To be annoyed by these comments from MIL? How to respond?

[mamamanda]

Just arrived at MIL's house for Xmas and the comments are already pouring in from her. Any good responses? She always saying similar things

A) we arrive today and my husband asks if she minds washing a jumper that our DC spilt juice on on our way here. Her response "oh did Amy [me] not have time to wash it at home?!"
B) acts like I'm not in the room. So says things like "oh finally!!! I've missed you two so much" ie my DH and DC. Not even a "hello" to me until about 5mins after I've entered
C) "you're looking slim! Is mummy not making you nice food?" to my DC who is nearly 3
D) "ah why are they taking you away? You'd have so much more fun here with me!" about the fact we are leaving them mid next week to spend some time with my side of the family
E) when she discovered my bilingual DC doesn't know some English nursery rhymes (knows a lot more in my language, I'm a SAHM) "oh does mummy never sing with you?!"

I don't want to start explaining myself or justifying my choices like "oh actually I do sing!" Or "she has fun with my family too!" because I shouldn't have to justify my choices to her...but I do want to stand up for myself.

Never had a big argument and she just started being cold shortly after our engagement (5yrs ago)
DH either says he didn't hear something she said, wasn't there or she doesn't mean anything by it.

I'm old but I politely put up with years of this nonsense from my mother in law and trust me it just gets worse and worse left unchallenged.
It damaged my relationship with my DH and I let her get away with it until she actually started to damage the relationship with my daughter as well.
Ultimately the only thing that stopped her was DH finally turning on her. I really feel for you OP, and I'm so sorry you are going through this.
My advice to you would be never to let one comment go unchallenged. Find your courage, you are worth respect.

I think it does need a conversation - maybe not this visit but certainly before another one.

My MIL is a nice and kind person but loves to argue about politics and they're not debates because she's already decided what she thinks. In the early days of our relationship she constantly did this including once on a packed train.

DH and FIL told her to stop and she did. Our relationship is much better for it.

Good lord, you're already there, and you're not leaving until the middle of next week, why? Have you travelled half way around the word? Are plane tickets hundreds of pounds each? Even with people I like that's too long, but with a witch like your MIL that would be hell. Next year, as she insists on being so horrible, simply refuse to visit for so long. If you're husband wants to go for a long visit, he can go on his own.

I haven't read all the replies so you no doubt have some really good ones but for what it is worth - WHY are you tolerating this? Because you are a stay at home mum so you feel you need to? This is dam right abusive off of her and I'd be leaving. Life is too short for such shitty behaviour.

I had a toxic mother in law who stabbed me right where it hurt eventually and I wish I had walked away the second I felt she was starting. Your monster in law is being blatant. WALK for yourself and children!

But why did he ask her to wash it in the first place??? Is he incapable of washing a jumper?

It's her house I assume he didn't just want to take over and put a single jumper in the machine

Oh yes she does mean it. Passive aggression at its best. Dripping poison into the child’s ear.

“I’m sorry I didn’t quite hear that and I’m sure your son didn’t either, could you repeat it please so we can all hear it”
”Don’t be daft, he’s not looking thin. Anyone would think you’re implying I’m starving him ” or “ He looks half starved.. not”
” I’m sure you’d love to keep him here but he loves seeing his other grandparents and they, just like you do love spending time with him” .
OP, your DH should be more concerned about your feelings than hers, If he ever wants sex with you again.

My ex mil was like this I tried to ignore it spoke to my husband about it eventually my mouth took over and my face so for example if she refused to say hello for 10 minutes when she relented and spoke I said "ahh well done you hello nice to see you I've missed your warm welcome" when she told me I was still looking fat I mean pregnant the day after I gave birth I stared at her (she was overweight) stomach and snapped really? (The nurse thought I was going to smack her) when she began sobbing about something or nothing I simply handed her tissues and removed the children from the drama zone she hated that she needed her audience

She's the type of MIL who gives MILs a bad name! Thankfully most MILS are not like her. I can't decide whether it would be better to completely ignore all her ridiculous comments or actually address and discuss each one. I think I'd go for the latter.

Oh OP, I had one just like this! Reading the things you wrote here made me shudder at the memory, she was bloody awful, so you have my full sympathy.

I just used to ignore her - mine had a superiority complex but was really desperate for validation and attention (attention summer in general), but a critical family situation showed up just what a shit excuse of a human being she really was and it all came out! Everything I'd suppressed over the years came out (and not in an eloquent or constructive way either) and I went NC.

I'm clearly not the person to advise on how to deal with this, but you have my huge sympathies.

So the question is why have you agreed to go for Christmas.

This must be the last time. After Christmas explain to DH that she’s so awful to you and you get so little support from him that you will not go to stay with them again. That he has a choice: either he grows up and acknowledges how MIL treats you or you will lose your respect and trust.

You have my full sympathies OP!

Hope your husband can back you up, and she doesn’t destroy your relationship too.

Time to deploy some Mumsnet classics to your MIL, including:

"Did you mean to be so rude"

"No is a complete sentence"

Do a tinkly laugh to everything she says just to piss her off.

Go no contact

Grand finale of telling her you're LTB - Leaving the Bitch

Incidentally there's a saying, 'fish and guests smell after three days'. (Benjamin Franklin).

Three days is enough.

I have a very difficult MIL, although now (after 39 years of marriage) she behaves herself and the balance of power has shifted.

When she was particularly vile to me in the early years (out for a big family occasion, and I was young and post-natal) I ended up crying in the loos while one of her sisters comforted me and said 'She's always been like this'.

I decided to take the bull by the horns so the next morning I phoned her and said I was coming to speak to her. We lived locally so I was there in 10 minutes. I just asked her why she'd been so nasty to me the previous evening and she immediately burst into tears and apologised.

I don't think anyone ever stood up to her and now I think back to it I'm amazed that I did, as like many people I dislike confrontation. But she didn't do it again and I think she knew at the point that I wan't going to just passively accept it.

Whatever you choose to do OP, take a stand - don't just ignore it. Don't let her bully you.

I'm in my late 50's, women used to do the digs through the children all of the time. As children you are confused by it, you know that something is wrong but no-one is reacting. A lot of these suggestions are teaching the child to be rude, how not to communicate and how to handle conflict. It's really important as women that we don't let this go down the generations. You tell your DH that it's damaging for your child to be the tool of insults. It's either you shut it down, or you won't be doing as much visiting going forward. The food comment should have been met with " do you really think that I'm not feeding them?" And then a polite "don't make passive aggressive comments through my child". You should have batted the nursery rhyme comment to your DH, telling him that he needs to sing in English more. Your DH has a choice to make, because this will eventually become noticeable to your child and just like he loves and wants to protect her, your child will feel the same towards their Mum.

Op I sometimes get a bit irritated by “let’s pile in on MIL” threads because they often smack of an entitled DIL who chose to marry DH knowing his background then wants to muscle her way of doing things, expecting DH to rail against his family as she is. However, in this instance I think MIL is being very childish. What I would definitely caution against is all the “descending to her level” responses on here. It will win the battle ( at best) but not the war. Personally I would head her off by being the adult. You don’t need DH to be puppeteered by you through this. Find a moment when you and MIL can be alone and say you would like to discuss sonething with her. Keep calm and explain that these comments come across as attempts to belittle you in front of the children. Tell her you would love the children to be able to grow up feeling there was a kind and supportive dynamic there, and to think that their grandmother respects their mother. Tell her you find it hurtful, but that your even bigger concern is the children and their views of the dynamic. If she isn’t looking receptive, you could add the twist that you don’t want them to think she is nasty to their mum. Finish by asking if we can please work to be a united extended family. It may not work but it’s better to try the adult approach first.

Oh sorry, I see the singing bean has said something similar. We crossed in posting. You don’t need to make this a rotten fruit-slinging war from behind the shield of DH. Just calmly address it - and try your best to stay unemotional.

You could burst into song with the kids in your native language ? She sounds awful tbf .

I hope that between now and when you leave, MiL learns that a cherished and welcomed DiL is beneficial long term for regular visits and good relationships with her son and grandchild

as a SAHM then keeping the children s clothes clean is your domain.

Oh right, so OP forgot to use her magic powers to stop DC spilling juice during the journey. WTF?!

Perhaps DH shouldn't have asked MIL about washing the jumper on arrival, but sometimes stains can't wait and as it's not his home, he was polite and asked his mum first. I've had people with kids arrive who needed an emergency wash for an item - you laugh gently in understanding, and either do it yourself or point the way to your machine.

LOL. There speaks the person who has not experienced racism.

when she discovered my bilingual DC doesn't know some English nursery rhymes (knows a lot more in my language, I'm a SAHM) "oh does mummy never sing with you?!"

Mine was rather less subtle: "Why do you have to be different?" And talking about how rude it was for refugees at her employment many years ago to talk to each other in their native language. Yes, when I spoke to my mum in the phone - a private conversation, albeit in MIL's house - we slipped naturally into our mother tongue.

It took a while for dh to see it. At first he was very distressed because he felt good parents were trying to force him to choose between them and us (ie me and our dc1), and he is also TBH somewhat browbeaten by his dad.

Things changed when I decided to no longer bother about trying to be a good DIL, trying to love them or get them to love me. I stood up for myself and treated them coolly if they were rude to me. I made a few predictions about their behaviour to dh. Things like "I want to visit X. When they ask what we want to do - and you know how they always say 'We want to make sure you have a nice time', I will suggest X and Y, and say that I prefer X. You will see that we end up going to Y." After a few occasions like that, dh began to understand the unpleasant dynamic between his parents and me. When dh saw that the sky didn't not fall when I did not bow down to everything his parents did or said, he too developed the courage to stand up for himself and for us. It was much harder for him than for me.

I think it took about 10y for my ILs to realise that, actually, I'm OK, even if I am from a different culture and religion, and that our dc are OK, even if they are bicultural and have very different lives from the ILs.

And dh's relationship with his parents has improved because of his firm and dignified behaviour when their batshittery flares.

Do it back. With women like that its the only way, and the best way to do it is to make her look old/senile just as she is trying to imply you're a sloppy mother.

"Oh DD silly grandma is getting very forgetful she knows we don't eat biscuits right before lunch!"

Or whatever inane thing you can think of.

That’s going to be a lovely environment for the children - and sets a wonderful example of how to be adult. 🙄

I don't visit my in laws anymore. I had amongst a decade of nasty digs and unkindness, some of the most recent comments were that I had caused my child's dyslexia by not sitting and reading with/to him and that I had caused both of my children trauma. I had the trauma comment over and over again for 6 months. I'm an engaged mum and teacher and I most definitely have read to and with my child and supported him so much with his persistent literacy difficulties so that comment cut really deep. I can only attribute the perceived "trauma" to the fact that we moved house and the children moved schools.

Things also changed for me once we got married, and then the nastiness got more intense when children came along.

On Mother's Day this year I saw my in laws for the last time (apart from one horrible visit to our house with my father in law-he's a weird git too).

Husband is entirely supportive and has stood up for me numerous times, weve said things in person, in email, in text. It falls entirely on deaf ears with them. He takes the kids round now and then for a few hours. Weirdly since I stopped going, they turn on my husband more often now.

I feel guilt at cutting them out but i've decided in 2024 that I'm leaving the guilt behind. I value family highly but this experience has made me re-evaluate that. Family is important to me but it is more important that I'm not a doormat and I show that to my kids. I've had 12/13 years of this ridiculous unkind behaviour. I've known them for 22 years. I actually was prescribed propanolol for anxiety for a visit over Xmas two years ago. That was the beginning of the end to be honest and it's no exaggeration that they have ruined a little part of my life. So I have walked away.

It's not easy to walk away and doesn't solve the problem or deal with all the past behaviour. What it does do is protect you going forward and create safety through distance.