To be annoyed by these comments from MIL? How to respond?

[mamamanda]

Just arrived at MIL's house for Xmas and the comments are already pouring in from her. Any good responses? She always saying similar things

A) we arrive today and my husband asks if she minds washing a jumper that our DC spilt juice on on our way here. Her response "oh did Amy [me] not have time to wash it at home?!"
B) acts like I'm not in the room. So says things like "oh finally!!! I've missed you two so much" ie my DH and DC. Not even a "hello" to me until about 5mins after I've entered
C) "you're looking slim! Is mummy not making you nice food?" to my DC who is nearly 3
D) "ah why are they taking you away? You'd have so much more fun here with me!" about the fact we are leaving them mid next week to spend some time with my side of the family
E) when she discovered my bilingual DC doesn't know some English nursery rhymes (knows a lot more in my language, I'm a SAHM) "oh does mummy never sing with you?!"

I don't want to start explaining myself or justifying my choices like "oh actually I do sing!" Or "she has fun with my family too!" because I shouldn't have to justify my choices to her...but I do want to stand up for myself.

Never had a big argument and she just started being cold shortly after our engagement (5yrs ago)
DH either says he didn't hear something she said, wasn't there or she doesn't mean anything by it.

^Totally this.

I would be worried about her undermining me to the kids. Sounds like a shorter visit next time.

In my experience there's no point trying to argue with people that want to be nasty- try to ignore and see them less.

These comments sounds identical to those I’ve heard from my MIL over the years. You’ll lose it one of these days OP and hopefully that’ll put her in her place.

IMHO I wouldn't play any 'games' or retaliate with anything, or set up anything that will escalate things.

Just put her straight...

Juice got on the top in the car not at home....

I sing to the kids a lot....

Kids are a good size for age...

They'll have good fun with you, of course and good fun when we go to XYZ in a few days.

Lastly, if she doesn't acknowledge you when you arrive, either let it slide or you acknowledge her, maybe a compliment - you look great or something smells nice, etc.

TBF 5 minutes is not that long.

"Give it a rest Sheila", whilst dramatically rolling your eyes to the ceiling.

If you stay quiet as a mouse and not call her out, she'll continue with this incessant undermining/bullying toward you. Start reacting!! There are loads of suggestions on the thread, find your voice and start sticking up for yourself. Once you put bullies in their place, they tend to back off.

Sing with DD in your first language, and be joyful. Really, really joyful.
Don't let her steal your shine, be the mum you are, and almost act like MIL isn't there.

It'll grate on her, but you know, she's probably very insecure in herself and whilst I would probably feel the need to respond in kind, you don't need to sink to her level so she can use it for amateur dramatics where she is the victim.

I hope you enjoy the time with your family once this trip to MIL from hell is over.

There are some good suggestions on here. I particularly like the granny is being silly one. If you say it with a light tone then she won’t know if you are serious or not, but she’ll get fed up with it. If she moans about it, as the pp said, then say seriously that if she stops saying silly things, you won’t need to point out it’s silly.

Short term pain for long term gain.

Youre dh is either lying or thick

doesnt have your back and i wouldnt even visit her anymore

my mil didnt like me that much but didnt say anything till a big argument where she told him to divorce me-he didnt excuse it he jsut calmly said i wont be doing that and if you dont apologise you wont see me again

none of this wishy washy she doesnt mean ti crap

Your MIL will always be herself (difficult) and to keep peace in the family I would use the Granny is being silly (smiling) sometimes. Mostly model kindness; your kids have enough of snide examples from Granny.
Keep your distance, ask your DH to be alert and to be your knight in shining armour. You can not risk being negative/honest but he can.

Do not blame DH for seeing the best in his parents.

Thankfully Christmas is but once per year and your MIL might calm down and become sweet when older age sets in.

She sounds like my mum, OP. My mum who I haven’t seen for years because she’s such an energy draining vampire. Don’t think of replies, just stare at her a bit too long.
Then stop going round there to take her shit, make sure you protect your children from it too.

Nope to the tip toeing around her, tell her straight and tell husband you won't be spoken to like that... End of discussion. She's a nasty fucker.

My MIL tried this shit with me in the early days. My DH took her to one side and told her to stop. He listed her crimes and said he didn't want to hear them again or he wouldn't be interested in her interacting with us and the kids. She stopped. Really. She didn't apologize but she learned some new, neutral "phrases" (SIL probably coached her) and its been ok since then, some 15 years down the line. But it needs nipping in the bud by DH not you.

Yet another FOG-bound man who won't defend his wife against mummy.

Looks like you're going to have to deal with her yourself.

I'd be direct, rather than deflecting via your DC with the 'silly granny' approach.

Every single time she says something, I'd look at her without blinking and say for example

'What do you mean?'

'I don't get it, could you explain that?'

Keep up the analysis, then after she has been under the spotlight for a bit,

'Now (name), when you say xx to us, it feels like you think xx. So is that what you think about us?'

'In OUR family, we don't say unkind things things like that to each other.

'We don't want our DC hearing unkind things.

Please don't do that to us again.'

Make it absolutely clear there are you three ... and then there's her.

Always in a reasonable, polite and controlled tone of voice, words and body language so she has nothing to react to and there's nothing that might alarm your DC.

Call it out Every. Single. Time.

So passive aggressive of her - please do not mirror this. It's a vile trait.

Respond to all of her snipes/questions to your child.

'Of course I'm feeding him'

'Yes, I sing xxx songs to him'

You don't have to be combative - but as your child can't answer; answer for him! You don't have to snap back, keep it light. (Even if your blood is boiling inside!)

Good luck :)

I like these.

She sounds utterly vile.
No advice from me as I find these deplorable people impossible to deal with and normally end up snapping…which they love as they get to play the victim!

Covert malignant narcissist. She is employing divide and rule, scapegoating (you) and gaslighting (dc). Nasty. Really nasty like Voldemort inside. Don't engage. Live well. Most importantly, minimise your and Dcs exposure to her. Never ever leave your dcs alone with her. Ever.

Lol.

You're either a similar MIL to OP's, you enjoy trying to make people question their very valid feelings or you are in an extremely dysfunctional family and don't know how untoxic people interact...

Which is it? 🤔

I wouldn’t do this. It comes across as defensive and you don’t have to justify yourself. I’d just go with something like ‘Granny, you are being very rude in front of the children’ or ‘Don’t listen to granny. She’s got her mean head on. Sheila, I think you need a Snickers’.

Wait until she serves Christmas dinner and then say "is this what granny meant by NICE food? Yikes!" Then pull a face.

That or extreme sarcasm.

"Washing? Christ no, why would we do that when we can get you to do it for us" followed by lighthearted laughter.

"Nice food? Ha! Lucky if we make them any food" followed by lighthearted laughter.

"Oh hello there Eleanor, must have missed each other when I came in. iIt's been nowhere near long enough" and then a big hug and a beaming smile.

"Sing? Oh no we much prefer to just stick DC in front of YouTube while we enjoy the peace" again followed by lighthearted laughter.

"Oh I know dragging DC off to have an abysmal time with my family. Imagine that, such terrible parents we are when they could stay..... here" coupled with a disparaging look around the room with your gaze finally landing squarely on the bitch from hell.

Don't know how you all do it. I'm almost glad I don't have a MIL as some of them sound bloody awful.

I'd much prefer this sort of approach or another way of tackling her without all the passive aggressive suggestions here.

Don't allow yourself to be dragged into that sort of bullshit OP. It's not going to have the effect you want and ends up with you looking like a bit of a dick too.

I'd find it really hard to put up with my husband not doing anything though and would expect his support.

MIL sounds nasty. Tbh the best response is silence. She wants a row, don't give her one. Just limit the time the children spend with her, she'll feel that 😄 Annoying husband, why do they do that not hearing bs. He needs to grow some balls and support you.

🤔 yh. "Were off early because ive had enough of the snide remarks" but im sure you'll be back along shortly to explain why you absolutely must be there & couldn't possibly actually say anything 😒

@mamamanda

I’ve read the whole thread - many excellent suggestions, but this is by far the best one.
You could even say “Isn’t granny the best?” Or “Don’t we love granny?” and your MIL will freak out thinking you’re cursing her in your language because that’s what she’d do to you!!
Boy, I’d buy a ticket to that.
I’m sorry you have a miserable MIL, though, and I hope your holidays are otherwise happy with the rest of your family.

That's the one thing he didn't need to correct, as a SAHM then keeping the children s clothes clean is your domain. The other stuff is very rude though a.d I wouldn't want to spend Christmas there.