@AvengedQuince , the OP had her twins when she was 39.
39 is pretty young to be a grandmother but not an unusual age to have a child

Technically 38 🤪 but yes thank you they were just 6 weeks old when I turned 39

I was at school with kids who had older mums, and their mums were already grandmothers. Several of my classmates were one of four, five or six children. Some of the mums were in their 20s, some about 50.

Now I'm older, I've seen friends and colleagues have babies in their teens, 20s, 30s and 40s.

You should not comment on someone's age or fertility unless invited to do so.

Yes I would feel abit narked about this, I had children at 33, 35 and 38 then a surprise baby at 49. Someone a few weeks ago called me granny for the first time ever and I was initially abit put out even though I'm 55 with a 6 year old. Just like not assuming people are pregnant (when they could just have a large tummy), I think it is tactful not to make assumptions, however after consideration I reminded myself of the immense blessing of having a child at a late age so can't really complain!

I’ve had this a couple of times when my daughter was younger. I remember a shop assistant patronisingly giving my daughter a receipt “here’s the receipt to give to mummy when you get home” - child was about 5 at the time and she mimicked the shop assistant’s tone “here’s the receipt mummy” and handed it to me. Assistant looked mortified but we found it hilarious. Hopefully she didn’t go on to make future assumptions about people.