Would it upset you if people thought you were grandparents and not parents?

[familiesarrggghhhhh]

This has happened twice to me now. First time in after school club, gave the names of my DC and the lady said “are you the grandma” - erm no I’m not

then last week we were at a park with the DC on their bikes, a couple in their 70’s walked past and said “it’s lovely coming out with the grandkids isn’t it”

I was mortified. I’m 43 so yes I’m an older mum. I have 4 year old twins. My DH is 51 but I honestly don’t think I look like a grandma.

AIBU to be upset and feel a bit down by it or is it just part and parcel of being an “older” mum. But then I think this isn’t 30 years ago, I was 38 when I had my twins (ok I turned 39 when they were 4 weeks old 😂)

we definitely didn’t plan it this way, we went through 5 rounds of IVF to get our twins.

just feeling a little sensitive as I’m also right in the middle of peri menopause, and this just feels like another kick in the teeth

If you have children with someone in their late 40s/early 50s and now have toddlers it's sort of to be expected really that strangers might think he is a grandparent. But for yourself I don't think having children in your late 30s is particularly unusual now: I had twins from IVF age 37 - so for people to think you were a grandparent is a bit unusual. That being said I've never had to dye my hair so much since having the twins 😂

Sorry, to agree with you. Yes, this is the ONLY, response to this. Lose weight, look after yourself. You are 43, imagine being 50 and people thinking you are their great grand ma.

You will feel great anyway, if you look after yourself.

I think its just life isnt it. My grandma was 48 when i was born. I was 30 when my eldest was born. All of us could prob have been mixed up as mothers or grandmothers at some point. I just wouldnt let it bother me.

My dh’s sister became a grandmother at 36! 😮

Unkind reply Really why are a woman's looks so important?

It's happened to me a few times, I was 43 when I had my DS ... my DH (who is younger than me) was actually asked in hospital 'Is this your first grandchild?' .

I am not bothered in the slightest.... I am confident enough to not care what other people think about me.

@Ragwort Oh, come on. Op herself admitted she needs to do something. This, after initially OP intimating there was nothing making people say this.

Why attack me? Weight, tiredness of looking after little ones IS AGING. Weight creeps up on you. So OP is right to recognise this and decide, herself, she will work on it. Or do you want OP to just take it on the chin and ignore when she herself is upset at such comments- 2 people saying same thing is concerning.

If nothing, she will be doing it to be healthy for her family.

It depends on the area.

You will learn as a PP has said to ask other children for their "adult".

Then find out their "adult" could be their gran who looks 50 but is actually 65, their uncle who is 18, their full sibling who is 23, etc.

Older parents are becoming the norm now. I still think people make assumptions and still associate young kids with a young person (under 30) as parents. I still have conversations with people that think most women stop having children after 35. Times are changing.

Also there are many young grandparents these days too.

I had my DD young but look much younger that I am so people thought I was a teen mum and I received comments from strangers who felt that they could be mean. It’s annoying and hurtful but I hope you can brush it off.

I would be annoyed because I hate people making assumptions about me from how they think I look .

That being said , often it's noticeable when kids are with their grandparents because the gp are more relaxed around the children and have different body language ( because the gp know they can send them back to their parents) . Maybe they picked up that vibe from you.
Parents tend to be more frazzled with their kids, and that's not age specific to the parents.

I would be gutted too, I was also 38 with first child and 40 with my second. I know I am an older mum.but my head doesn't feel it and my vanity thinks I look younger. I haven't had it said to me but fairly sure people will have thought it. I have had worse when a woman asked me if I was an acquaintance's mother, the acquaintance had just turned 40 (looks closer to 30 but still). I could have murdered the one who said it and will never ever recover from it!!

You have 2 healthy children. When you were going through IVF you would have been delighted with that. Be grateful and be happy. Yes. It happened to me once and I was 38 when DS was born.

I mistook someone for a grandparent rather than a parent and was mortified when I realised my mistake long afterwards.
A Dad of kids a few years behind mine in primary school was in his mid to late 60s with kids of 4 and 6. I was helping at a function and mentioned their grandfather. It was months after when I saw him with his decades younger wife that I realised my mistake:

I remember, I was 18 when my mother turned 60. Yes, she got me late at 42. And that was decades ago. The thing is, people thought we were having her 40th birthday party when we were planning her 60th. She looked that young!

I put it down to unhealthy foods (GMO) the societies now eat. People just look old, tired etc than they used to be. If you add alcohol, junk and English diets which are crap, is it any surprise, people are looking older than their years.

I spend lots, choosing healthy/organic foods and have done since my 20s, exactly so I don't struggle in my 40s, after kids. Also got may kids late. Not keen on alcohol so don't touch it and limit sugar. Choices. Choices.

I'd be mortified! I'm 45yrs with DS6 and DD2 and it's never happened to me yet luckily.

I can see why you find it upsetting and I would too. But you are old enough to be a grandma as well. I'm a similar age and plenty of people I went to school with are grandparents. I think you are taking it as you look at least 60 (or at least whatever the grandma image is when it pops into your head!), but that's not how old most grandparents are.

At our school I think we have quite a diverse range of ages of mothers, but veering towards older. Whereas other schools I have visited seem to be mostly young mums. Could it be the area you live in is more on the young mum side?

I notice this - you can always tell when they’re the parents because they look frazzled, stressed and like they haven’t had a good night’s sleep in 2 years.

I was out with my 6 MONTH old GC recently and was mistaken for the mum! I'm 64 and my eldest AC is 43

If it happens when you're with your husband, it's probably his age skewing things. I probably wouldn't assume a 51 year old was the father of 4 year olds. So if I thought he was grandad, I guess I'd assume you were step-grandma even if you were too young to be biological one (you're not, but you get my point).

If it happens when you're alone, it's strange. Do you live in an area with a lot of younger mothers? As in, 20somethings? That's the only reason I can think of, unless you look significantly older than your age. Older mums aren't the majority where I am, but they're common enough that I don't think people would assume you were grandma.

Been doing the open day rounds at potential schools last few months and a lot of older mums do look old. I'm not surprised it's knackering running after a 4 year old. I'm just 31 and it's put a decade on me!

I wouldn't ve offended by it, as its not like they are assuming you are older than you are. 40s and 50s is perfectly normal and common grandparent age for small children. So you are just as likely to be the childrens grandparents as you are their parents. If you were out with some 20 year olds and they asked if you were their grandparents then that would be rude.

Your partners age probably skews their opinion more, as a man in his 50s will appear to be more grandparent aged as its easy to presume his children would be in their 20s or 30s not under 5.
Its not offensive- they just made a mistake.

My sister was born when my mum was 41, I was 15.
People always presumed I was the mum and my mum was the granny.

Well your DH is for sure far more likely to be a Grandad

For this to be the case , there would need to be two generations who had their kids in their early 20s. Average age for first time dads these days is 33.6 years and women is 30.9.

If a maternal grandfather and mum had kids at average age, then the generation before dad would have needed to be 16 to make him 47 when twin DC were born. If a paternal grandad he would have needed to have them at 13!!

So basically it’s bollox that he’s far more likely to be granddad.

My brother's eldest son was born when his parents were 17 in 1989. They subsequently went on marry other people and have two more kids each. This son (call him Dan) joined the army and had a daughter with his gf when they were 28. So my bro was a grandad when he was in his 40s (and me a great-aunt 😄). He absolutely loves it so has a 6 year old granddaughter and he is 53. Of course if Dan had become a dad at this same age as his parents my bro would have been a grandad at 34.

Chances are you look slightly older than your age and your 50yr old husband probably sways peoples views too. 50 is old for having 4 year olds, that's not a judgement, its just reality. In my child's Y1 class, most dad's are 30s and then maybe 25% are in their early-mid 40s.

You're going to have to grow a thicker skin and accept that's what comes with being an older mum. People wouldn't say it to be cruel, they obviously just see you as more of a grandparent age.

I have a mum friend who's 43 and looks amazing, in no way does she look like a grandma. But if you look older, then you can't blame people assuming that. Again, no judgement, there's no shame in looking older; we all look as we look.

That may well be the case, but it's not common for dads of 4 year olds to be 50+. Both are probably rare.