To be annoyed by these comments from MIL? How to respond?

[mamamanda]

Just arrived at MIL's house for Xmas and the comments are already pouring in from her. Any good responses? She always saying similar things

A) we arrive today and my husband asks if she minds washing a jumper that our DC spilt juice on on our way here. Her response "oh did Amy [me] not have time to wash it at home?!"
B) acts like I'm not in the room. So says things like "oh finally!!! I've missed you two so much" ie my DH and DC. Not even a "hello" to me until about 5mins after I've entered
C) "you're looking slim! Is mummy not making you nice food?" to my DC who is nearly 3
D) "ah why are they taking you away? You'd have so much more fun here with me!" about the fact we are leaving them mid next week to spend some time with my side of the family
E) when she discovered my bilingual DC doesn't know some English nursery rhymes (knows a lot more in my language, I'm a SAHM) "oh does mummy never sing with you?!"

I don't want to start explaining myself or justifying my choices like "oh actually I do sing!" Or "she has fun with my family too!" because I shouldn't have to justify my choices to her...but I do want to stand up for myself.

Never had a big argument and she just started being cold shortly after our engagement (5yrs ago)
DH either says he didn't hear something she said, wasn't there or she doesn't mean anything by it.

I would just spend less time with her. She sounds awful and your husband isn't sticking up for you so just never go again. Tell your husband that you are sick of all the pass ag shit from her that he ignores.

This is what I did with my MIL when she started with all this when my kids were tiny and it worked well. She soon she had to be a lot nicer to me. We just don't see her very often now.

Excellent 😆🤣😆🤣

Does DH speak your native tongue?

I think it could be VERY fun to play Grandma Bingo in it, especially if her remarks are predictable.

It's so easy to be a decent parent in law (parent to adult child too) Just be nice and don't try to control them. My son loves me but he would not stand for me being rude to his wife, and rightly so!

This is actually quite clever. I’d do this and mess with her head!

My MIL is exactly the same, she was lovely for 6 years, until we got engaged. She's been passive aggressive ever since. She even sent out her own wedding invites to my wedding without telling me or DH because she didn't like my ones! So all of DH's side of the family got two invites each behind our backs, a sign of things to come!

I've wasted enough energy getting pissed off and upset with her and 14 years later I just relax when I'm at her house, give her a fake hug, 'Hello,!" and "You look lovely!" she never says it back to me 🤣'... then I put my feet up while she tries to demonstrate to everyone how perfect a mum, grandma, cook, cleaner etc. she is.

Fine by me, I'm happy to sit and watch / ignore her completely depending on my mood with a glass of wine and some nibbles. I'm relaxed and she gets more and more irritated that I'm not reacting.

Give it a go.... from a fellow DIL whose 14 years deep in this! Cheers!

Threads like this make me so grateful, my MIL is absolutely lovely.

I would do the tinkly laugh and repeat of her comments to DH because he really needs to see and act on your behalf, she is not being nice at all.

Tell her 'I wish you could hear how it sounds when you say things like that, it sounds so ignorant.' Be horrible back to her, your husband won't stand up for you, so someone has to. Snap and say something, anything. Even, 'I'm really starting to wish we hadn't come'.

I wish we could teach women to be less accommodating, less nice, more upfront. Being too nice is not worth it.

Your DH needs to tell her to back off with the bitchy snide comments and ask her exactly what her problem is with you
Either that or you have the stand up slanging match with her about her attitude towards you , after all it is Christmas

This thread is Mumsnet at its best, so many good suggestions.

Personally I think every time she said something offensive I’d look at her directly and say something humorous or silly to your child in your own language so that you both laugh to make her paranoid. If she complains to your dh you’ve done nothing wrong.

Sympathy OP. I had a very similar MIL. I wish I had stuck up for myself much earlier however we were so young when we got together and I found her really intimidating. And my husband, tough in every other way, couldn't stand up to her either.

I could list many many things she did, but her party trick was to pull my baby out of my arms and croon "You don't love your mummy, you don't love your mummy you love your grandma best" over and over. I wouldn't stand for it now and looking back it's hard to explain why I ever did, but when everyone else accepts it as "just the way she is" it's extremely difficult.

The iron entered my soul when my dad died and she made it all about her and how upset she was and how much she'd miss him. He was MY Dad. I grew up at that moment. I took her on every time after that. She was a bully and bullies need to be challenged. She'd get angry but as a PP said, the trick is not to care. Bizarrely, she actually quite liked me in the end I didn't like her though

I had the same experience as another PP. I was going into hospital for a fairly major op. She said "I've always told my friends, if you die under the anaesthetic, I'll be moving in with (DH) until he remarries". It was obviously an idea she'd cherished for quite a while.

I still feel angry at how difficult she was towards me as a young mum and think how different it could have been with a supportive affectionate MIL. I was useful as a producer of grandchildren but then criticised constantly. It's just not OK. Don't put up with it. I wish you well

@Snowfalling I hear you, but arguing with your in law's is never going to end well and ultimately it's what a passive aggressive MIL wants in my view. To be able to say, "See! I knew you should never have married her!" Your in law's and husband are all going to stick up for their mum, and think you're awful, she'll start crying and you'll be the villain forever. It's just not worth it. Don't give her what she wants.

I’d just have the argument and go home but I don’t have time for that shit.

Frankly? Tell DH to tell her one more comment and you and DS are leaving (your son should not experience you being talked to like that). DH can choose if he stays or not - and (you don't have to tell him this, it sounds like blackmail) you decide about your future based on what he does.

Ir,every time:that's very rude, MIL, it's not necessary

@Dacadactyl

So everything else @mamamanda mother in law says
you would be OK about if she was your mother in law,

you think Op@mamamanda is being over senistive , or is it her mother in law one of the types of people who say things in such a snide way that it comes across to outsider's that she is being ok,
but in reality it's a sly judgemental pointed remarks, done in such a way that its not obvious that she is putting you down,
you can't quite put your finger on it

Mother in law is smart enough, to know not make it too obvious, so her son doesn't notice what she is doing, he feels a bit confused perplexed,

the thing is he is so normalised to this type of thing that he doesn't notice when it happens becomes his become so habituated to it allmost like a way a dog is trained or he downplays it,

bit of tricky situation to navigate situations like this,

Loudly repeat every rude comment and either get her to explain herself or laugh loudly and say ‘What a ridiculous thing to say, Eileen, whoever gave you such a stupid idea?’ More disbelieving laughter. If it all gets too much, pack up the kids and go to your family, then never go there again. I would refuse to deal with her nonsense.

Why are they taking you away?

You're coming out with some very odd comments MIL, I think its best you rest a bit. Its not good for DD to hear you saying unkind things like that.

All said with a faux concern and sympathy.

OP I've had a good moan above still bitter but realise I haven't actually offered any advice!

I'm not into playing games and prefer to be straight with people.

I think the same technique I employed with my teenage son when he was cheeky or surly (not often to be fair) would work:

" MIL when you say X it makes me feel Y" said really calmly.

eg "MIL when you say I don't feed my child properly it makes me feel as if you think I'm a bad mum"

"MIL when you say I don't sing with my daughter it makes me feel as if you think I'm a bad mum"

etc etc .. and just wait for a response

She will have to either deny it, or if she agrees you are a bad mum she's putting herself squarely in the wrong.

You're not openly attacking her as a horrible person, just commenting on how she makes you feel. So it's not an argument; you're describing your own feelings. I hope that makes sense.

@Gotosleepnow2023 you are my hero!!! 🤣🤣

As pp have said, ask her to repeat what she's said when she does this. I read recently that it works really well with people who try to belittle others as it causes them to stop and think, and to have to either go through with saying the rude comment again or to back down, and hopefully stop the behaviour.

If she does have the nerve to repeat herself then that's maybe your cue to come back with something witty. I'm not a quick thinker though so if it was me, I'd have my come back ready within about 24-48 hours 😂

Strongly encourage your child to sing ALL the second language songs she knows, really really loudly. Surely she'd love to hear Alouette/Los peces en El Rio (nicely seasonal)/Poesje mauw/Kotki dwa over and over

I like this! Use the bitch’s bigotry against her.

Look her in the eye, “MIL, peace and goodwill, for the next 4 days please do not criticise me. Thank you “

I think I'd reply as if she'd criticised you and your dh together because it would piss her off. So to the "Is mummy not feeding you?" comment, I'd say "of course daddy and and I/we feed you lovely food, don't we sweetheart" or "does mummy not sing to you?" say "daddy and I/ we sing to you all the time" etc etc

Just respond with "we" if she criticises you. She'll hopefully get all flustered at the thought you're assuming she's criticising her son.

I had something similar a few years ago OP. Day 2 and I had had a gutful. Do you actually want me and my children to be here MIL ? We can go right now no problem to us I would be glad to go . I said She didnt know what to do with herself. It was worth it just to see her face.