To be annoyed by these comments from MIL? How to respond?

[mamamanda]

Just arrived at MIL's house for Xmas and the comments are already pouring in from her. Any good responses? She always saying similar things

A) we arrive today and my husband asks if she minds washing a jumper that our DC spilt juice on on our way here. Her response "oh did Amy [me] not have time to wash it at home?!"
B) acts like I'm not in the room. So says things like "oh finally!!! I've missed you two so much" ie my DH and DC. Not even a "hello" to me until about 5mins after I've entered
C) "you're looking slim! Is mummy not making you nice food?" to my DC who is nearly 3
D) "ah why are they taking you away? You'd have so much more fun here with me!" about the fact we are leaving them mid next week to spend some time with my side of the family
E) when she discovered my bilingual DC doesn't know some English nursery rhymes (knows a lot more in my language, I'm a SAHM) "oh does mummy never sing with you?!"

I don't want to start explaining myself or justifying my choices like "oh actually I do sing!" Or "she has fun with my family too!" because I shouldn't have to justify my choices to her...but I do want to stand up for myself.

Never had a big argument and she just started being cold shortly after our engagement (5yrs ago)
DH either says he didn't hear something she said, wasn't there or she doesn't mean anything by it.

Sounds like my ex mil!!

Your mother in law is a massive arsehole and you have the patience of a saint not to react!

Your DH needs to grow a backbone and support you.

What the fuck is wrong with people like your MIL who make these stupid comments? She just sounds like a miserable bully.

I think there’s 2 routes to go. Either go high road - rise above it and do a lot of ignoring or dealing with it directly OR go low road- and beat her at her own game.

High road-
If taking the high road then I’d keep notes (mentally if these examples) and in a quiet moment asks “Mary have I upset you in some way. I’ve noticed you have made a few comments at my expense and I am wondered if you are upset with me?” Many people can’t deal with directness. She’ll probably say “oh no what are you talking about”. Then when she next said something I’d address it right then - “Mary you have just asked my child if I don’t make her any nice food. That is the type of comment I spoke to you about earlier. I’m not happy to you speaking about me disrespectfully to my child”.

Low road options- go extreme with replies to her jabs.
“oh did mummy not make you any nice food”
”no all I feed her at home is a slice of dry bread a day and water. She’ll be so happy she’s allowed to eat fruit.”

In response to ignoring you when saying hello- “oh Mary HELLO It’s sooo lovely to see you. Come for a hug”.

You do really need to talk to your DH about it. He can’t be that ignorant.

I don’t think you’re being over sensitive here. I think she knows exactly what she’s doing and almost certainly times as much as possible to be out of earshot from your DH

Ignoring you when you first arrive is so weird. This is all about control and territory and being queen bee.

i like the idea of getting her to repeat every snipe. But I really think your DH is letting you down here. He needs to have your back and show a united front.

Is there a FIL? Is DH an only child?

I don't want our child to turn into an overweight fatso like you, Granny.

Is that too subtle?

Sorry but I think you’re being unreasonable and overthinking what are probably innocent remarks. Stop looking for fault and try and enjoy Christmas, she may not be your favourite person but she’s your partners mother and I’m sure he loves her.

Then you have a very big DH problem

Ask him why his mother is more important to him than his wife

Yes there's a FIL and a SIL. SIL doesn't have any kids and didn't bring her boyfriend this year or previous years.
The whole family really worships MIL and no one ever says a word against her.

"ah why are they taking you away?"

"Because you're a cow"

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. My MIL regularly ignores my existence as well and makes passive aggressive comments. You are NOT being oversensitive as one PP said. That was insensitive of them. Try not to let it rob you of your joy during this season.

I saw something amazing online that said that when a MIL says "oh, we don't hear from you/see you as much", rather than explain or give an excuse say "Yep. You don't." Stops them in their tracks. My MIL was shut down immediately when I said that. Maybe say something like "of course my child is fed" a plain and simple statement that needs no explanation. You don't need to explain anything. For the first scenario: "You heard DH say juice was spilt on the journey" MIL like this are draining on your emotions! Stand strong and get DH to have your back. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone, let alone your MIL. Hugs xx

Twenty years later I finally cracked the code and it's genuinely not to care. She's bitter and jealous and you go home with her darling boy.

I get comments all the time.

"I don't think we're doing too bad a job" (pause) "do you?" and repeat.

The whole family really worships MIL and no one ever says a word against her.

^ oh lord op. This is not good. I really think a big talk with your DH after this visit about what you will and won’t put up with is in order. I’d say visits won’t happen unless you are treated decently. It’s not asking a lot to not be spoken rudely. Get it sorted before you have 10 more horrible visits.

I would say “excuse me, what did you say?” Or “pardon please can you repeat that” when she says rude things.she knows she’s being rude.

I’d then say “wow Mary that’s not a very nice thing to say is it?” Like you’re talking to a toddler. Do it with a mumsy tone

Bloody hell!

I don’t know if you’re naive or what but they are definitely not innocent remarks, they’re little jibes just at OP. My MIL does this about all the DILs, my DH calls her out on it every time she does it about me, and some of the time when she does it about the others. We are very low contact because she’s so annoying.

I just don’t stoop to my MILs level. I’m not going to play games.

Your main problem at present @mamamanda is your DH. He needs to stand up for you because there is no way on earth that she should be disrespecting you but especially not in front of your children. I would pack up and go home early. One of DH’s brothers and his wife did just that and it stopped MIL’s nonsense for a good 6 months 😂

You'd have to be very wilfully obtuse to not see how these remarks are hurtful. I have no doubt that she knows what shes doing.

I second the poster who suggested the 'silly granny' comments. Two can play at being a passive aggressive bint.

Yes go with this, not criticising her but giving her remarks a full audience to amplify her attempt to undermine you

Bloody love this 😂😂😂😂

Some MILs are like this and have a weird emotional incest thing which their sons are oblivious to.

You have a lot of options. My preference would be to lean into it 😂 “oh yes terrible mummy not teaching you enough English nursery rhymes” etc.

if those are her biggest complaints about you then you must be doing a fine job so take no notice as it sounds like weird jealously

Start singing how many sleeps to go until you leave under your breath..or out loud.. And communicate full time with dc so she can't understand... Your dh is a sap BTW...

I’m suddenly getting flashbacks to when my mum used to do this to me. I’d almost forgotten. It was was when my oldest was a baby, she’s say things like “oh did mummy got have enough boob milk for you”. I just snapped one day and started being really horrible back and she stopped it. I’m not saying that is the route to go, also my dad and my DH were not on her side with it, so it was easier.

Such a weirdly horrible way to treat someone. Especially doing it through their child.

Purposely sit next to her during the Christmas meal. When the table erupts with the distraction of delightful festive banter, lean in quietly and whisper:

’I hope you realise that it is me…your darling daughter in law who will ultimately decide on the calibre of care you receive during your last legs of life…and I didn’t appreciate your earlier comments.’

Then hold out a cracker and wish the old bag a merry Christmas! 😂

Loving the chatting to your child in your language so she doesn’t understand whenever she makes a stupid comment suggestion…genius!

I have no suggestions to offer, myself, but sending you all the patience and strength I can muster! You’re going to need them to make it to next week 🤪

Every time she says something disparaging about you in front of your child.

“sorry, please could you say that again?”

if she repeats it.

“I’d appreciate you not making ill-informed remarks like that in front of my child, thank you”

hopefully she will soon get fed up!

if DH doesn’t like it then you have a way bigger problem to solve with his attitude. He needs to support you, his partner.