To be annoyed by these comments from MIL? How to respond?

[mamamanda]

Just arrived at MIL's house for Xmas and the comments are already pouring in from her. Any good responses? She always saying similar things

A) we arrive today and my husband asks if she minds washing a jumper that our DC spilt juice on on our way here. Her response "oh did Amy [me] not have time to wash it at home?!"
B) acts like I'm not in the room. So says things like "oh finally!!! I've missed you two so much" ie my DH and DC. Not even a "hello" to me until about 5mins after I've entered
C) "you're looking slim! Is mummy not making you nice food?" to my DC who is nearly 3
D) "ah why are they taking you away? You'd have so much more fun here with me!" about the fact we are leaving them mid next week to spend some time with my side of the family
E) when she discovered my bilingual DC doesn't know some English nursery rhymes (knows a lot more in my language, I'm a SAHM) "oh does mummy never sing with you?!"

I don't want to start explaining myself or justifying my choices like "oh actually I do sing!" Or "she has fun with my family too!" because I shouldn't have to justify my choices to her...but I do want to stand up for myself.

Never had a big argument and she just started being cold shortly after our engagement (5yrs ago)
DH either says he didn't hear something she said, wasn't there or she doesn't mean anything by it.

Sorry what was that you said?
Did you mean to be rude?

if your dh isn’t going to call her out on her behaviour you will have to

Bloody hell, she sounds awful.

Well you can read the riot act to your husband to tell her to rein it in or you're leaving with the bairn.

Or you can tell her yourself and have the row

Or you can put up with it

Either your husband needs to tell her straight, or you refuse to go and see her.

But other than that all you can do is be blunt , be honest, tell her she's rude, roll your eyes and laugh at her. Don't try and win with a justification or get into a discussion. Don't bother being nice either.

In fairness to A) my husband responded with "yeah I didn't have time to wash it because DC literally spilt it on the journey" ... I meaning him, DH. He kinda corrected her.

But overall to him MIL can do no wrong and we can't call her up on anything or she gets upset so he gets irrationally upset that she's upset.

That is quite horrific and sustained and you are right to feel hard done by and I’m sorry your DH refuses to see it. Of course she fucking does mean something by it. You’re there for a week?? Seriously, leave Boxing Day if you have to stay. She wants you to leave a she then thinks her DS yoir DH will move back in, my MIL was hoping I would die so my DH would move home to live with her.

When you DH comes back in the room,

darling listen to this, so funny, your mum thinks I don’t sing with our baby. Tell her I never stop

your mum is making me laugh so much, she thinks we won’t have fun with my family, tell her about my dad making you laugh last t8me we were there

sweetheart, your mum thinks I don’t feed our baby, go on, tell her how much the baby eats

all said with a huge smile on your face as if she is the funniest person you have ever met.

the tinkling laugh is useful here too.

she is not a nice woman at all is she

Why isn’t your husband standing up for you?

I think YABU and totally oversensitive. The only comment there that's even VAGUELY off is the one about washing the jumper.

The rest I think she doesn't mean anything by it.

I know it's rude, but if your DC are bilingual I'd probably laugh and say cheerfully (in my native language) 'Goodness, Granny's being a bit silly, isn't she? You know LOTS of our songs' to them.

And then give her a wide beaming smile.

Unfortunately it's very difficult because people do not like to hear their parents criticised. He is going to have to come to terms with it though because it boils down to the fact that he would rather upset you than his mother. You need to communicate to him that he is making the choice to put her before you, that is a choice is making that is going to harm your relationship.

Rather than criticise his mother directly I would talk about how you feel and what you would like him to do about it.

His mother needs to know that upsetting you will displease her son.

Actually think I'll do this.
I've just had enough

If I try to be nice, I could suggest she is insecure.
Even if this is the case, it doesn't justify her being unpleasant.
If DH can't (or won't) speak up, then tell him that next year you want to do a chill xmas at home just you 3, and that he can take DD to see MIL on his own later.

Use the magic phrase 'silly granny' to beat her at her passive aggressive game

A) Silly granny, doesn't she know your jumper got juice on it in the car?
B) Ignore
C) Silly granny, does she think mummy doesn't feed you?!
D) Silly granny, doesn't she know you have fun with both sides of your family?
E) Silly granny, does she think you only sing English rhymes?

Not recommended long term as it doesn't set a good model of behaviour for your kids but if you stick with it then it can knock it on the head now !

If she says anything about you saying silly granny, just say she needs to stop saying silly things and you'll stop pointing them out !

I'd just agree with her. "Oh you're so right MIL, of course I can only cook disgusting, inedible slop for my children, that's why they are wasting away".

"No MIL I care so little for my children, I have never once sang with them, how right you are".

This is a good idea! Wish I was bilingual & could do this to my horrible MIL!

Dramatically stop whatever you are doing and say "Did you actually mean that the way it sounded"

You don't have to have a big argument but you really do need to stop letting her get away with the passive aggressive comments delivered through your child. You need to tell her to stop it right now before your child notices, although to be honest you have probably let it go on too long now.

A) we arrive today and my husband asks if she minds washing a jumper that our DC spilt juice on on our way here. Her response "oh did Amy [me] not have time to wash it at home?!" did you not hear dh say dc spilt juice on it? Maybe you should get your hearing tested in the new year

B) acts like I'm not in the room. So says things like "oh finally!!! I've missed you two so much" ie my DH and DC. Not even a "hello" to me until about 5mins after I've entered hi MIL did you not see me, maybe a visit to specsavers for your hearing and eyes in the new year

C) "you're looking slim! Is mummy not making you nice food?" to my DC who is nearly 3 they prefer my countries (insert name) food which is much healthier, I think people in the uk are far more overweight, don't you mil

D) "ah why are they taking you away? You'd have so much more fun here with me!" about the fact we are leaving them mid next week to spend some time with my side of the family they can't wait to see my family, they have so much fun with them

E) when she discovered my bilingual DC doesn't know some English nursery rhymes (knows a lot more in my language, I'm a SAHM) "oh does mummy never sing with you?!" I sing to them in 'insert language' dh sings in English, maybe that's why they don't know as much

I'd have no problem being straight with her. You could have a bit of fun. If your dh is in ear shot, simply repeat what she's said or bring it up at the dinner table. "Dh, your dm suggested our dc is slim, do you think it's something we're not feeding them?" Or "dh your dm thinks dc don't know any English nursery rhymes, what do you think" and then keep on going, "oh dh your dm mentioned we should leave the dc with them as they'll have more fun here. What do you reckon?"

Pretend you didn’t quite hear and ask her to repeat. It will sound ruder the second time. The act puzzled and say ‘sorry what do you mean?’

Pull her up on everything in front of dh.
He's protecting her but why isn't he sticking up for you ?
He's an arsehole

I would go with

A - oh is your heating starting to fail? He said the juice got spilt on the journey.

B- oh you noticed I was here?

C - please don’t say things like that to our child. What do you mean by tasty food?

D - this one wouldn’t have bothered me

E - I speak more than one language as you know. Or have you forgotten.

Or point out that she is being rude (and possibly xenophobic) every time ‘I am sure you don’t realise but that comes across very rude’
Or tell your dh to speak to her and if she doesn’t stop it you and the child will be leaving.

I find with these kind of people that as soon as you call them out, and it rarely takes more than once or twice, they stop. They don't mind dishing it out but they can't take it back.

"Oh, grandma is worrying for nothing, you're going to have SO much fun with your other cousins, aren't you!"

"Yes, the nurse was so pleased that she's such a perfect weight for her height"

"Sweetheart, shall we sing your favourite song to grandma?" (And proceed to sing something in your language, but with your attention solely on your DC).

"Oh gosh, it's so nice to be missed, isn't it sweetheart?" (Again, talking to your DC). Just pretend that the greeting was for you too, and ignore the fact that you were ignored.

The juice one, I would hope your DH said something. Tell him "you KNOW your mother is being rude, stop pretending it's not happening."

You could also use those opportunities to say something to your DD in your language, your MIL will seethe over not understanding what you're saying.

Pretend she's being polite though (and sometimes respond to something completely different to what she has said or asked) and respond gushingly back. She will have to do one of 2 things. Either she will have to grudgingly accept that you will not be "put in your place", or she will have to ramp it up and even your "head in the sand, pretending nothing bad is happening" DH will be forced to respond/act.

I had one like this and for what it’s worth it doesn’t get better. It’s so fucking tedious. I wish I had stood up for myself and if I had my time with her again I definitely would have. Your H sounds weak. Make alternative plans next year. Good luck.

This but tweak - "granny's being silly" not "silly granny". Classic behaviour not person, means it's clear she can choose to do otherwise.