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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would it upset you if people thought you were grandparents and not parents?

238 replies

familiesarrggghhhhh · 23/12/2023 10:52

This has happened twice to me now. First time in after school club, gave the names of my DC and the lady said “are you the grandma” - erm no I’m not

then last week we were at a park with the DC on their bikes, a couple in their 70’s walked past and said “it’s lovely coming out with the grandkids isn’t it”

I was mortified. I’m 43 so yes I’m an older mum. I have 4 year old twins. My DH is 51 but I honestly don’t think I look like a grandma.

AIBU to be upset and feel a bit down by it or is it just part and parcel of being an “older” mum. But then I think this isn’t 30 years ago, I was 38 when I had my twins (ok I turned 39 when they were 4 weeks old 😂)

we definitely didn’t plan it this way, we went through 5 rounds of IVF to get our twins.

just feeling a little sensitive as I’m also right in the middle of peri menopause, and this just feels like another kick in the teeth

OP posts:
alpenguin · 24/12/2023 16:30

The only time someone thought I was a granny was a boy in my daughter’s class when they were 9/10. His mum had him at 15 and her mum had her at 15 so he only knew of younger grannies. I’d just stopped being IDd for alcohol two years before 😂 was about 43/44

MerryChristmasToYou · 24/12/2023 16:34

@CurlewKate , because she is the children's mother not grandmother, because the man was rude, and because she felt it was insulting.

There's nothing wrong with being a grandma, but she is not a grandma,

notthatthis · 24/12/2023 16:37

That's really sad. I am sorry OP. Is there anything you can do to make yourself feel better?

SallyWD · 24/12/2023 16:40

I wouldn't mind it. I mean, I wouldn't like it! But I wouldn't dwell on it.

StoodySmithereens · 24/12/2023 16:42

It’s the kids who have kids that make you look like the grandma. You cannot compete with a mom who looks 12.

NekonoTe · 24/12/2023 16:47

Of course I wouldn't feel great about it. Can report it's also not fun being mistaken for your children's nanny 🙄

Rosebel · 24/12/2023 16:50

I had my youngest at 40 and I have been asked, only once if I was his grandmother. I am really aware that I'm much older than other parents at nursery and assume it will be the same when he starts school.
My 15 year old (she does look older) has been mistaken for his mum too.
I don't really mind but am not sure how I'll feel as he gets older. With my older two I was in my late 20s/early 30s when they started school so not sure if people will comment.

Lovelylovelyyy · 24/12/2023 17:17

StoodySmithereens · 24/12/2023 16:42

It’s the kids who have kids that make you look like the grandma. You cannot compete with a mom who looks 12.

I'd say the majority of first time mums are mid-20s to mid-30s nowadays. It isn't mostly teens (or kids having kids as you call it) or women in their 40s. Mid 40s and 50s are normal ages to be a grandmother without having been a teen mum.

ALongHardWinter · 24/12/2023 17:22

People should just keep their mouths shut unless they're 100% certain of the facts. I was totally gob smacked a few months ago to be mistaken for my 51 year old friend's mother! I'm 60! At the opposite end of the scale,I was assumed to be my granddaughter's mum about a year ago (she's 17). Just found it bizarre that one person underestimated my age and yet someone else thought I was a 51 year old's mum!

Twitchie · 24/12/2023 20:58

It’s the kids who have kids that make you look like the grandma.

Who are these children? I haven't seen any kids having kids.

CurlewKate · 24/12/2023 21:42

I genuinely don't understand why you would be upset. I was old enough to be a grandma when I had my children-why would I mind if people thought that's what I was?

Poppyseason · 25/12/2023 05:05

You are a very normal age parent where I live @familiesarrggghhhhh I don't have any friends who had dc under age 30 and more than several were late 30's and early 40's.

Sorry this has happened to you. Be proud of your lovely family and the hard journey you had.

CurlewKate · 25/12/2023 08:09

So does it follow that you'd be proud and pleased if you were actually a grandma and someone thought you were the mum?

AvengedQuince · 25/12/2023 08:18

Twitchie · 24/12/2023 20:58

It’s the kids who have kids that make you look like the grandma.

Who are these children? I haven't seen any kids having kids.

There are some 15 to 17 year olds having babies, but younger is very rare. Being a grandmother in your 40s needn't involve any teenage parents at all though.

CurlewKate · 25/12/2023 08:48

Oh god-this isn't about disapproving of young mothers, is it? "If they think I'm a granny they must think I......gasp.... must have had my children really young. The shame..."

AvengedQuince · 25/12/2023 08:59

My parents were 44/45 and there was no 'kids having kids' involved. I was 22.

Twitchie · 25/12/2023 09:36

There are some 15 to 17 year olds having babies, but younger is very rare. Being a grandmother in your 40s needn't involve any teenage parents at all though.

Or being mistaken for one.

I personally take a sim view of the phrase 'kids having kids'. To the pp who said that, you have no idea under what circumstances going people have children, whether it was consensual or they had access to contraceptives or abortion. Mind your damn business.

It's not teen parents making you look old.

TragicMuse · 25/12/2023 19:20

We're older parents. One of the times we were mistaken for grandparents I said brightly 'no, parents!' The commenter got incredibly embarrassed and tried to make that my problem while trying to hastily retract.

Yes, it's idle chit chat but don't get pissed off at me for corrective your assumption!

PGmicstand · 26/12/2023 10:26

TragicMuse · 25/12/2023 19:20

We're older parents. One of the times we were mistaken for grandparents I said brightly 'no, parents!' The commenter got incredibly embarrassed and tried to make that my problem while trying to hastily retract.

Yes, it's idle chit chat but don't get pissed off at me for corrective your assumption!

Yes, I've had that.
Eas out at a car show with DC. Looking at classic minis etc and DC commented on a car, from the mid-60s. Some random woman started commenting that "Granny probably saw lots of those when she was your age" whilst looking at me.
I said that Granny A was born a fair while before those ones, and Granny B had grown up very rurally, so probably not. The woman then got all huffy with me, and said she was just making conversation.

mrlistersgelfbride · 26/12/2023 11:00

I wouldn't like it , but you are at an age where being a grandma is possible so I'd not be too upset based on that, if that makes sense?
I was 32 when I had DD and looked really young then. I've aged a lot in the last 6 years, if I ever had another I'm sure some people would think I was a grandma.

lapsedbookworm · 26/12/2023 11:04

I had the opposite issue, I had DS at 29 but looked very young for my age. And most of the mums where we live were having their children in their late 30s/early 40s. They seemed to look down on me as some kind of feckless teen mum even though I was actually a well established professional by the time I had my son.

(And for avoidance of doubt I know quite a number of amazing mums who actually did have their children in their teens)

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 26/12/2023 11:05

My dd1 and youngest dsis are both young adults. There’s a few years between them but they look more or less the same age. But obviously dds grandparents are dsis’ parents. No he would blame anyone for getting mixed up.

I was a young parent and get mistaken for dds sibling with fair regularity. Can’t blame people after all dd and dsis look a similar age and I am dsis’ sibling. The only time it was an issue was at medical type appointments when it can be harder to be taken seriously when you look like a very young parent (I was young but def an adult when I had my dds).

Neolara · 26/12/2023 11:08

I went to a restaurant with my 2yo and my friend who is about 4 years younger than me. I was 42 at the time. The waitress came over and said, "Aw, lovely. Three generations". And that is why I've been dying my hair for the last 17 years...

lapsedbookworm · 26/12/2023 11:08

There were quite a number of mum's at the toddler groups we went to who I initially assumed were the grandma, but I am glad I had the wisdom to not say anything either way as they did all turn out to be the mum. I think if you have your children in your late 30s /early 40s you have to accept that you could be mistaken for a grandparent

OnlyCorrect · 26/12/2023 11:26

lapsedbookworm · 26/12/2023 11:08

There were quite a number of mum's at the toddler groups we went to who I initially assumed were the grandma, but I am glad I had the wisdom to not say anything either way as they did all turn out to be the mum. I think if you have your children in your late 30s /early 40s you have to accept that you could be mistaken for a grandparent

This is so area-dependant though. Where I live most women with young children are 40+ and the rare 20-something mums complain about assumptions that they're the au pair/nanny.